Thursday, December 30, 2010

Invisible To The Human Eye

Things are just horrible.

I had a minor surgery on Monday morning that I was put under for. It took them 3 hours to get me sedated and then I woke up during the surgery. I freaking WOKE UP in the middle of the procedure.

I was in a total daze but I was feeling huge amounts of pain. I couldn't get myself to make any noises. I ended up having a panic attack and that's when they realized I had woken up.

So I've been in bed the last few days, trying to recover from this traumatic experience.

My T called me this morning. I thought she was returning my calls or my emails, but once the conversation was over I knew she hadn't listened to my voice mails or read my emails. She wants to meet next week... I honestly don't think I'll make it that long without seeing her. It will be over three weeks by then since our last appointment.

My T asked how we were doing and I told her that things were not good at all. We're having trouble coping and surviving right now. She didn't acknowledge it or dismiss it - it was more of a "I'll ask this question to fulfill my counseling duties but I'm not really listening for the answer" type of thing. 

My little 7 year old alter is freaking out because she thinks our dad will become abusive again. He has been really angry and upset lately so I don't blame her for thinking this. It is just hard to help her realize that he wouldn't hurt us anymore - at least that's what I'd like to believe.

I just hope I make it until the session.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

21 months 1 week 1 day 3 hours...

It must be the emotional pain eating me up inside that drove me to do this.

I haven't seen my T in two weeks. It's usually okay when I know she is going to be gone but this time she told me she wasn't going anywhere for Christmas. She canceled our last appointment and hasn't called me back to reschedule. Normally I am okay with this since it has only been two weeks, but right now I really need to talk to someone but I have no one to talk to.

My twin sister is getting married 2 1/2 weeks.
I have sexual abuse memories coming up 24/7 - I can't even think straight.
There are several of my abusers coming over to our house randomly "because it's the holiday's" and nobody seems to notice that I'm losing it.
One of my abusers had the audacity to feel me up in my f***ing kitchen with several other people in there. 
My nightmares have gotten so bad that I'm waking up screaming many times during the night shaking, sweating, panicking, and praying that I don't go crazy.
My splits are freaking out because there is too much going on for us to handle.

I just need someone to talk to who isn't a family member and who understands how traumatic things are for me right now.

It has been 21 months, 1 week, 1 day, and 3 hours since I last self-harmed/self-injured, until about 15 minutes ago when the emotional pain got to be too much to handle on my own. It's not bad enough for me to go to the ER, but it's bad enough that people are going to notice and I don't want them to.

They don't notice me anyway.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Well Guess What Mom, It's Too Damn Late


He said he wanted to talk. Just wanted to talk to someone.

What adult wants to talk to a nine year old?

My parents went out to dinner on a Friday night. My uncle was living with us at the time. He fed all six of us dinner, he read us all a story, and then he put the four youngest to bed. My twin sister fell asleep on the couch in the living room.

I was sitting on the couch in the family room and he came in and sat next to me. "Can I trust you with something?" he asked me. He lifted up his pant leg and showed me the black band around his ankle. "I can't leave this house while I have to wear this." He took my hand and touched it to the small black box.

At first he was just rubbing my arm. He told me about how much he missed me while he was in prison. He told me how he couldn't sleep at night. He started to rub my back. He told me about how he wanted to change his life. He told me he wanted to do better. He started to rub my stomach. He told me that he wanted to find someone to love and to marry. He started to gently rub where an uncle should never go with his niece.

I tried to show protest by shrinking away. Then I tried to shift myself away from him. He kept getting closer to me. I tried to get up off of the couch but he pulled me right back down. I started to panic. He put his hand on my cheek and whispered softly into my ear, "it's okay, baby girl." I felt sick to my stomach.

He brushed his hands through my hair for a while, and then tucked me into bed. He stood in the doorway of my room for a long time, watching me.

Every night after that he would come into my room, lie down next to me in my bed, and molest me. At least once a week he would rape me.

Sometimes he would bring a knife and threaten me.

The next time my parents were going to go out to dinner, I begged my mom not to leave. She asked me why and I couldn't tell her. I told her I wanted our babysitter back. I promised I would be so good. My mom told me no. We had a perfectly good babysitter, my uncle. I started to cry and I begged her again, "Mom, please don't go. Don't leave me here." She just shook her head and walked out the door.

Why didn't she question? Why didn't she wonder why I would beg her not to leave me with him?

I tried to tell in the only way I knew how, and somehow it wasn't good enough.

Somehow I wasn't good enough.

This wasn't the first time I was abused and it wasn't the last. I think I hold strong feelings of anger and hurt and betrayal against my mom because she never listened to me. I tried to tell several times before, when I was younger, and several times after, when I was older. She never listened.

Today I have been remembering more things my uncle did to me during this time frame, and my mom noticed how upset I've been. Now she wants to know what's wrong.

Well guess what mom, it's too damn late.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I Don't Know What It's Like To Be Normal

I don't know what it's like to be "normal".

Sometimes I am very professional.
I say "please" and "thank you" and "bless you".
I dress nicely and comb my hair.
The way I act is conservative.

Sometimes I am like a child.
I color outside the lines and draw childish things.
I wear my hair in pigtails.
The way I act is naive, maybe even immature.

Sometimes I am a bully.
I pick on others who cross my path.
I dress in ripped up jeans and a t-shirt.
I wear my hair in a loose ponytail.
The way I act is mean and grumpy.

Sometimes I am peppy and bubbly.
I speak loudly and energetically.
I wear my hair pulled back in a tight ponytail, with some glitter.
The way I act is outgoing and super friendly.

Sometimes I am withdrawn and shy.
I avoid eye contact and keep to myself.
I wear my hair straight and down in my face.
The way I act is depressed.

Sometimes I am angry and frustrated.
I throw things and cause a scene.
I don't comb my hair or wash it.
The way I act is crazy and destructive.

Sometimes I am quiet and reserved.
I do what is expected and I listen.
I wear my hair pulled back into a bun.
The way I act is *perfect*.

Sometimes I am sarcastic and funny.
I have a comment for everything.
I wear my hair curly and fun.
The way I act is entertaining.

People who know me well have seen all sides of me.
People who don't know me have seen one side of me.

I am all of these things and none of these things.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I don't know what it's like to be "normal",
But I do like being me.


Just One More Proof

My twin sister is getting married in 22 days...

I'm so happy for her and I'm so excited for her!
But at the same time I feel like a huge chunk of me is being ripped out much too quickly...

I've really grown to like my future brother-in-law (Bryan). He is a good match for her and such a great person. What cracks me up is how he tells us apart.

Brooke and I don't think we look alike but everyone else cannot tell us apart for the life of them. So Bryan has this system... When he happens upon one of us and he can't figure out who it is, he comes up to us and says a "command" (like "high-five!" or "knuckles!" or something similar) and he looks to see our facial expressions. If the facial expression is consistent, then it's Brooke. If it's not consistent, then it's me. Funny thing is, he doesn't know I have DID but this little test totally proves that I do!

I'm done rambling now...

Sunday, December 19, 2010

If Only You Knew...

"I can switch bodies with you," I said.
"No you can't," Brooke replied. "It's not possible to switch bodies with someone."
If only you knew, I thought. If only you knew...

When I was younger, I didn't understand what I could do with my mind. I could create whole worlds, new friends, discover faraway places and not so far away places. I could be someone else while they were me. I could hide from the bad, the scary, the horrific, the threatening, the unthinkable. I could see people and talk to them that no one else could. But how do you explain that to somebody?

I tried to explain it to my twin sister when we were 9 years old. I told her that we could switch bodies - that we could really switch places!

She never believed me, though. She thought I was weird and stupid and that I was trying to trick her into believing something not real. I tried to tell Bri and Renee too, but they also thought it was weird. Bri and Renee would play along though, as if they could do it too - they thought it was some kind of game I made up.

It was very difficult to be so smart and be surrounded by people who couldn't do the things you could in your mind. By the time I got to second grade, I pretended to be not so smart. I purposely wrote down the wrong answers or made up random words and spellings of words to sound dumb. I hated that I was so much faster at figuring things out. I was being abused and no one even noticed. If they did, they never said anything.

Sometimes I wish with all of my heart that I could show my mom what it was like to be me growing up. Then she would understand me and believe me. I constantly go over and over in my mind all the thoughts I had as a kid growing up. Things I should have never been thinking about at such a young age. Things I should have never known at such a young age. Things I should have never comprehended as a child.

It honestly baffles me that there are people out there who don't think DID exists.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Can You Say Busy?

This week has been so crazy busy and full of such great news for me that I'm finding it hard to believe that it is all reality. That all of this good stuff can happen to me in such a short amount of time.

Monday I had a session with T. We (my splits and I) have been really depressed lately because of the types of memories that we have been remembering and we're dealing with the loss of a really close friend. Our T told us that she wants us to consider going back on anti-depressants for a few months so we won't harm ourselves during this hard time. We told her we would think about it and let her know.

Tuesday I went to my newer Dr H. I don't remember if I have talked about her or not on here... so I'll just briefly describe what she does. I first saw her back in October. My T encouraged us to tell Dr H that we have DID. Dr H was a little apprehensive at first. She didn't think she could treat us because she had no idea how to work with someone with DID. We ended up figuring out a way to test each individual split in a short amount of time to see who had which issues. This Dr H is amazing! She totally stepped right up to the challenge and by the end of that first appointment, she believed that we truly have DID because she tested all of them. She knew they were there!

The interesting thing is, I have about 7 different medications for different splits. We grouped them in groups of who has which issues and the meds to treat that issue. We have to take each med separately so the splits can come out and take what they need for their particular issue. For the past two months, I have felt so much better. The meds are working wonders for all of us and I'm excited to keep going to Dr H to get this all resolved. 

So on Tuesday we went back for a follow up, check up, and more testing. Dr H was so excited to work with us (because we're now her most interesting patient! haha) and we were able to see how each split was improving. We were prescribed 4 new meds along with what we were on before. It is all working out so great!

Wednesday we went to Dr C who is our new pain specialist. We told him we have DID because this doctor has to know if we have ever been diagnosed with a mental illness/disorder. And guess what? He's worked with patients who had DID! He knows quite a bit about it too, and he is very willing to work with us. He put us on some pain meds, anti-inflammatory meds, and muscle relaxers. Today we're finally feeling some relief. We're so excited!!

Wednesday afternoon I got the call - I GOT THAT TEACHING JOB!! I cannot describe how excited I am! I will be teaching 7th and 8th graders who have special needs. It is my dream job and not only did I get the job, but I start right away in January!

Thursday I spent the day at the school with the teacher I will be taking over for in January. Things should go very smoothly through the transition.

That night my mom threw me a graduation party. It was nice to have friends and family there supporting me. Most of them were able to attend the graduation right after the party. Graduation was awesome! I had so much fun with my teacher friends who graduated with me.

Friday I went back to the school and got some last minute things from the teacher. I feel prepared to take over the class and very little nervousness has settled in. I hope it stays away! :)

I am so blessed and I am so thankful for all of these new opportunities to have a better life. I have two wonderful doctors who are willing to work with me and treat me with the up-most care and respect. I have a T who has stepped up in the last few months to help me through this difficult time of year. I have an amazing twin sister who has been so supportive. I have amazing readers and friends through this small DID world that offer comments of encouragement, sympathy, hugs, positive and uplifting notes, advice, and overall genuine care.

I really want to make the best of all of this. Next step, get ready to set up my new classroom!


Monday, December 13, 2010

Don't Tell

She didn't cry or make a sound,
Nobody would have heard her.
It buries itself deep inside,
No spoken words to give her.

They didn't know, they couldn't tell.
There was no sign or hint or yell.
But deep within her was a line:
Don't tell, don't tell, don't tell.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

You Still Cause Me Pain

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how many countless times I have told my mom that I cannot be around my abusers. I feel like she never listens to me when I am talking.

One of my abusers will be coming over for dinner tomorrow. AGAIN.

I can't take this sh*t anymore!

Is my mom really that dense? Does she sit around all day trying to come up with ways to make me feel absolutely horrible? To make me have panic attacks or horrible flashbacks or body memories? Does it make her feel better? Or does she want to see if I'm really telling the truth, by exposing my abusers to me to see how I will react?

There are so many things I could type out right now to just let out how I really feel about my parents right now but I hate reading cuss words when I don't have to so I'm not going to make other people read them. But know I am thinking them. A whole big long gigantic stream of ugly words to describe what I am feeling right now towards my mom.

I wish my mom knew what she is truly doing to me every time she invites an abuser over. I wish she knew how much I hate her even more every time she does it. I wish she knew the pain she causes me, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I can't keep doing this. I need to get out of this house, out of this town, out of this state.

Mom, why do you still cause me pain?

Monday, December 6, 2010

Tough Times

I know I am not the only one who has a tough time with this time of year, but this year seems to be the worst of them all. I wish I was able to put in words how I am feeling, but it is too raw right now. Maybe, I'm hoping, I will be able to write about it soon.

Some good news...
I have 4 days left of student teaching!
I graduate from college next week!
I have gotten 3 job offers to teach so far!

Even in tough times, some positive is bound to leak through.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

It Floods In And Drowns Me

Memory after

memory after

memory after

memory floods

my inner self,

makes me feel

makes me numb

makes me want

makes me hate


I don't know

I do know

I can't tell

I won't tell

I have to

I'm scared.

Say no, say


anything, to

make it


Sunday, November 28, 2010

Dreaming the Nightmare I Wish Away

I am in my home. It is not my real home but my family is there and so is all of our stuff, so I assume it is home. My dad is arranging for all of us to make a trip to the prison, where three of my abusers are currently.

At first I am my present age of 22, but then I find myself going back to that scary place when I am a small girl. My dad is taking me to the prison to visit those three abusers.

I cannot speak, my throat is dry. There is panic flooding my entire body. I can't feel my legs.

We are in the waiting room. They call our names. The door opens to the visiting area and I am pushed through.

Fear has encompassed my entire being. I'm trying desperately to disappear. I can't face these men who hurt me so badly.

My insides are screaming but on the outside I am silent. The police officer leads me to a concrete room and closes the door behind me. From the corner, the three abusers emerge. I cannot breathe, I am so scared.

And then I wake up.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Can You Hear Me?

This is how the conversation with my mom went today...

(*We were discussing what to do about our little family trip this weekend for Thanksgiving. One of my abusers was invited by my parents to come with us for the three days.)

Me: I can't be around [abuser] anymore. It really stresses me out and it's very triggering.
Mom: We can't just tell her no. She is family. We're her only family left.
Me: Then I can't go with you guys.
Mom: You need to forgive [abuser] and come with us.
Me: I have forgiven [abuser]. But just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you should be around them.
Mom: You can be around [abuser] for three days.
Me: No, mom, I can't.
Mom: It's not always about you, Bee. Think of how [abuser] would feel all alone on Thanksgiving.
Me: Mom, I know you mean well but I can NOT go if [abuser] will be there. End of story.
Mom: You need to think of other people, not yourself. 

And that's how it ended.

The abuser who was over at our house for dinner last week on Sunday was also over for dinner on Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and today (Tuesday). Why the H*LL is she over ALL THE TIME now?!?!

I honestly don't think anyone in my family takes me seriously except for Brooke and Bri. I swear, no matter how many times I ask my mom to please stop inviting this abuser over, she still invites her. And on the off-chance that my mom doesn't invite her over, my dad does - without telling anybody.

To make things worse, this abuser has been invited to our big family get-together this weekend for Thanksgiving. Three whole f***ing days with this abuser staying in the same house as me. Forget sleeping, eating, and breathing. I'm going to be too focused on not having a full blown panic attack.

I cannot wait until I move out of this house.

And my T wonders why we don't progress in therapy. I'm not only living with an abuser, but I have to constantly see some of my other abusers on a regular basis.

I am seriously fed up with this crap.

Monday, November 15, 2010

One Big Hurricane, Not Waves...

For the past 5 days I have been having memory after memory after memory after memory hit me. Most of them I did not remember but I just know that they happened.

Is it possible to know they happened but not remember them until now?

I was supposed to have a session with my T today but once again she called and canceled. She is supposedly sick, which I get, but I really needed to see her today. These memories are killing me. And to top it all off, one of my abusers was over for dinner last night (see last post).

It was a really tough day at school. Both my mentor teacher and I were beat by 10am.

I feel very disconnected and dissociative today. I'm sorry if my thoughts are scattered and confusing...

I want to cry but I can't. I never cry.

I guess all those years of making myself not cry has made it so it is impossible to do so now.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

It Just...Hurts

I've been having a really rough time these past couple of months. Depression is hitting us like a ton of bricks. Pain levels are sky rocketing. I've been going to doctor's left and right. One wants to send me to a pain specialist. Another is contemplating surgery. They want to put me in braces. Why can't they just wrap me up in bubble wrap and send me on my way?

One of my abusers was over for dinner tonight. We kept having to leave the room to either throw up or cry because the abuser was so triggering. This particular abuser really makes me ill. They pretend like nothing is wrong - that their life is peachy perfect. That they "never did anything wrong". I think that is what makes them extra triggering.

You know why this abuser was over for dinner? Because my parents feel sorry for this person. ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME??!?!!?! Who the h*ll feels sorry for someone who f***ing abused their child! And not just once, several times over a period of 16 years!

I'm sorry, but that is just messed up.

It doesn't matter that I'm 22. My parents still won't listen to me. I tried to tell them back then, too. But they don't listen. They never listen.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Getting to Know "ME"

It has been an interesting couple of weeks regarding therapy.

For those of you who don't know, Oprah did a show back in the first week of October (I think around October 6th) on DID. She had a woman with DID on there and her daughter. They filmed her in a therapy session as different alters came out, and they also filmed her around her house and with her art. It was a very interesting show and I wish there was some way to get a copy of it.

Anyway, I bring that up because my T thought it would be a good idea to have my mom and I come to a session with T and watch this episode. We ended up doing this a little less than two weeks ago and it went surprisingly well. I think it overwhelmed my mom a little because she didn't ask me very many questions (and she usually asks A TON!).

At my next session with T, we talked about how that woman's personalities all knew the daughter and had relationships with her. My T suggested that I try doing that with my mom and my five sisters.

To be honest, I am scared to try this. There are several reasons why, but if I were to type them out then this post would be forever long and I don't want to make you read that much. So, a shortened version will have to do.

1. I'm afraid I will be out far less than I am now.
2. I'm afraid we will lose communication with each other, causing chaos.
3. I'm afraid of losing what little relationships I already have with my sisters.
4. I'm afraid they won't accept some of my splits.
5. I'm afraid that we will all become so individual from each other that we'll forget about each other again.

There are more, but those are my main concerns.

However, on the positive side I also see many benefits.

1. My sisters will get to know all of me, not just parts of me.
2. They will be able to identify when I am out, and when my splits are out.
3. I believe they can add to my healing and my splits healing by forming individual relationships with them.
4. The splits will be able to open up to more people and not just T.
5. We will be able to have a stronger bond as a whole, both inside the system and outside the system.

What I've decided upon with my Splits is that we will take baby steps. We have picked a few of us who will start out by introducing themselves and getting to know my sisters and my mom. The others can acknowledge who they are or can choose not to. We think this will be best to see how things go.

I have been talking to each of my sisters individually about what my T wants us to try and how things will go. I've only talked to three of my sisters and my mom, and all of their reactions were different...

Mom: O.K. Will you tell me who is out? Can you email me every night? Can you write up a list of their names and ages? Can you write up what they like and don't like? ....etc.... You get the picture...

Raena: I've always wanted to get to know them! Can we start now?

Brooke: This will be interesting, but let's give it a try. I already know a couple of them a little bit.

Renee: This is going to be really really hard. I don't want to sound selfish, but it is really hard for me to be around you when you aren't out. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, and I honestly don't want to know. I think this is going to be really hard but I'm willing to try. Maybe it will be better if we do this.

Very different responses but so far no one has objected to giving it a try. I just need to figure out how they can ask who is out or tell who is out without offending anybody. Any suggestions?

This Foreign Place I Cannot Shake

Where ever I go
I must come back,
To this foreign place
I cannot shake.

I must call it home, now
But it feels so far from it.
When I look around
I feel trapped.

It must be a dream,
It must be a trick,
I don't know who
Would do this.

I want to leave,
I have to stay
In this foreign place
I cannot shake.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

I'm Back!

It has been quite a month.

I've moved.
My first 8-week student teaching placement ended.
I started my second 8-week student teaching placement.
I've been helping my twin sister, Brooke, plan her wedding.
I have been applying to several school districts around the state, hoping to find a job for January.
I found out that two of my best friends might be moving out of the state - one to UT, one to CO.
My sister Bri has a boyfriend.
My sister Renee has a boyfriend.
I've been able to work through several very disturbing and horrible memories.

I have been so extremely busy that I am glad I took the month off from blogging, even though I missed it terribly and there were so many times I wished to write down my thoughts and share them. But I stuck to my promise to not blog for a month and looking back, I know it was worth it. I am, however, very glad to be back!


Monday, October 4, 2010

For a Short While...

I have to give up blogging for now...hopefully not for too long. Right now it is looking like I will need to be gone for a month. During this time, I will not be blogging. I do hope to be reading what you are writing, though.

This has been a really hard decision for me... This world has become a big part of my life and I am going to miss it - probably more than I know. I will be checking my e-mail regularly, however, so if you wish to keep in contact please do!

But for now...I must say goodbye....for a short while.


Saturday, October 2, 2010

If guys were like girls...

Just a little something funny my sister showed me earlier today...

Monday, September 27, 2010

It Hurts Too Much...

***Possibly Triggering***Possibly Triggering***

Eating is like a punishment.

Abuse I get at least three times a day.

No matter what I eat, it hurts like hell. I'm literally putting myself through hell because I have to eat to live.

I'm doing all I can to not be in so much pain but it doesn't matter. It always hurts like hell. I'm always sick. I'm always in pain. I'm always fighting this losing battle.

And when I don't eat, I finally start to feel better but then my body thinks I'm starving myself and it ends up making it worse when I do start eating again.

I can't handle this anymore.

It's too much!

It hurts too much....


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It's Like...

It's like grading your fingers like cheese.

It's like sticking bamboo shafts in your eye sockets.

It's like cramming 100 different radio stations in your head at once - all on the same volume LOUD.

It's like feeling too much pain and not enough pain.

It's like falling down a 30+ story building with nothing soft to land on.

It's like screaming to be heard but all that comes out is a faint whisper.

It's like appearing to be okay when internally you're clearly not.

It's like wanting water but all you get is ice.

It's like trying to describe what salt tastes like but all you can do is compare it to something that is not like it at all.

*will add more later

10 Signs You're Dealing with a Sociopath

I received an e-mail today asking me to share this article 10 Signs You are Dealing with a Sociopath. It definitely describes a couple of my abusers...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


"It's a mysterious sort of pride in being unsolvable."

My sister Brooke said this to me the other day and I have been thinking about it ever since.

I have DID. Sometimes it can be a blessing, and sometimes it can be h*ll. But despite all the crap I have to put up with now regarding DID, I am glad I have it. Not only because it helped me survive through horrific abuse but because it makes me unique. You have to be pretty d*mn smart to have DID, and knowing that makes me feel incredible.

Every session with my T, I feel like we are piecing together a puzzle. Every day is challenging, in both good ways and bad. But I like the challenge. I love solving things. I love trying to shift things around until they are perfect. I love figuring out how to make things better for me.

With that said, because I like most of my life to be challenging, I find it very unsatisfying when something comes too easily or someone figures out what is wrong with me too quickly. It's almost like a huge disappointment because it wasn't more challenging.

Anyway...enough rambling from me. I just wanted to share this quote because I love it so much!

I love being unsolvable!


Saturday, September 18, 2010

It's A Miracle

It's a miracle I'm even here - out right now. I was gone for a few days, maybe a week? I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm back and I don't want to be.

Why? I'm depressed - like deep, dark, down in the dirt depressed. I'm upset. I'm crying all the time. I don't know where I am half the time. Reality is so disjointed that I keep getting really dizzy and my internal reality seems foreign and far away. I'm in this really weird "between place" that I don't know how to get out of.

We've found two therapists close to my house. One has had 3 DID patients in the past (I don't know if she has any currently because she can't tell me that...). I am going in on Tuesday to interview her. We'll see how that goes... The other therapist has years and years of experience with trauma and PTSD. I don't know if she has experience with DID or dissociation but she was highly recommended from the coordinator I talked to and he said she would know how to help me. I haven't talked to that therapist at all yet, just researched her online. I'm hoping to get in touch with her this week to schedule an interview appointment.

I am severely struggling with this. I don't want to switch therapists. I like mine way too much and I am really scared to see how my splits will react. I know some of them will give me hell and I can't deal with that right now. I just want to get through my student teaching!

On a funnier note, I've been filling out paperwork for the different therapists and I keep running across the question that says, "Please mark/check all that apply: What feelings and thoughts have you had in the past week?" Below it lists several feelings and thoughts that would be interesting to the therapist. I however don't know if I should just put my feelings and thoughts down? Or include everybody's? After starring at it for over 10 minutes, I moved on and left it blank. What do you do when you're asked that question?

I also wanted to know what are some key things I should ask these new therapists when I'm interviewing them? I only have about 30 minutes with the first one so I don't want to waste my time with a bunch of nonsense questions.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Bee is Gone

Hi guys. We wanted to inform you that Bee has disappeared, most likely to be gone until November. If you aren't sure what we mean by that you can read this post.

We will still be reading your blogs just as we always do but we may not post comments just depending on the situation. We don't like to do too much while Bee is gone in that regard.

We are still researching therapists. So far we haven't had much luck, save it be the therapist we found whose office is about 15 - 20 minutes from our house. We still have yet to talk to her on the phone or in person. We don't have high hopes for her, since some of the things she has told us already don't quite sit right with most of us.

We will post occasionally while Bee is gone depending on what is going on. Suggestions are highly welcome as to how to bring her back. As of now we have no idea where she is.

~The Beehive

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Wednesday Session

I still cannot believe what transpired yesterday in my session with my T.

I went to the appointment, talked with her a little before we started, sat where I normally sat - all the usual things. Then my T sat down right in front of me and said, "I need to tell you something, but I don't want you to be offended or to take this the wrong way."

Me: "Okay."

T: "Lately I feel like I haven't been doing enough for you. I feel like we have made no progress, or very little progress lately. With my other clients who do not have DID, I always know what to do next to progress so we are always working towards something. But with you, I have a hard time always knowing where to go next, because I'm dealing with 23 different people versus just one person."

Me: *trying so hard not to smile*

T: "I'm just.... so frustrated! I've been wracking my brain all week trying to figure out what to do. I've thought about helping you find a new therapist, but then I thought if you went to a new therapist then we would have to transfer everything over and make sure they understand where you are at and then they have to get to know you and the splits and that could take 6 - 12 months or more. That wouldn't be helping you progress either."

Me: *still trying so hard not to smile*

T: "I would even be very willing to meet with the new therapist and help her get started with you, but as I thought more about it I just don't know if that would be good for you. Obviously it would depend on the therapist. And then the thought came to me, what if I start meeting with the individual splits one by one and work with them to work through their stuff. That would be making progress. What do you think?

Me: *me thinking - I've wanted to try this all along!* "I think that would be very beneficial to me and the splits."

T: "The only thing is, it would be like seeing one person only twice a year."

Me: "I think we could make it work."

I'm not going to put the rest of the conversation, but basically she brought up ALL the concerns and more that I have been having for the past several months. And guess what? I didn't have to bring up anything at all!! I really feel that now we can start working toward something. We spent most of the session talking about what we can do to start working on progressing. Next week we will try one of the things we came up with.

Something that really made me feel special was the fact that she not only remembered that I disappear this time every year (and have an extremely hard time in general during these next couple of months), but she is having me e-mail her daily. I have to let her know who has been out and what emotions I am feeling, plus any other information I think is relevant to my triggers. She also wants to call me several times during the week to check up on me and she also told me that if things get really bad I can just call her and she will have me come right over. It doesn't matter what time of day or night, she will be there for me.

Wow. Can you say "I care about you, Bee." ? I definitely feel like my T and I are on the same page now.

I am still researching other therapists just in case, but I really feel like this is a new step towards some great progress and healing.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Update On My Search...

In my last post I mentioned that I have been searching for a new therapist. I really appreciate all of the comments and e-mails I have gotten regarding this issue. It has really helped me so much.

I got one e-mail reply from a therapist who is pretty close to where I live. She informed me that she has a lot of experience working with dissociation, and a little bit of experience with DID. She said we can talk more about what my needs are and if I feel comfortable she wants to do an interview. I haven't e-mailed her back yet because I'm still thinking about all of this. I'm also hoping for the other two therapist to write me back as well.

I decided to be brave and talk to my sister, Brooke, about all of this. I really wanted to get someone's opinion about it who knows me really well and who knows my t as well. I explained to her the situation - how I really like my t but I feel that I'm not progressing anymore and the things my t has said or done in the past few months. After I explained it all to her, she told me that it would be best if I looked for a new therapist.

I am really struggling with this decision. I am terrified of how my splits will react. I am terrified to talk to my t about all of this. I am terrified of having to leave my comfort zone and go to a new therapist, if I choose to do so. I am just plain terrified.

I am thinking about talking to my friend Rae about it because she knows me very well too. I have a feeling she will also tell me to look for a new therapist but I still want to hear her opinion.

Man, this is just so complicated... I wish I knew what to do...


Sunday, September 5, 2010

Searching...And Feeling Guilty About It

Over the past few months I've really been thinking about my current relationship with my T.

I have been seeing her for the past 5 1/2, almost 6, years. She knows me very well, knows most of my family, and knows my splits. She knows my splits better than anyone else ever will, besides me. She has done things for me that I don't think any other therapist every would. She has been my rock, my mentor, and my support. She has done many positive things for me and my system.

But lately I feel as if she can't help me as much. Sometimes she seems distant, other times she seems frustrated. Sometimes she just doesn't know what to do, and it scares me. Sometimes she does things that offend me or my splits, and sometimes she doesn't answer when I call or e-mail - and those are the times I really need her.

I've been struggling with the idea of possibly switching to a new therapist. I have spent countless nights worrying about it and trying to find a solution. I really want to stay with my T, but if there is another therapist out there that can help me, shouldn't I be looking for them?

This weekend I have spent a few hours researching therapists around my area. I have found three that may specialize in DID. Two of the three had a website that said they specialize in dissociative disorders. I e-mailed all three of them so now I'm just waiting for their replies.

This is really upsetting me and my system... But I feel like my T doesn't know how to help me anymore. I just don't have the courage or the guts to tell her all of this.

Our next appointment is on Tuesday. She is going to know something is wrong... and I can't lie to her. But I can't tell her the truth either. I'm not ready to....


Friday, September 3, 2010

Opinions Greatly Appreciated

Your opinions are greatly appreciated on this post. It is okay if you disagree with me, but please tell me why. And if you agree, please tell me why! I want some other opinions/thoughts on this because right now I feel outnumbered and I want some kind of valid reason either way.

For those of you who have been following my blog at least for the past month or two, know about me going to the new therapist and the new t releasing all of my splits. For those who haven't been reading, you can go to this post and catch up.

My t and I have been able to bring the majority of my splits back but now I'm having the issue of all of their emotions. Basically it's a bunch of individuals who have been abused their whole lives who were suddenly released from me with no warning, no permission, no anything whatsoever. Now that they are back, most of them are pretty upset and are trying to adjust back to what they remember as "normal" but they are afraid of being released again.

I tried explaining this to my t and she told me that she understands that the younger alters are upset and having a difficult time, but she believes that the older ones (like 11 years old and older) shouldn't be having a problem with it and should just "get over it and move on".

Now, I have splits who are upset ranging from 5 years old to about 24 years old. If they were separate people, who had their own bodies and who had "normal" singleton lives, I would understand my t saying "get over it and move on." BUT these are my alters, who have seen and experienced horrific things and who were released from their purpose/duty in life - everything they have ever known - without any warning or anything. I think they have a right to be upset and angry and depressed and having an overall hard time with it.

Is that valid? Don't they have that right to be upset and afraid? Even if they are 24 years old?

I think they do have a right to be upset and to be afraid and to be having a hard time. It really bothered me that my t said that the older ones should just "get over it and move on." I'm not okay with that. I feel like she should know and understand how hard it has been for them and for myself. I don't know... Am I totally irrational in my thinking? Or do they have a right to be upset and afraid?

Your opinion is most helpful at this point. It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree, I just want to know what other people think about this....

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Disappearing Act

Yeah, it's coming...

Every year sometime in the beginning of September, I disappear. I don't know where I go. For two months I'm just gone. I come back somewhere towards the end of November. Every year without fail I'm just gone. Poof. Bye-bye. One or more of my splits take over for me and my body-life goes on but I am somewhere else.

My t first realized this last year, when I came back in November. My whole life I thought that there were only 10 months in a year. "There's 12?!?!" Yes...yes there is.

So September started today and I'm starting to wonder if I will disappear again. I don't know why I disappear and I don't know what triggers it, but happens anyway. Sometimes I wish I could find out somehow but part of me is scared to death. I don't know if I want to know. But what if I could prevent myself from disappearing?

I'm not sure what to do about it, except to just let what happens to happen. Maybe this will finally be the year I can actually experience October.


Tuesday, August 31, 2010

What Is Reality?

I see you, but no one else can.
I hear you, but no one else will.
I talk to you, but others think I'm crazy.
I know you, but others think you're a lie.

I've really been struggling lately with reality. I don't know if it is from a severe lack of sleep or a severe increase of dissociation. Whenever I talk about my splits (which isn't too often...) I feel like it's a lie - like I'm making them up. Only, I KNOW they are there and I KNOW they are very real. It's a horrible feeling, though, to feel like I'm lying.

My T called me on Sunday, apologizing for forgetting about our session on Thursday. She told me that she was coming home early from her trip and that she would meet with me Monday (yesterday). So after I got done at the school yesterday, I drove down there.

Our session wasn't normal though... I mean, we met in the same place and sat in the same spots we always do, but something was just off. I don't know if I was having trouble communicating things to her or if she just wasn't understanding what I was saying. Either way, there was a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding going on. By the end, I felt like we didn't get anything accomplished. But then again, it could be because I'm really struggling with reality right now.

Student teaching is going better than I ever dreamed it would. I love teaching and I love the students I am working with. I feel very accepted and comfortable there and I'm just happy. I'm actually excited to get up every morning - it gives me something to look forward to. It does wear me out, however, and by the time I get home I am so dead tired that I hardly do anything productive. My pain has also been pretty severe. I've learned how to survive through it and tolerate it while at school, and then once I get home I just cry it off. I down pain killers and hope the pain will subside.

Enough rambling... I better get to sleep (or to bed, since I don't sleep) so I can be refreshed for the school day tomorrow. I hope you all had a good start to your week!


Friday, August 27, 2010

Stood Up...

This week has been long...

Student teaching has its great days, and then not so great days. Luckily three out of the five this week were great. The other two... well... they could have been better.

I love my placement; I love (most) of the kids I work with and I am in a really good rhythm there. But those of you who have been following my blog know that I'm in a tough mental state right now, what with the releasing of my splits and all.

I do have 23 of them here with me now, so that has been good for me. I had a big meeting with everyone on Saturday and again on Sunday and things started to get better. But then I got so busy once the school week started, that I haven't had any time to myself, no meetings with the splits, and no down time whatsoever. I'm up at 5am and I'm constantly going going going until 9:30pm - 10pm at night. It's just hectic.

I have been telling my family each day that I have to have alone time or else I will crash. I cannot keep going like this without my time to myself. I just can't function without that time. And this week it was nonexistent.

So I was really looking forward to meeting with my T on Thursday afternoon - our new session time because that's the only day and time our schedules align with each other. Well, I drive the 20-25 minutes out there. I'm already a little bit late because I left the school later than normal, so I waited around about 5 - 10 minutes. I thought it was weird that she still wasn't there so I called her cell phone.

She picks up and says, "Bee? What's going on?"

"Oh nothing, I was just wondering where you are."

(T) "You were? Why?"

(Me) "Well, aren't we meeting today?"

(T) *audible gasp* "Oh my gosh I completely forgot to call you! I'm in California right now, visiting a friend."

(Me) "Oh..."

(T) "Don't we meet on Fridays?"

(Me) *slight pause* "No... we meet on Thursdays."

(T) "Wow I am so sorry. Let's reschedule for next Wednesday."

Next Wednesday?!?!? I don't think I will make it to Wednesday. Of course I didn't tell her that. I switched and someone told her it was okay that she forgot to call and that we would see her Wednesday.

Most of you - if not all of you - know that when your T leaves, it is expected of them to at least give you some kind of notice. Especially when your patient/client has DID. Some of my splits are really upset because my T didn't inform us of her trip. We didn't need to know where she was going, just that she would be gone. But we were all so focused on "make it to Thursday, make it to Thursday" that when Thursday came and we didn't see her, we fell apart. Today was really rough for everyone, including me.

And to make matters worse...
I had a doctors appointment on Monday. I'm really close with this doctor and she listens to me when she's checking up on me and making sure I'm not going to collapse from lack of food. I call her my "pseudo therapist". She knows about my abuse history and about my DID. But when I went to her office on Monday, I waited about 30 minutes in the waiting room. Then a nurse came out and told me that my doctor was sick and we would need to reschedule the appointment. I was a little irritated that they made me wait but nonetheless, I made an appointment for Friday (today) and went home.

I show up today, and I wait for 45 minutes. I ended up having to leave because I had to go to a seminar for student teaching, so I didn't get in to see her AGAIN. We rescheduled for Tuesday.

I feel so unimportant this week. Like someone to be thrown under the rug when things get too busy or there's not enough time. I really needed someone to be there for me this week and I just haven't gotten that... Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm needy, maybe I'm just overreacting... I don't know. But I feel awful and left behind and lost.

I just wanted someone to care, at least a little.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Acceptance, Teaching, Recovering, Moving, & Such

Sooo much has happened in the past week.

I have been sicker than a dog. I have only been able to eat rice - breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Rice rice rice. Nothing else. Just rice. Get the picture? I thought so...

Student teaching is going wonderfully! I am now teaching two class periods starting today and it has been going great! I just love the students I have and everything seems to come so easily and naturally. I do not get nervous at all and everything I say is clear and easy to understand. All the kids love coming to me for anything - school or personal. I feel like I am finally in the right place.

Since going to the evil new therapist who killed me mentally, I have been struggling with communicating with my splits. On Thursday night I had a session with my T and we brought back some more of my splits. I know have 23 total, and I think that's where it will stay - at least for a while.

On Saturday morning I held a big meeting with my splits that lasted about 3 or 4 hours. We talked everything through, set up new assignments, paired up buddies, assigned numbers and letters, made an internal schedule and a drafted external schedule. Every day we have at least one meeting (most of the time it is more like 2 - 5) a day. That has worked so well! I'm finally starting to feel like I'm getting some of my knowledge and things back mentally.

My title is not in the order of my post, which I should probably change it but most likely won't. After seeing the new therapist, my mom and I became closer than we have ever been. Because of this, my family (parents and sisters) have been much more accepting of my DID diagnosis. They are now FINALLY starting to realize why I am the way I am, why I do certain things, why I'm not always aware or present. Some of them have even picked up on my switching at times. It is more openly discussed in our house now and I feel much more comfortable about it.

My mom seems to be more aware of how my splits react to things - especially changes. On Sunday my mom pulled me aside and told me that we are definitely moving. Someone made an offer on our house and we are waiting to be approved. My mom knows how upset my splits can get about any big changes, like moving, and she was very kind enough to let me know before she told the rest of my sisters. Because of that, my splits are not as freaked out as they would have been. It's really nice to finally be able to be treated right.

My sister Brooke (twin) and I have been spending so much time together lately. Since our birthday was on Wednesday and I was student teaching and she was working, we decided to postpone our birthday celebrations to Saturday. We went out to lunch at Panda Express, our favorite fast-food place, then we went clothes shopping at all our favorite stores. We went and got our hair done - I needed new highlights and she wanted to get her's cut. Then we went out to dinner at PF Chengs - our FAVORITE restaurant. After dinner we went and saw Inception. I LOVED it! Soooo good! And then we drove to our favorite park down by our old house and swung on the swings for a while and just talked. It was probably one of my favorite birthdays :)

To follow up on Caly... I finally e-mailed her back. I just said "It went both ways but consider the hatchet buried." She replied a couple hours later and said "This was something I knew that needed to be done." I waited a day and then replied, "So...what now?" Her reply, "I haven't the foggiest." That's where we are now. I haven't replied back to her yet...

Wow this post ended up way longer than I thought it would... I hope you all have had a good start to your week!


Thursday, August 19, 2010

What Is Truly Fragmented?

Is your mind fragmented or is your spirit/soul fragmented?

This is the question I ask myself everyday since I found out what my diagnosis of DID meant. What is truly fragmented?

My T and I talked about this question in our session today. My T thinks it is just my mind that is fragmented and that my spirit/soul is whole - that I should always search to find my spirit/soul so I can find wholeness in my fragmented life and heal. I think that is a wonderful idea, really, but I don't know if I totally think that way. Sometimes I really wonder if it is my spirit/soul that is fragmented...

I don't know if I will ever find the answer to this question but I do want to know what other people think about this. What is truly fragmented?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Happy Birthday to Us!

Today is my birthday :) and Brooke's too, of course.

I'm doing better than I was on Sunday. I want to thank everyone so much for the comments and emails from the past couple of days. It really means a lot and I'm so glad I have such amazing people who read my blog.

I've been in a lot of physical pain over the past few days - mostly severe stomach pain and TMJ pain - but I've still gone student teaching despite the fact that I feel like my insides are gonna kill me! I do enjoy teaching, though, and working with the students so it hasn't been so bad. It has actually gone rather well the past two days. I finally feel like I'm part of the classroom and the routine and I am much more confident in what I am doing and what I will be doing. Today will be Day 6 of student teaching so I feel like I'm doing well so far!

I never did get a hold of my T. I have left a couple of voice-mails, so she is either sick, out of town, or her husband was off work. It's fine, I guess. I don't expect her to always be there for me. It would just be nice to have someone I could always count on, but that would mean we live in a perfect world. And the fact that I have DID proves that this world is far from perfect.

Well I better get ready to go to the school! I hope you all have a fabulous day and I will update you on what my birthday plans end up being :)

We're 22 today!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Almost to the Breaking Point

I'm almost there... you know... to the Breaking Point.

I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like everything is lost and confusing and unbearably hard.

I feel depressed and alone and scared. I feel like things are impossible.

But tomorrow I have to put on the "I'm okay" mask. I have to be confident, secure, and happy. I have to be brave, courageous, understanding, and hopeful. I have to be a leader, a friend, a helping hand. I have to be okay, even when underneath it feels like I will fall to pieces at any moment.

And somehow I will do it.

But right now I'm standing at the bottom of Mt. Everest with no climbing gear in hand, and I'm expected to reach the top.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Tears Won't Come

It's like I'm not living.

My mind is blurry, I cannot think.

It is as though I am drifting off to find a better place.

I really need to see my T. Lately she has gotten more patients/clients so she can't see me as often and I'm starting to feel the effects of it. After losing most of my splits, I have not done well at all. I never wanted to integrate in the first place, so releasing them was the worst possible thing to happen.

As I go longer and longer without my other splits, I find myself struggling to function. I am trying so hard to appear "normal" but it's just too hard. Something is really wrong in my mind and I need my splits back - all of them.

I'm so afraid of the damage this release has caused. I can't believe I actually trusted this other therapist. I never let my guard down. I never trust until I have known a person a long time. What the h*ll was I thinking?!?!

I'm tempted to call my T... I keep losing major gaps of time. I know the littles who are left are so depressed and distraught that it is making it even more difficult for me to function.

These past two weeks have been horrible and I just want to go back in time and tell myself not to go to that new therapist. She really messed up my mind, my system, my life. I want to cry but I can't. The tears won't come...

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Student Teaching

Well I started student teaching yesterday!

My first day went very well - I was not nervous at all! I observed for pretty much the entire school day and I helped my mentor teacher prepare things before and after school. I got to know most of the other teachers I will be working with over the next few weeks and see what goes on during the school day.

Today was my second day and it also went very well! I observed again (I have to get so many observation hours to meet my requirements) so I was getting a little weary by the middle of the day. I really just want to start teaching! I start taking over one period (7th grade math) on Monday so that is exciting!

To update from the last post... I still have not responded to Caly's e-mail. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do. I need to figure out what will be best for me, especially since her e-mail was a huge trigger and I'm still not quite over it. I'm thinking once I calm down I will be able to think more clearly about it. Plus I want to discuss it with my T when I meet with her next. I guess we'll just see how it turns out...

My sister Brooke (the engaged one, a.k.a. my twin sister) is heavy into the wedding plans. Since I will be her maid of honor, she has been asking me all kinds of questions that I really don't know the answers to! Oh well... I still love her :) It will be weird to have her move out. I'm so used to her being right down the hall...

I find that the busier I am, the better my splits and I do as a whole. I find that while I have been observing in the classroom the past two days, I have trouble focusing, concentrating, answering questions, quick thinking, etc. But as soon as I jump in to help a student or talk to the teachers, I find myself able to focus and just do better mentally over all. So I'm hoping that will also be the case when I start teaching.

Blah... I'm wiped out! I'm hoping I will acquire more energy as the days go on or else I'm going to be spending my weekends sleeping...

I hope you all are having a good week!!


Monday, August 9, 2010


I'm still processing it.

I don't even know what to say or where to begin.

I can't even remember if I have talked about "her" on this blog.

Today was my session with T. We brought back some more of the splits that were released. I am finally starting to feel more whole and complete - which is totally the opposite of DID but hey, it's my "normal" so go with it.

I was walking to my car after the session and I opened my phone to check my messages. There, sitting in the front of my inbox messages was a message from Caly.

Some background on Caly - we met when I was about 8 and we were friends for 11 years (about 3 - 4 of those years we were best friends). We went to the same elementary, junior high and high school (she was one grade ahead of me). We both ended up going to the same college and in my second semester she asked me to be roommates with her.

Long story short, she emotionally, verbally and sexually abused me the nine months we lived together. I didn't know about the sexual abuse part until a couple of my splits came forward about it a year later. She had an ongoing relationship with one of my splits that I had no idea about. And when I was out she would emotionally and verbally abuse me. It was a horrible situation to be in.

After several of my other friends telling me to move out, I finally found the courage and found a place with my other roommate and we moved out. This PISSED Caly off to no end. She ended our friendship.

Caly told me I had used her and that she had "given me everything" and that I was ungrateful, etc. She never wanted to see me or talk to me again.

That was three years ago.

I have seen her maybe 3 times since then. Twice was to pay for rent, and once at a baby shower of a mutual friend. That's it. No contact, no nothing.

And then I get this e-mail from her today saying "I just want to say that even though you screwed me over repeatedly, I would like to bury the hatchet."

Really, Caly?? Really?? I screwed you over?!?!

And what is with the random e-mail? Is she going through some life changing thing that has made her see that she shouldn't hate people? That she needs to make amends with everyone she's wronged?

I really don't know what to do. I haven't responded yet, and I'm not even sure how I would respond.

I feel like I keep getting thrown these huge life changing things lately... I'm just barely starting to heal from the crazy new therapist releasing most of my splits, and now I have to deal with a past best friend/abuser who apparently wants to make things "all better" between us. And then I start student teaching on Wednesday...

I have been in a weird funk ever since I read the message. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest - almost like what you feel like just before a panic attack, only the panic attack never comes! Ahhhh..... I just want Caly to go away. I was fine not talking to her.

This message has brought up a lot of old memories - most of which I didn't want to relive. She put me in a very dark place and I don't want to go back to that. I don't want her to have control over me anymore. But then I also want there to be some closure between us. I highly doubt I will ever be friends with her again but it would be nice to know that she doesn't hate me anymore - for whatever her reason is.

Blah... What a day... What a week! :/


Saturday, August 7, 2010

Becoming Closer With My Mom

There is so much going on with me and my splits, me and my mom, me and my t, and me and my fast-approaching life. There are simply not enough hours in my day to write about it all but I so badly wish to share it with all of you!

For those of you who have been following my blog know that my mom and I do not have a good relationship. My mom never abused me, so that is not the issue with us. It is mostly her misunderstanding of my DID and her wanting me to be "normal" and her denial that anything - relating to abuse - happened to me. But my experience with this new therapist (see last post) has changed our entire relationship.

Since my mom was there in the session with me, my t and the new therapist, she was able to experience a lot of things with me that she has never seen before. My t encouraged me to talk with my mom after this horrible session because she would be the only other person to understand at least a fraction of what I was going through without having to do a bunch of explaining. I was very apprehensive at first because my mom is quick to judge things and I was in no state of mind to take any such thing. But I was brave and decided to try it.

My mom thought that me getting rid of most of my splits (only 6 remaining after the session with new therapist) was a huge step "in the right direction" to being "normal". But after a day without my main splits, I could see that I was going down the wrong path and failing miserably. I needed to bring them back.

I calmly explained this to my mom. I told her that it wasn't going backwards if I brought some - or all - of them back because without them I would not be okay. I would be way worse than not okay. I could see it in her face that she did not like the fact that I would need to bring some (or all) of them back, but I could also see that she was willing to accept it. That is HUGE.

I have been talking with my mom a lot over the past week about how I am doing and what my t and I have figured out since the horrible session with new therapist. It is weird for me to have this connection with my mom. I still feel like I'm telling her lies when it really is all true. I don't know why I feel this way - maybe it's my way of being defensive without showing it on the outside.

But something my mom said to me during one of our conversations really stuck out to me and to be honest, it surprised me. She told me (a little teary-eyed, might I add) "I cannot believe how strong you are. I don't know why you have to go through this but I don't think I could ever deal with what you have to deal with. You are constantly amazing me."

It really touched my heart. I finally feel like she is starting to want to understand what I deal with constantly.

Over the past few days, she has gotten more "gutsy" at asking me questions about my abuse. I have been very vague and most of the time I tell her I don't want to talk about it. She seems to trigger me a lot, unintentionally. It gets me all anxious and worked up. But I kind of hope we do get to a point where I can at least talk about it a little bit with her. I don't want her to know everything - there is no way she could handle it. But I think I do want her to know at least some things.

I finally got brave enough to say I didn't want to see Grandma C anymore. She comes over every Sunday for dinner and I'm sick of hiding from her. I want to be able to be in my own house and not have to worry about running into her or having to see her. My mom talked to my dad and supposedly they are going to work it out with her so she doesn't come over as often and hopefully eventually not at all. I know for a fact that Grandma C will NOT like that. I just hope it all works out...


Thursday, August 5, 2010

Never Again...

As promised, here is the story about what happened exactly a week ago...

My t has had me working on focusing on clearing my mind and being in a calm, relaxed state. At first I was doing it when I was alone in my room, and then I moved up to doing it when I was around family or close friends, then I moved up to doing it at different times at work and then finally learning to do it where ever I was. It took LOTS of practice and it was very hard for me at first, because clearing your mind is tough enough, but when there are 35 other people also in your mind, they have to learn too or move out of the way.

Her idea was, that once I mastered clearing my mind and relaxing, she could help me to release some of the heavy emotional baggage that I have been caring for most of my life. We had done this before, back when I was in high school, but we both felt like we needed to do it again.

About two or three weeks ago, my t met with some of her colleagues about releasing emotional stuff and one of them suggested a therapist that does this all the time. She comes highly recommended and she happened to be local - about 45 minutes from where I live.

My t brought it up with me and asked if I would be up for it. T told me she would accompany me and if I wanted, my mom could come as well.

I thought about it for a few days and thought it couldn't hurt. My t would be there so nothing would happen that I was against or was uncomfortable with, and my splits would behave since t would be there. I agreed to try it.

We made the appointment and the morning of, I became extremely nervous and anxious. My whole body was shaking and my splits were in a frenzy. I tried countless times to clear my mind and relax but I just couldn't. I was too freaked out.

My t met with the other t while my mom and I waited in the waiting room. I kept telling myself to take deep breaths but it just wasn't working. We were finally called in.

As soon as I walked into the room, I went into a full-fledged panic. There were three chairs side by side lined up against a wall, and in front of them was a table. Do you understand the need to panic?

My t pulled me aside and said I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to. She reassured me that I was in full control and I had the say. Somehow I agreed to still try it.

The new therapist had me lay on the table on my back with my eyes closed. She read off different emotions and when my facial muscles would move a certain way, she knew that was an emotion I needed to release. She would then have me release it through "touch release" which is basically me putting my first fingers on certain parts of my face and visually seeing it leave my body. It may sound like a total joke but it actually worked. Even my splits were able to release stuff!

For each emotion, there would be different touch points but she never had to touch me because I had to do it.

But then she got to a point and asked me if I was ready to release my alters. I. FREAKED. OUT.

But I felt like I had no was like I was in a trance and I couldn't wake up. This new therapist had me walk through this meadow in my mind and imagine a door off to the side. Then, one by one, most of my splits came to me, said goodbye - some gave words of wisdom or encouragement - and then walked through the door. This went on until I had six left.

The entire time I was bawling my eyes out. I felt like I was losing my best friends. They had been with me for years, some of them my whole life, and they were leaving.

When I finally came out of it, I was devastated. I felt weird - I was really light and my head was so clear and open - but I was severely emotional and I wanted my splits back.

My t and I went to a separate room and she asked me how I was. I didn't know what to say... I felt like a huge chunk of myself and been taken from me. I was distraught.

My t told me to drink lots of water and to call her that night so she could see how I was doing. I went home (good thing my mom had come because there was no way I would have been able to drive) and went straight to bed. I slept for hours and when I woke up, I couldn't handle my emotions.

I was crying so hard, I couldn't breathe. I was rocking back and forth, writhing on my bed. I had never felt such a big loss in my entire life. Once I settled down a little bit, I called my t.

She could tell I was not well. She asked me what I was feeling and I told her I was regretting the whole thing - going to a new therapist, releasing emotions, releasing most of my splits. She told me to go back to sleep and to call her first thing in the morning. I agreed and went back to sleep.

The next morning I was clearly dissociating more than I had ever dissociated. The six splits I had left were severely depressed and couldn't function any better than I could. But somehow when we called t, we told her we were doing better.

Friday was difficult. My mom thought I had had the best experience the day before and was so happy for me. I didn't think I could tell her how bad I was doing.

I floated through most of Friday. My parents took me out to lunch, I went shopping for hours with my mom, then went out to dinner with three of my sisters and then went to a late movie. After the movie (it was about midnight) my friend Rae texted me and asked me how my day was. I lost it... I told her it was awful.

She called and talked to me for a while, but I couldn't explain to her what had happened. She knew about my DID but there was no way I could explain what had happened to me. After we hung up, I went to my room and cried.

All of Saturday I spent trying to solve my Rubik's cube. I spent about 15 hours on that thing and I could not solve it for the life of me. This is not normal, because I can usually solve that thing in under a minute. I called my t and told her something was very wrong. I couldn't read because my dyslexia was so bad. I couldn't do any type of math. I couldn't write my books. I couldn't remember my two youngest sister's names.

My t and I talked through it and we figured out that because the other therapist had released my other splits the way she did, I now did not have access to the things they had. We made an appointment for Monday morning.

I floated through most of Sunday and put on my "happy face" for everyone. Monday finally came and it was time for "couch work".

Something that is interesting that I really want to share with you guys - I could feel some of the splits that had left around me. Almost like they were spirits. What is really interesting, is that my t had some around her too. She told me that all weekend long she kept experiencing teenager emotions and that it had to be from my splits. So basically, my t got a little taste of what it is like to have DID. That is one positive of this experience!

We worked down the list of the splits that had been released and figured out which ones needed to come back. There were 8.

She had me close my eyes and visualize them, and I would tell her where they were at around me. She then had me welcome them back in and slowly all eight made their way back.

After the session things started to get much better. I was gaining things back and I could read, write and do math again. I also remembered the names of people and could function more normally.

Needless to say, I am NEVER going back to that new therapist. She may work wonders for other people but she should not mess with people who have DID. She could have done some serious damage to me.

But as this week has unfolded, I am noticing little things I still cannot do. My t called me this morning and I told her this. She is going to call me back to make another appointment. We agreed that we will need to have all of the splits come back and then we can integrate the ones I no longer need. My T's way of integration has been very successful in the past and I think I should let her do it from now on.

It has been a really tough week for me and I'm so glad it is almost over.


***NEXT POST*** Becoming Closer With My Mom (Through This Experience)

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

My 100th Post!

This is my 100th post on this blog! I felt like I should do something, since it is the 100th and all...

So I have decided to put ten random facts about me (because 100 is an INSANE amount!).

#1 - I LOVE roller coasters. When I get my own place in the country, I want to design and build a roller coaster in my backyard.

#2 - I love math. Sudoku is a favorite, Rubik's cubes are fun, Hi-Q is amazing. I love doing math problems for fun and math puzzles. I am constantly doing equations in my head pretty much everywhere I go.

#3 - I have an identical twin sister. She does not have DID.

#4 - I have wanted to be a teacher ever since I was about 3 years old. I love doing schoolwork/homework. I love teaching and tutoring kids and classmates.

#5 - I am currently writing a book (actually several, but I'm focusing really hard on one right now). I'm a little nervous to get it published because I don't want people knowing I wrote it, but at the same time I do... It's tough.

#6 - I write my own music on the piano and the violin. I'm working on setting up a few appointments to record some of my favorites to make a CD or two, maybe more.

#7 - I love to go on road-trips by myself or with one other person. When I'm by myself, me and all my splits have a blast! I'm sure many of you know what I mean :)

#8 - I love to take pictures. I have only taken one photography class and it was during my freshman year of high school, so I'm not like amazing at it but I think I'm pretty good. I love to scrapbook and make photo albums too.

#9 - I have never broken a bone. Everyone who knows me thinks this is a miracle, because I am constantly getting hurt somehow. I always have at least one or more bruises on me at all times. (I have one on my arm right now from running into a wall corner. It hurt! Haha)

#10 - Gilmore Girl's is my all time favorite show ever! I have watched all the episodes at least 10 times each or more. I own all the seasons so I am always watching it.

Well that's a little more randomness about me! My next post will be my explanation of what happened last week with the new therapist (that I am NEVER going back to, by the way).

I hope you all are having a great week so far!


Monday, August 2, 2010


So last week on Thursday (the 29th) I had a very intense experience. I want to write about it but I feel I still need to process it for a few more days before I really dive into it.

For those of you who may have come to my blog over the past few days might have noticed that my split's names have shrunken and my splits (alters) page is no longer there. This is because another therapist tried a new integration process on me and it ended very badly. Again, I will write about it soon.

Today I met with my T and we were able to bring some of the main splits back, which has been a huge blessing already and it has only been a couple of hours.

I also signed in about 10 minutes ago and saw that my blog background is no longer able to show up, so I have redone my blog. I found some bee stuff and it made me so happy! I hope you all like it too.


P.S. Thank you to all of you who have been emailing me over the past few days. It has been a huge blessing and I appreciate it so much.