Between The Minds ~ The Beehive

Best Friend

2011-11-16T15:57:00.001-07:00

My whole life, I've always wanted that person I could call my true "best friend".

You know what I'm talking about - the kind of friend you read about in a book or see in a movie. They are always there 100%, never judging, say encouraging words, hold you when you're sad, celebrates when you're happy, and is just an all-around great person. I've always wanted that... I've wanted to be able to trust another person completely so I could have a friendship that strong, but I guess I've just always assumed I would never have something that great.

I work with a girl (let's call her M) who I met back in the beginning of August. She teaches in the same hallway I do and we ended up working together quite a bit. Over the past month and a half, we have been spending more and more time together because of work - naturally, we started to get to know each other better and started hanging out together more and more outside of work.

Over the past few weeks, we've spent as much time as we can at work together, as much time outside of school together, and texting/talking on the phone the rest of the time. We ended up hanging out one night and pulled an all-nighter and talked for about 14 hours straight. It was one of the best nights of my life because I was able to share with her things I've never told anybody else and she was able to do the same with me.

I was also able to share my DID with her and what really impressed me was the first question she asked me after I told her. She said, "Bee, I would really like to get to know your other personalities if that's okay with you guys?"

No one has ever asked me if they could get to know my alters. I told her heck yes!

*Bee

Things I Wish I Could Say

2011-10-19T20:37:00.000-07:00

I had a session with my T on Monday. Instead of telling her all the things that I have been struggling with the past few weeks, I let one of my alters be out for the time with her.

These are the things I wish I could have said to her...

I'm so overwhelmed by my anxiety that my weight has dropped far below the normal range - it is starting to become a major concern. It's even more frustrating because the people around me make comments about how they wish they could lose weight as fast. I wish I could tell them that this is NOT a good thing...

Some of my alters are constantly screaming. Nothing I do soothes them or makes them stop.

My pain levels are starting to rise again. Some are really high and it's a struggle to do simple things - even just getting out of bed in the morning.

We're all struggling with sleep again and it's starting to effect us during the day - major loss of focus, no attention span, major dissociation/switching, memory loss, fainting spells, exhaustion, etc.

Side effects from new medications are becoming a major concern.

I'm feeling like a total fake and a liar because my roommates don't know about my DID or my alters. I feel like I can't be myself and I feel like I'm constantly hiding something. I hate that.

I hate my job because my principal is forcing me into situations that put me in a position that could potentially get me fired. But at the same time I don't want to quit because I love my students and the teachers I work with and it's a job. How in the world am I supposed to deal with that?

I feel incredibly overwhelmed by life because I feel like I have to hold in all of these secrets because of my DID, and because of my job, and because of my health issues, and because of this and that and etc etc etc. I hate secrets. I hate feeling like I'm hiding things from people. I don't want to hold everything in anymore. I want it gone. I want to be done with it.

There is so much more I need to say and write but I can't...at least not right now.

The things I wish I could say...

Introducing My Alters

2011-10-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

Fall and spring are typically very tough times of the year for both me and my alters, especially fall. I've noticed over the past few years that talking to our T is just not enough for us to express what is going on and we're often left feeling depressed and alone with no one else to talk to between sessions. I've been thinking of ways to fix this problem and the only thing I've come up with so far is sharing my blog with them. We've kind of done this in the past but now I want them to make themselves known and really express what's going on for them. I hope it will not only help them individually and all of us as a whole person but each of my readers as well and maybe even their alters.

I know some of you already share your blog with your alters so any ideas or tips or anything would be greatly appreciated!

Have a great week :)

*Bee

I Am Ready! Bring It On!

2011-10-02T17:57:00.000-07:00

I have had the amazing opportunity to move in with some beyond amazing girls who have changed and are changing my life for the better. I have never been so happy all the time in my entire life. No matter what kind of day I've had, as soon as I walk into my house a smile appears on my face simply because the energy is so good and happy and I feel loved. I feel accepted. I feel at peace and safe. For the first time in my life, I know what "home" feels like.

The three times I have had to go back to my parents house (for whatever reason - borrowed/returned something, birthday, etc) since I've moved out, I've hated the feeling/energy in their house and I just wanted to leave it. All of my friends and co-workers have been commenting on how much happier I've been and how happy I look all the time. Even my twin sister says she can tell that my whole life has turned around in these last 3 weeks.

This is probably the best thing I could have ever done for myself and my alters. I am so blessed to have found this house and these amazing girls to be my roommates. We have all instantly become really good friends and I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now. I am so excited to finally be able to do some serious work in therapy so I can heal and really move on in life.

I AM READY! BRING IT ON!

*Bee

Who Art Thou, Imposter?

2011-09-24T18:47:00.001-07:00

My new T and I have been working through some things that my old T had really upset me about in the past. I have been sending my new T some of my old emails to her - (conversations between me and my old T). I came across one particular email that really hit me hard...at first I tried to put it aside and forget it but it kept nagging me in the back of my mind.

At the time, I had been pretty much on bed rest because of my severely high pain levels. I was about 19 years old, on morphine, and basically stuck in bed all day except for when I had my college classes. My old T was convinced that my alters were sabotaging my life and I kept defending them, telling my old T that they weren't making me sick. This is what I wrote to my old T late one night...

“You don’t know what it’s like. There are theories from people who know nothing about having voices in their head. There are things I just know. I can’t prove them, but I know them. I know they are true. I know I have alters who lie and do things I hate, but this is me talking. I live with this disorder every moment of every day. I know things about it that nobody else would know - unless they have alters. There are things I can never tell. Never explain. Never be able to prove. But I know. I know...

I know it sounds weird when I say that I know when I can eat or drink certain things, or when certain things make me feel better or worse. It probably sounds like I’m crazy or that I’m making it up, but I swear I’m not. There is something going on and I can’t figure out what it is. It is frustrating and tiresome and ridiculous but I’m willing to fight for it.

You don’t know what it’s like to live like this. To be afraid of things most people cannot see. To talk to people who are only talking to you. To never sleep; instead, you see things and call them dreams because you don’t know what else to call them. Supposed memories that come to you, and people telling you it’s from your life but you don’t ever remember living it. You go weeks without eating anything and yet you look the exact same – as if no matter how much pain you have to suffer through from starving to death it never shows the effects on the outside.

I can’t explain to someone what it is like to look in a mirror and not recognize the face inside it. How there are some days I wake up and it takes everything inside me to put on a mask and walk through my life like someone else. I am the person that you pretend does not exist, except that is all I am, all of the time.

I feel like I’m always trying to give people what they want or expect, but I’m always falling short. Somehow I end up being the disappointment.

People I thought I knew, I really don’t know at all. Just like they don’t really know me, either."

I know I have come a long way from that point in my life, but there are still times when I feel like that person. I often wonder if I will ever stop feeling like an imposter in my own body?

Big Changes

2011-09-17T08:47:00.000-07:00

So many changes have taken place since I have last had a chance to sit down and blog. Big changes - both good and bad.

Being a teacher is very hard. Oftentimes I work 10 to 12 hour days (or more) because there are just simply not enough school hours to get everything done - and I'm not the only teacher who is staying this long. At least half of the other teachers are pulling crazy hours like this too, sometimes even more. Unexpected things pop up, meetings run long, prep hours disappear, emergencies, etc. Pretty soon you find yourself chained to your desk hidden behind a mountain of papers, wondering how far away the weekend is. I don't want my job to be like that. I want to love my job. I want to look forward to going to work. I love my students and I want to have a positive attitude so when I am working with them I can have a positive influence in their lives.

I moved. I got myself some roommates and moved out of my parents house (yay!) and it is awesome! I forgot how much better I do when I live on my own away from family. It has been a nice change.

I have been struggling. This time of year is always really rough for me and stays rough until after Thanksgiving/Christmas. I'm hoping this year things will be better because I will have a healthy escape (my house) to go to when my family and extended family become too overwhelming or triggering. I also have a new T that is amazing and has already done so much for me and my alters.

*Bee

Wow. That Session Was Amazing!

2011-08-22T23:07:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have been following my blog, you know that I've been having some major issues with my T. I ended up finding a therapist that I first met with about a week and a half ago - it was that initial "interview" session. Right away I felt this connection to her. Things just felt so right and there was a very powerful energy in the room.

Today I had my first official session with her - wow. That session was AMAZING!

On my way home from my session, I called my T (who I have been seeing for over 5 years) and told her that I wasn't going to be seeing her anymore. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!

Anyway, back to my new T!!

I have an alter who is under the age of 10, and who is always so so angry. She comes out and breaks things, tears things apart, sets fires, bangs her head, yells and screams, ruins anything she can get her hands on. Lately she has been having memories surface and it has been a real struggle for everyone in the system. My old T was afraid to work with her so that alter never came out during our sessions.

Well, today she came out during our first session with new T and WOW! Words cannot describe how amazing this T is. Not only did she meet this alter - new T talked with her the entire 60 minutes, and was so great with her that this alter didn't want to leave. For those of you who have an alter like this, you know how rare this is. This alter, who has hated everything and everyone for as long as I can remember, left today's session with a smile on her face. A SMILE!

Today's session had that same powerful energy - warm, encompassing, friendly, calming. My alters and I pick up on that so fast. I can't believe I've never been able to find her before.

Wow...I'm still just totally baffled and it has been several hours now since the session. I wish everyone could have a therapist who is this amazing.

I'm still "WOW"-ing in my head, over and over again!

*Bee

The Waves Keep Coming...

2011-08-20T17:37:00.006-07:00

I apologize for the choppy-ness of this post and any triggers it may cause. I've been severely dissociated lately and it's hard to be grounded enough to type clearly.

It all started with the first days back to work with the other fellow teachers - no students. Only a couple of the teachers were here last year with me, all the rest are new. The chemistry is beyond fantastic. It's going to be an amazing year.

One teacher in particular, a male, has taken interest in me. Not in a bad way; he is a really great guy! We're able to joke around with each other at any given moment and it's nice to have someone like that. We've hung out quite a bit over the past few weeks. I'll call him L.N.

The end of the first week of school, with students, some of the teachers went to a restaurant after school to unwind, drink, talk, whatever. I don't drink - I'm very allergic to alcohol - but I went for the social part of it. My boss over my particular department got very drunk. More drunk than I've ever seen at a place like this.

******TRIGGER WARNING********

He ended up hitting on me at first, then talking about his dick - how big it was, how "pleasing" it was. I immediately started freaking out, internally, because externally I had to appear normal. I wanted to get out of there and just go home. L.N. volunteered to take this guy home but I could tell he really didn't want to. L.N. turned to me and asked if I could go with him to take this other guy home. I agreed because I trust L.N. (wow, did I just say that out loud??) but as soon as we got in the car, I regretted it.

The entire 30 minute car ride was my boss talking about how attractive and sexy I was. How big his dick was and how it didn't matter in the end. How I needed to find a good and honest guy to marry and have a family. How much he liked my body and my mind. I was frozen in the backseat, not able to say anything or even move. Absolutely terrifying.

***End Triggers***

We finally got him home and the car ride back was a little better. L.N. kept apologizing over and over again. He could tell I wasn't doing so good.

Ever since that night, I've been extremely dissociated. This whole week has been hell.

I've had several different parents attack me personally. One set of parents yelled at me for 5 minutes until the principal told them that I wasn't their student's teacher last year.

I woke up with a black eye one morning because my alters had been fighting with each other all night long. I've had yelling, screaming, fighting, etc going on in my head while teaching. I honestly don't understand how hell can be going on in your mind but on the outside look so "normal". It's a freaking miracle I haven't had an emotional breakdown yet.

Dissociation is my worst enemy and my best friend.

I got into a huge fight with my best friend - we've been friends for over 13 years now, more than half of my life. It was big and loud and ugly.
Then my sister Bri was yelling at me all week for who knows why!
My sister R called me a jerk and blamed me for not doing something SHE was responsible for.
My sister Ruthie is being taken from our family and will be living somewhere else - no one will tell us how long she'll be gone.
I'm so anxious and stressed out that I can't breathe. I've hardly ate anything. I haven't been sleeping.

I keep all my secrets deep inside of me. When I finally get to a point where I'm ready to talk about one of them, but there is no one to tell, that secret buries itself even deeper and the chances of it coming back up is slim to none.

I'm too exhausted to type anymore...

*Bee

Busy & Crazy But Good

2011-08-07T00:47:00.000-07:00

My life has been one big bunch of craziness! I finally got the keys to my new classroom, so the past two weeks I have been at my school trying to put my classroom together. I do, however, LOVE that I'm busy again! I forgot how much I love being busy all the time...
For those of you who have been following me, you've heard a lot about my T. The new update - I have decided to keep my T until I have found a new therapist that is a good match for me and my system. At this point in time, I want to have support from a T who knows me but I don't want to see her unless I really need to. This gives me a chance to search for a new T while not stressing myself out.

My T, however, gained some points this past week. I'm sure those of you with DID can relate...

I have been having a really hard time with one of my alters. She is considered a "main alter" in my system, meaning she is out a lot and is a very positive influence. Lately she has been remembering some very awful memories and she is really struggling. My other main alters and I have been constantly searching for new ways and techniques to help her through this hard time but nothing has worked. I felt so helpless watching her suffer so much...

We decided, as a system, to have a short session with our T to explain to her the situation and see if she had any suggestions that might help us to figure this out. Our T ended up suggesting something we thought was totally all wrong for this alter and that it would only complicate things even more.We left her office feeling even more frustrated.

A few days later, one of my alters came to me and said that we should just try our T's suggestion. We all knew it was a long shot but after a cumulative vote, we agreed to try.

Not even 10 minutes had gone by and this alter was improving exponentially! I was so surprised by this that I couldn't even think straight. It has now been 4 days since we tried our T's suggestion and this alter is already back into the swing of things and doing so great!

So for now, our T has earned some major points and has been bumped back up to a person we can learn to trust again. This doesn't mean we're going to stick with her - I still want to find a new T. But this positive experience will help me to move on without feeling guilty and emotionally attached. I will be able to move on without negative feelings regarding her.

I hope you all have a fantastic week! I finally get my students on Monday!! SO excited!!!

*Bee

Reflection

2011-07-25T21:47:00.007-07:00

Yesterday I was talking to my best friend about school starting back up again. I am so excited for the new school year and the new challenges it will bring. As we were talking, she started naming off all of the things I was able to help my students with this last school year.

One of my students, we'll call her Lexi, has a learning disability in both math and language arts (basically an English class). She came to me for both class periods and I taught her at her level of understanding. Lexi was extremely shy and withdrawn when I first met her during my student teaching and I immediately took her under my wing. She reminded me of myself when I was her age.

Although Lexi was an 8th grader, her level of understanding was about 3rd/4th grade. Her main struggle was her inability to retain information unless it was repeatedly taught to her over a long period of time. There were times that I spent the entire 60 minutes teaching her a simple math concept, and then the next day she would have no idea how to do the math problems based on what we had learned the day before. After several weeks of this, I became frustrated with myself because I wasn't able to get through to her.

What I did start noticing, however, was that she was starting to open up to me. Instead of me trying to get her to talk to me, Lexi would start the conversation! She started asking more questions and was able to voice what she wasn't understanding. As time went on she became more outgoing and self-confident. I became less frustrated with myself and did the best I could.

The last week of school, I was working with Lexi on her last math assignment. It was long division - we had been working on long division for 5 months with no real breakthrough. As she was working out the first problem, she looked up at me and said "I never knew how to do long division before because no one would teach it to me. Thank you for teaching me." She smiled and then went back to her assignment. It took all my strength to hold back the tears. I was so happy for her, but at the same time it made me so sad to think that all of her other math teachers hadn't bothered to spend some extra time with Lexi to teach her long division.

There are times when I feel like I need to be a better teacher because I'm not teaching my students "good enough"...but then I think back and remember Lexi. Something so simple that I had done for her meant the world to her.

I want to be able to do that for each and every one of my students.

*Bee

Barely Hanging On

2011-07-16T23:27:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling a lot lately... I know it is because I'm way over thinking and over analyzing everything. I do this when I have long break periods between things, like my long summer break until school starts back up again in the fall. I have fallen into my old pattern of over thinking and over analyzing...and I'm making myself sick because of it.

I'm afraid that I will fail as a teacher when school starts up again.
I'm afraid that I will have such a major breakdown that I will need to be hospitalized.
I'm afraid that I will go inside and never be able to come out again.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to trust my new T and that my alters will get worse, like before.
I'm afraid that I will fail.

No matter how hard I try to distract myself, these thoughts keep creeping back up into my mind and I am paralyzed with this overwhelming fear that I'm going to be a failure.

I don't know why so many people have told me that I'm amazing. That I'm smart. That I'm extremely talented. That I'm a hard worker. That I'm one-of-a-kind. I don't feel like I'm any of these. I feel like I'm a fake. I feel like I'm pretending to be all these things so people will think highly of me. I feel like I'm going to mess up big time and then all of those people will be so disappointed in me.

Why am I always thinking that I'm going to fail?

*Bee

Response

2011-07-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

(This post is a continuation of my last post - here)

I would have written this post sooner but I have been really sick these last few days and I've had no extra energy for anything but sleeping.

After sending my letter/email to my T on Saturday, I spent the weekend feeling very anxious and panicky. I didn't know how my T would respond and I just wanted some indication that she had at least read it. By Monday I had still not heard anything and so I took my emotions and pushed them to some place deep inside me.

Tuesday morning I received a call from my T and she asked if I could come in to see her. She said she wanted to talk to me and clear things up. I was hesitant, very hesitant, to meet with her since I had decided that our previous session would be the last one for a while, but, she said her colleague Dr S would be with us as well. I like Dr S a lot and I knew that having him there would be best in this situation.

During the session my T told me why she has been unavailable, even after she had promised me that she would be there for me. Once she had told me everything that has been going on (soooo much going on!), I asked her why she would share all of this with me. She looked at me for a second and then said, "Bee, I'm not going anywhere. I am here for you one hundred percent. I made a promise to you when I first started seeing you that I would stick with you for the whole ride, the whole journey. No matter what is going on in my personal life, I will make time for you."

While she was telling me this, I felt so special and loved and my anxiety slowly calmed down...

...but...

...I still had that nagging feeling in my gut that this was just another promise she was making that she wouldn't be able to keep...

Is that fair? Should I give her another chance? Should I keep crawling back to her?

As I look at this situation from an outside perspective, pretending that I am not this girl, pretending that I don't know this girl or this T -- I find myself disgusted. I find myself wondering why does this girl keep going back to her T? Why does this girl keep putting herself in the same situation over and over and over again?

I don't know why I keep going back. However, I did tell her that I want to take a break from her. I need to clear my head and figure out what I'm going to do. She set up an appointment with me for a month from that day, but I honestly don't think I'll be seeing her again.

I hope and pray that I am doing the right thing...because it is so, so hard.

*Bee

Dear T

2011-06-25T18:17:00.005-07:00

For those of you who have been following my blog know that I've had a rough couple of months with my T. She has been unavailable, cancelling appointments, repeatedly rescheduling appointments, saying and doing things that have hurt me and my alters. Yesterday I had a session with her and I was so angry and upset with her that I could hardly talk to her. I left with hateful thoughts and feelings, which is not like me at all.

Today I wrote her a letter because I can express myself so much better with written words, and I want to share that letter with you guys...

"Dear T,

I’m sorry about yesterday. I know you are there to help me, it’s just really hard for me to vocalize what is going on in my head. Most of the time it is really scary and unpredictable and I just want to be able to talk about it, but it’s hard.

I want so badly to be liked by everybody but I feel like I always fall short. I want at least some consistency to my crazy life so I expect certain things to always be there and when they’re not, I lose it. I break down. I fall apart. I expect you to be there for me for that small block of time every week, and when you’re not it really really hurts me. When you promise you’ll do something and you don’t follow through with it, it really really hurts me. And this week I needed something consistent and nothing was and I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I know that things come up. I know life can throw some pretty wicked curve-balls that no one predicts. I know that even if you want something badly enough that you would kill for it, you still might not get it. I know that you can’t always be there because that wouldn’t be healthy for either one of us but I need to know that you won’t abandon me because so many people have. I really want to be able to work through these awful things and heal. I don’t want to be scared anymore.

I don’t think there is any way for me to help you understand why it is so scary for me but I’ll try… I feel…lost, unimportant, not trusted, frustrated, angry, upset, confused, heartbroken, abandoned. So now what? It doesn’t matter if I lose months at a time and never remember anything? It doesn’t matter if I don’t come out for days at a time? It doesn’t matter that because I’ve been the main person for so long that now it’s someone else’s turn? Yeah, I know I’m still “me” but my whole concept of “me” is so distorted anyway and now I find out that I’m not who I thought “me” was?

Right now I am terrified and scared half out of my mind because I don’t know who I am, but I know I won’t feel like this forever. I just need you to know that that is where I am at right now because I’m freaking out and I can’t talk to anybody else about it. Not H, not K, not R, not B, not anybody. I need you to be there, even if it is through emails, because I am really scared and I have no idea what to do.

You were the person who got me to open up and share what has happened to me and what I’m going through. What I need is for you to listen and to just let me share what I’m feeling or going through at that moment so I can process it, and then let it go. I need that or else I end up holding on to a piece of it and it just comes back up again ten times worse. I have so many secrets bolted up inside of me that I can’t share because I don’t feel safe enough to, but I want to feel safe enough to share them. I’m so tired from carrying them around all the time."

*Bee

Goodbye T, I Am SO Done...

2011-06-22T22:27:00.004-07:00

I am so sick of this...so so so so so so sick of this.

My T had turned a full 180 degrees - she was returning my calls and emails, she went out of her way to check on me, our sessions were going great, my alters were happy, hell, I was happy! I stuck with my T because I thought she had finally realized what she was doing to me.

I was so wrong.

Why can't my T keep an appointment? Is it really that hard?!?! I mean, come on, seriously?!

I'm literally hanging by a thread, barely keeping it together. I've been going running every day just to feel something and I'm under strict doctors orders not to exercise.

Damn it, I can't keep doing this.

And my T wonders why I have trust issues. Gee, I wonder why?! Maybe if you kept our Goddamn appointments I could actually start making some progress!

We were supposed to meet earlier this week, she called to reschedule an hour before I was supposed to see her. We were supposed to meet tomorrow (Thursday) and she just called me to reschedule AGAIN. How much do you wanna bet that she's going to call again tomorrow to "reschedule"???

Goodbye T, I am SO done.

*Bee

Irritation

2011-06-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

The word irritation makes me think of a mosquito bite. No matter where a mosquito bite might be on your body, it can drive you absolutely crazy!

Scratching it provides temporary relief, but then the itch seems to come back ten times worse.
Rubbing it also provides temporary relief, but it still itches.
Smacking it, tapping it, or putting weight on it also provides temporary relief, but it still itches.
Mosquito bites basically irritate you to no end for several days, until they finally disappear.

Today my whole body felt like a mosquito bite. I did not want anyone around me. Don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't touch me, don't do anything to me, for me, or with me. Basically, leave me alone!

Of course, my parents didn't understand this. My mom insisted that I would feel better if I "just tried a little harder". Nope. It just doesn't work like that.

Irritation. I hate the way it feels.

*Bee

Thank You, T

2011-06-12T00:17:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have been following my blog, you know that lately I've been having a really hard time with my T - she's cancelled on me, stood me up, promised things she didn't keep, etc, etc, etc.

Recently I have had a lot of missing time, and by recently I mean over the past 5 or 6 months. I've tried to talk to my T about it but I have felt like I cannot even come close to conveying what it is like to lose time.

Every session my T tries to tell me that "she understands" or "knows what it feels like". Damn it, I know she doesn't understand! Why can't she just admit that?!?!

Today, I received an email from my T...

"Bee,
I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated. I have no idea how it is to have so much time pass and not know what happened. Write down the questions you have so when we meet next week, I can try to answer them.
T"

I was so shocked that she had admitted this to me - in all of the 6 years she has been my T, not once has she admitted this.

My reply was, "Thank you for acknowledging that you don't know what it's like. That means a lot."

*Bee

Power & Balance

2011-06-07T21:07:00.001-07:00

Today I bought a Power Balance bracelet...
Why did I do this? My T suggested it.

I'm not sure if I believe that it actually works, but I'm always up for trying new things. What's great about this is that all I have to do is wear it on my wrist. No extra effort, thinking, or time. It either effects me positively or not at all. I might as well try this.

It will arrive in 5 to 7 business days.

*Bee

The Silence is Screaming

2011-05-30T20:47:00.014-07:00

I don't have words, just a whole bunch of feelings. I'm warning you now, don't read on if you're easily triggered today. It's triggering me just thinking about what things I could write about today...

It feels like I'm constricted and suffocating. Sinking and drowning. Trapped. Anxious.

There's too much going through my head. Memories of abuse, torture, sexual monstrosities, murder. How did my fragile little self even survive this horror?

I am finally seeing whole faces of the main people involved, and I've been throwing up ever since. People I knew, and at one time possibly loved, people who were supposed to protect me, love me, nurture me. Now I see them as evil. Now I am afraid to be living in this house.

I so badly need my T right now. I need her support in this because I'm falling apart and I'm so so scared. I don't understand these things and I desperately need her guidance on finding the truth. Did these things really happen? because I don't believe I could ever make up something this bad.

All I can hear is their voices, their threats, their chants, their authority. My silent prayers, silent whispers, silent pleadings, silent pain.

I don't understand why people are involved in such horrible things.

*Bee

I'm Strong Enough To Do This

2011-05-21T00:17:00.001-07:00

For those of you who have been following my blog, especially my last few posts, know that I've been having issues with my T. We were supposed to meet earlier this week - she cancelled. We were scheduled to meet today...she never showed up. I called her 5 times, left 3 voice-mails, and waited for over half an hour. She still hasn't called me back.

I left her office feeling like I had been abandoned and I felt so alone. I'm so sick of being treated like this every single time. I was so angry at her that I called another T that I had wanted to meet with a few months back. This new T answered right away and remembered who I was. I asked her if I could schedule to meet with her, and she happened to have a cancellation today. I said I'd be right over.

I ended up meeting with her today. I like her so far. She has worked with another DID patient before, although it has been a few years. This DID patient was not high-functioning and ended up stopping therapy after only a couple years into it. The new T told me she has worked with RA survivors before, one of them is currently still in therapy with her. She does not believe that integration is the answer for every DID patient, which I totally agree with! She is willing to work with me and is excited to work with me.

This seems all very new to me. I've had the same therapist for over 6 years now, so I feel very out of practice in finding a new one. I haven't told my current T about this new therapist... and I haven't told the new therapist about my current/old T. It's going to be a really hard thing for me to do.

It's been a very long day... I can't wait for the summer break, but at the same time I dread it.

Just one more week.

I'm strong enough to do this.

*Bee

Strength of Millions

2011-05-14T13:07:00.003-07:00

(This blog post was supposed to be for Thursday, but Blogger was having issues)

I've always had to be strong.

I feel like I never had the choice to be anything other than strong.

I couldn't cry. I couldn't show that I was in pain.

I couldn't show that I was weak.

I couldn't write about it or talk about it.

Instead, I created people inside of me to carry the burden of always being strong.

Today, I felt as if I couldn't be strong anymore.

I found myself wanting someone to take care of me - someone to protect me so I didn't have to be so strong.

But there is no one. I sat in my car, driving around aimlessly, and crying my soul out.

I cried until I couldn't feel anything but numbness.

And now I build up my wall, stronger than ever, so tomorrow I can be strong again.

Never shall I ever show anything but strength. Because without this, I would break...

*Bee

Red Lines

2011-05-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know where I am today. I haven't dissociated this bad in long time. By the way, half of those words had that cool little red squiggly line under them because I can't even manage to spell. And some more red lines. Hopefully I picked the right words.

Not seeing my T is real bad...she helps me stay grounded. 6 1/2 weeks with not seeing her has not been good. More red lines as I write. I hope this makes sense.

I tried to drive home from work today - it usually takes me about 10 minutes. Well...today it took me over an hour because I kept getting lost. I couldn't remember where my house was. By the time I got home I felt very awkward in my body and I kept falling over and tripping as I walked through my house. My dad asked me if I was drunk.

I've never had the experience of being drunk, but I imagine it feels a little like this.

I tried all the grounding things that usually work at least a little for me but nothing really stuck. I hope I can function tomorrow.

Nothing is processing. I hope this makes sense.

If not, I may delete it in the future.

Lots and lots of red lines I must fix...

A Letter to my T

2011-05-08T22:07:00.001-07:00

Dear T,

In the last 6 weeks, I have seen you once.

6 weeks ago, we had the most difficult and rough session I've ever experienced. I was supposed to see you the following week, but you canceled. For the next three weeks, you canceled 5 more times. We were supposed to have a session so I could talk to you and process what we worked through. When we finally did have a session, it was three weeks and one day later. The session was rushed and in no way included a way for me to process through what happened.

I went to my pain doctor the next day and that is when he accused me of using THC. I called you as soon as I got to my car. Your response to this accusation was, "who have you been with in the last 3 weeks who would have access to THC?" I was so shocked by your response that all I could muster was the few names of people I had been around recently but none of them would do that. You told me that you would "think on it" and call me back the next day. I received no phone call from you.

Another three weeks has gone by and I have not seen you, talked to you, or received an email from you or any other form of communication. I've emailed 11 messages and called 3 times - leaving 2 voice-mails.

I'm angry with you. You know that I have a really tough time trusting people, including myself and my splits. You also know that I recently really began to trust my splits. I trusted them enough to know that none of them would ever do something to compromise that trust or all the hard work we have been doing, especially lately. None of them would put us, as a whole, at risk. Apparently you don't trust me or any of my splits.

I'm sick and tired of having to defend them because of your false accusations. At this time I cannot provide you specific examples, but whenever something goes "wrong" for me, you automatically accuse them. If I'm sick, you accuse them. If I can't sleep, you accuse them. If I've suddenly lost 15 pounds, you accuse them. The list goes on and on.

It has taken me years to be able to trust you with myself and to trust you with my splits. Right now, we all have lost our trust in you. We're seriously contemplating finding a new therapist - one who trusts us until we do something to lose it.

This is a very difficult decision to make, but at this time we feel it is vital to our healing process. We still have not decided if we should attend our session scheduled for this week. I'm sure if we wait long enough you'll cancel it anyway.

Sincerely,
Bee

Music Saves Me

2011-04-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

To put it simply, this week has been hard.

Monday I had over 20 needles jabbed into my neck, head, shoulders, and jaw. It wasn't as painful as it sounds, it's the after effects of what was injected that truly caused pain. The doctor told me I needed to go to physical therapy to make sure the injections worked properly. My last experience with physical therapy ended rather abruptly when my pain got so bad that I couldn't move for several days. I told the doctor I wasn't going back.

Tuesday my younger sister sat in my classroom with me for three hours telling me all the abuse she has remembered. While I'm grateful that she has someone to talk to, who listens and who believes her, it's still really hard for me. I knew deep down that she was also abused but I always wished that it wasn't true. Now I know without a doubt that we were both abused. There are things I have never told a soul and she knew those things.

Wednesday I woke up extremely depressed like I did Tuesday and Monday as well. I was having horrible body memories all night long and when I did manage to sleep, I had distorted memories flooding through my mind. I was so worn out and exhausted. Teaching was a struggle but my students are so awesome. I am truly blessed to have this job.

Thursday was really strange. I had been battling a cold for a few days by this time but during the first period of the school day, my stomach was in an extremely high amount of pain. I had to sit down at my desk. Two hours later I had not moved and my pain had become worse. My aid told me I needed to just go home. I finally broke down and called my sister to come pick me up. Turns out I had gotten the stomach flu. Add that to the cold I already had and I was very sick. I spent the rest of the day in bed.

Friday I was still in a ton of pain but I forced myself to go to work. It was a good thing I did because my aid ended up having to go home - I guess she caught the stomach flu too.

Saturday I had so many emotions flooding through me that I decided to sit down at my piano keyboard. I had this tune playing over and over in my head that I was manipulating and creating in my mind. I decided to put it together in reality and it was so good.

Sunday I continued to manipulate this tune on the piano and I ended up composing an 8 1/2 minute long song. I keep playing it over and over again and it keeps me going. It is so filled with all of my emotions from this week and past emotions that I've subconsciously held onto. I recorded it onto my cell phone so I can play it for my T. I used to do that for her in the past because she can tell where I'm at from what I create on the piano. My T loves my songs. She wishes she had a piano in her office so I could play live for her.

It's been over two weeks since I've met with my T. I hope she comes back soon...I've really struggled these past two weeks and I desperately need someone to talk to who can help me deal with all of this new stuff. I feel like all of the abuse is becoming raw again with my sister starting to remember things.

I feel like I'm rambling and not really saying anything important... Maybe I should just go to bed and hope for a good day tomorrow.

*Bee

It Starts With a "D"...

2011-04-03T19:37:00.004-07:00

***May be triggering. Please read with caution.***

Depression. It affects about 18 million American's every year.

For most of my life I have had severe depression but I learned to keep it hidden because I didn't want anyone to know.

One night during my junior year in high school, I almost bled to death on my bathroom floor. My best friend was the only other person that knew I was suicidal and the next day she made me go to one of the school counselor's and talk to them. It was the first time I cried in front of someone in a long, long time.

The counselor ended up calling my parents and when I got home that day from school, the look in their eyes made me feel ashamed. How could I do this to them? To my sisters? To my family? My response: Silence.

My mom never let me out of her sight for months. She would check up on my frequently during the night. She would never cease to remind me that she was "just down the hallway." It made me hate my life even more. She didn't listen to me when I was younger so why the h*ll would she listen to me now?

My mom took me to several therapists, church bishops and other leaders, and psychiatrists. I refused to speak. Sitting in silence was something I was a pro at.

I look back at that time in my life and I see how lost I was, how terrified I was, how alone I was.

Right now I'm working through some very real, very heavy stuff with my T. And it is eating me alive this week. I hate to admit it but I'm depressed. As much as I try to hide it, I know it's here. My heart aches, my body is tired, my mind is scared. I just want to be alone but at the same time I am so scared of being alone.

I don't want to go back to how I felt in high school and my entire childhood. I don't want to be afraid of myself. I don't want to have to hide.

My T picked the absolute wrong time to go on vacation...

I better go and try to figure out how I'm going to be the happy, friendly, confident teacher for my students tomorrow. Right now that's what is keeping me afloat.

*Bee

April Fools Day

2011-04-02T11:07:00.000-07:00

As I work with my T more and more, I have learned to become more aware of myself and where I am at in the healing process.

Growing up, April Fools Day was one of my favorite holidays. I loved "cooking" up the perfect prank for my parents, my sisters, and my friends. I would spend weeks preparing for the perfect trick that would get everybody.

During the summer, right before I turned 15 years old, I had the opportunity to go to a week long camp program for my church. Hundreds of teenagers from age 14 to 18 come from all over the world to attend this camp program. We were placed in groups of about 10 girls and 10 boys. On the first day, we met the individuals in our group and played several "get-to-know-you" games. During one of the games, we were paired up with a random person in our group. I was paired up with another girl named Jessica.

As a 14 year old girl, I was extremely quiet and shy. I didn't share my feelings, or really anything for that matter, with anyone. I was not outgoing or spunky or happy. I was just existing.

Jessica, however, was the complete opposite of me. Just by looking at her, I could tell she was full of energy, extremely friendly, bubbly and outgoing. She probably had hundreds of friends and one of the most popular girls at her school. She was a person who I would have never had the opportunity to meet except for at this camp program.

I felt very awkward, at first, being paired with Jessica. She was so nice and caring towards me that it really freaked me out. I somehow managed to get through the questions our camp leaders had us ask each other and then continued the rest of the day trying to hide from her.

But Jessica wouldn't have that.

Every opportunity that presented itself, and even in moments that didn't, she would acknowledge me and talk to me. She was so persistent that I constantly assumed that she had some sort of agenda to hurt me. I couldn't trust anyone, after all.

On the third day of this camp week, the group split up and went to separate locations - the girls with the girls, the boys with the boys. Our camp leader had us sit in a semi-circle, and then she told us that we each would share something we went through that was really hard for us.

Our leader paired us up again, and again Jessica was my partner.

Jessica volunteered to go first, of course. I assumed she would share something unimportant, like her boyfriend had just dumped her or that her pet gerbil died when she was 7. But what I didn't expect was what she did share.

She started out by saying that 3 months prior she went to the doctor for a regular check up, and her doctor had found something abnormal. For a month, she was referred to doctor after doctor after doctor until finally they found what was wrong. She was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer and she only had a few months left to live.

I was stunned. Shocked. Speechless.

I couldn't speak. I just stared at my lap.

Jessica scooted her chair right up next to mine and put her arm around me. She whispered in my ear and said, "I know what yours is."

My eyes filled up with tears but I held them in. I felt myself nod in response. She was the only person who had ever acknowledged my searing pain from the abuse I had gone through and was currently going through.

We were inseparable the rest of the week. Jessica spent every waking moment making me laugh. I hadn't laughed in such a long time! As we got to know each other better, we realized how alike we were. We lived about 15 minutes away from each other and even went to the same school in 7th grade. She also had an identical twin sister.

The end of the week came much too quickly....

As it turned out, we ended up going to the same high school, both of us starting our sophomore year. Jessica's strength and kindness never ceased to amazed me.

Her birthday was April Fools Day and, try as she might, could never convince anybody that it was her birthday! She was the kind of person who would walk up to a total stranger and strike up a conversation. Sometimes she would even talk to them like she remembered them from her past, "Hey! Oh my gosh I haven't seen you since second grade! Do you remember me? I was the girl who gave you the purple flower on the first day of school." Of course the person would be completely clueless, but not wanting to be rude would reply, "Oh yeah, I kind of remember that."

A quirk that I loved about her was that she would only write with Crayola markers. Every assignment and test would be in pink Crayola marker. She also had to crumple up everything before she could turn it in or give it to someone. It got so bad that the school had to make her a 504 plan to accommodate these things. Every note she ever wrote to me is in pink Crayola marker and you can she the crumpled marks on it.

At each doctor's appointment her doctor would tell her that she only had a little time left. When she would see me later, she would say "I'm going to live past that date." At first I didn't think she could do it although I wished with all my heart that she would. Every three months she would still be alive and well, kicking her cancer in the butt.

When she passed the year mark of being diagnosed, she set the record for the longest survivor of her type of cancer.

We continued to be best friends throughout high school, each passing year putting the record for longer and longer. Her doctor's couldn't believe the miracle that was happening.

Both of us went off to separate colleges but still kept in contact every day. Jessica kept her word each time she said "I'm going to live past that date."

During the summer after our freshman year in college, Jessica passed away - the longest survivor of her type of cancer.

I think about her every April Fools Day because it was her birthday and her favorite holiday. I find myself having a difficult time on April Fools Day because I don't have her there giving me the greatest ideas to trick people and because I think I lost some of my "spark" when she passed away.

Jessica, I hope you're having just as much fun, or more, in Heaven right now. Rest in peace, friend.

*Bee

Things I Don't Tell My T

2011-03-27T01:17:00.010-07:00

I don't tell my T that I just need to hold her hand.

I don't tell my T that I crave someone who is safe.

I don't tell my T that I remember every detail from my nightmares.

I don't tell my T that I struggle every day.

I don't tell my T that my eating disorder is still a problem.

I don't tell my T that I feel like I'm always lying because I'm so different.

I don't tell my T that my anxiety levels are so high that I can't breathe.

I don't tell my T that I feel so lost.

I don't tell my T that I want to scream because I feel so desperate.

I don't tell my T that I want to hide from everything.

I don't tell my T that I just want somebody next to me who understands.

I don't tell my T that I wish things could change.

I don't tell my T that I don't feel alive.

I don't tell my T that I can't help but push people away.

I don't tell my T that I'm desperate to forget and get rid of all the bad things.

I don't tell my T that I still have a million secrets she doesn't know about.

*Bee

Is It All A Lie?

2011-03-19T17:17:00.005-07:00

I struggle every day. I don’t fit in this world.

I watch people to see how they function and interact but no matter how hard I try I can’t be like them. It might be easy to fake it at first but as time goes on I don’t have what they have.

They try to teach me but I can’t be something I’m not. How do you live in a world that can’t accept you for who you are?

I have been forced into survival mode and I can’t leave it. It’s all I know; it’s all I have. They don’t understand unless they’ve been there.

Growing up I was taught that it’s a sin to lie. So isn’t it a sin to fake your existence in a world you don’t belong in?

It’s hard to live with yourself day after day after day when you feel like it’s all a lie.

Good Day, Good Night

2011-03-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to post that today, despite the severe pain, was a pretty good day. It was very productive, and I was actually able to focus long enough to teach effectively all day.

I also had a GREAT session with my T yesterday. I left feeling like we really accomplished some things that I/we've been working on for months (and years) and, dare I say it, energized! I've been in a good mood every since.

Now I'm off to bed because I am exhausted....

I love my job :)

*Bee

Compare.

2011-02-19T15:57:00.003-07:00

Compare.

This is a word I have grown to hate my whole life.

It's hard enough when you're different from all of the other kids.
Your parents compare you.
Your teachers compare you.
Your classmates compare you.

Now add an identical twin sister.

Who's prettier? Who's funnier? Who can run faster, throw better, lift more, speak faster, think quicker, learn easier, earn better grades?

The comparing never stops.

Add abuse into the mix and it only gets worse. Especially when you're identical twin sister wasn't abused...

Compare, compare, compare.

I have been struggling to stay out. Right now my life is really hard. I have been on survival mode for weeks. There have been times where I thought I wouldn't keep living. Not in a suicidal way. I thought that things were so hard that I would literally die because of how bad things were.

With DID, in my case, I don't have to be out all the time to function. My splits carry on just fine without me running the show. Some of them even prefer it. With that said, I have been really struggling to stay out because I don't feel like I'm very good at living anymore. I have sunk down to the level of people who have been comparing me my whole life.

I have started to compare myself against my splits.

They can talk better, think faster, teach more effectively...and the list goes on. Why do I need to be out if they are so much better at living my life than I am?

Therapist's answer: because it's your life and your body.
My answer: ...

Well...I don't have an answer.

My therapist always says that I'm really the one who created my alters. Granted, I was so young I can't even remember it happening so I feel like that shouldn't even count. I really hate it when she tells me that though. It makes it sound like I am making up my DID. I already have a hard enough time with the fact that I have other people living in my head, I don't need the added pressure of "well, you created them dear."

I'm just so frustrated, exhausted, mentally drained, physically worn out, and emotionally spent....

*Bee

Pain

2011-02-09T19:47:00.000-07:00

What is pain?
Can you see it?
How does it come?
Why doesn't it go?
Is there such a thing as "painless"?
Who invented pain?
Where did it come from?
When did it start?
Did I do something wrong?

If I wish long enough, will it go away?

Right now I am in so much pain that I'm having a hard time staying awake.
Not the kind of "hard to stay awake" when you're sleep deprived.
It's the kind of "hard to stay awake" because the pain is so encompassing.

I can't even tell if the rest of my body hurts because the pain is so great.

Pain is not a big enough word for what I am physically experiencing and feeling right now.

*Bee

I Wish....

2011-02-06T13:37:00.001-07:00

I wish the people who are supposed to be helping me would listen to me.

I was diagnosed 5 years ago with DID. Ever since that time, I have spent the majority of my life trying to piece together the puzzle of my splintered, fractured existence. I've researched, read, studied, documented, and experienced everything I could to help me to understand myself, my mind, and my whole life.

I know what works for me and what doesn't.
I know how much I can handle.
I know when I need to do something or stop something.
I know who in my life is safe to be around and who is not.
I know where to go when I'm having a hard time.
I know why some things are triggering and how to keep myself from freaking out.

But because I am not a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, or brain expert, I am dismissed. I am pushed aside.

Trying pain medication after pain medication, and having horrible side effects because of their nature to focus on "fixing" the brain, I am left to endure the horrors of my past over and over again.

If only the people who were trying to help me would listen to me. We wouldn't have to go through this hell and the doctors would feel safer prescribing me things.

I just want someone to listen....for once.

*Bee

I'm Still Here, Somewhere...

2011-01-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

My last post was written in anger, but this post will be written with the strength that I have received from the people around me this week.

This past week was the hardest week of my life. On Friday morning, I was wishing I had never been born.

I have lost almost 20 lbs in the past week and a half. Not good...

I haven't been able to eat or sleep. My stress and anxiety have been through the roof.

I did find out, however, that the raised anxiety and stress levels are from the new meds I was given. Thankfully I went off of them on Wednesday and they are slowly making their way out of my system.

I have had the honor to get to know a person over the past few months. Even though we've never met in person, I consider this person to be a very dear friend of mine. She has been so great these past few days during a time that I needed a friend the most. I want to thank her for being such a great person and for being there for me.

I wish I could write more but there is just too much. I am still struggling but I can now see a light at the end of this dark, long, and difficult tunnel.

This week will be good. This week I am going to make sure it is a good week.

Thank you to all who have left comments, who have emailed me, and texted me over this past week. It has helped so much.

*Bee

The Venom Got to Me

2011-01-17T21:57:00.002-07:00

***Read at your own risk***

I just want to say that I love my new teaching job and that it is going very well. I couldn't have asked for a better school, staff team, and community.

But my personal life has been suffering and I've tried so hard this week to hide it from everyone else because I hate being upset. Especially in front of people.

Today was the worst. Horrific. Unthinkable. Screaming. Crying. Pain.

And then...

I come home and find out from a dear friend/reader of my blog that another blogger is taking my thoughts and words from my blog and posting them on hers without my permission and without citing me.

Normally I would act calmly and respectively. Normally I would peacefully work things out. Not today. I just wrote a really nasty comment on there because I was so upset. Not because my friend informed me of it and not necessarily because this blogger had the post. I was upset because this blogger knowingly took something of mine without permission for her own gain. Just like every abuser I've known and heard about. This week has been really tough for me, and this day has been one of the hardest days yet, and I couldn't take it anymore. It's people like her who keep people like me and you from healing properly and completely.

I want to f***ing punch out my walls and tear down everything from the walls, the ground, the roof, the street, I want to kick, scream, bite, punch, cry, slam and jerk every last piece of anything on this earth.

This post isn't doing me justice. I cannot even express how f***ing angry I am right now!

I Love My Job

2011-01-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

I truly and whole-heartedly LOVE my job! I look forward to waking up in the mornings, even though I'm not a morning person. I love my students. I love the school. I love the principal. I love the staff. I love the teachers I work with. I love the programs I have decided to purchase and use in my classroom. I just love it!!

I never thought I would make it to this point. But I did and I feel so incredibly blessed.

I LOVE my job!!!

*Bee

My First Day

2011-01-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe all of the comments and emails I have received from all of you. Thank you so much! It means more than you can imagine. Maybe you can imagine. Anyway, thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I really appreciate it.

My first day of teaching went so well! Things ran so smoothly and I was able to keep my head clear and focused. My students had a great time and I could tell they were learning. I am amazed everyday at how much I love teaching. I'm not a morning person at all, but I am looking forward to waking up early and preparing for my students.

It's funny to go from student teaching to teaching. I compare it to getting your permit to drive a car. When you're learning to drive it's fun and new, but it's also frustrating and annoying because you have the "experienced" adult in the seat next to you telling you a bunch of things that you would rather not hear! But once you get your license, it's such a great feeling! You finally feel like you really can drive and follow the laws and do your own thing.

That's how today felt. I am the one in charge. I am the one making the decisions. I am the one responsible for the students learning. I don't have to constantly ask my mentor teacher for the "right answer". I'm the one who comes up with the right answer. It just felt so great to make a plan and then implement it. It felt so damn good!

Anyway...that's all for now. I'm super exhausted from today. But I'm definitely looking forward to tomorrow. :)

*Bee

Tomorrow Is The Day I Start My Life

2011-01-02T11:37:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day I start my life. Tomorrow I begin my first teaching job. Tomorrow I am in charge of students' learning. Tomorrow I am one step closer to moving out and being fully independent.

I never thought this day would come. I have wanted to become a teacher since I was 4 years old. Everyone Sunday after church, my sisters and I would play School. I was always the teacher. I would teach them what I was currently learning in school - mostly math and spelling since those were my favorite subjects.

I loved school. It was an escape from my abusers, from my house, from my family. I wasn't very good at it because of all the lost time. I didn't know I was losing time when I was younger - all I knew was that I would randomly appear in places and be expected to do work and I would have no clue how to do it. I spent my entire school career in figuring things out on my own.

Tomorrow I start teaching. Wow. Words cannot express how excited I am.

Tomorrow.

*Bee

Invisible To The Human Eye

2010-12-30T21:57:00.003-07:00

Things are just horrible.

I had a minor surgery on Monday morning that I was put under for. It took them 3 hours to get me sedated and then I woke up during the surgery. I freaking WOKE UP in the middle of the procedure.

I was in a total daze but I was feeling huge amounts of pain. I couldn't get myself to make any noises. I ended up having a panic attack and that's when they realized I had woken up.

So I've been in bed the last few days, trying to recover from this traumatic experience.

My T called me this morning. I thought she was returning my calls or my emails, but once the conversation was over I knew she hadn't listened to my voice mails or read my emails. She wants to meet next week... I honestly don't think I'll make it that long without seeing her. It will be over three weeks by then since our last appointment.

My T asked how we were doing and I told her that things were not good at all. We're having trouble coping and surviving right now. She didn't acknowledge it or dismiss it - it was more of a "I'll ask this question to fulfill my counseling duties but I'm not really listening for the answer" type of thing.

My little 7 year old alter is freaking out because she thinks our dad will become abusive again. He has been really angry and upset lately so I don't blame her for thinking this. It is just hard to help her realize that he wouldn't hurt us anymore - at least that's what I'd like to believe.

I just hope I make it until the session.

21 months 1 week 1 day 3 hours...

2010-12-26T13:47:00.006-07:00

It must be the emotional pain eating me up inside that drove me to do this.

I haven't seen my T in two weeks. It's usually okay when I know she is going to be gone but this time she told me she wasn't going anywhere for Christmas. She canceled our last appointment and hasn't called me back to reschedule. Normally I am okay with this since it has only been two weeks, but right now I really need to talk to someone but I have no one to talk to.

My twin sister is getting married 2 1/2 weeks.
I have sexual abuse memories coming up 24/7 - I can't even think straight.
There are several of my abusers coming over to our house randomly "because it's the holiday's" and nobody seems to notice that I'm losing it.

One of my abusers had the audacity to feel me up in my f***ing kitchen with several other people in there.

My nightmares have gotten so bad that I'm waking up screaming many times during the night shaking, sweating, panicking, and praying that I don't go crazy.

My splits are freaking out because there is too much going on for us to handle.

I just need someone to talk to who isn't a family member and who understands how traumatic things are for me right now.

It has been 21 months, 1 week, 1 day, and 3 hours since I last self-harmed/self-injured, until about 15 minutes ago when the emotional pain got to be too much to handle on my own. It's not bad enough for me to go to the ER, but it's bad enough that people are going to notice and I don't want them to.

They don't notice me anyway.

Well Guess What Mom, It's Too Damn Late

2010-12-23T00:57:00.002-07:00

*****TRIGGER WARNING*****

He said he wanted to talk. Just wanted to talk to someone.

What adult wants to talk to a nine year old?

My parents went out to dinner on a Friday night. My uncle was living with us at the time. He fed all six of us dinner, he read us all a story, and then he put the four youngest to bed. My twin sister fell asleep on the couch in the living room.

I was sitting on the couch in the family room and he came in and sat next to me. "Can I trust you with something?" he asked me. He lifted up his pant leg and showed me the black band around his ankle. "I can't leave this house while I have to wear this." He took my hand and touched it to the small black box.

At first he was just rubbing my arm. He told me about how much he missed me while he was in prison. He told me how he couldn't sleep at night. He started to rub my back. He told me about how he wanted to change his life. He told me he wanted to do better. He started to rub my stomach. He told me that he wanted to find someone to love and to marry. He started to gently rub where an uncle should never go with his niece.

I tried to show protest by shrinking away. Then I tried to shift myself away from him. He kept getting closer to me. I tried to get up off of the couch but he pulled me right back down. I started to panic. He put his hand on my cheek and whispered softly into my ear, "it's okay, baby girl." I felt sick to my stomach.

He brushed his hands through my hair for a while, and then tucked me into bed. He stood in the doorway of my room for a long time, watching me.

Every night after that he would come into my room, lie down next to me in my bed, and molest me. At least once a week he would rape me.

Sometimes he would bring a knife and threaten me.

The next time my parents were going to go out to dinner, I begged my mom not to leave. She asked me why and I couldn't tell her. I told her I wanted our babysitter back. I promised I would be so good. My mom told me no. We had a perfectly good babysitter, my uncle. I started to cry and I begged her again, "Mom, please don't go. Don't leave me here." She just shook her head and walked out the door.

Why didn't she question? Why didn't she wonder why I would beg her not to leave me with him?

I tried to tell in the only way I knew how, and somehow it wasn't good enough.

Somehow I wasn't good enough.

This wasn't the first time I was abused and it wasn't the last. I think I hold strong feelings of anger and hurt and betrayal against my mom because she never listened to me. I tried to tell several times before, when I was younger, and several times after, when I was older. She never listened.

Today I have been remembering more things my uncle did to me during this time frame, and my mom noticed how upset I've been. Now she wants to know what's wrong.

Well guess what mom, it's too damn late.

I Don't Know What It's Like To Be Normal

2010-12-21T22:17:00.001-07:00

I don't know what it's like to be "normal".

Sometimes I am very professional.
I say "please" and "thank you" and "bless you".
I dress nicely and comb my hair.
The way I act is conservative.

Sometimes I am like a child.
I color outside the lines and draw childish things.
I wear my hair in pigtails.
The way I act is naive, maybe even immature.

Sometimes I am a bully.
I pick on others who cross my path.
I dress in ripped up jeans and a t-shirt.
I wear my hair in a loose ponytail.
The way I act is mean and grumpy.

Sometimes I am peppy and bubbly.
I speak loudly and energetically.
I wear my hair pulled back in a tight ponytail, with some glitter.
The way I act is outgoing and super friendly.

Sometimes I am withdrawn and shy.
I avoid eye contact and keep to myself.
I wear my hair straight and down in my face.
The way I act is depressed.

Sometimes I am angry and frustrated.
I throw things and cause a scene.
I don't comb my hair or wash it.
The way I act is crazy and destructive.

Sometimes I am quiet and reserved.
I do what is expected and I listen.
I wear my hair pulled back into a bun.
The way I act is *perfect*.

Sometimes I am sarcastic and funny.
I have a comment for everything.
I wear my hair curly and fun.
The way I act is entertaining.

People who know me well have seen all sides of me.
People who don't know me have seen one side of me.

I am all of these things and none of these things.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I don't know what it's like to be "normal",
But I do like being me.

*Bee

Just One More Proof

2010-12-21T00:17:00.020-07:00

My twin sister is getting married in 22 days...

I'm so happy for her and I'm so excited for her!
But at the same time I feel like a huge chunk of me is being ripped out much too quickly...

I've really grown to like my future brother-in-law (Bryan). He is a good match for her and such a great person. What cracks me up is how he tells us apart.

Brooke and I don't think we look alike but everyone else cannot tell us apart for the life of them. So Bryan has this system... When he happens upon one of us and he can't figure out who it is, he comes up to us and says a "command" (like "high-five!" or "knuckles!" or something similar) and he looks to see our facial expressions. If the facial expression is consistent, then it's Brooke. If it's not consistent, then it's me. Funny thing is, he doesn't know I have DID but this little test totally proves that I do!

I'm done rambling now...

If Only You Knew...

2010-12-19T15:57:00.000-07:00

"I can switch bodies with you," I said.
"No you can't," Brooke replied. "It's not possible to switch bodies with someone."
If only you knew, I thought. If only you knew...

When I was younger, I didn't understand what I could do with my mind. I could create whole worlds, new friends, discover faraway places and not so far away places. I could be someone else while they were me. I could hide from the bad, the scary, the horrific, the threatening, the unthinkable. I could see people and talk to them that no one else could. But how do you explain that to somebody?

I tried to explain it to my twin sister when we were 9 years old. I told her that we could switch bodies - that we could really switch places!

She never believed me, though. She thought I was weird and stupid and that I was trying to trick her into believing something not real. I tried to tell Bri and Renee too, but they also thought it was weird. Bri and Renee would play along though, as if they could do it too - they thought it was some kind of game I made up.

It was very difficult to be so smart and be surrounded by people who couldn't do the things you could in your mind. By the time I got to second grade, I pretended to be not so smart. I purposely wrote down the wrong answers or made up random words and spellings of words to sound dumb. I hated that I was so much faster at figuring things out. I was being abused and no one even noticed. If they did, they never said anything.

Sometimes I wish with all of my heart that I could show my mom what it was like to be me growing up. Then she would understand me and believe me. I constantly go over and over in my mind all the thoughts I had as a kid growing up. Things I should have never been thinking about at such a young age. Things I should have never known at such a young age. Things I should have never comprehended as a child.

It honestly baffles me that there are people out there who don't think DID exists.

Can You Say Busy?

2010-12-18T12:17:00.001-07:00

This week has been so crazy busy and full of such great news for me that I'm finding it hard to believe that it is all reality. That all of this good stuff can happen to me in such a short amount of time.

Monday I had a session with T. We (my splits and I) have been really depressed lately because of the types of memories that we have been remembering and we're dealing with the loss of a really close friend. Our T told us that she wants us to consider going back on anti-depressants for a few months so we won't harm ourselves during this hard time. We told her we would think about it and let her know.

Tuesday I went to my newer Dr H. I don't remember if I have talked about her or not on here... so I'll just briefly describe what she does. I first saw her back in October. My T encouraged us to tell Dr H that we have DID. Dr H was a little apprehensive at first. She didn't think she could treat us because she had no idea how to work with someone with DID. We ended up figuring out a way to test each individual split in a short amount of time to see who had which issues. This Dr H is amazing! She totally stepped right up to the challenge and by the end of that first appointment, she believed that we truly have DID because she tested all of them. She knew they were there!

The interesting thing is, I have about 7 different medications for different splits. We grouped them in groups of who has which issues and the meds to treat that issue. We have to take each med separately so the splits can come out and take what they need for their particular issue. For the past two months, I have felt so much better. The meds are working wonders for all of us and I'm excited to keep going to Dr H to get this all resolved.

So on Tuesday we went back for a follow up, check up, and more testing. Dr H was so excited to work with us (because we're now her most interesting patient! haha) and we were able to see how each split was improving. We were prescribed 4 new meds along with what we were on before. It is all working out so great!

Wednesday we went to Dr C who is our new pain specialist. We told him we have DID because this doctor has to know if we have ever been diagnosed with a mental illness/disorder. And guess what? He's worked with patients who had DID! He knows quite a bit about it too, and he is very willing to work with us. He put us on some pain meds, anti-inflammatory meds, and muscle relaxers. Today we're finally feeling some relief. We're so excited!!

Wednesday afternoon I got the call - I GOT THAT TEACHING JOB!! I cannot describe how excited I am! I will be teaching 7th and 8th graders who have special needs. It is my dream job and not only did I get the job, but I start right away in January!

Thursday I spent the day at the school with the teacher I will be taking over for in January. Things should go very smoothly through the transition.

That night my mom threw me a graduation party. It was nice to have friends and family there supporting me. Most of them were able to attend the graduation right after the party. Graduation was awesome! I had so much fun with my teacher friends who graduated with me.

Friday I went back to the school and got some last minute things from the teacher. I feel prepared to take over the class and very little nervousness has settled in. I hope it stays away! :)

I am so blessed and I am so thankful for all of these new opportunities to have a better life. I have two wonderful doctors who are willing to work with me and treat me with the up-most care and respect. I have a T who has stepped up in the last few months to help me through this difficult time of year. I have an amazing twin sister who has been so supportive. I have amazing readers and friends through this small DID world that offer comments of encouragement, sympathy, hugs, positive and uplifting notes, advice, and overall genuine care.

I really want to make the best of all of this. Next step, get ready to set up my new classroom!

*Bee

Don't Tell

2010-12-13T21:27:00.001-07:00

She didn't cry or make a sound,
Nobody would have heard her.
It buries itself deep inside,
No spoken words to give her.

They didn't know, they couldn't tell.
There was no sign or hint or yell.
But deep within her was a line:
Don't tell, don't tell, don't tell.

You Still Cause Me Pain

2010-12-12T00:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how many countless times I have told my mom that I cannot be around my abusers. I feel like she never listens to me when I am talking.

One of my abusers will be coming over for dinner tomorrow. AGAIN.

I can't take this sh*t anymore!

Is my mom really that dense? Does she sit around all day trying to come up with ways to make me feel absolutely horrible? To make me have panic attacks or horrible flashbacks or body memories? Does it make her feel better? Or does she want to see if I'm really telling the truth, by exposing my abusers to me to see how I will react?

There are so many things I could type out right now to just let out how I really feel about my parents right now but I hate reading cuss words when I don't have to so I'm not going to make other people read them. But know I am thinking them. A whole big long gigantic stream of ugly words to describe what I am feeling right now towards my mom.

I wish my mom knew what she is truly doing to me every time she invites an abuser over. I wish she knew how much I hate her even more every time she does it. I wish she knew the pain she causes me, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I can't keep doing this. I need to get out of this house, out of this town, out of this state.

Mom, why do you still cause me pain?

Tough Times

2010-12-06T22:27:00.000-07:00

I know I am not the only one who has a tough time with this time of year, but this year seems to be the worst of them all. I wish I was able to put in words how I am feeling, but it is too raw right now. Maybe, I'm hoping, I will be able to write about it soon.

Some good news...
I have 4 days left of student teaching!
I graduate from college next week!
I have gotten 3 job offers to teach so far!

Even in tough times, some positive is bound to leak through.

It Floods In And Drowns Me

2010-12-05T12:27:00.001-07:00

Memory after

memory after

memory after

memory floods

my inner self,

makes me feel

makes me numb

makes me want

makes me hate

myself.

I don't know

I do know

I can't tell

I won't tell

I have to

I'm scared.

Say no, say

something,

anything, to

make it

STOP.

Dreaming the Nightmare I Wish Away

2010-11-28T13:27:00.001-07:00

I am in my home. It is not my real home but my family is there and so is all of our stuff, so I assume it is home. My dad is arranging for all of us to make a trip to the prison, where three of my abusers are currently.

At first I am my present age of 22, but then I find myself going back to that scary place when I am a small girl. My dad is taking me to the prison to visit those three abusers.

I cannot speak, my throat is dry. There is panic flooding my entire body. I can't feel my legs.

We are in the waiting room. They call our names. The door opens to the visiting area and I am pushed through.

Fear has encompassed my entire being. I'm trying desperately to disappear. I can't face these men who hurt me so badly.

My insides are screaming but on the outside I am silent. The police officer leads me to a concrete room and closes the door behind me. From the corner, the three abusers emerge. I cannot breathe, I am so scared.

And then I wake up.

Can You Hear Me?

2010-11-23T21:27:00.000-07:00

This is how the conversation with my mom went today...

(*We were discussing what to do about our little family trip this weekend for Thanksgiving. One of my abusers was invited by my parents to come with us for the three days.)

Me: I can't be around [abuser] anymore. It really stresses me out and it's very triggering.
Mom: We can't just tell her no. She is family. We're her only family left.
Me: Then I can't go with you guys.
Mom: You need to forgive [abuser] and come with us.
Me: I have forgiven [abuser]. But just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you should be around them.
Mom: You can be around [abuser] for three days.
Me: No, mom, I can't.
Mom: It's not always about you, Bee. Think of how [abuser] would feel all alone on Thanksgiving.
Me: Mom, I know you mean well but I can NOT go if [abuser] will be there. End of story.
Mom: You need to think of other people, not yourself.

And that's how it ended.

The abuser who was over at our house for dinner last week on Sunday was also over for dinner on Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and today (Tuesday). Why the H*LL is she over ALL THE TIME now?!?!

I honestly don't think anyone in my family takes me seriously except for Brooke and Bri. I swear, no matter how many times I ask my mom to please stop inviting this abuser over, she still invites her. And on the off-chance that my mom doesn't invite her over, my dad does - without telling anybody.

To make things worse, this abuser has been invited to our big family get-together this weekend for Thanksgiving. Three whole f***ing days with this abuser staying in the same house as me. Forget sleeping, eating, and breathing. I'm going to be too focused on not having a full blown panic attack.

I cannot wait until I move out of this house.

And my T wonders why we don't progress in therapy. I'm not only living with an abuser, but I have to constantly see some of my other abusers on a regular basis.

I am seriously fed up with this crap.

One Big Hurricane, Not Waves...

2010-11-15T18:37:00.003-07:00

For the past 5 days I have been having memory after memory after memory after memory hit me. Most of them I did not remember but I just know that they happened.

Is it possible to know they happened but not remember them until now?

I was supposed to have a session with my T today but once again she called and canceled. She is supposedly sick, which I get, but I really needed to see her today. These memories are killing me. And to top it all off, one of my abusers was over for dinner last night (see last post).

It was a really tough day at school. Both my mentor teacher and I were beat by 10am.

I feel very disconnected and dissociative today. I'm sorry if my thoughts are scattered and confusing...

I want to cry but I can't. I never cry.

I guess all those years of making myself not cry has made it so it is impossible to do so now.

It Just...Hurts

2010-11-14T23:07:00.001-07:00

I've been having a really rough time these past couple of months. Depression is hitting us like a ton of bricks. Pain levels are sky rocketing. I've been going to doctor's left and right. One wants to send me to a pain specialist. Another is contemplating surgery. They want to put me in braces. Why can't they just wrap me up in bubble wrap and send me on my way?

One of my abusers was over for dinner tonight. We kept having to leave the room to either throw up or cry because the abuser was so triggering. This particular abuser really makes me ill. They pretend like nothing is wrong - that their life is peachy perfect. That they "never did anything wrong". I think that is what makes them extra triggering.

You know why this abuser was over for dinner? Because my parents feel sorry for this person. ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME??!?!!?! Who the h*ll feels sorry for someone who f***ing abused their child! And not just once, several times over a period of 16 years!

I'm sorry, but that is just messed up.

It doesn't matter that I'm 22. My parents still won't listen to me. I tried to tell them back then, too. But they don't listen. They never listen.

Getting to Know "ME"

2010-11-06T12:27:00.005-07:00

It has been an interesting couple of weeks regarding therapy.

For those of you who don't know, Oprah did a show back in the first week of October (I think around October 6th) on DID. She had a woman with DID on there and her daughter. They filmed her in a therapy session as different alters came out, and they also filmed her around her house and with her art. It was a very interesting show and I wish there was some way to get a copy of it.

Anyway, I bring that up because my T thought it would be a good idea to have my mom and I come to a session with T and watch this episode. We ended up doing this a little less than two weeks ago and it went surprisingly well. I think it overwhelmed my mom a little because she didn't ask me very many questions (and she usually asks A TON!).

At my next session with T, we talked about how that woman's personalities all knew the daughter and had relationships with her. My T suggested that I try doing that with my mom and my five sisters.

To be honest, I am scared to try this. There are several reasons why, but if I were to type them out then this post would be forever long and I don't want to make you read that much. So, a shortened version will have to do.

1. I'm afraid I will be out far less than I am now.
2. I'm afraid we will lose communication with each other, causing chaos.
3. I'm afraid of losing what little relationships I already have with my sisters.
4. I'm afraid they won't accept some of my splits.
5. I'm afraid that we will all become so individual from each other that we'll forget about each other again.

There are more, but those are my main concerns.

However, on the positive side I also see many benefits.

1. My sisters will get to know all of me, not just parts of me.
2. They will be able to identify when I am out, and when my splits are out.
3. I believe they can add to my healing and my splits healing by forming individual relationships with them.
4. The splits will be able to open up to more people and not just T.
5. We will be able to have a stronger bond as a whole, both inside the system and outside the system.

What I've decided upon with my Splits is that we will take baby steps. We have picked a few of us who will start out by introducing themselves and getting to know my sisters and my mom. The others can acknowledge who they are or can choose not to. We think this will be best to see how things go.

I have been talking to each of my sisters individually about what my T wants us to try and how things will go. I've only talked to three of my sisters and my mom, and all of their reactions were different...

Mom: O.K. Will you tell me who is out? Can you email me every night? Can you write up a list of their names and ages? Can you write up what they like and don't like? ....etc.... You get the picture...

Raena: I've always wanted to get to know them! Can we start now?

Brooke: This will be interesting, but let's give it a try. I already know a couple of them a little bit.

Renee: This is going to be really really hard. I don't want to sound selfish, but it is really hard for me to be around you when you aren't out. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, and I honestly don't want to know. I think this is going to be really hard but I'm willing to try. Maybe it will be better if we do this.

Very different responses but so far no one has objected to giving it a try. I just need to figure out how they can ask who is out or tell who is out without offending anybody. Any suggestions?

This Foreign Place I Cannot Shake

2010-11-06T02:37:00.002-07:00

Where ever I go
I must come back,
To this foreign place
I cannot shake.

I must call it home, now
But it feels so far from it.
When I look around
I feel trapped.

It must be a dream,
It must be a trick,
I don't know who
Would do this.

I want to leave,
I have to stay
In this foreign place
I cannot shake.

*Bee

I'm Back!

2010-11-04T22:27:00.000-07:00

It has been quite a month.

I've moved.
My first 8-week student teaching placement ended.
I started my second 8-week student teaching placement.
I've been helping my twin sister, Brooke, plan her wedding.
I have been applying to several school districts around the state, hoping to find a job for January.
I found out that two of my best friends might be moving out of the state - one to UT, one to CO.
My sister Bri has a boyfriend.
My sister Renee has a boyfriend.
I've been able to work through several very disturbing and horrible memories.

I have been so extremely busy that I am glad I took the month off from blogging, even though I missed it terribly and there were so many times I wished to write down my thoughts and share them. But I stuck to my promise to not blog for a month and looking back, I know it was worth it. I am, however, very glad to be back!

*Bee

For a Short While...

2010-10-04T22:27:00.001-07:00

I have to give up blogging for now...hopefully not for too long. Right now it is looking like I will need to be gone for a month. During this time, I will not be blogging. I do hope to be reading what you are writing, though.

This has been a really hard decision for me... This world has become a big part of my life and I am going to miss it - probably more than I know. I will be checking my e-mail regularly, however, so if you wish to keep in contact please do!

But for now...I must say goodbye....for a short while.

*Bee

If guys were like girls...

2010-10-02T23:17:00.007-07:00

Just a little something funny my sister showed me earlier today...

It Hurts Too Much...

2010-09-27T21:07:00.002-07:00

***Possibly Triggering***Possibly Triggering***

Eating is like a punishment.

Abuse I get at least three times a day.

No matter what I eat, it hurts like hell. I'm literally putting myself through hell because I have to eat to live.

I'm doing all I can to not be in so much pain but it doesn't matter. It always hurts like hell. I'm always sick. I'm always in pain. I'm always fighting this losing battle.

And when I don't eat, I finally start to feel better but then my body thinks I'm starving myself and it ends up making it worse when I do start eating again.

I can't handle this anymore.

It's too much!

It hurts too much....

*Bee

It's Like...

2010-09-22T19:17:00.004-07:00

It's like grading your fingers like cheese.

It's like sticking bamboo shafts in your eye sockets.

It's like cramming 100 different radio stations in your head at once - all on the same volume LOUD.

It's like feeling too much pain and not enough pain.

It's like falling down a 30+ story building with nothing soft to land on.

It's like screaming to be heard but all that comes out is a faint whisper.

It's like appearing to be okay when internally you're clearly not.

It's like wanting water but all you get is ice.

It's like trying to describe what salt tastes like but all you can do is compare it to something that is not like it at all.

*will add more later

10 Signs You're Dealing with a Sociopath

2010-09-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

I received an e-mail today asking me to share this article 10 Signs You are Dealing with a Sociopath. It definitely describes a couple of my abusers...

Unsolvable

2010-09-21T16:57:00.002-07:00

"It's a mysterious sort of pride in being unsolvable."

My sister Brooke said this to me the other day and I have been thinking about it ever since.

I have DID. Sometimes it can be a blessing, and sometimes it can be h*ll. But despite all the crap I have to put up with now regarding DID, I am glad I have it. Not only because it helped me survive through horrific abuse but because it makes me unique. You have to be pretty d*mn smart to have DID, and knowing that makes me feel incredible.

Every session with my T, I feel like we are piecing together a puzzle. Every day is challenging, in both good ways and bad. But I like the challenge. I love solving things. I love trying to shift things around until they are perfect. I love figuring out how to make things better for me.

With that said, because I like most of my life to be challenging, I find it very unsatisfying when something comes too easily or someone figures out what is wrong with me too quickly. It's almost like a huge disappointment because it wasn't more challenging.

Anyway...enough rambling from me. I just wanted to share this quote because I love it so much!

I love being unsolvable!

*Bee

It's A Miracle

2010-09-18T15:37:00.001-07:00

It's a miracle I'm even here - out right now. I was gone for a few days, maybe a week? I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm back and I don't want to be.

Why? I'm depressed - like deep, dark, down in the dirt depressed. I'm upset. I'm crying all the time. I don't know where I am half the time. Reality is so disjointed that I keep getting really dizzy and my internal reality seems foreign and far away. I'm in this really weird "between place" that I don't know how to get out of.

We've found two therapists close to my house. One has had 3 DID patients in the past (I don't know if she has any currently because she can't tell me that...). I am going in on Tuesday to interview her. We'll see how that goes... The other therapist has years and years of experience with trauma and PTSD. I don't know if she has experience with DID or dissociation but she was highly recommended from the coordinator I talked to and he said she would know how to help me. I haven't talked to that therapist at all yet, just researched her online. I'm hoping to get in touch with her this week to schedule an interview appointment.

I am severely struggling with this. I don't want to switch therapists. I like mine way too much and I am really scared to see how my splits will react. I know some of them will give me hell and I can't deal with that right now. I just want to get through my student teaching!

On a funnier note, I've been filling out paperwork for the different therapists and I keep running across the question that says, "Please mark/check all that apply: What feelings and thoughts have you had in the past week?" Below it lists several feelings and thoughts that would be interesting to the therapist. I however don't know if I should just put my feelings and thoughts down? Or include everybody's? After starring at it for over 10 minutes, I moved on and left it blank. What do you do when you're asked that question?

I also wanted to know what are some key things I should ask these new therapists when I'm interviewing them? I only have about 30 minutes with the first one so I don't want to waste my time with a bunch of nonsense questions.

*Bee

Bee is Gone

2010-09-14T21:17:00.000-07:00

Hi guys. We wanted to inform you that Bee has disappeared, most likely to be gone until November. If you aren't sure what we mean by that you can read this post.

We will still be reading your blogs just as we always do but we may not post comments just depending on the situation. We don't like to do too much while Bee is gone in that regard.

We are still researching therapists. So far we haven't had much luck, save it be the therapist we found whose office is about 15 - 20 minutes from our house. We still have yet to talk to her on the phone or in person. We don't have high hopes for her, since some of the things she has told us already don't quite sit right with most of us.

We will post occasionally while Bee is gone depending on what is going on. Suggestions are highly welcome as to how to bring her back. As of now we have no idea where she is.

~The Beehive

Wednesday Session

2010-09-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

I still cannot believe what transpired yesterday in my session with my T.

I went to the appointment, talked with her a little before we started, sat where I normally sat - all the usual things. Then my T sat down right in front of me and said, "I need to tell you something, but I don't want you to be offended or to take this the wrong way."

Me: "Okay."

T: "Lately I feel like I haven't been doing enough for you. I feel like we have made no progress, or very little progress lately. With my other clients who do not have DID, I always know what to do next to progress so we are always working towards something. But with you, I have a hard time always knowing where to go next, because I'm dealing with 23 different people versus just one person."

Me: *trying so hard not to smile*

T: "I'm just.... so frustrated! I've been wracking my brain all week trying to figure out what to do. I've thought about helping you find a new therapist, but then I thought if you went to a new therapist then we would have to transfer everything over and make sure they understand where you are at and then they have to get to know you and the splits and that could take 6 - 12 months or more. That wouldn't be helping you progress either."

Me: *still trying so hard not to smile*

T: "I would even be very willing to meet with the new therapist and help her get started with you, but as I thought more about it I just don't know if that would be good for you. Obviously it would depend on the therapist. And then the thought came to me, what if I start meeting with the individual splits one by one and work with them to work through their stuff. That would be making progress. What do you think?

Me: *me thinking - I've wanted to try this all along!* "I think that would be very beneficial to me and the splits."

T: "The only thing is, it would be like seeing one person only twice a year."

Me: "I think we could make it work."

I'm not going to put the rest of the conversation, but basically she brought up ALL the concerns and more that I have been having for the past several months. And guess what? I didn't have to bring up anything at all!! I really feel that now we can start working toward something. We spent most of the session talking about what we can do to start working on progressing. Next week we will try one of the things we came up with.

Something that really made me feel special was the fact that she not only remembered that I disappear this time every year (and have an extremely hard time in general during these next couple of months), but she is having me e-mail her daily. I have to let her know who has been out and what emotions I am feeling, plus any other information I think is relevant to my triggers. She also wants to call me several times during the week to check up on me and she also told me that if things get really bad I can just call her and she will have me come right over. It doesn't matter what time of day or night, she will be there for me.

Wow. Can you say "I care about you, Bee." ? I definitely feel like my T and I are on the same page now.

I am still researching other therapists just in case, but I really feel like this is a new step towards some great progress and healing.

Update On My Search...

2010-09-07T22:17:00.000-07:00

In my last post I mentioned that I have been searching for a new therapist. I really appreciate all of the comments and e-mails I have gotten regarding this issue. It has really helped me so much.

I got one e-mail reply from a therapist who is pretty close to where I live. She informed me that she has a lot of experience working with dissociation, and a little bit of experience with DID. She said we can talk more about what my needs are and if I feel comfortable she wants to do an interview. I haven't e-mailed her back yet because I'm still thinking about all of this. I'm also hoping for the other two therapist to write me back as well.

I decided to be brave and talk to my sister, Brooke, about all of this. I really wanted to get someone's opinion about it who knows me really well and who knows my t as well. I explained to her the situation - how I really like my t but I feel that I'm not progressing anymore and the things my t has said or done in the past few months. After I explained it all to her, she told me that it would be best if I looked for a new therapist.

I am really struggling with this decision. I am terrified of how my splits will react. I am terrified to talk to my t about all of this. I am terrified of having to leave my comfort zone and go to a new therapist, if I choose to do so. I am just plain terrified.

I am thinking about talking to my friend Rae about it because she knows me very well too. I have a feeling she will also tell me to look for a new therapist but I still want to hear her opinion.

Man, this is just so complicated... I wish I knew what to do...

*Bee

Searching...And Feeling Guilty About It

2010-09-05T15:27:00.001-07:00

Over the past few months I've really been thinking about my current relationship with my T.

I have been seeing her for the past 5 1/2, almost 6, years. She knows me very well, knows most of my family, and knows my splits. She knows my splits better than anyone else ever will, besides me. She has done things for me that I don't think any other therapist every would. She has been my rock, my mentor, and my support. She has done many positive things for me and my system.

But lately I feel as if she can't help me as much. Sometimes she seems distant, other times she seems frustrated. Sometimes she just doesn't know what to do, and it scares me. Sometimes she does things that offend me or my splits, and sometimes she doesn't answer when I call or e-mail - and those are the times I really need her.

I've been struggling with the idea of possibly switching to a new therapist. I have spent countless nights worrying about it and trying to find a solution. I really want to stay with my T, but if there is another therapist out there that can help me, shouldn't I be looking for them?

This weekend I have spent a few hours researching therapists around my area. I have found three that may specialize in DID. Two of the three had a website that said they specialize in dissociative disorders. I e-mailed all three of them so now I'm just waiting for their replies.

This is really upsetting me and my system... But I feel like my T doesn't know how to help me anymore. I just don't have the courage or the guts to tell her all of this.

Our next appointment is on Tuesday. She is going to know something is wrong... and I can't lie to her. But I can't tell her the truth either. I'm not ready to....

*Bee

Opinions Greatly Appreciated

2010-09-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

Your opinions are greatly appreciated on this post. It is okay if you disagree with me, but please tell me why. And if you agree, please tell me why! I want some other opinions/thoughts on this because right now I feel outnumbered and I want some kind of valid reason either way.

For those of you who have been following my blog at least for the past month or two, know about me going to the new therapist and the new t releasing all of my splits. For those who haven't been reading, you can go to this post and catch up.

My t and I have been able to bring the majority of my splits back but now I'm having the issue of all of their emotions. Basically it's a bunch of individuals who have been abused their whole lives who were suddenly released from me with no warning, no permission, no anything whatsoever. Now that they are back, most of them are pretty upset and are trying to adjust back to what they remember as "normal" but they are afraid of being released again.

I tried explaining this to my t and she told me that she understands that the younger alters are upset and having a difficult time, but she believes that the older ones (like 11 years old and older) shouldn't be having a problem with it and should just "get over it and move on".

Now, I have splits who are upset ranging from 5 years old to about 24 years old. If they were separate people, who had their own bodies and who had "normal" singleton lives, I would understand my t saying "get over it and move on." BUT these are my alters, who have seen and experienced horrific things and who were released from their purpose/duty in life - everything they have ever known - without any warning or anything. I think they have a right to be upset and angry and depressed and having an overall hard time with it.

Is that valid? Don't they have that right to be upset and afraid? Even if they are 24 years old?

I think they do have a right to be upset and to be afraid and to be having a hard time. It really bothered me that my t said that the older ones should just "get over it and move on." I'm not okay with that. I feel like she should know and understand how hard it has been for them and for myself. I don't know... Am I totally irrational in my thinking? Or do they have a right to be upset and afraid?

Your opinion is most helpful at this point. It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree, I just want to know what other people think about this....

Disappearing Act

2010-09-01T21:17:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's coming...

Every year sometime in the beginning of September, I disappear. I don't know where I go. For two months I'm just gone. I come back somewhere towards the end of November. Every year without fail I'm just gone. Poof. Bye-bye. One or more of my splits take over for me and my body-life goes on but I am somewhere else.

My t first realized this last year, when I came back in November. My whole life I thought that there were only 10 months in a year. "There's 12?!?!" Yes...yes there is.

So September started today and I'm starting to wonder if I will disappear again. I don't know why I disappear and I don't know what triggers it, but alas...it happens anyway. Sometimes I wish I could find out somehow but part of me is scared to death. I don't know if I want to know. But what if I could prevent myself from disappearing?

I'm not sure what to do about it, except to just let what happens to happen. Maybe this will finally be the year I can actually experience October.

*Bee

What Is Reality?

2010-08-31T22:17:00.001-07:00

I see you, but no one else can.
I hear you, but no one else will.
I talk to you, but others think I'm crazy.
I know you, but others think you're a lie.

I've really been struggling lately with reality. I don't know if it is from a severe lack of sleep or a severe increase of dissociation. Whenever I talk about my splits (which isn't too often...) I feel like it's a lie - like I'm making them up. Only, I KNOW they are there and I KNOW they are very real. It's a horrible feeling, though, to feel like I'm lying.

My T called me on Sunday, apologizing for forgetting about our session on Thursday. She told me that she was coming home early from her trip and that she would meet with me Monday (yesterday). So after I got done at the school yesterday, I drove down there.

Our session wasn't normal though... I mean, we met in the same place and sat in the same spots we always do, but something was just off. I don't know if I was having trouble communicating things to her or if she just wasn't understanding what I was saying. Either way, there was a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding going on. By the end, I felt like we didn't get anything accomplished. But then again, it could be because I'm really struggling with reality right now.

Student teaching is going better than I ever dreamed it would. I love teaching and I love the students I am working with. I feel very accepted and comfortable there and I'm just happy. I'm actually excited to get up every morning - it gives me something to look forward to. It does wear me out, however, and by the time I get home I am so dead tired that I hardly do anything productive. My pain has also been pretty severe. I've learned how to survive through it and tolerate it while at school, and then once I get home I just cry it off. I down pain killers and hope the pain will subside.

Enough rambling... I better get to sleep (or to bed, since I don't sleep) so I can be refreshed for the school day tomorrow. I hope you all had a good start to your week!

*Bee

Stood Up...

2010-08-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

This week has been long...

Student teaching has its great days, and then not so great days. Luckily three out of the five this week were great. The other two... well... they could have been better.

I love my placement; I love (most) of the kids I work with and I am in a really good rhythm there. But those of you who have been following my blog know that I'm in a tough mental state right now, what with the releasing of my splits and all.

I do have 23 of them here with me now, so that has been good for me. I had a big meeting with everyone on Saturday and again on Sunday and things started to get better. But then I got so busy once the school week started, that I haven't had any time to myself, no meetings with the splits, and no down time whatsoever. I'm up at 5am and I'm constantly going going going until 9:30pm - 10pm at night. It's just hectic.

I have been telling my family each day that I have to have alone time or else I will crash. I cannot keep going like this without my time to myself. I just can't function without that time. And this week it was nonexistent.

So I was really looking forward to meeting with my T on Thursday afternoon - our new session time because that's the only day and time our schedules align with each other. Well, I drive the 20-25 minutes out there. I'm already a little bit late because I left the school later than normal, so I waited around about 5 - 10 minutes. I thought it was weird that she still wasn't there so I called her cell phone.

She picks up and says, "Bee? What's going on?"

"Oh nothing, I was just wondering where you are."

(T) "You were? Why?"

(Me) "Well, aren't we meeting today?"

(T) *audible gasp* "Oh my gosh I completely forgot to call you! I'm in California right now, visiting a friend."

(Me) "Oh..."

(T) "Don't we meet on Fridays?"

(Me) *slight pause* "No... we meet on Thursdays."

(T) "Wow I am so sorry. Let's reschedule for next Wednesday."

Next Wednesday?!?!? I don't think I will make it to Wednesday. Of course I didn't tell her that. I switched and someone told her it was okay that she forgot to call and that we would see her Wednesday.

Most of you - if not all of you - know that when your T leaves, it is expected of them to at least give you some kind of notice. Especially when your patient/client has DID. Some of my splits are really upset because my T didn't inform us of her trip. We didn't need to know where she was going, just that she would be gone. But we were all so focused on "make it to Thursday, make it to Thursday" that when Thursday came and we didn't see her, we fell apart. Today was really rough for everyone, including me.

And to make matters worse...
I had a doctors appointment on Monday. I'm really close with this doctor and she listens to me when she's checking up on me and making sure I'm not going to collapse from lack of food. I call her my "pseudo therapist". She knows about my abuse history and about my DID. But when I went to her office on Monday, I waited about 30 minutes in the waiting room. Then a nurse came out and told me that my doctor was sick and we would need to reschedule the appointment. I was a little irritated that they made me wait but nonetheless, I made an appointment for Friday (today) and went home.

I show up today, and I wait for 45 minutes. I ended up having to leave because I had to go to a seminar for student teaching, so I didn't get in to see her AGAIN. We rescheduled for Tuesday.

I feel so unimportant this week. Like someone to be thrown under the rug when things get too busy or there's not enough time. I really needed someone to be there for me this week and I just haven't gotten that... Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm needy, maybe I'm just overreacting... I don't know. But I feel awful and left behind and lost.

I just wanted someone to care, at least a little.

Acceptance, Teaching, Recovering, Moving, & Such

2010-08-23T21:47:00.001-07:00

Sooo much has happened in the past week.

I have been sicker than a dog. I have only been able to eat rice - breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Rice rice rice. Nothing else. Just rice. Get the picture? I thought so...

Student teaching is going wonderfully! I am now teaching two class periods starting today and it has been going great! I just love the students I have and everything seems to come so easily and naturally. I do not get nervous at all and everything I say is clear and easy to understand. All the kids love coming to me for anything - school or personal. I feel like I am finally in the right place.

Since going to the evil new therapist who killed me mentally, I have been struggling with communicating with my splits. On Thursday night I had a session with my T and we brought back some more of my splits. I know have 23 total, and I think that's where it will stay - at least for a while.

On Saturday morning I held a big meeting with my splits that lasted about 3 or 4 hours. We talked everything through, set up new assignments, paired up buddies, assigned numbers and letters, made an internal schedule and a drafted external schedule. Every day we have at least one meeting (most of the time it is more like 2 - 5) a day. That has worked so well! I'm finally starting to feel like I'm getting some of my knowledge and things back mentally.

My title is not in the order of my post, which I should probably change it but most likely won't. After seeing the new therapist, my mom and I became closer than we have ever been. Because of this, my family (parents and sisters) have been much more accepting of my DID diagnosis. They are now FINALLY starting to realize why I am the way I am, why I do certain things, why I'm not always aware or present. Some of them have even picked up on my switching at times. It is more openly discussed in our house now and I feel much more comfortable about it.

My mom seems to be more aware of how my splits react to things - especially changes. On Sunday my mom pulled me aside and told me that we are definitely moving. Someone made an offer on our house and we are waiting to be approved. My mom knows how upset my splits can get about any big changes, like moving, and she was very kind enough to let me know before she told the rest of my sisters. Because of that, my splits are not as freaked out as they would have been. It's really nice to finally be able to be treated right.

My sister Brooke (twin) and I have been spending so much time together lately. Since our birthday was on Wednesday and I was student teaching and she was working, we decided to postpone our birthday celebrations to Saturday. We went out to lunch at Panda Express, our favorite fast-food place, then we went clothes shopping at all our favorite stores. We went and got our hair done - I needed new highlights and she wanted to get her's cut. Then we went out to dinner at PF Chengs - our FAVORITE restaurant. After dinner we went and saw Inception. I LOVED it! Soooo good! And then we drove to our favorite park down by our old house and swung on the swings for a while and just talked. It was probably one of my favorite birthdays :)

To follow up on Caly... I finally e-mailed her back. I just said "It went both ways but consider the hatchet buried." She replied a couple hours later and said "This was something I knew that needed to be done." I waited a day and then replied, "So...what now?" Her reply, "I haven't the foggiest." That's where we are now. I haven't replied back to her yet...

Wow this post ended up way longer than I thought it would... I hope you all have had a good start to your week!

*Bee

What Is Truly Fragmented?

2010-08-19T21:27:00.002-07:00

Is your mind fragmented or is your spirit/soul fragmented?

This is the question I ask myself everyday since I found out what my diagnosis of DID meant. What is truly fragmented?

My T and I talked about this question in our session today. My T thinks it is just my mind that is fragmented and that my spirit/soul is whole - that I should always search to find my spirit/soul so I can find wholeness in my fragmented life and heal. I think that is a wonderful idea, really, but I don't know if I totally think that way. Sometimes I really wonder if it is my spirit/soul that is fragmented...

I don't know if I will ever find the answer to this question but I do want to know what other people think about this. What is truly fragmented?

Happy Birthday to Us!

2010-08-18T05:57:00.003-07:00

Today is my birthday :) and Brooke's too, of course.

I'm doing better than I was on Sunday. I want to thank everyone so much for the comments and emails from the past couple of days. It really means a lot and I'm so glad I have such amazing people who read my blog.

I've been in a lot of physical pain over the past few days - mostly severe stomach pain and TMJ pain - but I've still gone student teaching despite the fact that I feel like my insides are gonna kill me! I do enjoy teaching, though, and working with the students so it hasn't been so bad. It has actually gone rather well the past two days. I finally feel like I'm part of the classroom and the routine and I am much more confident in what I am doing and what I will be doing. Today will be Day 6 of student teaching so I feel like I'm doing well so far!

I never did get a hold of my T. I have left a couple of voice-mails, so she is either sick, out of town, or her husband was off work. It's fine, I guess. I don't expect her to always be there for me. It would just be nice to have someone I could always count on, but that would mean we live in a perfect world. And the fact that I have DID proves that this world is far from perfect.

Well I better get ready to go to the school! I hope you all have a fabulous day and I will update you on what my birthday plans end up being :)

We're 22 today!

Almost to the Breaking Point

2010-08-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

I'm almost there... you know... to the Breaking Point.

I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like everything is lost and confusing and unbearably hard.

I feel depressed and alone and scared. I feel like things are impossible.

But tomorrow I have to put on the "I'm okay" mask. I have to be confident, secure, and happy. I have to be brave, courageous, understanding, and hopeful. I have to be a leader, a friend, a helping hand. I have to be okay, even when underneath it feels like I will fall to pieces at any moment.

And somehow I will do it.

But right now I'm standing at the bottom of Mt. Everest with no climbing gear in hand, and I'm expected to reach the top.

The Tears Won't Come

2010-08-14T21:47:00.003-07:00

It's like I'm not living.

My mind is blurry, I cannot think.

It is as though I am drifting off to find a better place.

I really need to see my T. Lately she has gotten more patients/clients so she can't see me as often and I'm starting to feel the effects of it. After losing most of my splits, I have not done well at all. I never wanted to integrate in the first place, so releasing them was the worst possible thing to happen.

As I go longer and longer without my other splits, I find myself struggling to function. I am trying so hard to appear "normal" but it's just too hard. Something is really wrong in my mind and I need my splits back - all of them.

I'm so afraid of the damage this release has caused. I can't believe I actually trusted this other therapist. I never let my guard down. I never trust until I have known a person a long time. What the h*ll was I thinking?!?!

I'm tempted to call my T... I keep losing major gaps of time. I know the littles who are left are so depressed and distraught that it is making it even more difficult for me to function.

These past two weeks have been horrible and I just want to go back in time and tell myself not to go to that new therapist. She really messed up my mind, my system, my life. I want to cry but I can't. The tears won't come...

Student Teaching

2010-08-12T19:27:00.001-07:00

Well I started student teaching yesterday!

My first day went very well - I was not nervous at all! I observed for pretty much the entire school day and I helped my mentor teacher prepare things before and after school. I got to know most of the other teachers I will be working with over the next few weeks and see what goes on during the school day.

Today was my second day and it also went very well! I observed again (I have to get so many observation hours to meet my requirements) so I was getting a little weary by the middle of the day. I really just want to start teaching! I start taking over one period (7th grade math) on Monday so that is exciting!

To update from the last post... I still have not responded to Caly's e-mail. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do. I need to figure out what will be best for me, especially since her e-mail was a huge trigger and I'm still not quite over it. I'm thinking once I calm down I will be able to think more clearly about it. Plus I want to discuss it with my T when I meet with her next. I guess we'll just see how it turns out...

My sister Brooke (the engaged one, a.k.a. my twin sister) is heavy into the wedding plans. Since I will be her maid of honor, she has been asking me all kinds of questions that I really don't know the answers to! Oh well... I still love her :) It will be weird to have her move out. I'm so used to her being right down the hall...

I find that the busier I am, the better my splits and I do as a whole. I find that while I have been observing in the classroom the past two days, I have trouble focusing, concentrating, answering questions, quick thinking, etc. But as soon as I jump in to help a student or talk to the teachers, I find myself able to focus and just do better mentally over all. So I'm hoping that will also be the case when I start teaching.

Blah... I'm wiped out! I'm hoping I will acquire more energy as the days go on or else I'm going to be spending my weekends sleeping...

I hope you all are having a good week!!

*Bee

Really????

2010-08-09T22:37:00.001-07:00

I'm still processing it.

I don't even know what to say or where to begin.

I can't even remember if I have talked about "her" on this blog.

Today was my session with T. We brought back some more of the splits that were released. I am finally starting to feel more whole and complete - which is totally the opposite of DID but hey, it's my "normal" so go with it.

I was walking to my car after the session and I opened my phone to check my messages. There, sitting in the front of my inbox messages was a message from Caly.

Some background on Caly - we met when I was about 8 and we were friends for 11 years (about 3 - 4 of those years we were best friends). We went to the same elementary, junior high and high school (she was one grade ahead of me). We both ended up going to the same college and in my second semester she asked me to be roommates with her.

Long story short, she emotionally, verbally and sexually abused me the nine months we lived together. I didn't know about the sexual abuse part until a couple of my splits came forward about it a year later. She had an ongoing relationship with one of my splits that I had no idea about. And when I was out she would emotionally and verbally abuse me. It was a horrible situation to be in.

After several of my other friends telling me to move out, I finally found the courage and found a place with my other roommate and we moved out. This PISSED Caly off to no end. She ended our friendship.

Caly told me I had used her and that she had "given me everything" and that I was ungrateful, etc. She never wanted to see me or talk to me again.

That was three years ago.

I have seen her maybe 3 times since then. Twice was to pay for rent, and once at a baby shower of a mutual friend. That's it. No contact, no nothing.

And then I get this e-mail from her today saying "I just want to say that even though you screwed me over repeatedly, I would like to bury the hatchet."

Really, Caly?? Really?? I screwed you over?!?!

And what is with the random e-mail? Is she going through some life changing thing that has made her see that she shouldn't hate people? That she needs to make amends with everyone she's wronged?

I really don't know what to do. I haven't responded yet, and I'm not even sure how I would respond.

I feel like I keep getting thrown these huge life changing things lately... I'm just barely starting to heal from the crazy new therapist releasing most of my splits, and now I have to deal with a past best friend/abuser who apparently wants to make things "all better" between us. And then I start student teaching on Wednesday...

I have been in a weird funk ever since I read the message. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest - almost like what you feel like just before a panic attack, only the panic attack never comes! Ahhhh..... I just want Caly to go away. I was fine not talking to her.

This message has brought up a lot of old memories - most of which I didn't want to relive. She put me in a very dark place and I don't want to go back to that. I don't want her to have control over me anymore. But then I also want there to be some closure between us. I highly doubt I will ever be friends with her again but it would be nice to know that she doesn't hate me anymore - for whatever her reason is.

Blah... What a day... What a week! :/

*Bee

Becoming Closer With My Mom

2010-08-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

There is so much going on with me and my splits, me and my mom, me and my t, and me and my fast-approaching life. There are simply not enough hours in my day to write about it all but I so badly wish to share it with all of you!

For those of you who have been following my blog know that my mom and I do not have a good relationship. My mom never abused me, so that is not the issue with us. It is mostly her misunderstanding of my DID and her wanting me to be "normal" and her denial that anything - relating to abuse - happened to me. But my experience with this new therapist (see last post) has changed our entire relationship.

Since my mom was there in the session with me, my t and the new therapist, she was able to experience a lot of things with me that she has never seen before. My t encouraged me to talk with my mom after this horrible session because she would be the only other person to understand at least a fraction of what I was going through without having to do a bunch of explaining. I was very apprehensive at first because my mom is quick to judge things and I was in no state of mind to take any such thing. But I was brave and decided to try it.

My mom thought that me getting rid of most of my splits (only 6 remaining after the session with new therapist) was a huge step "in the right direction" to being "normal". But after a day without my main splits, I could see that I was going down the wrong path and failing miserably. I needed to bring them back.

I calmly explained this to my mom. I told her that it wasn't going backwards if I brought some - or all - of them back because without them I would not be okay. I would be way worse than not okay. I could see it in her face that she did not like the fact that I would need to bring some (or all) of them back, but I could also see that she was willing to accept it. That is HUGE.

I have been talking with my mom a lot over the past week about how I am doing and what my t and I have figured out since the horrible session with new therapist. It is weird for me to have this connection with my mom. I still feel like I'm telling her lies when it really is all true. I don't know why I feel this way - maybe it's my way of being defensive without showing it on the outside.

But something my mom said to me during one of our conversations really stuck out to me and to be honest, it surprised me. She told me (a little teary-eyed, might I add) "I cannot believe how strong you are. I don't know why you have to go through this but I don't think I could ever deal with what you have to deal with. You are constantly amazing me."

It really touched my heart. I finally feel like she is starting to want to understand what I deal with constantly.

Over the past few days, she has gotten more "gutsy" at asking me questions about my abuse. I have been very vague and most of the time I tell her I don't want to talk about it. She seems to trigger me a lot, unintentionally. It gets me all anxious and worked up. But I kind of hope we do get to a point where I can at least talk about it a little bit with her. I don't want her to know everything - there is no way she could handle it. But I think I do want her to know at least some things.

I finally got brave enough to say I didn't want to see Grandma C anymore. She comes over every Sunday for dinner and I'm sick of hiding from her. I want to be able to be in my own house and not have to worry about running into her or having to see her. My mom talked to my dad and supposedly they are going to work it out with her so she doesn't come over as often and hopefully eventually not at all. I know for a fact that Grandma C will NOT like that. I just hope it all works out...

*Bee

Never Again...

2010-08-05T13:17:00.001-07:00

As promised, here is the story about what happened exactly a week ago...

My t has had me working on focusing on clearing my mind and being in a calm, relaxed state. At first I was doing it when I was alone in my room, and then I moved up to doing it when I was around family or close friends, then I moved up to doing it at different times at work and then finally learning to do it where ever I was. It took LOTS of practice and it was very hard for me at first, because clearing your mind is tough enough, but when there are 35 other people also in your mind, they have to learn too or move out of the way.

Her idea was, that once I mastered clearing my mind and relaxing, she could help me to release some of the heavy emotional baggage that I have been caring for most of my life. We had done this before, back when I was in high school, but we both felt like we needed to do it again.

About two or three weeks ago, my t met with some of her colleagues about releasing emotional stuff and one of them suggested a therapist that does this all the time. She comes highly recommended and she happened to be local - about 45 minutes from where I live.

My t brought it up with me and asked if I would be up for it. T told me she would accompany me and if I wanted, my mom could come as well.

I thought about it for a few days and thought it couldn't hurt. My t would be there so nothing would happen that I was against or was uncomfortable with, and my splits would behave since t would be there. I agreed to try it.

We made the appointment and the morning of, I became extremely nervous and anxious. My whole body was shaking and my splits were in a frenzy. I tried countless times to clear my mind and relax but I just couldn't. I was too freaked out.

My t met with the other t while my mom and I waited in the waiting room. I kept telling myself to take deep breaths but it just wasn't working. We were finally called in.

As soon as I walked into the room, I went into a full-fledged panic. There were three chairs side by side lined up against a wall, and in front of them was a table. Do you understand the need to panic?

My t pulled me aside and said I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to. She reassured me that I was in full control and I had the say. Somehow I agreed to still try it.

The new therapist had me lay on the table on my back with my eyes closed. She read off different emotions and when my facial muscles would move a certain way, she knew that was an emotion I needed to release. She would then have me release it through "touch release" which is basically me putting my first fingers on certain parts of my face and visually seeing it leave my body. It may sound like a total joke but it actually worked. Even my splits were able to release stuff!

For each emotion, there would be different touch points but she never had to touch me because I had to do it.

But then she got to a point and asked me if I was ready to release my alters. I. FREAKED. OUT.

But I felt like I had no control...it was like I was in a trance and I couldn't wake up. This new therapist had me walk through this meadow in my mind and imagine a door off to the side. Then, one by one, most of my splits came to me, said goodbye - some gave words of wisdom or encouragement - and then walked through the door. This went on until I had six left.

The entire time I was bawling my eyes out. I felt like I was losing my best friends. They had been with me for years, some of them my whole life, and they were leaving.

When I finally came out of it, I was devastated. I felt weird - I was really light and my head was so clear and open - but I was severely emotional and I wanted my splits back.

My t and I went to a separate room and she asked me how I was. I didn't know what to say... I felt like a huge chunk of myself and been taken from me. I was distraught.

My t told me to drink lots of water and to call her that night so she could see how I was doing. I went home (good thing my mom had come because there was no way I would have been able to drive) and went straight to bed. I slept for hours and when I woke up, I couldn't handle my emotions.

I was crying so hard, I couldn't breathe. I was rocking back and forth, writhing on my bed. I had never felt such a big loss in my entire life. Once I settled down a little bit, I called my t.

She could tell I was not well. She asked me what I was feeling and I told her I was regretting the whole thing - going to a new therapist, releasing emotions, releasing most of my splits. She told me to go back to sleep and to call her first thing in the morning. I agreed and went back to sleep.

The next morning I was clearly dissociating more than I had ever dissociated. The six splits I had left were severely depressed and couldn't function any better than I could. But somehow when we called t, we told her we were doing better.

Friday was difficult. My mom thought I had had the best experience the day before and was so happy for me. I didn't think I could tell her how bad I was doing.

I floated through most of Friday. My parents took me out to lunch, I went shopping for hours with my mom, then went out to dinner with three of my sisters and then went to a late movie. After the movie (it was about midnight) my friend Rae texted me and asked me how my day was. I lost it... I told her it was awful.

She called and talked to me for a while, but I couldn't explain to her what had happened. She knew about my DID but there was no way I could explain what had happened to me. After we hung up, I went to my room and cried.

All of Saturday I spent trying to solve my Rubik's cube. I spent about 15 hours on that thing and I could not solve it for the life of me. This is not normal, because I can usually solve that thing in under a minute. I called my t and told her something was very wrong. I couldn't read because my dyslexia was so bad. I couldn't do any type of math. I couldn't write my books. I couldn't remember my two youngest sister's names.

My t and I talked through it and we figured out that because the other therapist had released my other splits the way she did, I now did not have access to the things they had. We made an appointment for Monday morning.

I floated through most of Sunday and put on my "happy face" for everyone. Monday finally came and it was time for "couch work".

Something that is interesting that I really want to share with you guys - I could feel some of the splits that had left around me. Almost like they were spirits. What is really interesting, is that my t had some around her too. She told me that all weekend long she kept experiencing teenager emotions and that it had to be from my splits. So basically, my t got a little taste of what it is like to have DID. That is one positive of this experience!

We worked down the list of the splits that had been released and figured out which ones needed to come back. There were 8.

She had me close my eyes and visualize them, and I would tell her where they were at around me. She then had me welcome them back in and slowly all eight made their way back.

After the session things started to get much better. I was gaining things back and I could read, write and do math again. I also remembered the names of people and could function more normally.

Needless to say, I am NEVER going back to that new therapist. She may work wonders for other people but she should not mess with people who have DID. She could have done some serious damage to me.

But as this week has unfolded, I am noticing little things I still cannot do. My t called me this morning and I told her this. She is going to call me back to make another appointment. We agreed that we will need to have all of the splits come back and then we can integrate the ones I no longer need. My T's way of integration has been very successful in the past and I think I should let her do it from now on.

It has been a really tough week for me and I'm so glad it is almost over.

*Bee

***NEXT POST*** Becoming Closer With My Mom (Through This Experience)

My 100th Post!

2010-08-04T22:17:00.001-07:00

This is my 100th post on this blog! I felt like I should do something, since it is the 100th and all...

So I have decided to put ten random facts about me (because 100 is an INSANE amount!).

#1 - I LOVE roller coasters. When I get my own place in the country, I want to design and build a roller coaster in my backyard.

#2 - I love math. Sudoku is a favorite, Rubik's cubes are fun, Hi-Q is amazing. I love doing math problems for fun and math puzzles. I am constantly doing equations in my head pretty much everywhere I go.

#3 - I have an identical twin sister. She does not have DID.

#4 - I have wanted to be a teacher ever since I was about 3 years old. I love doing schoolwork/homework. I love teaching and tutoring kids and classmates.

#5 - I am currently writing a book (actually several, but I'm focusing really hard on one right now). I'm a little nervous to get it published because I don't want people knowing I wrote it, but at the same time I do... It's tough.

#6 - I write my own music on the piano and the violin. I'm working on setting up a few appointments to record some of my favorites to make a CD or two, maybe more.

#7 - I love to go on road-trips by myself or with one other person. When I'm by myself, me and all my splits have a blast! I'm sure many of you know what I mean :)

#8 - I love to take pictures. I have only taken one photography class and it was during my freshman year of high school, so I'm not like amazing at it but I think I'm pretty good. I love to scrapbook and make photo albums too.

#9 - I have never broken a bone. Everyone who knows me thinks this is a miracle, because I am constantly getting hurt somehow. I always have at least one or more bruises on me at all times. (I have one on my arm right now from running into a wall corner. It hurt! Haha)

#10 - Gilmore Girl's is my all time favorite show ever! I have watched all the episodes at least 10 times each or more. I own all the seasons so I am always watching it.

Well that's a little more randomness about me! My next post will be my explanation of what happened last week with the new therapist (that I am NEVER going back to, by the way).

I hope you all are having a great week so far!

*Bee

Wow...

2010-08-02T19:27:00.001-07:00

So last week on Thursday (the 29th) I had a very intense experience. I want to write about it but I feel I still need to process it for a few more days before I really dive into it.

For those of you who may have come to my blog over the past few days might have noticed that my split's names have shrunken and my splits (alters) page is no longer there. This is because another therapist tried a new integration process on me and it ended very badly. Again, I will write about it soon.

Today I met with my T and we were able to bring some of the main splits back, which has been a huge blessing already and it has only been a couple of hours.

I also signed in about 10 minutes ago and saw that my blog background is no longer able to show up, so I have redone my blog. I found some bee stuff and it made me so happy! I hope you all like it too.

*Bee

P.S. Thank you to all of you who have been emailing me over the past few days. It has been a huge blessing and I appreciate it so much.

I Didn't Want Them To Go...

2010-07-31T02:07:00.000-07:00

I can’t find the words to describe this pain. Imagine that the things you love most in this world are taken from you. All you have ever known and loved, just gone. You will never see them again. A huge part of you is gone in a flash and you can’t do anything about it. You can’t bring those things back. You can’t wish them to appear again.

Saying that this is hard is an understatement. I feel like this is a huge mistake. I feel like I have done something very wrong. I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me and I just have to sit back and watch it crumble to nothing. I’m scared out of my mind.

I feel like I have to be strong for the people around me. I can’t let them know how badly this hurts me. I can’t let them see me fall apart. I can’t let them know my pain. I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want them to think I’m not okay.

But I’m not okay. I’m not okay. I can feel myself slipping back. I am so sad and so upset. I am emotionally drained and physically exhausted. I keep trying to find them but they aren’t there. I didn’t want them to go. I didn’t want them to go...

I Didn't Know... I'm So Sorry...

2010-07-24T19:07:00.001-07:00

Last night I was talking to my sister, Renee, after I got home from hanging out with some friends. She came into my room looking concerned – I could tell she had something on her mind that she wanted to tell me.

This is normal. Renee always comes to me whenever she needs to vent about anything, talk to someone who will listen, rant and rave when she’s upset or angry, or just plain ramble on about whatever comes to her mind. I love listening to her because she is so animated and her memory is almost perfect. She remembers every detail and I often wish I could remember things as well as she can.

I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom putting some stuff away in a bin under my bed and she came in and sat down next to me. She started talking about her day and what she’s been up to this past week. Then the conversation took a turn...

I’m used to my sisters asking me if I remember doing certain things. It’s their way of asking me if I was out or not during a certain time, without offending me or causing an upset within my system.

But I didn’t know that they were aware of every time I switch.

Renee began to tell me all the times I have switched when I’ve been around them (my sisters). When one of them notices I am not “out”, they signal to each other so everyone is aware that it isn’t me.

I had no idea.

I had no idea that I switched that much. I had no idea they were all aware of how often I switch. I had no idea how much it affects them daily. I had no idea how long they had been aware of all of this.

I wasn’t sure how to respond at first. Part of me was glad that they could tell when I wasn’t out, because I hate when my splits do things I don’t approve of, etc. But I didn’t know it scared them. I didn’t know it was so hard for them to not see me as often. I didn’t know that it made some of them upset, sometimes to the point of crying, because of things my splits have said or done in their presence. I didn’t know how aware they were of me and my splits.

We talked for three hours about all of this. We came to the conclusion that if one of my splits offends her (or any of my sisters) that she/they should tell me when she/they know I am out, so I can work with the splits on what had happened.

After she left to go to bed, I sat and thought about my mom – how she cannot tell when I switch and how she doesn’t understand my DID. And then there are my five sisters who know every time I switch and who ask me questions daily about DID so they can understand me better. It is such a huge contrast.

I had no idea that they knew… I don’t even know what to do.

Fighting For Myself

2010-07-21T16:27:00.001-07:00

I am very angry at my T. I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because she never calls when she say she will.

Maybe it's because she was supposed to go to the doctor with me and on Friday it will be the 6th week mark of NOT going.

Maybe it's because she keeps leaving me to go out of town and not telling me about it until right before or as she is leaving. (She always let's me know ahead of time when she is going out of town so I can prepare the littles and some of the other alters.)

Maybe it's because she thinks a simple e-mail to me will make things all better between us.

Maybe it's because I am hurting so much right now and really need someone to talk to but she isn't there.

Maybe it's because I feel like she can't help me anymore and it scares me because I don't know where to turn.

Maybe it's because I know how much she cares about me but doesn't seem to really hear me.

Maybe it's because I'm holding back what I should say to her but no matter how hard I try, the words just won't come.

I am so angry with her that if I don't hear back from her or my doctor by Friday morning, then after work I am driving straight to my doctor's office and sitting in the waiting room until she comes out and schedules an appointment to see me. Because I'm f***ing tired of being so sick and having to wait around for my T to be available to go with me! It's been SIX WEEKS! I can't be sick like this any longer. I need to start some kind of treatment so I am able to stand on my own two feet by the time my student teaching starts. And if my T doesn't like the fact that I am going to schedule an appointment that she most likely can't go to then so be it. I can't wait for her any longer. I can't be miserable like this any longer.

Sometimes you just have to start fighting for yourself when no one else will.

Crying, Kicking, Screaming, Punching...

2010-07-20T15:17:00.002-07:00

I don't know what has happened over the past 40 some hours.

I know at least one of my splits took over and ate a bunch of crap I'm allergic to.

So I've been puking my brains out for two days now.

I didn't get to meet with my T on Friday because she decided to stay on vacation. She called me an hour before to cancel. I was not very happy...

She then e-mailed me in the middle of the night last night to tell me that she is leaving again and cannot make it to our appointment this Friday. I am not very happy at all...

Then, of course, I had intense body memories come up all of yesterday afternoon. At first I had no idea what was going on, and then I started receiving the full memory.

I'm not ready to write about it or talk about it yet, but I need to at least say that I had a memory come up. I now know why I cannot sleep on my back without having severe nightmares or panic attacks. No one should f*** a little kid. I am pissed beyond measure.

I would've really liked to have called my T yesterday or this morning, but she is on vacation. So I'm left by myself to float around in this horrifying world, hoping that I don't disappear again. But that sounds like a really good alternative right now.

The Fog Is Taking Over

2010-07-18T19:47:00.002-07:00

I'm sick of this fog.

I can't see, I can't think, I can't sleep. I can't even follow a freaking conversation to save my life. How in the world am I going to student teach in 22 days?!?

I've tried everything to try to ground myself, to clear my mind, to relax. But it's NOT WORKING.

I've never gone this long like this. I've been in this fog since February and it just keeps getting worse.

I keep switching and dissociating all the time - I can't stop it. I don't know why it is even happening so much. I feel like I'm about to break and fall apart.

I really want to be able to do my best during my student teaching. I want to be able to focus, to think, to do. I want to be able to live in the moment without having to worry about disappearing.

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm just going to keep getting worse....and it scares me so bad.

Words Left Unspoken

2010-07-17T19:17:00.002-07:00

I'm lost in a sea of faces, broken lives, fragmented memories.

My body stands still but my mind crashes forward.

The pain is seeping through my pores and out into the world for all to see.

I can't hide it anymore.

I want to cry but the tears won't come.

I need someone to hear my words, the words that have been left unspoken.

But no one is there.

I pray for the strength to get through this pain, this illness, this misery, this constant wave of hurt.

I pray for the comfort to know that I can get through this.

I pray that I will wake up in the morning and be able to do what I need to do.

I look out the window and wonder how such a beautiful world could be filled with such hateful people.

I wonder if I will ever be able to leave these memories behind.

I just have to keep telling myself, "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this..."

07/14/10

2010-07-14T16:17:00.000-07:00

I didn't go to work today, but for good reason! My cousin, who has been gone for two years on a church mission, arrived home today and my whole family went to welcome him home at the airport.

My assignment was to video-tape the whole thing. I captured the moment his mother hugged him for the first time. She was crying and holding tightly to his arm. It almost made me tear up!

We went out to lunch after everyone got in their hugs and hello's. It was so weird to see how much he has grown up and he is so talkative now! He used to be extremely shy and withdrawn. Now he is like a social butterfly.

Brooke had the best time teasing him. He couldn't believe she is getting married! He asked each of us what we have been up to and where we were in school now. He couldn't believe I will be graduating in December. We've all changed so much.

But during all of this happiness, I found myself dissociating - pretty hardcore. No one in the group had abused me, so I didn't have to try to avoid anyone and I didn't feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder why I dissociate when I don't have a "need" to. I found myself missing bits of conversation and having to catch up. I wonder if anyone else had noticed me slipping away?

I know Brooke did. She kept lightly grabbing hold of my arm (she does this when I need help being "grounded" when I don't realize it). It's kinda funny... she gets engaged and then all of a sudden has this need to be close to me.

This whole week has been really off-setting for me. I feel like so much is happening and changing but I can't keep up with it no matter how hard I try.

Are You Watching Me?

2010-07-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

I have this horribly sick feeling that someone has been following me.

This happened to me a couple years back when a past abuser of mine figured out where I had moved to go to college. For two weeks I had this exact same feeling... I felt like I was being stalked. I eventually told my roommate and she suggested we tell her uncle (who was a cop in that town). I ended up being right. He almost grabbed me in the parking lot after one of my night classes.

I really hope I am wrong this time though. I keep thinking I'm having a horrible nightmare but then I realize I'm awake.

Work was okay today. I worked on processing collections for the entire 8 hours. I was dissociating a lot, probably because I'm so freaked out. I'm still training the girl who will kind of take over my place when I leave in 2 weeks. She is a pain to train. She doesn't take any notes at all, so I'm constantly repeating myself. And then when I have her do something after I've taught her and showed her how to do it, she looks at me like I threw her in front of a train.

My boss keeps telling me "I can't believe you're leaving! You're too good... Make sure you train this girl to be YOU!" Hate to break it to you boss, but this girl is nothing like me... She never will be. I actually LIKE my job and this girl clearly hates it. I'm a perfectionist, she is not. I am a huge people-pleaser, and she could care less. This girl will not be able to do what I have done for this company the past year plus.

I'm thinking about calling my T and leaving her a message. She is out of town so she probably won't get back to me until she is home, but I'm hoping it will give me some comfort anyway...

I need to let all of my anxiety and energy build-up out. Maybe I could scream into my pillow for a good long hour or so. Yeah... that sounds good.

-Bee

At A Loss For Words...

2010-07-12T18:47:00.002-07:00

About 57 minutes ago I found out my twin sister is engaged.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. He's a great guy, so that isn't a problem.

I don't even know what to write...

Maybe I should just try again later.

I hope you all had a good Monday!

-Bee

Just When You Think It's Going To Be Okay - Part III

2010-07-11T17:17:00.002-07:00

Well I took my test on Saturday morning. I was so nervous that I felt nauseous when I woke up that morning. I couldn't eat breakfast because I was afraid of losing it.

I got ready and then laid down on the floor, on my back, and just concentrated on my breathing. I had to stay calm and focused. I had to pass this test and I needed full cooperation.

I drove to the testing cite and signed in. I found my two other friends who were meeting me there. We were all going to be taking the same test. I found the classroom I had been assigned to and took my seat.

After the administrator signed us all in, the tests were distributed. I took a deep breath and opened my test booklet. 100 multiple choice questions and 1 essay question.

I started out confident but when I got to the social studies part, I had no clue what the questions were even asking. I had never learned this stuff and I had to resort to guessing. Some of the really smart splits seemed to know what was going on but I didn't have a clue. I finished the multiple choice questions feeling very bad about it. The essay question, however, was a piece of cake.

Three hours after I started, I walked out of the testing cite feeling like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I could finally breathe normally!

Now I really really really want my test results, but I won't get them for another four weeks. I just hope I pass! I don't want to take it again...

Just When You Think It's Going To Be Okay - Part II

2010-07-11T07:07:00.001-07:00

After I found out about M, I was pretty upset. I hid it well while at work and then I left to go to my session with T. It takes me about 55-60 minutes to get to her house from work so it gave me time to breathe and work on clearing my mind.

We started the session and I started to feel really sick and my mind became so foggy. It was hard for me to think or focus on what we were talking about and working on. My stomach was swollen so big it looked like I was pregnant.

I kept trying to pull myself out of the fog but I couldn't and then I started to lose time. I wanted to tell my T that I couldn't control what was happening and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I finally just gave up and let it happen.

After about 30 minutes of this weird state of mind, I was able to ground myself and come back. We started talking about my nightmares from the past week. She read the first two and we were able to talk through them - discussing my fears within them and why I would dream them. But the rest of them really stumped her as to why I would have them. Several of them were memories of ritual abuse, but the others were so random that she didn't know where they would be coming from.

That's when I realized there was a new split - Annie. She is seven years old and sounds like the frog kid from Little Rascals, only girly sounding. T thinks that she was the split who holds onto most of the ritual abuse and that is why I'm having more dreams lately with ritual abuse things in them. I guess it's time to make even more room inside my head for yet another alter. It seems like a lot of them have been popping up over the last few months.

After the session, I started to feel very anxious and nervous because of my big test the next morning. I felt like I hadn't really studied for it, even though there are no study guides for it - just one practice test they provide online. No matter what I did, my mind was racing a mile a second. Not good...

So I decided to ask my dad for a blessing. For those of you who are LDS know how important and comforting and helpful priesthood blessings can be. We believe that blessings come straight from God and can help to heal and give comfort. I have been asking my dad for blessings a lot more recently because I have been so sick and in so much pain. This time would be no exception, but I also wanted to be comforted about my test and my alters to understand how important this test is. The phrase that seems to be in each blessing I have received over the past 2 years is "give her the strength to endure the trials she has been given."

Sometimes I really wonder why I am given strength for my trials instead of being healed. I know I will be stronger for going through these things, but sometimes I am just really tired of being so sick and in pain all the time. But I do feel that strength come to me every time I receive a blessing from my dad and somehow I find myself going a little bit longer with this illness.

~To be continued~

Just When You Think It's Going To Be Okay

2010-07-10T23:57:00.000-07:00

Friday was really rough for me...

The day started out fine. I went to work like I do every morning. We were really busy which was good. But at lunch time I checked my cell phone and there was a text from my mom that said, "please call me when you get a chance."

I hadn't talked to her in a few days and I felt like this was something really important, so I called her right away. She told me that the boy I had been tutoring for the past two years had gotten into drugs and other things and was getting into all kinds of trouble. Let's call him M. I met M and his sister H just before he started 7th grade, and she was about to start 4th grade. Their dad had met my dad at the gym they both worked out at and their dad had mentioned that he needed a nanny/tutor for his two kids. My dad said he had a daughter (me) who would love to do something like that. At the time, I had just moved back in with my parents and I was looking for a job. So this seemed like the perfect opportunity.

I started out by basically babysitting them during the week while their dad worked during the summer since they were out of school. H loved to play games so I taught her a bunch of different card games and how to play Clue really well. M loved anything to do with guns, camping, and fishing, but he also had this secret love for reading. Whenever it was just me and him, I would read to him and he thought it was the greatest thing ever.

When school started, I switched to the role of tutor. I would attend my college classes during the day and do my interning at the elementary school, and then once school was over I would go to their house and tutor them for a few hours. The first year I mostly tutored M because he was having a hard time transitioning from 6th grade to junior high and just lacked motivation to do his homework and studying. We had a great time together and I felt like he was making remarkable progress.

Once the school year was over, I started a new job (the one I have now) and did not babysit them like I had the summer before. But once school started I went back to tutoring M and H. M was doing much better in school at this point and he did not need as much help. H on the other hand was struggling a lot. She had not learned her multiplication facts and still struggled with addition and subtraction. Her dad was really worried that she would be held back. As I worked with her more closely, I started to observe her. At first I suspected she had some kind of dissociative disorder. She wouldn't remember very important things about herself or about her day, and she would refer to herself in third person. After she got really comfortable around me, I started to notice different voices and she had different handwriting's. I began to suspect that she had DID.

After I had come to that conclusion, she went to go live with her mom (their parents are separated) and I didn't see her as much after that. I then just tutored M about twice a week and other days as needed. The second semester of his 8th grade year, I was tutoring about once a week.

I saw M about 3 months ago and he seemed to be doing great. And now I find out he is doing drugs and getting into trouble. According to his dad, it his M's mom's fault (she has some severe mental problems and is very controlling). I believe this is mostly the mom's fault and I wish I could do something for M. He is such a sweet kid and hearing this news is just heartbreaking.

His dad is trying to get sole custody of his two kids so their mom doesn't have all this influence on them and he asked me if I would write him a character reference letter for court. I told him I would definitely do it for him. He is such an awesome dad and I would hate for his kids to lose out on that.

~To be continued~

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly...

2010-07-07T17:47:00.000-07:00

The Good:

I finally finished a huge project at work that I started back in March of this year. I AM DONE!! It was the best feeling ever! They are throwing a party for me either tomorrow or Friday, so I'm excited :)

Also, remember when I had to take two (out of three) really big tests to qualify to be a teacher in this state? Well, I got my scores back for both of them.... and..... I PASSED!! YAY!! I take the third test this Saturday and if I pass it I will be fully qualified after my student teaching is done in December!

The Bad:

My T still hasn't called me... I have e-mailed her a couple of times and I called her once and left a voicemail. She hasn't responded to anything. I know she was out of town this weekend, and I am not sure when she is getting back, so that may be why she hasn't responded yet. But I still feel like I was just dumped along the side of the road...

The UGLY:

I have been having panic attacks all day long for the past two days. Work is almost unbearable with these panic attacks, plus adding on the amount of pain I have been in. I still have not gotten a hold of my other doctor so I've been off all of my medications for about 2 - 3 weeks now. Not good. I'm also having nightmares - they are so bad that I am waking up screaming about every 5 - 10 minutes. And I remember each and every one of them. Practically every detail. I have been writing them down as I have them so I can show them to my T. I think they might be repressed memories. I really hope they aren't because they are horrible...

I am so tired and ready to just take a break from life.

Why Don't You Call?

2010-07-05T00:27:00.002-07:00

I have had a rough couple of days...

I was doing pretty good this past week. I wasn't feeling too sick and work was going good. My T had to change our appointment from our usual Friday afternoons to Thursday afternoon this week so I had to take two days off of work. The session with T this week was really hard and I left feeling completely drained and emotionally unstable. T said she would call me later that evening to make sure I was doing okay.

She never called.

In the back of my mind I knew she wouldn't call. She always tells me she is going to call and she never does. Something comes up with one of her kids or she gets to busy or she gets sick or she falls asleep. Whatever the case may be, she never calls.

But this was one of those times where she really needed to call. I haven't really been out since Thursday. Because when I do come out, I have bizarre hallucinations and horrifying nightmares about being sexually abused again. These hallucinations finally stopped a few hours ago but I still have a feeling that the nightmares will still be here.

I have been so sick since Thursday night too. I've spent the majority of the weekend in bed or lying down. My family went up to our cabin in the mountains this weekend for 4th of July and I didn't even go outside the whole trip. I ended up coming home early today with my sister Bri.

My thoughts feel so scrambled so I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense at all. I just wish T would call me when she says she is going to.

Toy Story

2010-06-28T17:57:00.000-07:00

(As promised, my friend Brynne started her blog this morning. Here is the link.)

Toy Story 3 came out recently and I got to see it twice, with different people both times. When the first Toy Story movie came out in 1995, I had just turned 7 a few months before and was really struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. I did not fit in at school, at church or at home and I felt very abnormal around people in general. My aunt took me to see this movie on a Saturday and the one and only thing I remember is how the movie made me feel. I put myself in Andy's place and all of his toy's were like my alters (although at the time I had NO idea that I had alters) and it made me feel like someone finally understood me. No one else in the movie could see the toys moving except for the other toys and Andy felt a very special connection to them. I fell in love with this movie. When Toy Story 2 came out I was ecstatic. My world was coming back again and I instantly fell in love with this movie as well.

After the second one, I figured they were done making Toy Story movies. I had completely forgotten my special connection to these movies until I heard of the making of a third movie. All of my splits were extremely excited and I couldn't figure out why. I knew I had loved the first two movies as a child but their excitement almost seemed unnecessary. Last Thursday, my grandparents, my cousin H and I all went to go see it after we had gotten off of work. As soon as the toys lit up the screen, I felt that special connection again.

But this movie connected even more so than the first two. Andy was leaving for college. He would be starting a new chapter in his life but he had these old toys lying in his toy-box that he had had since his childhood. It was like me having my splits since childhood. He didn't want to discard them, so he packed them up to be put in the attic. Of course, placing them in a trash-bag made his toys feel like he was just getting rid of them. I felt my heart ache. I would never want to do that to my splits.

I don't want to give the movie away for those of you who want to see it, but the adventures the toys go on in this movie made me think of how my splits would do anything to find their way back to me or to help me. There is a part towards the end where they are in the incinerator - all of them join hands for their final moment together. This part made me think of integration being forced on me. I literally started bawling in the theatre because it was so upsetting to me. I never want to lose my splits that way.

At the end, Andy goes to the little girl's house and he is playing with his toys like old times and everyone is so happy. He then makes the choice to leave them behind with this little girl because he no longer needs them. This part made me think of integration again, only it would be a collective choice between my splits and I. I again started to cry at this part.

This movie really spoke to me, like it always has. I don't know if any of you ever felt a similar connection to these movies, but I sure have! I hope it makes sense why I have such a strong connection...haha. I can see how this post would not make sense at all if you weren't following my thinking...

I hope you all had a good Monday! Go see Toy Story 3 :)

-Bee

Unexpected

2010-06-27T13:37:00.000-07:00

I got a call from my best friend B last night. B was diagnosed with Schizophrenia about 5 years ago, and yesterday she had set up an appointment with her T and a new T to all meet together so she could make the transition to a new therapist. B has struggled with her medications the entire time she has been on them - sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. If she forgets to take them or chooses not to take them, sometimes she does much better and sometimes she does much worse. She never takes her meds when she is pregnant and she usually does pretty well without them. So this appointment was mainly to see what to do about her meds and to meet this new T.

For the past couple of months, her T has been consulting with this new T about a possible misdiagnosis from B's first therapist. Both her current T and her new T believe she has DID, not schizophrenia (B was abused very badly from the time she was born to the time she moved out at 18).

She is in shock. I mean, all this time she has thought that these people she sees and hears are a result of schizophrenia when in fact it is DID. Every time she has tried to explain to me what she experiences over the past 5 years, I always thought it sounded more like me - like DID. But I never knew what to do about it and I figured her doctors knew better than I did. Apparently they didn't.

We talked for about 4 hours last night. I must admit, I am kind of excited to share this with her. I have researched and studied DID non stop for the past 4 1/2 years (ever since I was diagnosed) and I finally get to share it with my best friend to help her through this. I was recommending books I found most helpful and websites I have discovered. I told her she should start up a blog, if she wants to, and be a part of this DID world. Her husband has been so supportive of her and I think he is so awesome. He told me he will be calling me frequently to ask questions and borrow all of my books.

I don't know if it is weird for me to be excited like this, but I am. I feel like B and I can really be there for each other like we have been since the beginning. So I may be posting a link to a future post of mine so you guys can meet her and help her out too.

It is crazy how things can change so drastically... I hope you all had a great weekend!

-Bee

"Was She Ever Different?"

2010-06-23T18:27:00.001-07:00

Lothorien wrote a post today that I want to base my post on.

Whenever my T or one of my doctors or someone else who is aware of my DID asks my mom, "Was Bee ever different when she was younger?", my mom always answers, "She was just my little Bee."

My mom is not very observant. She has her set view of how the world should be and that is how the world appears to her. She is so set on me being "normal" that she tends to view me as "normal" until something goes wrong - which in turn makes her upset because she doesn't understand why. Then there is my dad, who was hardly ever around when I was younger but when he was, he would physically and verbally abuse me. My mom either never noticed this was going on, or made herself believe that it was not going on - because her world had to remain the way she saw it.

I remember sitting on the floor in my kindergarten classroom with my classmates turned towards me. They were laughing at me. I had no memory of what had happened before and I was very confused...

I was holding a piece of chalk, standing in front of the blackboard. My first grade teacher kept saying over and over "what is the answer, Bee?" I had no idea why I was even up there...

I am standing in front of an auditorium full of people. I am clothed in a long dress and bonnet, singing a song I didn't know the words to. My second grade class was performing the play we had practiced all year, but I had no memory of these practices...

My third grade class is sitting in a circle on the floor in the front of our classroom. The teacher is calling on random students to answer multiplication facts. It is my turn and I don't know what "times" means...

I am sitting quietly at my desk doing an assignment when another one of my fourth grade classmates accuses me of stealing her "lucky pen". The teacher searches my desk and finds a pen that I have never seen before...

I could go on but I think I am getting my point across. I do not remember much of my childhood.

When I was four or five years old, I was so scared that I would never know what it was like to be another person. I would only be "me". I would only see out of my body.

One time I was sitting in my family room playing with the FisherPrice Little People. My mom was sitting on the couch next to me. I felt my lips move and someone else's voice leaked out and said a bad word. My mom grabbed my arm and told me to never say it again. But the voice came out a second time and said the bad word. My mom threatened to put soap in my mouth. I tried to tell her that it wasn't me. I wasn't saying the bad word! But the voice came out again to say the bad word. My mom got up to get the soap. I ran to my room and hid under my bed where she couldn't reach me. I stayed there until it got dark. My dad came home. He moved my bed and grabbed me before I could get away. My legs hurt so bad. My mom put soap in my mouth. I didn't understand why I got in trouble for something I didn't do. It wasn't my voice. I didn't even know what the word was. It sounded like a different language.

I learned to pick up on my surroundings within seconds of "waking up" in a place. I didn't know why I couldn't remember things. I didn't know I could walk to get to different places. I was just always there.

I have a twin sister and I used to think we could really "switch places". Now I realize that I would switch with an alter and I would be in my "dome" or "beehive" until we switched back.

I used to think everyone could switch places with the twin inside their head. I used to tell my sisters who they would switch with. They would go along with me but they never understood what I meant. They just thought it was a game I liked to play. Now they realize I really did switch with someone.

I always felt I was very different from everyone else - even Brooke (my twin sister). I learned to read minds - in a sense - very early on so I knew how to be and act around people. I was very numb - I didn't feel anything. I was never happy. I wanted to die at a very young age. I could never cry, even if I got hurt really bad. I would never tell anyone when I was sick because I didn't want anyone to think that I couldn't fight back. I would be gone for days or weeks or months and it would feel like I was only gone for a few minutes. I would find new toys or furniture in the house and not remember when we got them. In school I would either know the answers and not know how I knew them, or I wouldn't know the answers at all and feel like I should know them.

There was always this "buzzing" noise going on inside of my head. Sometimes it would be quieter, like a gentle hum. Sometimes it would be so loud that I would get a migraine and start throwing up.

I was so afraid that I was going to go blind when I was younger that I practiced being blind. I would close my eyes and find my way through the house or outside. I would turn out all the lights and wander around the house until I knew where everything was.

I have never slept very much, even when I was younger. I would lie in bed at night and watch the shadows dancing on my bedroom walls. Sometimes I would lean over the bunk bed I shared with my sister and watch her breathing - just to make sure she was still alive.

Every time I would be in trouble (for something I didn't remember doing) I always knew that timeout wouldn't be very long because I could go inside my dome and play with my friends until one of my parents came to get me.

Every time I looked in the mirror, I didn't recognize who was looking back at me.

I didn't feel like I was real. I felt like I was just floating through this world on my way to another one. I didn't see how everyone else could live just by themselves with no friends around them or inside of them.

Whenever I was scared, I had a place to hide in the dome. Someone was always there to help me out.

The first person I ever met who could switch places with someone inside them was Caly. I had met her when I was 8, but we didn't become friends until I was 15. One night, I told her I could switch with other people and they would be me. She told me she could do it too and she showed me. (At the time, neither of us had any idea that we both had DID. We both just thought we had a bunch of friends that could only talk to us through each others bodies.) It was the first time in my life that I felt understood. We were best friends for 4 years after that.

When I was five or six years old, I remember trying to figure out what "real" was. I didn't feel real, so I wondered if anyone else was real. Since I couldn't feel any emotion or anyone else's emotions, I began to think that no one was real. For a long time I thought that God controlled all these bodies around me with a remote control. I thought I was the only one who could think and move and do things on my own, except that I didn't feel like I always had control. Sometimes I could see and hear things but I wasn't controlling my movements or my thoughts or my actions or my speech.

I could go on and on but this post needs to end at some point. I'm curious to see if other people with DID experience some of the same things?

-Bee

The Outcome

2010-06-21T16:57:00.003-07:00

I want to thank everyone who replied to my last post, whether by comments or e-mail. Both helped me tremendously.

I thought I should first start out by answering questions that I have been asked over the past few days.

1. How do you feel about your doctor, who is not a trained psychotherapist, a DID or trauma specialist, bringing religion into your healing process?
My doctor and I both have the same beliefs and both attend the same church, so for her to bring up religion in my healing process is okay for me. I think it is a good thing when it is used correctly. But because she was forcing me to do something I didn’t want to do, I didn’t like it at all. I also did not like that she assumed what DID was and that my trauma wasn’t “that bad”.

2. Do you believe that your DID can be "cured" by an exorcist?
No, I do not. I believe that evil spirits could be “cast out”, so to speak, but I do not think they can get rid of alters in the same way.

3. Are you comfortable with that?
Not at all. I am not comfortable with going to a person that says they will get rid of all my alters. I do not believe that DID works that way and I think it could do some real damage to a person.

4. Is there a name for [muscle testing]?
I’ve heard it called Muscle Testing, “O” Testing and Theta Healing.

5. How do the alters feel about this?
They are feeling very anxious, scared, being forced into something, frustrated, panicked, etc. What I have figured out over the past couple of years is that they will not do something that they do not want to do. So even if I had gone to the specialist, they wouldn’t have cooperated.

6. What do you think you will do?
I want to talk to my T first to see what she wants me to do. If I do not hear from her before my appointment then I will cancel it.

7. What's the "muscle test" is it like a lie detector thing?
Muscle testing (“O” testing or Theta Healing) is used to identify and use the programs within the subconscious mind that block a person from health. The subconscious mind is your entire body. Trained doctors use the method known as Muscle Testing or Kinesiology that ask the body questions that will be truthfully answered by your subconscious mind.
So how does it work? Whenever you say or think something that resonates as true with your subconscious mind, the electrical and magnetic fields around your body become stronger and it results in the muscles also becoming stronger. If you say or think something that is false, the opposite occurs. So because both the strength of the muscles and the strength of the field are proportionate, you can test the strength of the muscles to determine what is in the subconscious mind.
There are ways to muscle test yourself as well but I have found that it is hard to test yourself when you have DID… My doctor is trained in knowing when the muscle testing is working and when it isn’t so she is able to use other methods when needed.

8. Is your doctor trying to force you to go to this specialist?
She told me that she does not want me to come back in until I have done all the “necessary” sessions with this specialist, so in a way she is forcing me to do this if I want to seek further treatment from her.

9. Does your doctor use “muscle testing” for other things?
She uses it to see if my body can handle certain medications. She also used muscle testing to see which foods I can eat and the amount I can have in one day. I did not think it would work at first but once I went on the diet she put me on based off of the muscle testing results, I had never felt better and my ED was almost nonexistent after a few weeks. She is truly amazing, except after this last appointment I don’t know if I can fully trust her again.

My T finally called me back this morning. Apparently she had gone out of town and her phone did not have service. She kept apologizing that I couldn’t get a hold of her.

I told her what was going on. T could tell I was very freaked out and stressing about this appointment. She talked me through some things to calm me and the splits down and after she understood what was going on, she asked if she could call my mom to talk to her about it. My T and my mom talked for almost an hour and then my mom told me that T was going to call this specialist to see what exactly would take place during my appointment.

My T called back after her conversation with the specialist and told me that the specialist was not aware that I had DID and that she had never worked with someone with DID. Both my T and the specialist thought it was not good for me to come in. THANK GOODNESS!

T talked to me for a while trying to calm me down and talk through some more things. We talked about me having a meeting with the splits to see where to go from here. T is also going to call my doctor that recommended me to the specialist because T knows my doctor and wants to work with her to help me. My T thinks that my doctor doesn’t understand what DID is. My T also thinks that the doctor thought my DID was evil spirits living in my body instead of individuals who I created within my mind.

So hopefully everything will be all straightened out. I’m a little apprehensive about going back to my doctor but T says she wants to schedule all future appointments so she can be there with me to work through this. I thought that was extremely generous and so kind of her to do that for me. She has been amazing today and I am finally starting to feel much better. T said if this next appointment with my doctor does not work out for me then she says it would be good to look for someone else to go to.

Thank you all so much, again. This weekend has been very stressful for me and it was amazing to get so many responses.

-Bee

I'm So Scared

2010-06-18T22:37:00.000-07:00

Let me start out by explaining my day (and a little of the past two weeks) so there is some background knowledge.

I have been sick for the past two weeks because of the new medication my doctor put me on. I have been in bed for almost the full two weeks. I have been in an excruciating amount of pain and have not been able to go to work. Those of you who have been following my blog know that I do not miss work, even when I am sick. So missing two weeks worth of work is a huge deal for me. That's how sick I have been.

I managed to get in to see my doctor today. I told my T before I went in to see my doctor that I had been really sick and experiencing pain that I haven't felt since I first started treatment with this doctor back in February. My T told me to tell my doctor that I have DID. My T felt that the doctor would be able to help.

I had my mom go with me to the doctor because I didn't feel well enough to drive, and I felt like I needed her there to make sure my doctor understood the amount of pain I have been in these past two weeks. When I got there I explained my symptoms, when they first started occurring, and everything else I could think of. She started doing some simple tests and the results were not coming up right. She kept redoing each test and each time she would get different results.

She then started asking if I was having nightmares or panic attacks or hallucinations from the medications. I started to get worried because I experience these all the time and they had been no worse or better within the past two weeks. So I answered no, because I believe the medications were not doing that. She then looked straight at me and said "then I don't know why your results are not consistent." That's when someone within blurted out that I have DID.

The doctor asked, "Are you sure?" I instantly felt helpless. I do not do well when I have to defend myself. I know I have DID. My T knows I have DID. My mom knows I have DID. I answered kind of shakily, "Yes. I have DID." She then asked if she could muscle test me to make sure. I felt humiliated.

She muscle tested me and sure enough, I have DID. She then asked if I knew when my first alter was created. I told her that my T and I figured out that it was before I was 1 years old. The doctor said, "You can't even talk at 1 years old. How could you have created an alter?" By that point I was not doing well. I felt like she was attacking me. I felt sick and was in a ton of pain and I didn't have the energy to fight her on this. Nevertheless, I answered "The first alter came before I was 1 years old."

She then muscle tested me to see if I was correct. She started out with my age and worked her way down to five years old. Then 4. 3. 2. At 1 years old she looked surprised and my body revealed that sure enough, the first alter came before I was 1 years old.

I felt like I should have been confident at that point, because I had told her two things she didn't believe and then she was proved wrong. But no, I felt like I was going to pass out and have a very intense panic attack.

She looked to my mom and then at me and said, "You need to see a specialist to work through your emotional things." She said I needed to be balanced out so that she could start working on healing me physically. She called up this specialist and made an appointment for me on Monday morning.

I am terrified.

This specialist went to school for several years to learn how to rid the body of "entities" and "hitchhikers". Entities are evil spirits, and hitchhikers are alters. Basically my doctor is signing me up for an integration session. I almost fainted on the spot. Even my mom was uncomfortable with this idea. MY MOM! The woman who wants me to be normal was uncomfortable with this idea. Never in my life have I been so grateful for my mom to be on my side.

My doctor went on and on about how this specialist will help me to bring up all my emotions from my past and release them so I can heal. All of the times I was victimized, abused, involved in ritual abuse, other evil things, etc.

Basically, it will be hell opening up and swallowing me whole - and then taking away all of my alters.

I AM SCARED TO DEATH.

The doctor kept saying how I will be like a new person. Light will be shining from me. I will be happy. I will be able to heal physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. My alters will be gone - cast away. I won't even be recognized. It will be a whole new me.

Why do I feel like I'm about to be buried alive?

I have called my T several times since the doctor appointment but she won't answer. There is no way she will be okay with me doing this. My mom is freaking out because she doesn't feel like it is a good idea. I have been having panic attack after panic attack ever since we left. I'm afraid for when my splits realize what is going on. I want to cry but I'm so freaked out that I can't even do that.

The doctor kept saying how God didn't create me with alters. That alters are not supposed to be with me. It is not natural. It wasn't meant to be this way.

My alters have always been there for me.
They are the reason I am here.
I would not be alive right now if it weren't for them.
No one has the right to take them from me.

I don't even know what to do. I have no one to talk to about it because no one understands this. No one in my life knows except for my T and she isn't answering her damn phone!

I need some perspective on this. If you agree or disagree - it doesn't matter. I need someone who understands to hear me.

I am so so so scared...

Kinda Venting....

2010-06-18T04:47:00.001-07:00

I have been so sick these past two weeks.

I have now missed 11 days of work in a row.

I finally got a hold of my doctor this afternoon and she managed to squeeze me in tomorrow.

I want to rip out my insides.

My T can't meet with me tomorrow because she has a job interview.
I really need to see my T.
But I'm trying to tell myself it will be okay.
When I don't think it will be.

I want to cry.
I want to sleep.
I want to scream.
I want to run.
I want this horrible, excruciating pain to go away.

I don't want to miss my 12th day of work tomorrow but I will have to to go to the doctor.

To top it all off, I had a memory come up today. One I have no memory of and yet it seems so familiar I want to puke. It was so horrifying, painful, nauseating, sickening. I keep praying that it isn't true. Because if it is, it means one of my sisters was also ritually abused like me. I don't even want to think about that possibility.

It is 4:50am. I have been up for about 68 hours now. The new sleeping meds are definitely not working.

I'm sorry this post wasn't very happy, but I am just really tired of being sick. I just wish someone could figure out what is going on with me....

-Bee