I've been having a really rough time these past couple of months. Depression is hitting us like a ton of bricks. Pain levels are sky rocketing. I've been going to doctor's left and right. One wants to send me to a pain specialist. Another is contemplating surgery. They want to put me in braces. Why can't they just wrap me up in bubble wrap and send me on my way?
One of my abusers was over for dinner tonight. We kept having to leave the room to either throw up or cry because the abuser was so triggering. This particular abuser really makes me ill. They pretend like nothing is wrong - that their life is peachy perfect. That they "never did anything wrong". I think that is what makes them extra triggering.
You know why this abuser was over for dinner? Because my parents feel sorry for this person. ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME??!?!!?! Who the h*ll feels sorry for someone who f***ing abused their child! And not just once, several times over a period of 16 years!
I'm sorry, but that is just messed up.
It doesn't matter that I'm 22. My parents still won't listen to me. I tried to tell them back then, too. But they don't listen. They never listen.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Getting to Know "ME"
It has been an interesting couple of weeks regarding therapy.
For those of you who don't know, Oprah did a show back in the first week of October (I think around October 6th) on DID. She had a woman with DID on there and her daughter. They filmed her in a therapy session as different alters came out, and they also filmed her around her house and with her art. It was a very interesting show and I wish there was some way to get a copy of it.
Anyway, I bring that up because my T thought it would be a good idea to have my mom and I come to a session with T and watch this episode. We ended up doing this a little less than two weeks ago and it went surprisingly well. I think it overwhelmed my mom a little because she didn't ask me very many questions (and she usually asks A TON!).
At my next session with T, we talked about how that woman's personalities all knew the daughter and had relationships with her. My T suggested that I try doing that with my mom and my five sisters.
To be honest, I am scared to try this. There are several reasons why, but if I were to type them out then this post would be forever long and I don't want to make you read that much. So, a shortened version will have to do.
1. I'm afraid I will be out far less than I am now.
2. I'm afraid we will lose communication with each other, causing chaos.
3. I'm afraid of losing what little relationships I already have with my sisters.
4. I'm afraid they won't accept some of my splits.
5. I'm afraid that we will all become so individual from each other that we'll forget about each other again.
There are more, but those are my main concerns.
However, on the positive side I also see many benefits.
1. My sisters will get to know all of me, not just parts of me.
2. They will be able to identify when I am out, and when my splits are out.
3. I believe they can add to my healing and my splits healing by forming individual relationships with them.
4. The splits will be able to open up to more people and not just T.
5. We will be able to have a stronger bond as a whole, both inside the system and outside the system.
What I've decided upon with my Splits is that we will take baby steps. We have picked a few of us who will start out by introducing themselves and getting to know my sisters and my mom. The others can acknowledge who they are or can choose not to. We think this will be best to see how things go.
I have been talking to each of my sisters individually about what my T wants us to try and how things will go. I've only talked to three of my sisters and my mom, and all of their reactions were different...
Mom: O.K. Will you tell me who is out? Can you email me every night? Can you write up a list of their names and ages? Can you write up what they like and don't like? ....etc.... You get the picture...
Raena: I've always wanted to get to know them! Can we start now?
Brooke: This will be interesting, but let's give it a try. I already know a couple of them a little bit.
Renee: This is going to be really really hard. I don't want to sound selfish, but it is really hard for me to be around you when you aren't out. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, and I honestly don't want to know. I think this is going to be really hard but I'm willing to try. Maybe it will be better if we do this.
Very different responses but so far no one has objected to giving it a try. I just need to figure out how they can ask who is out or tell who is out without offending anybody. Any suggestions?
For those of you who don't know, Oprah did a show back in the first week of October (I think around October 6th) on DID. She had a woman with DID on there and her daughter. They filmed her in a therapy session as different alters came out, and they also filmed her around her house and with her art. It was a very interesting show and I wish there was some way to get a copy of it.
Anyway, I bring that up because my T thought it would be a good idea to have my mom and I come to a session with T and watch this episode. We ended up doing this a little less than two weeks ago and it went surprisingly well. I think it overwhelmed my mom a little because she didn't ask me very many questions (and she usually asks A TON!).
At my next session with T, we talked about how that woman's personalities all knew the daughter and had relationships with her. My T suggested that I try doing that with my mom and my five sisters.
To be honest, I am scared to try this. There are several reasons why, but if I were to type them out then this post would be forever long and I don't want to make you read that much. So, a shortened version will have to do.
1. I'm afraid I will be out far less than I am now.
2. I'm afraid we will lose communication with each other, causing chaos.
3. I'm afraid of losing what little relationships I already have with my sisters.
4. I'm afraid they won't accept some of my splits.
5. I'm afraid that we will all become so individual from each other that we'll forget about each other again.
There are more, but those are my main concerns.
However, on the positive side I also see many benefits.
1. My sisters will get to know all of me, not just parts of me.
2. They will be able to identify when I am out, and when my splits are out.
3. I believe they can add to my healing and my splits healing by forming individual relationships with them.
4. The splits will be able to open up to more people and not just T.
5. We will be able to have a stronger bond as a whole, both inside the system and outside the system.
What I've decided upon with my Splits is that we will take baby steps. We have picked a few of us who will start out by introducing themselves and getting to know my sisters and my mom. The others can acknowledge who they are or can choose not to. We think this will be best to see how things go.
I have been talking to each of my sisters individually about what my T wants us to try and how things will go. I've only talked to three of my sisters and my mom, and all of their reactions were different...
Mom: O.K. Will you tell me who is out? Can you email me every night? Can you write up a list of their names and ages? Can you write up what they like and don't like? ....etc.... You get the picture...
Raena: I've always wanted to get to know them! Can we start now?
Brooke: This will be interesting, but let's give it a try. I already know a couple of them a little bit.
Renee: This is going to be really really hard. I don't want to sound selfish, but it is really hard for me to be around you when you aren't out. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, and I honestly don't want to know. I think this is going to be really hard but I'm willing to try. Maybe it will be better if we do this.
Very different responses but so far no one has objected to giving it a try. I just need to figure out how they can ask who is out or tell who is out without offending anybody. Any suggestions?
This Foreign Place I Cannot Shake
Where ever I go
I must come back,
To this foreign place
I cannot shake.
I must call it home, now
But it feels so far from it.
When I look around
I feel trapped.
It must be a dream,
It must be a trick,
I don't know who
Would do this.
I want to leave,
I have to stay
In this foreign place
I cannot shake.
*Bee
I must come back,
To this foreign place
I cannot shake.
I must call it home, now
But it feels so far from it.
When I look around
I feel trapped.
It must be a dream,
It must be a trick,
I don't know who
Would do this.
I want to leave,
I have to stay
In this foreign place
I cannot shake.
*Bee
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I'm Back!
It has been quite a month.
I've moved.
My first 8-week student teaching placement ended.
I started my second 8-week student teaching placement.
I've been helping my twin sister, Brooke, plan her wedding.
I have been applying to several school districts around the state, hoping to find a job for January.
I found out that two of my best friends might be moving out of the state - one to UT, one to CO.
My sister Bri has a boyfriend.
My sister Renee has a boyfriend.
I've been able to work through several very disturbing and horrible memories.
I have been so extremely busy that I am glad I took the month off from blogging, even though I missed it terribly and there were so many times I wished to write down my thoughts and share them. But I stuck to my promise to not blog for a month and looking back, I know it was worth it. I am, however, very glad to be back!
*Bee
I've moved.
My first 8-week student teaching placement ended.
I started my second 8-week student teaching placement.
I've been helping my twin sister, Brooke, plan her wedding.
I have been applying to several school districts around the state, hoping to find a job for January.
I found out that two of my best friends might be moving out of the state - one to UT, one to CO.
My sister Bri has a boyfriend.
My sister Renee has a boyfriend.
I've been able to work through several very disturbing and horrible memories.
I have been so extremely busy that I am glad I took the month off from blogging, even though I missed it terribly and there were so many times I wished to write down my thoughts and share them. But I stuck to my promise to not blog for a month and looking back, I know it was worth it. I am, however, very glad to be back!
*Bee
Monday, October 4, 2010
For a Short While...
I have to give up blogging for now...hopefully not for too long. Right now it is looking like I will need to be gone for a month. During this time, I will not be blogging. I do hope to be reading what you are writing, though.
This has been a really hard decision for me... This world has become a big part of my life and I am going to miss it - probably more than I know. I will be checking my e-mail regularly, however, so if you wish to keep in contact please do!
But for now...I must say goodbye....for a short while.
*Bee
This has been a really hard decision for me... This world has become a big part of my life and I am going to miss it - probably more than I know. I will be checking my e-mail regularly, however, so if you wish to keep in contact please do!
But for now...I must say goodbye....for a short while.
*Bee
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
It Hurts Too Much...
***Possibly Triggering***Possibly Triggering***
Eating is like a punishment.
Abuse I get at least three times a day.
No matter what I eat, it hurts like hell. I'm literally putting myself through hell because I have to eat to live.
I'm doing all I can to not be in so much pain but it doesn't matter. It always hurts like hell. I'm always sick. I'm always in pain. I'm always fighting this losing battle.
And when I don't eat, I finally start to feel better but then my body thinks I'm starving myself and it ends up making it worse when I do start eating again.
I can't handle this anymore.
It's too much!
It hurts too much....
*Bee
Eating is like a punishment.
Abuse I get at least three times a day.
No matter what I eat, it hurts like hell. I'm literally putting myself through hell because I have to eat to live.
I'm doing all I can to not be in so much pain but it doesn't matter. It always hurts like hell. I'm always sick. I'm always in pain. I'm always fighting this losing battle.
And when I don't eat, I finally start to feel better but then my body thinks I'm starving myself and it ends up making it worse when I do start eating again.
I can't handle this anymore.
It's too much!
It hurts too much....
*Bee
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
It's Like...
It's like grading your fingers like cheese.
It's like sticking bamboo shafts in your eye sockets.
It's like cramming 100 different radio stations in your head at once - all on the same volume LOUD.
It's like feeling too much pain and not enough pain.
It's like falling down a 30+ story building with nothing soft to land on.
It's like screaming to be heard but all that comes out is a faint whisper.
It's like appearing to be okay when internally you're clearly not.
It's like wanting water but all you get is ice.
It's like trying to describe what salt tastes like but all you can do is compare it to something that is not like it at all.
*will add more later
It's like sticking bamboo shafts in your eye sockets.
It's like cramming 100 different radio stations in your head at once - all on the same volume LOUD.
It's like feeling too much pain and not enough pain.
It's like falling down a 30+ story building with nothing soft to land on.
It's like screaming to be heard but all that comes out is a faint whisper.
It's like appearing to be okay when internally you're clearly not.
It's like wanting water but all you get is ice.
It's like trying to describe what salt tastes like but all you can do is compare it to something that is not like it at all.
*will add more later
10 Signs You're Dealing with a Sociopath
I received an e-mail today asking me to share this article 10 Signs You are Dealing with a Sociopath. It definitely describes a couple of my abusers...
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Unsolvable
"It's a mysterious sort of pride in being unsolvable."
My sister Brooke said this to me the other day and I have been thinking about it ever since.
I have DID. Sometimes it can be a blessing, and sometimes it can be h*ll. But despite all the crap I have to put up with now regarding DID, I am glad I have it. Not only because it helped me survive through horrific abuse but because it makes me unique. You have to be pretty d*mn smart to have DID, and knowing that makes me feel incredible.
Every session with my T, I feel like we are piecing together a puzzle. Every day is challenging, in both good ways and bad. But I like the challenge. I love solving things. I love trying to shift things around until they are perfect. I love figuring out how to make things better for me.
With that said, because I like most of my life to be challenging, I find it very unsatisfying when something comes too easily or someone figures out what is wrong with me too quickly. It's almost like a huge disappointment because it wasn't more challenging.
Anyway...enough rambling from me. I just wanted to share this quote because I love it so much!
I love being unsolvable!
*Bee
My sister Brooke said this to me the other day and I have been thinking about it ever since.
I have DID. Sometimes it can be a blessing, and sometimes it can be h*ll. But despite all the crap I have to put up with now regarding DID, I am glad I have it. Not only because it helped me survive through horrific abuse but because it makes me unique. You have to be pretty d*mn smart to have DID, and knowing that makes me feel incredible.
Every session with my T, I feel like we are piecing together a puzzle. Every day is challenging, in both good ways and bad. But I like the challenge. I love solving things. I love trying to shift things around until they are perfect. I love figuring out how to make things better for me.
With that said, because I like most of my life to be challenging, I find it very unsatisfying when something comes too easily or someone figures out what is wrong with me too quickly. It's almost like a huge disappointment because it wasn't more challenging.
Anyway...enough rambling from me. I just wanted to share this quote because I love it so much!
I love being unsolvable!
*Bee
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