Is It All A Lie?

I struggle every day. I don’t fit in this world.

I watch people to see how they function and interact but no matter how hard I try I can’t be like them. It might be easy to fake it at first but as time goes on I don’t have what they have.

They try to teach me but I can’t be something I’m not. How do you live in a world that can’t accept you for who you are?

I have been forced into survival mode and I can’t leave it. It’s all I know; it’s all I have. They don’t understand unless they’ve been there.

Growing up I was taught that it’s a sin to lie. So isn’t it a sin to fake your existence in a world you don’t belong in?

It’s hard to live with yourself day after day after day when you feel like it’s all a lie.

Good Day, Good Night

I just wanted to post that today, despite the severe pain, was a pretty good day. It was very productive, and I was actually able to focus long enough to teach effectively all day.

I also had a GREAT session with my T yesterday. I left feeling like we really accomplished some things that I/we've been working on for months (and years) and, dare I say it, energized! I've been in a good mood every since.

Now I'm off to bed because I am exhausted....

I love my job :)


*Bee

Compare.

Compare.

This is a word I have grown to hate my whole life.

It's hard enough when you're different from all of the other kids.
Your parents compare you.
Your teachers compare you.
Your classmates compare you.

Now add an identical twin sister.

Who's prettier? Who's funnier? Who can run faster, throw better, lift more, speak faster, think quicker, learn easier, earn better grades?

The comparing never stops.

Add abuse into the mix and it only gets worse. Especially when you're identical twin sister wasn't abused...

Compare, compare, compare.

I have been struggling to stay out. Right now my life is really hard. I have been on survival mode for weeks. There have been times where I thought I wouldn't keep living. Not in a suicidal way. I thought that things were so hard that I would literally die because of how bad things were.

With DID, in my case, I don't have to be out all the time to function. My splits carry on just fine without me running the show. Some of them even prefer it. With that said, I have been really struggling to stay out because I don't feel like I'm very good at living anymore. I have sunk down to the level of people who have been comparing me my whole life.

I have started to compare myself against my splits.

They can talk better, think faster, teach more effectively...and the list goes on. Why do I need to be out if they are so much better at living my life than I am?

Therapist's answer: because it's your life and your body.
My answer: ...

Well...I don't have an answer.

My therapist always says that I'm really the one who created my alters. Granted, I was so young I can't even remember it happening so I feel like that shouldn't even count. I really hate it when she tells me that though. It makes it sound like I am making up my DID. I already have a hard enough time with the fact that I have other people living in my head, I don't need the added pressure of "well, you created them dear."

I'm just so frustrated, exhausted, mentally drained, physically worn out, and emotionally spent....


*Bee

Pain

What is pain?
Can you see it?
How does it come?
Why doesn't it go?
Is there such a thing as "painless"?
Who invented pain?
Where did it come from?
When did it start?
Did I do something wrong?

If I wish long enough, will it go away?

Right now I am in so much pain that I'm having a hard time staying awake.
Not the kind of "hard to stay awake" when you're sleep deprived.
It's the kind of "hard to stay awake" because the pain is so encompassing.

I can't even tell if the rest of my body hurts because the pain is so great.

Pain is not a big enough word for what I am physically experiencing and feeling right now.


*Bee

I Wish....

I wish the people who are supposed to be helping me would listen to me.

I was diagnosed 5 years ago with DID. Ever since that time, I have spent the majority of my life trying to piece together the puzzle of my splintered, fractured existence. I've researched, read, studied, documented, and experienced everything I could to help me to understand myself, my mind, and my whole life.

I know what works for me and what doesn't.
I know how much I can handle.
I know when I need to do something or stop something.
I know who in my life is safe to be around and who is not.
I know where to go when I'm having a hard time.
I know why some things are triggering and how to keep myself from freaking out.

But because I am not a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, or brain expert, I am dismissed. I am pushed aside.

Trying pain medication after pain medication, and having horrible side effects because of their nature to focus on "fixing" the brain, I am left to endure the horrors of my past over and over again.

If only the people who were trying to help me would listen to me. We wouldn't have to go through this hell and the doctors would feel safer prescribing me things.

I just want someone to listen....for once.

*Bee

I'm Still Here, Somewhere...

My last post was written in anger, but this post will be written with the strength that I have received from the people around me this week.

This past week was the hardest week of my life. On Friday morning, I was wishing I had never been born.

I have lost almost 20 lbs in the past week and a half. Not good...

I haven't been able to eat or sleep. My stress and anxiety have been through the roof.

I did find out, however, that the raised anxiety and stress levels are from the new meds I was given. Thankfully I went off of them on Wednesday and they are slowly making their way out of my system.

I have had the honor to get to know a person over the past few months. Even though we've never met in person, I consider this person to be a very dear friend of mine. She has been so great these past few days during a time that I needed a friend the most. I want to thank her for being such a great person and for being there for me.

I wish I could write more but there is just too much. I am still struggling but I can now see a light at the end of this dark, long, and difficult tunnel.

This week will be good. This week I am going to make sure it is a good week.

Thank you to all who have left comments, who have emailed me, and texted me over this past week. It has helped so much.

*Bee

The Venom Got to Me

***Read at your own risk***

I just want to say that I love my new teaching job and that it is going very well. I couldn't have asked for a better school, staff team, and community.

But my personal life has been suffering and I've tried so hard this week to hide it from everyone else because I hate being upset. Especially in front of people.

Today was the worst. Horrific. Unthinkable. Screaming. Crying. Pain.

And then...

I come home and find out from a dear friend/reader of my blog that another blogger is taking my thoughts and words from my blog and posting them on hers without my permission and without citing me.

Normally I would act calmly and respectively. Normally I would peacefully work things out. Not today. I just wrote a really nasty comment on there because I was so upset. Not because my friend informed me of it and not necessarily because this blogger had the post. I was upset because this blogger knowingly took something of mine without permission for her own gain. Just like every abuser I've known and heard about. This week has been really tough for me, and this day has been one of the hardest days yet, and I couldn't take it anymore. It's people like her who keep people like me and you from healing properly and completely.

I want to f***ing punch out my walls and tear down everything from the walls, the ground, the roof, the street, I want to kick, scream, bite, punch, cry, slam and jerk every last piece of anything on this earth.

This post isn't doing me justice. I cannot even express how f***ing angry I am right now!

I Love My Job

I truly and whole-heartedly LOVE my job! I look forward to waking up in the mornings, even though I'm not a morning person. I love my students. I love the school. I love the principal. I love the staff. I love the teachers I work with. I love the programs I have decided to purchase and use in my classroom. I just love it!!

I never thought I would make it to this point. But I did and I feel so incredibly blessed.

I LOVE my job!!!


*Bee

My First Day

I cannot believe all of the comments and emails I have received from all of you. Thank you so much! It means more than you can imagine. Maybe you can imagine. Anyway, thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I really appreciate it.

My first day of teaching went so well! Things ran so smoothly and I was able to keep my head clear and focused. My students had a great time and I could tell they were learning. I am amazed everyday at how much I love teaching. I'm not a morning person at all, but I am looking forward to waking up early and preparing for my students.

It's funny to go from student teaching to teaching. I compare it to getting your permit to drive a car. When you're learning to drive it's fun and new, but it's also frustrating and annoying because you have the "experienced" adult in the seat next to you telling you a bunch of things that you would rather not hear! But once you get your license, it's such a great feeling! You finally feel like you really can drive and follow the laws and do your own thing.

That's how today felt. I am the one in charge. I am the one making the decisions. I am the one responsible for the students learning. I don't have to constantly ask my mentor teacher for the "right answer". I'm the one who comes up with the right answer. It just felt so great to make a plan and then implement it. It felt so damn good!

Anyway...that's all for now. I'm super exhausted from today. But I'm definitely looking forward to tomorrow. :)

*Bee

Tomorrow Is The Day I Start My Life

Tomorrow is the day I start my life. Tomorrow I begin my first teaching job. Tomorrow I am in charge of students' learning. Tomorrow I am one step closer to moving out and being fully independent.

I never thought this day would come. I have wanted to become a teacher since I was 4 years old. Everyone Sunday after church, my sisters and I would play School. I was always the teacher. I would teach them what I was currently learning in school - mostly math and spelling since those were my favorite subjects.

I loved school. It was an escape from my abusers, from my house, from my family. I wasn't very good at it because of all the lost time. I didn't know I was losing time when I was younger - all I knew was that I would randomly appear in places and be expected to do work and I would have no clue how to do it. I spent my entire school career in figuring things out on my own.

Tomorrow I start teaching. Wow. Words cannot express how excited I am.

Tomorrow.

*Bee