Dear T

For those of you who have been following my blog know that I've had a rough couple of months with my T. She has been unavailable, cancelling appointments, repeatedly rescheduling appointments, saying and doing things that have hurt me and my alters. Yesterday I had a session with her and I was so angry and upset with her that I could hardly talk to her. I left with hateful thoughts and feelings, which is not like me at all.

Today I wrote her a letter because I can express myself so much better with written words, and I want to share that letter with you guys...

"Dear T,

I’m sorry about yesterday. I know you are there to help me, it’s just really hard for me to vocalize what is going on in my head. Most of the time it is really scary and unpredictable and I just want to be able to talk about it, but it’s hard.

I want so badly to be liked by everybody but I feel like I always fall short. I want at least some consistency to my crazy life so I expect certain things to always be there and when they’re not, I lose it. I break down. I fall apart. I expect you to be there for me for that small block of time every week, and when you’re not it really really hurts me. When you promise you’ll do something and you don’t follow through with it, it really really hurts me. And this week I needed something consistent and nothing was and I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I know that things come up. I know life can throw some pretty wicked curve-balls that no one predicts. I know that even if you want something badly enough that you would kill for it, you still might not get it. I know that you can’t always be there because that wouldn’t be healthy for either one of us but I need to know that you won’t abandon me because so many people have. I really want to be able to work through these awful things and heal. I don’t want to be scared anymore.

I don’t think there is any way for me to help you understand why it is so scary for me but I’ll try… I feel…lost, unimportant, not trusted, frustrated, angry, upset, confused, heartbroken, abandoned. So now what? It doesn’t matter if I lose months at a time and never remember anything? It doesn’t matter if I don’t come out for days at a time? It doesn’t matter that because I’ve been the main person for so long that now it’s someone else’s turn? Yeah, I know I’m still “me” but my whole concept of “me” is so distorted anyway and now I find out that I’m not who I thought “me” was?

Right now I am terrified and scared half out of my mind because I don’t know who I am, but I know I won’t feel like this forever. I just need you to know that that is where I am at right now because I’m freaking out and I can’t talk to anybody else about it. Not H, not K, not R, not B, not anybody. I need you to be there, even if it is through emails, because I am really scared and I have no idea what to do.

You were the person who got me to open up and share what has happened to me and what I’m going through. What I need is for you to listen and to just let me share what I’m feeling or going through at that moment so I can process it, and then let it go. I need that or else I end up holding on to a piece of it and it just comes back up again ten times worse. I have so many secrets bolted up inside of me that I can’t share because I don’t feel safe enough to, but I want to feel safe enough to share them. I’m so tired from carrying them around all the time."

*Bee

Goodbye T, I Am SO Done...

I am so sick of this...so so so so so so sick of this.

My T had turned a full 180 degrees - she was returning my calls and emails, she went out of her way to check on me, our sessions were going great, my alters were happy, hell, I was happy! I stuck with my T because I thought she had finally realized what she was doing to me.

I was so wrong.

Why can't my T keep an appointment? Is it really that hard?!?! I mean, come on, seriously?!

I'm literally hanging by a thread, barely keeping it together. I've been going running every day just to feel something and I'm under strict doctors orders not to exercise.

Damn it, I can't keep doing this.

And my T wonders why I have trust issues. Gee, I wonder why?! Maybe if you kept our Goddamn appointments I could actually start making some progress!

We were supposed to meet earlier this week, she called to reschedule an hour before I was supposed to see her. We were supposed to meet tomorrow (Thursday) and she just called me to reschedule AGAIN. How much do you wanna bet that she's going to call again tomorrow to "reschedule"???

Goodbye T, I am SO done.


*Bee

Irritation

The word irritation makes me think of a mosquito bite. No matter where a mosquito bite might be on your body, it can drive you absolutely crazy!

Scratching it provides temporary relief, but then the itch seems to come back ten times worse.
Rubbing it also provides temporary relief, but it still itches.
Smacking it, tapping it, or putting weight on it also provides temporary relief, but it still itches.
Mosquito bites basically irritate you to no end for several days, until they finally disappear.

Today my whole body felt like a mosquito bite. I did not want anyone around me. Don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't touch me, don't do anything to me, for me, or with me. Basically, leave me alone!

Of course, my parents didn't understand this. My mom insisted that I would feel better if I "just tried a little harder". Nope. It just doesn't work like that.

Irritation. I hate the way it feels.


*Bee

Thank You, T

For those of you who have been following my blog, you know that lately I've been having a really hard time with my T - she's cancelled on me, stood me up, promised things she didn't keep, etc, etc, etc.

Recently I have had a lot of missing time, and by recently I mean over the past 5 or 6 months. I've tried to talk to my T about it but I have felt like I cannot even come close to conveying what it is like to lose time.

Every session my T tries to tell me that "she understands" or "knows what it feels like". Damn it, I know she doesn't understand! Why can't she just admit that?!?!

Today, I received an email from my T...

"Bee,
I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated. I have no idea how it is to have so much time pass and not know what happened. Write down the questions you have so when we meet next week, I can try to answer them.
 T"

I was so shocked that she had admitted this to me - in all of the 6 years she has been my T, not once has she admitted this.

My reply was, "Thank you for acknowledging that you don't know what it's like. That means a lot."


*Bee

Power & Balance

Today I bought a Power Balance bracelet...
Why did I do this? My T suggested it.

I'm not sure if I believe that it actually works, but I'm always up for trying new things. What's great about this is that all I have to do is wear it on my wrist. No extra effort, thinking, or time. It either effects me positively or not at all. I might as well try this.

It will arrive in 5 to 7 business days.


*Bee

The Silence is Screaming

I don't have words, just a whole bunch of feelings. I'm warning you now, don't read on if you're easily triggered today. It's triggering me just thinking about what things I could write about today...

It feels like I'm constricted and suffocating. Sinking and drowning. Trapped. Anxious.

There's too much going through my head. Memories of abuse, torture, sexual monstrosities, murder. How did my fragile little self even survive this horror?

I am finally seeing whole faces of the main people involved, and I've been throwing up ever since. People I knew, and at one time possibly loved, people who were supposed to protect me, love me, nurture me. Now I see them as evil. Now I am afraid to be living in this house.

I so badly need my T right now. I need her support in this because I'm falling apart and I'm so so scared. I don't understand these things and I desperately need her guidance on finding the truth. Did these things really happen? because I don't believe I could ever make up something this bad.

All I can hear is their voices, their threats, their chants, their authority. My silent prayers, silent whispers, silent pleadings, silent pain.

I don't understand why people are involved in such horrible things.


*Bee

I'm Strong Enough To Do This

For those of you who have been following my blog, especially my last few posts, know that I've been having issues with my T. We were supposed to meet earlier this week - she cancelled. We were scheduled to meet today...she never showed up. I called her 5 times, left 3 voice-mails, and waited for over half an hour. She still hasn't called me back.

I left her office feeling like I had been abandoned and I felt so alone. I'm so sick of being treated like this every single time. I was so angry at her that I called another T that I had wanted to meet with a few months back. This new T answered right away and remembered who I was. I asked her if I could schedule to meet with her, and she happened to have a cancellation today. I said I'd be right over.

I ended up meeting with her today. I like her so far. She has worked with another DID patient before, although it has been a few years. This DID patient was not high-functioning and ended up stopping therapy after only a couple years into it. The new T told me she has worked with RA survivors before, one of them is currently still in therapy with her. She does not believe that integration is the answer for every DID patient, which I totally agree with! She is willing to work with me and is excited to work with me.

This seems all very new to me. I've had the same therapist for over 6 years now, so I feel very out of practice in finding a new one. I haven't told my current T about this new therapist... and I haven't told the new therapist about my current/old T. It's going to be a really hard thing for me to do.

It's been a very long day... I can't wait for the summer break, but at the same time I dread it.

Just one more week.

I'm strong enough to do this.


*Bee

Strength of Millions

(This blog post was supposed to be for Thursday, but Blogger was having issues)

I've always had to be strong.

I feel like I never had the choice to be anything other than strong.

I couldn't cry. I couldn't show that I was in pain.

I couldn't show that I was weak.

I couldn't write about it or talk about it.

Instead, I created people inside of me to carry the burden of always being strong.

Today, I felt as if I couldn't be strong anymore.

I found myself wanting someone to take care of me - someone to protect me so I didn't have to be so strong.

But there is no one. I sat in my car, driving around aimlessly, and crying my soul out.

I cried until I couldn't feel anything but numbness.

And now I build up my wall, stronger than ever, so tomorrow I can be strong again.

Never shall I ever show anything but strength. Because without this, I would break...


*Bee

Red Lines

I don't know where I am today. I haven't dissociated this bad in long time. By the way, half of those words had that cool little red squiggly line under them because I can't even manage to spell. And some more red lines. Hopefully I picked the right words.

Not seeing my T is real bad...she helps me stay grounded. 6 1/2 weeks with not seeing her has not been good. More red lines as I write. I hope this makes sense.

I tried to drive home from work today - it usually takes me about 10 minutes. Well...today it took me over an hour because I kept getting lost. I couldn't remember where my house was. By the time I got home I felt very awkward in my body and I kept falling over and tripping as I walked through my house. My dad asked me if I was drunk.

I've never had the experience of being drunk, but I imagine it feels a little like this.

I tried all the grounding things that usually work at least a little for me but nothing really stuck. I hope I can function tomorrow.

Nothing is processing. I hope this makes sense.

If not, I may delete it in the future.

Lots and lots of red lines I must fix...

A Letter to my T

Dear T,

In the last 6 weeks, I have seen you once.

6 weeks ago, we had the most difficult and rough session I've ever experienced. I was supposed to see you the following week, but you canceled. For the next three weeks, you canceled 5 more times. We were supposed to have a session so I could talk to you and process what we worked through. When we finally did have a session, it was three weeks and one day later. The session was rushed and in no way included a way for me to process through what happened.

I went to my pain doctor the next day and that is when he accused me of using THC. I called you as soon as I got to my car. Your response to this accusation was, "who have you been with in the last 3 weeks who would have access to THC?" I was so shocked by your response that all I could muster was the few names of people I had been around recently but none of them would do that. You told me that you would "think on it" and call me back the next day. I received no phone call from you.

Another three weeks has gone by and I have not seen you, talked to you, or received an email from you or any other form of communication. I've emailed 11 messages and called 3 times - leaving 2 voice-mails.

I'm angry with you. You know that I have a really tough time trusting people, including myself and my splits. You also know that I recently really began to trust my splits. I trusted them enough to know that none of them would ever do something to compromise that trust or all the hard work we have been doing, especially lately. None of them would put us, as a whole, at risk. Apparently you don't trust me or any of my splits.

I'm sick and tired of having to defend them because of your false accusations. At this time I cannot provide you specific examples, but whenever something goes "wrong" for me, you automatically accuse them. If I'm sick, you accuse them. If I can't sleep, you accuse them. If I've suddenly lost 15 pounds, you accuse them. The list goes on and on.

It has taken me years to be able to trust you with myself and to trust you with my splits. Right now, we all have lost our trust in you. We're seriously contemplating finding a new therapist - one who trusts us until we do something to lose it.

This is a very difficult decision to make, but at this time we feel it is vital to our healing process. We still have not decided if we should attend our session scheduled for this week. I'm sure if we wait long enough you'll cancel it anyway.


Sincerely,
Bee