Pushed to the Breaking Point

I'm so overwhelmed that the switching won't stop.

My vision is constantly blurry.

The pain never goes away - it continues to worsen.

Things at work seem to never get better. More is piled onto my plate. Last minute decisions made by others that effect me greatly. Decisions and outcomes I have to deal with because of my job position/title.

My personal life is a mess because I have to move again. This time of year is very triggering. Memories, flashbacks, etc are surfacing like mad and I'm running like hell to stay afloat. I'm barely breathing.

There is little comfort when I need a huge amount of it.

I feel like I'm going to lose my sanity at any moment, and the fear of that happening is so great that I can't sleep or eat or think clearly. I'm so stressed.

I need the support of my T but who, again, is not there for me in any capacity.

How much longer will I be pushed to the breaking point, without actually breaking?

That Is So F***ing Messed Up...

I need to process through something that happened to me a few months ago because it has not only affected me the last couple of months physically, but also mentally and emotionally.

***Trigger Warning***

A few months ago, I had a very bad allergic reaction to a medication and was taken to the ER in an ambulance.

I had gotten home around dinner time - I didn't see anyone else at home (I lived with two roommates at the time). My doctor had prescribed me a new medication for my migraines and instructed me to try this particular one while I was at work. For whatever reason, I didn't feel comfortable trying it at work so I had made the decision to try it on a day I had a migraine and was at home. It happened to be a weekend day that I got a migraine so I tried the new medication a few minutes after I had arrived home.

My throat instantly closed up, making it very hard for me to breathe. I reached for my cell phone and called my mom. When she answered I barely managed to tell her I was having trouble breathing - she told me to call 911 and that her and my dad would be over right away (they lived about 25-30 minutes away). At this point my lungs had started hurting and I was becoming light-headed and dizzy. My throat was very swollen and I had started coughing. I dialed 911. I again barely got the message across that I had taken a medication that caused me to have a severe reaction. She transferred me to the fire department. By this point I was lying on the floor, almost passed out.

Unknown to me at the time, my mom had called one of my roommates who happened to be home asleep. The phone call woke my roommate - she didn't answer her phone but saw that my mom had called her. She came in my room to see what was up, and saw me lying on the floor.

My memory of the events that follow are a little hazy, but from what I do remember and what was told to me from several different people - the fire department, police, and paramedics showed up at my house. I had stopped breathing at this point. Shot of epi. Nothing happened. Oxygen mask. Put me on a stretcher, loaded me in the ambulance.

At this point, I remember being put in the ambulance and seeing my parents running up to me. I hear my mom say to one of the paramedics, "Are you sure it's bad enough for her to go in the ambulance?"

I remember thinking (at first) "Mom, I can't breathe!" and then I thought, "Maybe I will be okay, I'm just imagining it to be much worse than it is."

The paramedics told my mom it was necessary to take me in the ambulance because I had stopped breathing. I blacked out. Next thing I remember, I'm in the hospital trying to breathe but I couldn't. It felt like someone was holding me down underwater, only I wasn't wet. I blacked out again.

I woke up with the worst stomach pain and head pain I have ever had. It felt like my head was going to explode - like my brain was swelling and pushing against my skull. My stomach was burning and twisting and all I wanted to do was throw up everywhere. I remember saying over and over, "I just want to die, I just want to die..." because I was in so much pain. The pain meds they were giving me at the hospital weren't helping at all.

Eventually I threw up all the contents in my stomach, and then some. The pain meds helped my headache enough to help me calm down. The swelling in my throat was going down, but it was very sore. My chest, lungs and heart hurt. The scare was over and I was stable. The doctors told me that if I ever came into contact with that same medication again, it would kill me. I heard them say that I had stopped breathing for almost an hour, they had given me two epi's that didn't do anything for me, and every counteracting medication they tried had had no affects on me. They said it was a medical miracle I survived.

And yet... I still struggle with that little voice in my mind, repeating over and over again: "Are you sure it's bad enough for her to go in the ambulance?"

How does my mom continue to make me doubt every traumatic memory in my life?

Here I have a memory that is very recent, a memory several people witnessed, a memory documented in hospital records, a memory my roommates and several close friends lived through with me, and yet I still doubt the seriousness of the whole thing. I f***ing almost died and I still question the seriousness of the events that took place. All because of my mother doubting and denying everything that happens in my life.

Why does her life have to be so perfect and normal? Why can't she just accept that bad things happen and let me remember and heal and move on?

Instead, I'm left with one of the most concrete memories I will ever have and I still find myself doubting. That is so f***ing messed up.


*Bee

November to February: A New Journey Begins

I wrote out a whole detailed blog post of what has been going on but the more I wrote, the more I realized that I really didn't need all the details. So here are the main points...

1. I have found my true best friend (post). She is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. She has not only accepted me and my alters, and gotten to know me and each of them individually, but has also played a significant part in my healing process these past few months.

2. Back in November, I had two very severe allergic reactions that put me in the hospital. Fast forward to February, I am still trying to recover from both of these reactions.

3. A very good friend of mine's 6 year old daughter passed away at the end of November. That same friend ended up in the hospital a week later and has been there since.

4. My new T has become very flaky and strange things seem to be happening with her. I see her about once every 3-4 weeks and I'm supposed to see her weekly.

5. I still love teaching and I have the best students this year. I have had the amazing opportunity to touch so many lives. These kids really look up to me because they can see that my life is different from most other people (my many allergies and pain is known throughout the school now because of my hospital stay back in Nov). They see that even though I have things going against me and preventing me from doing certain things, I still make the best out of what I can. And that drives me to stay positive for them.

It's good to be back :)


*Bee

Hello, to the Old and the New!

I have been away from my blog for a few months now, very unexpectedly and unintentionally. I apologize and hope to start writing again much more frequently. I'm so happy to see that I have my same followers still reading and even more followers who have joined while I have been away! Welcome to all of you and I hope you have found at least a little bit of what you were searching for.

I'm currently working on a post to update everyone on what has been going on in my crazy life/world and will be posting it shortly. Thanks again to all of your comments, emails, tweets, messages, texts, etc over the past few months. You guys are amazing and a big part of my healing. I hope I am able to do the same for you too. See you all around :)


*Bee

Best Friend

My whole life, I've always wanted that person I could call my true "best friend".

You know what I'm talking about - the kind of friend you read about in a book or see in a movie. They are always there 100%, never judging, say encouraging words, hold you when you're sad, celebrates when you're happy, and is just an all-around great person. I've always wanted that... I've wanted to be able to trust another person completely so I could have a friendship that strong, but I guess I've just always assumed I would never have something that great.

I work with a girl (let's call her M) who I met back in the beginning of August. She teaches in the same hallway I do and we ended up working together quite a bit. Over the past month and a half, we have been spending more and more time together because of work - naturally, we started to get to know each other better and started hanging out together more and more outside of work.

Over the past few weeks, we've spent as much time as we can at work together, as much time outside of school together, and texting/talking on the phone the rest of the time. We ended up hanging out one night and pulled an all-nighter and talked for about 14 hours straight. It was one of the best nights of my life because I was able to share with her things I've never told anybody else and she was able to do the same with me.

I was also able to share my DID with her and what really impressed me was the first question she asked me after I told her. She said, "Bee, I would really like to get to know your other personalities if that's okay with you guys?"

No one has ever asked me if they could get to know my alters. I told her heck yes!


*Bee

Things I Wish I Could Say

I had a session with my T on Monday. Instead of telling her all the things that I have been struggling with the past few weeks, I let one of my alters be out for the time with her.

These are the things I wish I could have said to her...

I'm so overwhelmed by my anxiety that my weight has dropped far below the normal range - it is starting to become a major concern. It's even more frustrating because the people around me make comments about how they wish they could lose weight as fast. I wish I could tell them that this is NOT a good thing...

Some of my alters are constantly screaming. Nothing I do soothes them or makes them stop.

My pain levels are starting to rise again. Some are really high and it's a struggle to do simple things - even just getting out of bed in the morning.

We're all struggling with sleep again and it's starting to effect us during the day - major loss of focus, no attention span, major dissociation/switching, memory loss, fainting spells, exhaustion, etc.

Side effects from new medications are becoming a major concern.

I'm feeling like a total fake and a liar because my roommates don't know about my DID or my alters. I feel like I can't be myself and I feel like I'm constantly hiding something. I hate that.

I hate my job because my principal is forcing me into situations that put me in a position that could potentially get me fired. But at the same time I don't want to quit because I love my students and the teachers I work with and it's a job. How in the world am I supposed to deal with that?

I feel incredibly overwhelmed by life because I feel like I have to hold in all of these secrets because of my DID, and because of my job, and because of my health issues, and because of this and that and etc etc etc. I hate secrets. I hate feeling like I'm hiding things from people. I don't want to hold everything in anymore. I want it gone. I want to be done with it.

There is so much more I need to say and write but I can't...at least not right now.

The things I wish I could say...

Introducing My Alters

Fall and spring are typically very tough times of the year for both me and my alters, especially fall. I've noticed over the past few years that talking to our T is just not enough for us to express what is going on and we're often left feeling depressed and alone with no one else to talk to between sessions. I've been thinking of ways to fix this problem and the only thing I've come up with so far is sharing my blog with them. We've kind of done this in the past but now I want them to make themselves known and really express what's going on for them. I hope it will not only help them individually and all of us as a whole person but each of my readers as well and maybe even their alters.

I know some of you already share your blog with your alters so any ideas or tips or anything would be greatly appreciated!

Have a great week :)


*Bee

I Am Ready! Bring It On!

I have had the amazing opportunity to move in with some beyond amazing girls who have changed and are changing my life for the better. I have never been so happy all the time in my entire life. No matter what kind of day I've had, as soon as I walk into my house a smile appears on my face simply because the energy is so good and happy and I feel loved. I feel accepted. I feel at peace and safe. For the first time in my life, I know what "home" feels like.

The three times I have had to go back to my parents house (for whatever reason - borrowed/returned something, birthday, etc) since I've moved out, I've hated the feeling/energy in their house and I just wanted to leave it. All of my friends and co-workers have been commenting on how much happier I've been and how happy I look all the time. Even my twin sister says she can tell that my whole life has turned around in these last 3 weeks.

This is probably the best thing I could have ever done for myself and my alters. I am so blessed to have found this house and these amazing girls to be my roommates. We have all instantly become really good friends and I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now. I am so excited to finally be able to do some serious work in therapy so I can heal and really move on in life.

I AM READY! BRING IT ON!


*Bee

Who Art Thou, Imposter?

My new T and I have been working through some things that my old T had really upset me about in the past. I have been sending my new T some of my old emails to her - (conversations between me and my old T). I came across one particular email that really hit me hard...at first I tried to put it aside and forget it but it kept nagging me in the back of my mind.

At the time, I had been pretty much on bed rest because of my severely high pain levels. I was about 19 years old, on morphine, and basically stuck in bed all day except for when I had my college classes. My old T was convinced that my alters were sabotaging my life and I kept defending them, telling my old T that they weren't making me sick. This is what I wrote to my old T late one night...

“You don’t know what it’s like. There are theories from people who know nothing about having voices in their head. There are things I just know. I can’t prove them, but I know them. I know they are true. I know I have alters who lie and do things I hate, but this is me talking. I live with this disorder every moment of every day. I know things about it that nobody else would know - unless they have alters. There are things I can never tell. Never explain. Never be able to prove. But I know. I know...
 

I know it sounds weird when I say that I know when I can eat or drink certain things, or when certain things make me feel better or worse. It probably sounds like I’m crazy or that I’m making it up, but I swear I’m not. There is something going on and I can’t figure out what it is. It is frustrating and tiresome and ridiculous but I’m willing to fight for it. 

You don’t know what it’s like to live like this. To be afraid of things most people cannot see. To talk to people who are only talking to you. To never sleep; instead, you see things and call them dreams because you don’t know what else to call them. Supposed memories that come to you, and people telling you it’s from your life but you don’t ever remember living it. You go weeks without eating anything and yet you look the exact same – as if no matter how much pain you have to suffer through from starving to death it never shows the effects on the outside. 

I can’t explain to someone what it is like to look in a mirror and not recognize the face inside it. How there are some days I wake up and it takes everything inside me to put on a mask and walk through my life like someone else. I am the person that you pretend does not exist, except that is all I am, all of the time. 

I feel like I’m always trying to give people what they want or expect, but I’m always falling short. Somehow I end up being the disappointment. 

People I thought I knew, I really don’t know at all. Just like they don’t really know me, either."

I know I have come a long way from that point in my life, but there are still times when I feel like that person. I often wonder if I will ever stop feeling like an imposter in my own body?

Big Changes

So many changes have taken place since I have last had a chance to sit down and blog. Big changes - both good and bad.

Being a teacher is very hard. Oftentimes I work 10 to 12 hour days (or more) because there are just simply not enough school hours to get everything done - and I'm not the only teacher who is staying this long. At least half of the other teachers are pulling crazy hours like this too, sometimes even more. Unexpected things pop up, meetings run long, prep hours disappear, emergencies, etc. Pretty soon you find yourself chained to your desk hidden behind a mountain of papers, wondering how far away the weekend is. I don't want my job to be like that. I want to love my job. I want to look forward to going to work. I love my students and I want to have a positive attitude so when I am working with them I can have a positive influence in their lives.

I moved. I got myself some roommates and moved out of my parents house (yay!) and it is awesome! I forgot how much better I do when I live on my own away from family. It has been a nice change.

I have been struggling. This time of year is always really rough for me and stays rough until after Thanksgiving/Christmas. I'm hoping this year things will be better because I will have a healthy escape (my house) to go to when my family and extended family become too overwhelming or triggering. I also have a new T that is amazing and has already done so much for me and my alters.


*Bee