Sunday, August 26, 2012

The Monster

"I can’t explain to someone what it is like to look in a mirror and not recognize the face inside it. How there are some days I wake up and it takes everything inside me to put on a mask and walk through my life like someone else. I am the person that you pretend does not exist, except that is all I am, all of the time." -me

I'm writing because I have been silent for too long.

I'm writing because The Monster has come back and I am finally ready to acknowledge it.

I'm writing because I am scared, I feel very alone, and I honestly don't know what to do.

For the past two years, I was blessed to have my dream job. As a teacher, this is a hard thing to get when you first start teaching (depending on the area you live in). For me, I got my dream job right off the bat and although it was very hard, stressful, and tiring, I truly loved my job. 

This school year, for those of you who have read my last few posts, are aware that I was forced to move to a different school, and change to a different grade level - this was all done without my knowledge and I had no say in the matter. In fact, my contract for the next school year had already been signed when they officially told me what I would be teaching this year.

I tried my best to start this year off with a positive attitude. It is very hard for me to make new friends but I did my best to get to know the new people I would be working with. But after several weeks of being in school, I hate my job. 

I hate it so much that my depression has come back...full force. I think it first came back when I initially learned I would be moving to the new school, but over the last several months and especially over the summer, my depression has become much, much worse.

Every morning I sit up in my bed and just cry. I don't want to be alive. I don't want to go to work. My life feels completely pointless. I hate the crazy, ridiculous expectations I'm expected to live up to. I'm working 12-15 hour days to try to finish everything I need to at work and it's still not enough time. The sad thing is, I'm not the only teacher who feels this way at this school. 

I haven't seen my T in several weeks. She didn't call me back for a long time - my best friend ended up contacting her. The next day I finally heard from my T. I'm so angry and upset with my T because I'm not getting the support I need. That causes me to feel more depressed and helpless. 

I was also in a car accident right before our students started back to school. My car was totaled, and as a result of all the things I have been feeling and experiencing lately, including memories, triggers, depression, etc...I have PTSD from the accident. Because I haven't seen my T, the PTSD has gotten worse and I haven't been able to drive at all without being extremely triggered. I have to switch with one of my alters in order to drive, or someone else has to drive me places. Even being in a car is triggering.

I'm scared because I've been having suicidal thoughts. They are not constant, and when they do pop up I acknowledge them by telling myself that suicide is not the answer and that things will get better....but I need my T to be consistent. I can't keep doing this on my own. I have a couple of really great friends who have been a huge support system, but they can't be there 24/7 and they aren't trained like a therapist/counselor is. I'm worried that things will continue to get worse if my T keeps rescheduling.

My alters have started to go into "hiding" - for me, this means they go into their own rooms or areas and stay there when the outside world and our inside world become too overwhelming that they just need to escape. I have so many alters that are hiding right now that it is becoming very hard for me to function. The way my system works, I have various information stored in several different alters and I am in constant communication with all of them so we can all function and be successful. Right now, our system is struggling because it is taking so much longer to retrieve information.

All I want to do is cry and curl up in a ball and never leave my room... I hate feeling this way :(



  1. I'm sorry that you are going through this but understand it all too well. For those who have DID, consistancy with a T is very, very important. If your T can't be consistant with appts, I would strongly recommend finding another T. I had to fire my last T because she was very inconsistant with her schedule. It really messed with us. There are other T's out there who are not like this.

    Keep your chin up, and just know even though you feel alone, you are not alone.

  2. Oh Bee,

    I'm so sorry they switched your teaching position. That in itself is a hard, hard thing - and to do it without giving you notice or a choice - that was unfair.

    I hope you can get in to see your T. My gentle thoughts are with you.

  3. I've been feeling this way also, lately. We did some reorganization, including our first integration of two alters. We've had some breakups between our system and people we care about. It's so difficult to keep going to work and acting like everything's okay when it isn't. But keep acting like it, and one day it will be.

  4. Hi Bee. You've got some majors to be dealing with between job, T's, accident, and negative head space. It be easy to see then why parts are hiding out and that you might want to too. It might seem a little silly, but maybe you can time the hiding out parts so you can regain the strength that comes from that - feelings of security, but then spend some "out" time too. Just keep balancing the ratio of the two until things get better.

    Not sure I could continue seeing a T who wasn't trustworthy though. I know you have a lot of things going on that feel up in the air, but you really need someone you can trust to help you with all your going through. Always you are going to be your best defense - even if a bit scattered at the moment. Even if time out is for nothing else than 15-20 minutes of coloring ... take turns being out and in, and the ability to help between the parts will make all the difference in the world. Because bottom line ... they care the most and are your best support!

    Our best,