What Is Truly Fragmented?

Is your mind fragmented or is your spirit/soul fragmented?

This is the question I ask myself everyday since I found out what my diagnosis of DID meant. What is truly fragmented?

My T and I talked about this question in our session today. My T thinks it is just my mind that is fragmented and that my spirit/soul is whole - that I should always search to find my spirit/soul so I can find wholeness in my fragmented life and heal. I think that is a wonderful idea, really, but I don't know if I totally think that way. Sometimes I really wonder if it is my spirit/soul that is fragmented...

I don't know if I will ever find the answer to this question but I do want to know what other people think about this. What is truly fragmented?

Happy Birthday to Us!

Today is my birthday :) and Brooke's too, of course.

I'm doing better than I was on Sunday. I want to thank everyone so much for the comments and emails from the past couple of days. It really means a lot and I'm so glad I have such amazing people who read my blog.

I've been in a lot of physical pain over the past few days - mostly severe stomach pain and TMJ pain - but I've still gone student teaching despite the fact that I feel like my insides are gonna kill me! I do enjoy teaching, though, and working with the students so it hasn't been so bad. It has actually gone rather well the past two days. I finally feel like I'm part of the classroom and the routine and I am much more confident in what I am doing and what I will be doing. Today will be Day 6 of student teaching so I feel like I'm doing well so far!

I never did get a hold of my T. I have left a couple of voice-mails, so she is either sick, out of town, or her husband was off work. It's fine, I guess. I don't expect her to always be there for me. It would just be nice to have someone I could always count on, but that would mean we live in a perfect world. And the fact that I have DID proves that this world is far from perfect.

Well I better get ready to go to the school! I hope you all have a fabulous day and I will update you on what my birthday plans end up being :)


We're 22 today!

Almost to the Breaking Point

I'm almost there... you know... to the Breaking Point.

I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like everything is lost and confusing and unbearably hard.

I feel depressed and alone and scared. I feel like things are impossible.

But tomorrow I have to put on the "I'm okay" mask. I have to be confident, secure, and happy. I have to be brave, courageous, understanding, and hopeful. I have to be a leader, a friend, a helping hand. I have to be okay, even when underneath it feels like I will fall to pieces at any moment.

And somehow I will do it.

But right now I'm standing at the bottom of Mt. Everest with no climbing gear in hand, and I'm expected to reach the top.

The Tears Won't Come

It's like I'm not living.

My mind is blurry, I cannot think.

It is as though I am drifting off to find a better place.

I really need to see my T. Lately she has gotten more patients/clients so she can't see me as often and I'm starting to feel the effects of it. After losing most of my splits, I have not done well at all. I never wanted to integrate in the first place, so releasing them was the worst possible thing to happen.

As I go longer and longer without my other splits, I find myself struggling to function. I am trying so hard to appear "normal" but it's just too hard. Something is really wrong in my mind and I need my splits back - all of them.

I'm so afraid of the damage this release has caused. I can't believe I actually trusted this other therapist. I never let my guard down. I never trust until I have known a person a long time. What the h*ll was I thinking?!?!

I'm tempted to call my T... I keep losing major gaps of time. I know the littles who are left are so depressed and distraught that it is making it even more difficult for me to function.

These past two weeks have been horrible and I just want to go back in time and tell myself not to go to that new therapist. She really messed up my mind, my system, my life. I want to cry but I can't. The tears won't come...

Student Teaching

Well I started student teaching yesterday!

My first day went very well - I was not nervous at all! I observed for pretty much the entire school day and I helped my mentor teacher prepare things before and after school. I got to know most of the other teachers I will be working with over the next few weeks and see what goes on during the school day.

Today was my second day and it also went very well! I observed again (I have to get so many observation hours to meet my requirements) so I was getting a little weary by the middle of the day. I really just want to start teaching! I start taking over one period (7th grade math) on Monday so that is exciting!

To update from the last post... I still have not responded to Caly's e-mail. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do. I need to figure out what will be best for me, especially since her e-mail was a huge trigger and I'm still not quite over it. I'm thinking once I calm down I will be able to think more clearly about it. Plus I want to discuss it with my T when I meet with her next. I guess we'll just see how it turns out...

My sister Brooke (the engaged one, a.k.a. my twin sister) is heavy into the wedding plans. Since I will be her maid of honor, she has been asking me all kinds of questions that I really don't know the answers to! Oh well... I still love her :) It will be weird to have her move out. I'm so used to her being right down the hall...

I find that the busier I am, the better my splits and I do as a whole. I find that while I have been observing in the classroom the past two days, I have trouble focusing, concentrating, answering questions, quick thinking, etc. But as soon as I jump in to help a student or talk to the teachers, I find myself able to focus and just do better mentally over all. So I'm hoping that will also be the case when I start teaching.

Blah... I'm wiped out! I'm hoping I will acquire more energy as the days go on or else I'm going to be spending my weekends sleeping...

I hope you all are having a good week!!

*Bee

Really????

I'm still processing it.

I don't even know what to say or where to begin.

I can't even remember if I have talked about "her" on this blog.

Today was my session with T. We brought back some more of the splits that were released. I am finally starting to feel more whole and complete - which is totally the opposite of DID but hey, it's my "normal" so go with it.

I was walking to my car after the session and I opened my phone to check my messages. There, sitting in the front of my inbox messages was a message from Caly.

Some background on Caly - we met when I was about 8 and we were friends for 11 years (about 3 - 4 of those years we were best friends). We went to the same elementary, junior high and high school (she was one grade ahead of me). We both ended up going to the same college and in my second semester she asked me to be roommates with her.

Long story short, she emotionally, verbally and sexually abused me the nine months we lived together. I didn't know about the sexual abuse part until a couple of my splits came forward about it a year later. She had an ongoing relationship with one of my splits that I had no idea about. And when I was out she would emotionally and verbally abuse me. It was a horrible situation to be in.

After several of my other friends telling me to move out, I finally found the courage and found a place with my other roommate and we moved out. This PISSED Caly off to no end. She ended our friendship.

Caly told me I had used her and that she had "given me everything" and that I was ungrateful, etc. She never wanted to see me or talk to me again.

That was three years ago.

I have seen her maybe 3 times since then. Twice was to pay for rent, and once at a baby shower of a mutual friend. That's it. No contact, no nothing.

And then I get this e-mail from her today saying "I just want to say that even though you screwed me over repeatedly, I would like to bury the hatchet."

Really, Caly?? Really?? I screwed you over?!?!

And what is with the random e-mail? Is she going through some life changing thing that has made her see that she shouldn't hate people? That she needs to make amends with everyone she's wronged?

I really don't know what to do. I haven't responded yet, and I'm not even sure how I would respond.

I feel like I keep getting thrown these huge life changing things lately... I'm just barely starting to heal from the crazy new therapist releasing most of my splits, and now I have to deal with a past best friend/abuser who apparently wants to make things "all better" between us. And then I start student teaching on Wednesday...

I have been in a weird funk ever since I read the message. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest - almost like what you feel like just before a panic attack, only the panic attack never comes! Ahhhh..... I just want Caly to go away. I was fine not talking to her.

This message has brought up a lot of old memories - most of which I didn't want to relive. She put me in a very dark place and I don't want to go back to that. I don't want her to have control over me anymore. But then I also want there to be some closure between us. I highly doubt I will ever be friends with her again but it would be nice to know that she doesn't hate me anymore - for whatever her reason is.

Blah... What a day... What a week! :/

*Bee

Becoming Closer With My Mom

There is so much going on with me and my splits, me and my mom, me and my t, and me and my fast-approaching life. There are simply not enough hours in my day to write about it all but I so badly wish to share it with all of you!

For those of you who have been following my blog know that my mom and I do not have a good relationship. My mom never abused me, so that is not the issue with us. It is mostly her misunderstanding of my DID and her wanting me to be "normal" and her denial that anything - relating to abuse - happened to me. But my experience with this new therapist (see last post) has changed our entire relationship.

Since my mom was there in the session with me, my t and the new therapist, she was able to experience a lot of things with me that she has never seen before. My t encouraged me to talk with my mom after this horrible session because she would be the only other person to understand at least a fraction of what I was going through without having to do a bunch of explaining. I was very apprehensive at first because my mom is quick to judge things and I was in no state of mind to take any such thing. But I was brave and decided to try it.

My mom thought that me getting rid of most of my splits (only 6 remaining after the session with new therapist) was a huge step "in the right direction" to being "normal". But after a day without my main splits, I could see that I was going down the wrong path and failing miserably. I needed to bring them back.

I calmly explained this to my mom. I told her that it wasn't going backwards if I brought some - or all - of them back because without them I would not be okay. I would be way worse than not okay. I could see it in her face that she did not like the fact that I would need to bring some (or all) of them back, but I could also see that she was willing to accept it. That is HUGE.

I have been talking with my mom a lot over the past week about how I am doing and what my t and I have figured out since the horrible session with new therapist. It is weird for me to have this connection with my mom. I still feel like I'm telling her lies when it really is all true. I don't know why I feel this way - maybe it's my way of being defensive without showing it on the outside.

But something my mom said to me during one of our conversations really stuck out to me and to be honest, it surprised me. She told me (a little teary-eyed, might I add) "I cannot believe how strong you are. I don't know why you have to go through this but I don't think I could ever deal with what you have to deal with. You are constantly amazing me."

It really touched my heart. I finally feel like she is starting to want to understand what I deal with constantly.

Over the past few days, she has gotten more "gutsy" at asking me questions about my abuse. I have been very vague and most of the time I tell her I don't want to talk about it. She seems to trigger me a lot, unintentionally. It gets me all anxious and worked up. But I kind of hope we do get to a point where I can at least talk about it a little bit with her. I don't want her to know everything - there is no way she could handle it. But I think I do want her to know at least some things.

I finally got brave enough to say I didn't want to see Grandma C anymore. She comes over every Sunday for dinner and I'm sick of hiding from her. I want to be able to be in my own house and not have to worry about running into her or having to see her. My mom talked to my dad and supposedly they are going to work it out with her so she doesn't come over as often and hopefully eventually not at all. I know for a fact that Grandma C will NOT like that. I just hope it all works out...

*Bee

Never Again...

As promised, here is the story about what happened exactly a week ago...

My t has had me working on focusing on clearing my mind and being in a calm, relaxed state. At first I was doing it when I was alone in my room, and then I moved up to doing it when I was around family or close friends, then I moved up to doing it at different times at work and then finally learning to do it where ever I was. It took LOTS of practice and it was very hard for me at first, because clearing your mind is tough enough, but when there are 35 other people also in your mind, they have to learn too or move out of the way.

Her idea was, that once I mastered clearing my mind and relaxing, she could help me to release some of the heavy emotional baggage that I have been caring for most of my life. We had done this before, back when I was in high school, but we both felt like we needed to do it again.

About two or three weeks ago, my t met with some of her colleagues about releasing emotional stuff and one of them suggested a therapist that does this all the time. She comes highly recommended and she happened to be local - about 45 minutes from where I live.

My t brought it up with me and asked if I would be up for it. T told me she would accompany me and if I wanted, my mom could come as well.

I thought about it for a few days and thought it couldn't hurt. My t would be there so nothing would happen that I was against or was uncomfortable with, and my splits would behave since t would be there. I agreed to try it.

We made the appointment and the morning of, I became extremely nervous and anxious. My whole body was shaking and my splits were in a frenzy. I tried countless times to clear my mind and relax but I just couldn't. I was too freaked out.

My t met with the other t while my mom and I waited in the waiting room. I kept telling myself to take deep breaths but it just wasn't working. We were finally called in.

As soon as I walked into the room, I went into a full-fledged panic. There were three chairs side by side lined up against a wall, and in front of them was a table. Do you understand the need to panic?

My t pulled me aside and said I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to. She reassured me that I was in full control and I had the say. Somehow I agreed to still try it.

The new therapist had me lay on the table on my back with my eyes closed. She read off different emotions and when my facial muscles would move a certain way, she knew that was an emotion I needed to release. She would then have me release it through "touch release" which is basically me putting my first fingers on certain parts of my face and visually seeing it leave my body. It may sound like a total joke but it actually worked. Even my splits were able to release stuff!

For each emotion, there would be different touch points but she never had to touch me because I had to do it.

But then she got to a point and asked me if I was ready to release my alters. I. FREAKED. OUT.

But I felt like I had no control...it was like I was in a trance and I couldn't wake up. This new therapist had me walk through this meadow in my mind and imagine a door off to the side. Then, one by one, most of my splits came to me, said goodbye - some gave words of wisdom or encouragement - and then walked through the door. This went on until I had six left.

The entire time I was bawling my eyes out. I felt like I was losing my best friends. They had been with me for years, some of them my whole life, and they were leaving.

When I finally came out of it, I was devastated. I felt weird - I was really light and my head was so clear and open - but I was severely emotional and I wanted my splits back.

My t and I went to a separate room and she asked me how I was. I didn't know what to say... I felt like a huge chunk of myself and been taken from me. I was distraught.

My t told me to drink lots of water and to call her that night so she could see how I was doing. I went home (good thing my mom had come because there was no way I would have been able to drive) and went straight to bed. I slept for hours and when I woke up, I couldn't handle my emotions.

I was crying so hard, I couldn't breathe. I was rocking back and forth, writhing on my bed. I had never felt such a big loss in my entire life. Once I settled down a little bit, I called my t.

She could tell I was not well. She asked me what I was feeling and I told her I was regretting the whole thing - going to a new therapist, releasing emotions, releasing most of my splits. She told me to go back to sleep and to call her first thing in the morning. I agreed and went back to sleep.

The next morning I was clearly dissociating more than I had ever dissociated. The six splits I had left were severely depressed and couldn't function any better than I could. But somehow when we called t, we told her we were doing better.

Friday was difficult. My mom thought I had had the best experience the day before and was so happy for me. I didn't think I could tell her how bad I was doing.

I floated through most of Friday. My parents took me out to lunch, I went shopping for hours with my mom, then went out to dinner with three of my sisters and then went to a late movie. After the movie (it was about midnight) my friend Rae texted me and asked me how my day was. I lost it... I told her it was awful.

She called and talked to me for a while, but I couldn't explain to her what had happened. She knew about my DID but there was no way I could explain what had happened to me. After we hung up, I went to my room and cried.

All of Saturday I spent trying to solve my Rubik's cube. I spent about 15 hours on that thing and I could not solve it for the life of me. This is not normal, because I can usually solve that thing in under a minute. I called my t and told her something was very wrong. I couldn't read because my dyslexia was so bad. I couldn't do any type of math. I couldn't write my books. I couldn't remember my two youngest sister's names.

My t and I talked through it and we figured out that because the other therapist had released my other splits the way she did, I now did not have access to the things they had. We made an appointment for Monday morning.

I floated through most of Sunday and put on my "happy face" for everyone. Monday finally came and it was time for "couch work".

Something that is interesting that I really want to share with you guys - I could feel some of the splits that had left around me. Almost like they were spirits. What is really interesting, is that my t had some around her too. She told me that all weekend long she kept experiencing teenager emotions and that it had to be from my splits. So basically, my t got a little taste of what it is like to have DID. That is one positive of this experience!

We worked down the list of the splits that had been released and figured out which ones needed to come back. There were 8.

She had me close my eyes and visualize them, and I would tell her where they were at around me. She then had me welcome them back in and slowly all eight made their way back.

After the session things started to get much better. I was gaining things back and I could read, write and do math again. I also remembered the names of people and could function more normally.

Needless to say, I am NEVER going back to that new therapist. She may work wonders for other people but she should not mess with people who have DID. She could have done some serious damage to me.

But as this week has unfolded, I am noticing little things I still cannot do. My t called me this morning and I told her this. She is going to call me back to make another appointment. We agreed that we will need to have all of the splits come back and then we can integrate the ones I no longer need. My T's way of integration has been very successful in the past and I think I should let her do it from now on.

It has been a really tough week for me and I'm so glad it is almost over.

*Bee


***NEXT POST*** Becoming Closer With My Mom (Through This Experience)

My 100th Post!

This is my 100th post on this blog! I felt like I should do something, since it is the 100th and all...

So I have decided to put ten random facts about me (because 100 is an INSANE amount!).

#1 - I LOVE roller coasters. When I get my own place in the country, I want to design and build a roller coaster in my backyard.

#2 - I love math. Sudoku is a favorite, Rubik's cubes are fun, Hi-Q is amazing. I love doing math problems for fun and math puzzles. I am constantly doing equations in my head pretty much everywhere I go.

#3 - I have an identical twin sister. She does not have DID.

#4 - I have wanted to be a teacher ever since I was about 3 years old. I love doing schoolwork/homework. I love teaching and tutoring kids and classmates.

#5 - I am currently writing a book (actually several, but I'm focusing really hard on one right now). I'm a little nervous to get it published because I don't want people knowing I wrote it, but at the same time I do... It's tough.

#6 - I write my own music on the piano and the violin. I'm working on setting up a few appointments to record some of my favorites to make a CD or two, maybe more.

#7 - I love to go on road-trips by myself or with one other person. When I'm by myself, me and all my splits have a blast! I'm sure many of you know what I mean :)

#8 - I love to take pictures. I have only taken one photography class and it was during my freshman year of high school, so I'm not like amazing at it but I think I'm pretty good. I love to scrapbook and make photo albums too.

#9 - I have never broken a bone. Everyone who knows me thinks this is a miracle, because I am constantly getting hurt somehow. I always have at least one or more bruises on me at all times. (I have one on my arm right now from running into a wall corner. It hurt! Haha)

#10 - Gilmore Girl's is my all time favorite show ever! I have watched all the episodes at least 10 times each or more. I own all the seasons so I am always watching it.

Well that's a little more randomness about me! My next post will be my explanation of what happened last week with the new therapist (that I am NEVER going back to, by the way).

I hope you all are having a great week so far!

*Bee

Wow...

So last week on Thursday (the 29th) I had a very intense experience. I want to write about it but I feel I still need to process it for a few more days before I really dive into it.

For those of you who may have come to my blog over the past few days might have noticed that my split's names have shrunken and my splits (alters) page is no longer there. This is because another therapist tried a new integration process on me and it ended very badly. Again, I will write about it soon.

Today I met with my T and we were able to bring some of the main splits back, which has been a huge blessing already and it has only been a couple of hours.

I also signed in about 10 minutes ago and saw that my blog background is no longer able to show up, so I have redone my blog. I found some bee stuff and it made me so happy! I hope you all like it too.

*Bee

P.S. Thank you to all of you who have been emailing me over the past few days. It has been a huge blessing and I appreciate it so much.