Never Again...

As promised, here is the story about what happened exactly a week ago...

My t has had me working on focusing on clearing my mind and being in a calm, relaxed state. At first I was doing it when I was alone in my room, and then I moved up to doing it when I was around family or close friends, then I moved up to doing it at different times at work and then finally learning to do it where ever I was. It took LOTS of practice and it was very hard for me at first, because clearing your mind is tough enough, but when there are 35 other people also in your mind, they have to learn too or move out of the way.

Her idea was, that once I mastered clearing my mind and relaxing, she could help me to release some of the heavy emotional baggage that I have been caring for most of my life. We had done this before, back when I was in high school, but we both felt like we needed to do it again.

About two or three weeks ago, my t met with some of her colleagues about releasing emotional stuff and one of them suggested a therapist that does this all the time. She comes highly recommended and she happened to be local - about 45 minutes from where I live.

My t brought it up with me and asked if I would be up for it. T told me she would accompany me and if I wanted, my mom could come as well.

I thought about it for a few days and thought it couldn't hurt. My t would be there so nothing would happen that I was against or was uncomfortable with, and my splits would behave since t would be there. I agreed to try it.

We made the appointment and the morning of, I became extremely nervous and anxious. My whole body was shaking and my splits were in a frenzy. I tried countless times to clear my mind and relax but I just couldn't. I was too freaked out.

My t met with the other t while my mom and I waited in the waiting room. I kept telling myself to take deep breaths but it just wasn't working. We were finally called in.

As soon as I walked into the room, I went into a full-fledged panic. There were three chairs side by side lined up against a wall, and in front of them was a table. Do you understand the need to panic?

My t pulled me aside and said I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to. She reassured me that I was in full control and I had the say. Somehow I agreed to still try it.

The new therapist had me lay on the table on my back with my eyes closed. She read off different emotions and when my facial muscles would move a certain way, she knew that was an emotion I needed to release. She would then have me release it through "touch release" which is basically me putting my first fingers on certain parts of my face and visually seeing it leave my body. It may sound like a total joke but it actually worked. Even my splits were able to release stuff!

For each emotion, there would be different touch points but she never had to touch me because I had to do it.

But then she got to a point and asked me if I was ready to release my alters. I. FREAKED. OUT.

But I felt like I had no control...it was like I was in a trance and I couldn't wake up. This new therapist had me walk through this meadow in my mind and imagine a door off to the side. Then, one by one, most of my splits came to me, said goodbye - some gave words of wisdom or encouragement - and then walked through the door. This went on until I had six left.

The entire time I was bawling my eyes out. I felt like I was losing my best friends. They had been with me for years, some of them my whole life, and they were leaving.

When I finally came out of it, I was devastated. I felt weird - I was really light and my head was so clear and open - but I was severely emotional and I wanted my splits back.

My t and I went to a separate room and she asked me how I was. I didn't know what to say... I felt like a huge chunk of myself and been taken from me. I was distraught.

My t told me to drink lots of water and to call her that night so she could see how I was doing. I went home (good thing my mom had come because there was no way I would have been able to drive) and went straight to bed. I slept for hours and when I woke up, I couldn't handle my emotions.

I was crying so hard, I couldn't breathe. I was rocking back and forth, writhing on my bed. I had never felt such a big loss in my entire life. Once I settled down a little bit, I called my t.

She could tell I was not well. She asked me what I was feeling and I told her I was regretting the whole thing - going to a new therapist, releasing emotions, releasing most of my splits. She told me to go back to sleep and to call her first thing in the morning. I agreed and went back to sleep.

The next morning I was clearly dissociating more than I had ever dissociated. The six splits I had left were severely depressed and couldn't function any better than I could. But somehow when we called t, we told her we were doing better.

Friday was difficult. My mom thought I had had the best experience the day before and was so happy for me. I didn't think I could tell her how bad I was doing.

I floated through most of Friday. My parents took me out to lunch, I went shopping for hours with my mom, then went out to dinner with three of my sisters and then went to a late movie. After the movie (it was about midnight) my friend Rae texted me and asked me how my day was. I lost it... I told her it was awful.

She called and talked to me for a while, but I couldn't explain to her what had happened. She knew about my DID but there was no way I could explain what had happened to me. After we hung up, I went to my room and cried.

All of Saturday I spent trying to solve my Rubik's cube. I spent about 15 hours on that thing and I could not solve it for the life of me. This is not normal, because I can usually solve that thing in under a minute. I called my t and told her something was very wrong. I couldn't read because my dyslexia was so bad. I couldn't do any type of math. I couldn't write my books. I couldn't remember my two youngest sister's names.

My t and I talked through it and we figured out that because the other therapist had released my other splits the way she did, I now did not have access to the things they had. We made an appointment for Monday morning.

I floated through most of Sunday and put on my "happy face" for everyone. Monday finally came and it was time for "couch work".

Something that is interesting that I really want to share with you guys - I could feel some of the splits that had left around me. Almost like they were spirits. What is really interesting, is that my t had some around her too. She told me that all weekend long she kept experiencing teenager emotions and that it had to be from my splits. So basically, my t got a little taste of what it is like to have DID. That is one positive of this experience!

We worked down the list of the splits that had been released and figured out which ones needed to come back. There were 8.

She had me close my eyes and visualize them, and I would tell her where they were at around me. She then had me welcome them back in and slowly all eight made their way back.

After the session things started to get much better. I was gaining things back and I could read, write and do math again. I also remembered the names of people and could function more normally.

Needless to say, I am NEVER going back to that new therapist. She may work wonders for other people but she should not mess with people who have DID. She could have done some serious damage to me.

But as this week has unfolded, I am noticing little things I still cannot do. My t called me this morning and I told her this. She is going to call me back to make another appointment. We agreed that we will need to have all of the splits come back and then we can integrate the ones I no longer need. My T's way of integration has been very successful in the past and I think I should let her do it from now on.

It has been a really tough week for me and I'm so glad it is almost over.

*Bee


***NEXT POST*** Becoming Closer With My Mom (Through This Experience)