Random Thoughts of the Day

Today has been kind of slow... I woke up earlier than normal for a Wednesday morning and then took my sweet time getting ready. I didn't feel good at all (nauseous) so I was getting ready even slower than I normally do. Interning was good. Did some more testing and re-organized their research binder.

Now I'm just packing (to go to the grandparents) and preparing myself for my three classes tonight. I'm crossing my fingers that we get out at a decent time so I'm not driving late at night.

I was thinking earlier today about how everything of mine has a specific place or spot. I have placed each of my possessions/belongings in certain places and I notice if it has even been slightly moved. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just crazy to be like that? I don't know... Most of my things are alphabetical or in numerical order. Like my clothes are alphabetized by brand, my movies are alphabetized by title, my books are alphabetized by author, my class notes are in numerical order. I always know if one of my sisters has taken something of mine or my mom has been searching through my stuff because things won't be in the place I have "assigned" to them. My friend says most of my stuff looks like it was just randomly placed there and she wouldn't be able to tell the difference if something was moved or not. I think I may do this because I had so much taken from me growing up that I now find myself having to control and be aware of everything I have now. I don't know... I've tried to stop this insane habit but I can't help it. I do it subconsciously too. My cousin thinks I have a photographic memory because I can look at something once and remember pretty much everything exactly. It makes studying pretty easy for me. Anyway, I think I'm getting off topic now..haha.

Well I'm sorry if this post was completely pointless!

April Fools Day tomorrow...

-Bee*

No Big Deal

So today went WAY better than I originally thought.

Interning was amazing! I got to test three different students and we had so much fun! I got in a lot of good observing time and I also taught a little portion of reading. It was actually the best interning experience so far this semester!

Turns out, my therapy/counseling sessions will NOT be changing to Tuesday nights. Apparently this was just a one time thing and we will be back to Tuesday mornings. Thank goodness for that!

And tonight's session went way better than I thought. Laura was out for the first hour and I assume that went well because she is more "chipper" than usual. I was out for the last 50 minutes while we continued watching the Oprah episode. A LOT of memories and emotions and etc came up and we were able to work through them and release them. I must say I feel like a small weight has been lifted - literally - so that is good. I am feeling really sick though, which is typical after working that hard with past events/memories. I'm hoping I will feel better tomorrow.

And just a question to those of you who also have splits/alters, do you ever find yourself questioning what "time" it really is? Like you're just going about your day and suddenly you feel like you've missed months. Let me explain... Today I was driving to the store to pick up a few things and I happened to glance to the right and out of the corner of my eye I saw a pumpkin. I immediately thought "Oh my gosh! It's October already?!?!" After I calmed down, I checked my phone and it said March 30, 2010. I checked it at least 5 more times after that just to be sure! But does that ever happen? Where you suddenly have this gut-wrenching feeling where you feel like you have missed months when really you haven't? I hate it...it happens to me quite a bit. I know I really do lose time - so I'm not saying that I don't - but sometimes I THINK I lose time, but I really haven't... Ever experience that?

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm looking forward to it! :)

-Bee*

Tomorrow... Dreading It?

I'm kind of hesitant about tomorrow...

I start interning again because the kids will be back in school from spring break - but I don't think I'm ready to go back.

I start a new time for counseling/therapy and I don't know how I will do or how my splits will do.

My T wants to try something new with us tomorrow and I must admit, I am kind of freaking out about it.

I keep telling myself to take deep breath's and to let it all go... I will be fine and everything will work out. If I have a bad day, my T will be there at the end of it all to talk me through to a good place. Hopefully she won't get after me for hardly being 'out' this week... :/

Funny thing is, I'm actually in a pretty good mood right now! Weird? Yes...haha.

-Bee*

Good Crash & Burn

I woke up feeling pretty crappy this morning - my stomach pain level was about an 8 out of 10 (10 being the worst pain ever) so it was pretty bad. I went to the first part of church and then said "screw it", went home, and crashed on my bed. 5 1/2 hours later my stomach started to feel better. I actually SLEPT 5 1/2 hours! Straight! NO interruptions! It was fabulous! No, mondo-fabulous!

Needless to say, I am still lying in bed but it feels good to just lay around all day - especially when you feel like crap.

Tomorrow is my last day of "freedom" since my internship will start up again on Tuesday. Not sure what I will do... possibly sleep in unless this nap has prevented me from actually sleeping tonight. Maybe Benadryl will do the trick...

Sweet dreams,
Bee*

Who Is "Me"?

I've been struggling the last few days. Usually I do quite well. I am able to go through life looking "normal" to others. I go to school, I have two jobs, I also have an internship. But there are days when my splits and I just have too many memories or emotions built up inside that seep over and I find myself swimming in the past.

I feel like being a multiple means you are always living in the past - in one form or another. And sometimes I feel there are only two options. Either you integrate everybody, or you have each split work through everything they are holding onto for you. I don't think it's that simple, though. Sometimes I wish it was.

Don't get me wrong, I love being unique. I love having 29 other people who are always there for me. We can do stuff together and I'm hardly ever bored. But like all relationships, you hit your rough patches. There are times when you just need a little space - maybe some time apart. Being a multiple, you can't just have "alone time" or a little space. You're stuck together.

Lately, I have been trying to figure out who I am. And I don't know what that means exactly. Do I find who I am, splits and all? Or is it just me? And who is just "me"? Am I really even my own person? I have always had at least a couple of splits around, even when I was a tiny little thing. So how do I find "me"?

-Bee*

Foggy

Today has been hard for me. I don't know if it is this time of year or what, but I can't seem to stay out long enough to make sense of things. There is so much switching going on that there is no short term memory in place and it has been giving me trouble all day. I don't even feel like I'm making sense right now.

I have had the hardest time today remembering how to do the simplest tasks and what people tell me do to at work. Oh man is it bad! Today was just not a good day for me... I feel like I used to when I was younger - how time would just cease to exist. How I would be in one moment and then suddenly end up somewhere else with little to no clues. All day I have been piecing together the missing puzzle parts and once I finally start to make sense of something, I lose more time. I hope this is making sense.

I'm not sure if this is happening because of lack of sleep, or being so sick, or this certain time of year or a combination of all of these. It's frustrating... and it is bad enough that my mom expects me to be "normal" and that the majority of the people in my life don't even know I'm a multiple. I have been making up excuses all day on why I'm so "scattered" and "lost" and "in my own world". I don't even know if I have eaten today. I'm not hungry, so I assume someone has been eating for us.

Sorry if this post makes NO sense...I just needed to vent to someone who will listen and understand. Maybe this will all be better in the morning...

-Bee*

Scatterbrained but Excited!

I have been so scatterbrained today. I have been having trouble sleeping and of course last night I go NO sleep whatsoever. So today at work I was like a zombie. I was so out of it that I didn't have the energy to listen to my ipod. Weird? Yes.

It probably doesn't help that I am co-conscious with several alters who are constantly switching...

But at lunch I got an interesting phone call.

Last semester and the semester before, I took a creative fiction writing class because I am working on a few novels and I just wanted to learn a few tips and meet other aspiring writers. Anyway, a lady from my classes called me at lunch, and asked me if I would like to submit one of my stories to a journal her and our teacher are putting together to publish. I said YES! I was so honored that they thought of me and liked my work enough to publish it in their journal. So I will be working really hard the next couple of days to get that all in order. I don't know any of the details yet but I should get them fairly soon. It's so awesome!!

And today is my Gramma's birthday so we are going to celebrate, so I have to cut this short...

I'm so excited!!

-Bee/Laura/Lynn/MaRae

Update On My New Littles

All I can do is laugh at this point. Trying to get to know my two new splits has been quite the adventure and it has only been 24 hours!

Cily, the three year old, is blind. This causes some problems within because she can't see anything. The other splits are trying to get used to being with her almost all the time. They have set up a schedule of who is with her at which times and they rotate. But she is the cutest little thing. She hardly talks at all. She loves to give hugs. She thinks my 17 year old sister is "too loud". Overall, it has been a good experience so far.

Tuesday, the eight year old, has the exact opposite vision prescription as me. Apparently, she was co-conscious with me when I got up this morning. Our eyes could not focus at all and I kept falling over and getting really dizzy. But I couldn't help but laugh! She is very reserved, but smart. She knows her stuff! She tends to hang out with the older splits, and she reminds me of me when I was her age. She can carry on some pretty interesting conversations and she LOVES to doodle. I have been finding random doodles on almost all of my notes and notepads. It's kind of nice to have that little surprise :) I just hope it doesn't annoy me one day.

All in all, this experience has been really good so far. My splits have been working at making the new littles feel welcome and introducing them to things and showing them around. I really hope this continues!

Good Session

I was finally able to meet with my T this morning - and it was a GOOD session. I was actually able to talk! Before I knew it, two hours had gone by and it was time to go.

We were able to talk about my mom. One of my assignments this week is to talk to her about boundaries and what I need to do for myself to heal and to get better. My other assignment is trying to figure out how to tell my parents about my Grandma C. That will be even harder than talking to my mom about my boundaries...

So now I am sitting out home, trying to figure out when I can bring up either subject. Both are going to be so hard for me, but I keep telling myself that if I just do it then I will be better off. At least, I sure as h*** hope so.

Also during the session today, we discovered two new splits: Tuesday (8) and Cily (3) (pronounced "silly", and her full name is Cecilly). We don't know much more about them than that, but I will be trying to get to know them over the week and hopefully I will have some more to post about them! I guess that means we are up to 29 instead of 27... I am hoping and praying it doesn't cause any problems within, because I'm too sick to have to deal with more contention and such.

And I guess next week is the week we change to meeting at night. I think I am more okay with the idea now, even though it still bothers me a little. Something else to get used to I suppose. My T said we are going to have an "Oprah marathon", whatever that means... I'm not sure whether to be terrified or I don't know. I have done really good the past couple of weeks when we watch bits and pieces of the episode and then release what comes up, but I'm not sure about watching a huge chunk all at once. I guess we will just have to see how that goes.

I'm getting sleepy (hooray!) so I'm going to go to bed. Hopefully I will actually sleep tonight!

Good Weekend

If you have been reading my blog, you know that I have been out of town for the past couple of days. Let me just say, I didn't realize how badly I needed to have this little "getaway vacation" until I got there.

My friend and I had a blast! We were able to catch up, have several girl talks, go shopping, hang out with other friends, watch movies, and just hang out. At times I felt my splits trying to switch with me but for the most part it went really well. I have been in a great mood, and.... I LAUGHED! Like really laughed, several times! Man did it feel good to just let go and feel happy. It was such a good idea to go.

But now I am back at home...and already hating it. I know I shouldn't be so negative about it, but it just keeps getting worse here and I feel like no one realizes how bad it has gotten. I am now more motivated than ever to move out.

I finally heard from my therapist on Friday night. Apparently her two younger kids had gotten sick that day and by that afternoon she had caught what they had. So she told me that's why she never called back, because she didn't think it would be good to see her and have the possibility of me getting sick. I still think it would have been considerate to have at least called, or even e-mailed, that she couldn't meet. But, nonetheless, we have a session set up for tomorrow morning. I'm sure it will be very interesting...

When I was with my friend this weekend, we kept talking about random things and such and something came up that I thought was rather funny... She had been looking for something for about 30 minutes on Saturday and still could not find it. She turned to me and said "You know when you know you have something but cannot find it?!" I just laughed and said, "You have NO idea..."

It made me think of all the times my splits have used something of ours and placed it somewhere other than its designated area/place and then I spend hours or days or weeks trying to find whatever was misplaced. Sometimes I wonder if I would have such a hard time finding things if I didn't have any splits.

I feel like I have so much more to write, but nothing is flowing out right now so I will end this post for now and I may write another later. Maybe after my classes tonight.

I hope everyone is doing well.