Oprah

I don't watch Oprah. Back in high school - senior year - I had a nanny-ing job after school everyday. I had a half day so I had lots of time to watch people's kids. Anyway... The kids I would watch would take a nap right after lunch, and Oprah just happened to start around that time so I would watch the show just to pass the time. Since then, I haven't watched a single one of her shows.

My therapist recorded an Oprah show a couple of weeks ago - the one where Oprah interviews the child molester's. A chill just crawled up my spine. Three weeks ago, she asked me how I felt about watching parts of the show with her and then talking about the memories that would come up from watching it. At first I was kind of freaked out. Who wants to watch child molester's and abusers when you have been abused over and over and over again by people just like them? She told me to think about it and we would talk about it the next week.

Two weeks ago, I decided to give it a try, so during the session we watched about the first 10 - 15 minutes. The entire time I felt frozen and I felt like I was being suffocated...slowly. She kept pausing it, allowing me to breathe and collect myself which I must admit was greatly appreciated. We worked on breathing and releasing the memories that had come up and then she sent me on my way.

I thought I was going to be soooo sick and so dysfunctional for the rest of the day. Much to my surprise, it was almost the complete opposite. I felt amazing, re-energized, and all of the splits were good and happy.

Last week I was actually looking forward to watching more of that Oprah show. Again, the rest of my day was great. I actually was able to cope better with memories that came up during the week.

Today, we watched more of the Oprah show and it was very hard for me. We got to the part where the four of them were talking about how they chose their victims and it just made me feel so sick. It did help me to understand from my many abuser's point of views, but still... I ended up throwing up a bunch when I got home. Not fun... I hope next week isn't as intense.

The splits are doing okay. Some of the little ones aren't allowed to watch the show with us, because it could cause severe problems for me and the others and I don't have much of a support group to lean on if they do freak out. Most of the people who know I have DID don't understand how all my personalities are different ages and that some of them are so young - which means they need extra affection and care from others, and when you are fully grown, it could be awkward.

My therapist also brought something else up today in the session. She asked me if I would be up to having a session with my parents there. Of course my immediate response was NO WAY! But she wants me to think about it. That is one of my assignments for the week.