Tetherball

When I was younger, I was obsessed with Tetherball. You know, the ball that is tethered to a pole that is in the ground? You play against one other person and both of you try to be the first one to get the ball wrapped around the pole in your favor - meaning you win the game. I was a master at this game. No one ever beat me - no one could. All the other kids would challenge me but I always won. All the teachers challenged me but I always won. You're probably thinking, "Oh, they just went easy on you Bee!" Not so. They went easy at first until they saw how good I was, and then they put all they had into the game. But they still lost.

For years, I would practice tetherball every day after school, on weekends, on holidays, on school breaks, at night, before school. Pretty much every waking moment I wasn't required to be somewhere else or be doing something else. But I hardly ever practiced with someone else. I would play with one of my splits - whoever wanted to at the time. I would play and then we would switch and they would play and then I would switch and I would play, etc. At the time, I didn't know what I was doing - switching with my splits. I just thought it was a game that I had come up with.

On vacations I wouldn't have access to a tetherball so I would make them. I would use a long stick and bring a ball tied to a string. In my room I had a four-poster twin bed and I would unscrew one of the bed poles and tie my string with a ball on the end to the other bed pole and practice in my room. I was obsessed.

Why am I telling you this? I'm not exactly sure... I just felt like I needed to.

I think this was one of the ways I survived when I was younger. I wasn't a very social child because I was so broken and afraid. I preferred to play alone, to be alone. I used my imagination to create other worlds and other people who loved me, accepted me, and who didn't hurt me. Must be why I am writing so many books at the moment...Gotta catch up in writing what I've already thought of!

Ahhh...anyway. Today has been a little better. I love the new girl at work. She is SO much better than the gal she replaced.

Still worried about the "integrating at night" thing. I really need to e-mail my T about it...


-Bee*

Still Thinking...

I am still really struggling with what my T suggested I do at night - the "integrating to sleep" thing... I appreciate the comments and the e-mails I have gotten in response to my last post. I still have not tried it and I don't think I'm going to. I have talked to some of my main splits about it and they definitely do not think it is a good idea. Especially because of some of the things a few of the splits are going through right now. It would not be good to meld together at night. And after Tempy's comment on my last post, I don't even think a temporary integration would be possible.

All day I have also been thinking about how "weak" I am sometimes. I always let people have their way. I don't argue with people. If someone has a very different opinion than mine, I find myself nodding in agreement with them and not expressing my own views. I don't know why I do this... Sometimes it really bothers me that I can't speak up for myself. I guess I just don't want to make anyone else feel bad or embarrassed.

I find myself doing this in my sessions with my T. When she says things, I just nod and go along with them. I rarely go against what she is saying, even when I know she is a little off or maybe totally wrong altogether. It really bugs me. And this last session, I wish I could have been more persistent in letting her know how much this "integrating at night" thing really bothers me - it freaks me out!

I keep going to write her an e-mail about how I feel, but I keep deleting it. I don't know what my problem is. I know she won't be mad at me or hate me for writing her how I feel. She would actually be really glad that I am expressing how I truly feel. But I just can't bring myself to write it out and send it.

Ahhhh I feel so stressed out right now over this "integrating at night" issue. It just seems so wrong... I don't know why but it does.

Maybe I should go watch some TV or a movie to get my mind off things...

-Bee*

Integrating At Night...?

I really need some opinions about this...

I felt like I was being attacked in therapy today, but not in a bad way. Usually when I feel like that, it means we're getting to the "bottom" or the "root" of a problem and I'm being "called out" on it - which I don't like. I don't think anybody really does. We talked a lot about boundaries in general, but especially my boundaries with my mom and Grandma C. We worked on how I should set up my boundaries with them. I felt so small...

We talked a little bit about my mom and my post from last Wednesday. She said a lot of it has to do with boundaries. She pointed out that I had hardly any boundaries with my mom on that trip. I think that is because I didn't know I could. I guess on that trip I felt like my mom had a right to know, just because she was my mom. But now that I look back on it, if I don't want her to know something about me then I can say it's none of her business. Last year, I didn't know I had that kind of power.

So now I have this new sense of safety. If my mom starts questioning me now, I can just say "it's none of your business". I don't have to explain myself. I don't have to feel like a victim. I don't have to tell my mom anything I don't want to. I can feel safe. I can feel in control. It's a really good feeling.

My T also talked to me about setting boundaries with Grandma C. Whenever she says something that is totally out of line, I can say to her "Grandma, that was uncalled for" or "Grandma, that was out of line" or "Grandma, it is none of your business" or "Grandma, please don't talk to me like that or say those things to me" ... etc. I don't feel as comfortable telling it to my Grandma C, but I still have something to say when she does talk to me.

My T kept telling me all throughout the session "the possibilities are endless". She told me that anything was possible for me. She suggested that I make a list of all of my dreams. A bucket-list, if you will. I thought it was a good thing for me to start working on. I need to be looking forward to more things in my life.

It reminds me of something she told me about 4 years ago during a session: "If it is important to you, you will make it happen." I have never forgotten that quote. It lets me know that there is always hope - that there is always something I can do to make my life better.

This session today was really hard for me. We were switching like crazy, so T kept having to re-explain things to me or re-tell me things. It was very frustrating on my end, just because I couldn't stay out long enough to really grasp most of what we were talking about.

My T also brought up my sleep issue. I haven't slept in like 3 weeks, I think she said. She wants us to try something new - and quite honestly, I think it is near impossible in my situation. Tell me what you think...

My T wants us to try integrating, ONLY AT NIGHT. She wants everyone to meld together as one person and then we go to sleep. When we wake up, we separate again. She wants to see if this type of integration would help with my sleeping problems. If it does, she thinks it will be answer to all of us multiple's out there who have difficulty with sleeping.

Now, this is why I think this will be nearly impossible, if not entirely impossible. I have a few of my splits that are terrified of the word "integration" or "melding together". Upon hearing that word they go ballistic, pretty much like it is the end of the world. I just don't see any way they would agree to being integrated or "melded together" just at night.
Also, we have kind of tried this in the past. When we integrate before everyone is ready to be integrated, it is hell. Everyone's emotions, feelings, past abuse, pain, etc all gets jumbled up together and it creates mass chaos and anxiety levels go up for everyone. We end up having horrific nightmares and all kinds of problems. So this is why I do not think that "integrating just for sleeping" is a good idea.

I tried to tell my T this, but she is convinced that I haven't tried this before. She thinks it is a completely new thing and that we must try just in case it is the "cure" for my sleep issues. After I halfheartedly fought her on this, I gave up. I will try it just so I can say I have, and then move on.

I am afraid to try it though... I just cannot see how this may be positive - except for the fact that "it could cure all multiples" according to my T.

What do you guys think about "integrating just at night" for better sleeping outcomes?


-Bee*

Tomorrow Has Finally Come

This week has been....I don't even know. It has never taken a week this long to pass. I just have to hold on a little bit longer until I see T in the morning. Oh we will have so much to talk about...I just hope I don't freeze and forget what I want to say.

Today went okay. I was really spacey and we're still switching like crazy. And I still haven't been able to sleep so that isn't good.

Interning was strange...I think I lost a lot of time today while I was there because I didn't follow anything that was going on. I kind of just let the splits do their thing and it went well, considering.

My night classes seemed to drag on forever. I'm so glad next Monday is my last day in both of them!

Only five more classes and then the semester is OVER!

Well I'm gonna call it a day I suppose. I hope you all are doing well.

-Bee*

Waiting for "That Day"

So I wrote a post earlier that was like this "break-through revelation" and I saved it to come back to it later and...it's not here. It is not in my drafts, not with my other posts, not in any of my splits blogs drafts. It is no where to be found. So I am stuck with posting this because there is no way that I will be able to duplicate it...

Today was better than yesterday but I'm still not doing so good. I keep hoping for things to get better, for my health to suddenly be good, for my splits to all be getting along, and to be able to focus and be as "normal" as possible. But I am stuck in this place where my health isn't so good, my splits are not doing so great, I cannot focus to save my life, and my family is driving me to the point of insane. Sometimes I just really wish for that day where everything will just work out. A day where I don't have any body memories or triggers or memory loss or excruciating pain. A day where my family supports me and accepts me for who I am. Is it bad to wish for such a day? Is it crazy or unrealistic?

I find myself still hoping for such a day. For "that day".

-Bee*

Floating Through Reality

I think The People Behind My Eyes put it just right in their blog post today. "...when you’re taxed and feel stretched too thin it only takes one tiny thing to tip you right over into crazy unreasonable." I feel like almost everyone I have come into contact today, I have snapped at them for something. I just need to be alone for a while...but no one seems to understand how badly I need that right now.

These past few days have been total h*ll for me... Luckily I got to stay with my grandparents Wed through last night (Fri). It was a much needed break from my mom. My last post totally threw me for a loop. Who knew I was still mad at my mom for that? Not I.

My sister Renee was being a witch earlier today. She kept trying to tell me that I'm "crazy". Renee, Brooke, Bri and I were all in the kitchen earlier making what we wanted for lunch, and Renee starts singing a song. Some of my splits get really irritated when she sings, and I knew if I didn't say something then one of them would come out and yell at her or something. So I calmly told her, "Renee, can you not sing that song right now?" She instantly started singing another song, so again I said, "Renee, please stop singing that song right now." She looked at me and said, "You just told me twice to stop singing the same song." It was clearly two different songs... The first one was a rock song and the second one was a country song. I pointed this out to her and she said, "Oh, you're just crazy. One of your weird personalities was probably out and it made you crazier." I wanted to smack that girl so hard!

Lately Renee has been giving me so much crap about my personalities. She used to be so supportive and understanding, and now she is treating me like I'm crap. I don't know why she is doing this but I have a feeling it will only get worse. I've even called her out on it and she pretends like I'm crazy and that she's not doing anything. BUT SHE IS doing something! Grrrr.

I created a Twitter page today, if that's what you call it? It is really confusing so hopefully it will get easier...haha.

My mind is so foggy right now. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel like I'm just floating through reality without any real tangible thing to hold me here. It is hard to "see" and hard to feel. I'm in so much physical pain from my illness and so much emotion pain from my mom and past abuse. I feel so alone right now. I hope I can make it to Tuesday. I really need to see and talk to T. The switching is happening so much, especially this past week. I can't remember hardly anything unless it is written down so I can keep going back to it. I wish I could sleep. I don't know how long it has been...at least 2 weeks, maybe 3? I can't keep going on like this. Something needs to change...I just wish I could figure out how to change it.


-Bee*

Trapped; Alone; Forgotten

Today has been really rough for me. I have been dissociating so badly that I cried two different times today. For those of you who know me, I never cry. I have not felt this out of control in a very long time.

I have also been haunted with the memory of a trip I took with my mom and my sister Renee last year at the end of April. Renee was playing club volleyball and they had a big tournament in California. My mom really wanted to go but she didn't want to drive all the way there by herself, so she asked me to accompany her. At the time, I was done with my classes on Thursday morning, so we had decided to leave right after I got home from class.

I was so excited to go to California. I hadn't been on a trip in a while (at the time) because I had been so sick. At the time, I was on a strict liquid and smoothie diet because my body could not handle solid foods. I couldn't do any physical activity because I could pass out and possible go into a coma - not good. My mom also had gotten tickets for the three of us to go to Knotts Berry Farm after the last game on Sunday morning. I had never been to Knotts Berry Farm and I LOVE LOVE LOVE roller coasters. I guess "excited" isn't a big enough word to describe what I felt.

All of my friends knew I was going and how excited I was. I talked about it for weeks before and everyone was so happy for me.

The big day came to leave for CA. We packed the car and started the drive.

Not even ten minutes had gone by when my mom said, "Why do you have multiple personalities? You were only molested a little bit like once."

I felt like she had hit me with her SUV. I sat there in stunned silence.

Memories flooded me with all of the abuse that I had remembered up to that point in time. I felt trapped and helpless. My sister was in the van with her team, which left me alone in this horrible situation.

My mom continued to nag me and question me, leaving me to defend everything I was saying. Every question had an accusation tied to it. Every word had a bitter taste. I wanted to fling myself out the car door onto the highway.

After three hours of torture, we finally pulled off to get some lunch and gas for the car. As soon as the car stopped I made a run for the bathroom. I did not want to leave that smelly, tiny cramped space. But I was sure that my mom would notice if I never left.

I collected myself and went out to join her for lunch. I sipped my Apple Juice quietly while she STILL continued to question me, right there in the fast food restaurant!

We continued our journey to CA. She then started to question about which split was out when during my high school years. "Which one didn't like to do family things? Which one always lied? Which one said *this*? Which one did *this*? Which one was depressed? Which one was suicidal? Which one was friends with so and so?" On and on and on. My response became "I don't know" or "I don't remember". The sad thing was, after all the questions about which one was this or that, half of them had been me. I felt like she blamed my splits for all the "bad things" she didn't like about me. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that some of those times it was me. I felt completely horrible.

When those questions were exhausted, she began naming every male relative and every male acquaintance who could have hurt me/abused me. "What about *this person*? Did he hurt you? Did he do something to you? Did you tell someone he was doing it? Why didn't you tell someone? Didn't you know it was wrong? Did he threaten you?" On and on and on. I gave her the least bit of information I could. And then after all this, she had the nerve to ask... "Are you sure you didn't make this all up?"

ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?!?!

I wanted to scream. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted so badly to get out of the horrible situation I was put into. I HATED THIS.

I couldn't even speak I was so upset and appalled and offended. How could a 3 year old make something up like that? How could any 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 year old make up that kind of stuff? I remember sitting next to my grandmother when I was 2 years old, TWO YEARS OLD. She was reading to me and I saw something in the book that made me think of the man who was hurting me at the time, but I didn't know how to say it. I didn't know how to say what I was feeling so I just started crying. I cried for a long time and my grandmother just held me.

I said to my mom, "Why would you say something like that?"
Her reply, "Well, did you make it up?"

She wonders why we have such a crappy relationship. The main reason, I feel like she doesn't trust me and I feel like she thinks I made up all of my abuse, my DID, my depression, my suicidal problems, my pain, etc.

Six hours later, we were finally in CA but not close to our destination. I was exhausted, extremely upset, and very numb. We pulled up to the gas station on the border next to the van my sister was in. I jumped out and ran to the van and grabbed my sister.

"She is questioning me to NO END," I whispered in her ear. Her eyes went big and she said "Oh my gosh, really?" She gave me a hug and told me she was so so sorry. I wish I could have drug her back to the car with me for some kind of buffer, but she couldn't. Her coach said she had to ride with the team. She apologized profusely, gave me another hug, and climbed back into the van. I slowly sauntered back to the car.

The next questioning session began. She somehow managed to figure out most of my abusers from the previous list of males she had come up with. She then came to the conclusion that, "Okay, so it was all of dad's side of the family or friends from dad's side of the family. So my family is the good side, right?" This time I glared at her. I did not answer the question. I may not get along with my dad, but I didn't find this accusation to be fair to him. It is not his fault that his family is so messed up and that my mom's family is not as messed up.

It started to get dark outside, which made the inside of the car dark enough for me to silently cry. After bottling up all of these feelings and emotions, I had to release them before I did something I would regret. But unfortunately the darkness did not stop her questioning.

Mom: "Why didn't you ever tell me what was going on?"
Me: "I did, mom, more than once."
Mom: "When?"
Me: "When I was 7, *he* was molesting me in the family room and I heard you come into the kitchen. I ran to you and I told you he was touching me and I didn't like it. And then you laughed at me."
Mom: "I don't remember that."

Of course you didn't... How convenient for you.

Me: "I also told you when *he 2* was living with us. I told you I didn't want him there and I didn't want him to babysit us when you and dad would leave. I begged you several times."
Mom: "Did you tell me what he was doing to you?"
Me: "He threatened me mom. Of course I couldn't tell you. I thought by telling you I didn't want him there anymore that you would listen to me."
Mom: "I don't remember that."

I didn't voice that I had given up telling her after that. My 9 year old self could not get through to anyone. My mom was not the only person I tried to tell. I also tried to tell my best friend at the time, who said I was crazy because he was so nice to all of the kids. I also tried to tell my teacher who said I was lying to get attention. I also tried to tell my aunt who pretty much ignored me after that. I tried to tell my mom so many times from when I was about 7 to when I was almost 10, and each time she either dismissed it like it was nothing, or she would laugh it off. I gave up after that. If nobody cared then I must not be worth anything.

Finally, we sat in silence for about a half an hour. All I could think about was how would I survive with my mom for a whole weekend, just the two of us. My sister would have to stay with her team the whole time until the end of their last game. I didn't know what to do. I felt so trapped and so alone. Nobody could help me. It was like I was a little kid again - trapped and alone with no where to turn.

The rest of the weekend continued to be my mom demanding me to tell her things, questioning me to death, and accusing me of making it all up. I cried myself to sleep every single night.

And she wonders why we have such a crappy relationship right now.

At the time I didn't know how to set boundaries. I was just barely starting to "walk on my own two feet" again, so to speak. Sometimes I wonder how different that trip could have been if I had known how to set those boundaries.

I had never been so happy to see Renee after her game on Sunday morning. I literally stayed by her side the entire day at Knotts Berry Farm. I tried my hardest not to talk to my mom and focused on trying to have fun. Those roller coasters were like much needed drugs. I finally felt free for those few seconds on each ride. At closing, we left and went back to the hotel. Early Monday morning, we headed back home.

With my sister in the car, my mom didn't dare ask me anymore questions. I still felt completely horrible and I cried most of the way home. I had never cried so much at any point in my life until that weekend.

And then when we got home, my mom had the nerve to ask, "So did you have fun?"

She asked me that at least 15 more times after that. And each time, I lied and said "Yes."

Ever since that California trip with my mom, our relationship has been really bad. I know I still blame her for that weekend. I thought I worked through all of it but clearly from writing this post I have not forgiven her. No wonder I snap at her every time she comes near me. She acts like nothing is wrong - that she did nothing wrong.

But she did. She did do something wrong. A mom should not treat her daughter like she is a liar. A mom should stick by her daughter. A mom should defend her daughter. A mom should stick up for her daughter. But instead she accused me of lying, of making it all up. How am I supposed to forgive her for that?

And now my T wants me to talk to my mom about boundaries, about our relationship, about where we are at right now. And I can't do that. It's too much for me. I don't want my mom to do those things to me again, to say those awful things. I'm afraid of her and I shouldn't be. I feel so betrayed and worthless when I am around her, and I don't want to.

I talked to my mom shortly after this trip - about how she made me feel and about how much I hated the trip. She apologized and said she didn't mean to hurt me, but it didn't feel like she really meant it. It sounded like she was just saying it to dismiss me. But I was too torn up at the time to fight it, so I let it go.

Apparently, it is still haunting me.

I don't know why I suddenly started thinking about this trip today. I've only told my sister Bri about it in this much detail. I told most of my friends that I had had a blast on the trip, and I have never felt so horrible about lying.

The sad thing is, after writing it all out, I still feel absolutely horrible. I just wish I could make things right with my mom. I wish we could be friends like we used to be when I was younger. I wish my mom would try to understand me, my pain, my splits, my abuse, my suffering, my everything - but she won't. She wants me to be "normal" so badly that she is willing to make me miserable until I act the way she wants me to.

I don't want to act "normal" anymore. I don't want to be the perfect daughter that I'm clearly not. I want her to see me for who I am.

Is that too much to ask?


-Bee*

P.S. I'm sorry for this ridiculously long post, but I really needed to share this with someone else. I hope this explains why I have such a hard time with my mom...

What is Going On?

I saw my T today, thank goodness. I feel like my whole world is spinning... We're switching like crazy and I haven't slept for about 2 weeks now if I remember right. I can't remember if I have eaten or not so I end up over-eating or not eating at all, depending on if a split had eaten something or not. I think I would actually care more about all of this if I could think straight, but the fatigue and the switching is preventing me from doing all of that.

T wasn't all that helpful though... She is doing this 40 day cleanse thing and today was day 5 so she wasn't able to think very well, but I think just seeing her today was good for us. We have so many assignments to work on for T this week, I'm not sure when we will be able to do them.

A new split popped up yesterday. Totally bizarre experience though! My sister Ruthie was in the kitchen with me and she said something in Spanish, like "thank you" or something like that. I don't know very much Spanish... I know "hola", "cabasa", "casa", "si", "no" and "buenos diaz" (I don't even know if I spelled any of those right!). But once Ruthie said whatever she said in Spanish, I rambled off a sentence in Spanish like I was fluent in it! And as soon as I said it, I said "what does that mean?" Ruthie gave me the strangest look and then started laughing. That's when I realized that there was a new split.

I'm told though that she isn't new, she was just in a deeper level for a long time. Tayela said she was one of the first splits that I created when I was little. Her name is Quinn. She is very vibrant and full of life and loves to talk. The inside of my head seems to be constantly bubbling with her voice. Good thing she knows English or else I would be going crazy just wondering what the heck she is saying!

During the session today my T realized that the only way I am going to get better physically and mentally is to work with each split individually so they can work through what they hold onto for me. My T says that would take up so much time and it would mean that I won't be out very much. She doesn't like that I won't be out very much because she says we get the most work done when I'm out. She wants to try to figure out a way we can do it co-consciously, but then I brought up the concern about remembering things that I have repressed. It's all a big mess and I'm kind of stressed out about it. I don't want to get really ill from all of their baggage since I'm already sick, but I don't see how else they can work on their stuff unless I'm not out at all.

I have a lot to think about this week and a lot of figuring out to do. Spring is just not a good time of year for me...

I also find myself "faking it" more than usual lately. And by that I mean I act "normal" or even "happy" around other people so they will think that I am okay and have no worries, when I'm really feeling like crap and I just want to hide. I almost can't help it though. It's like my 'automatic pilot' mode that kicks into gear as soon as I walk out of my bedroom or out of my house. I should have done a longer session today with T... Too much to talk about and not enough time.

I should be okay until I see her again next week but sometimes I wish I could just talk to someone besides her during the week. Someone who will just listen to what I'm going through and provide the comfort of support and friendship. My best friend B is usually the one I talk to but she has two kids and one on the way so she isn't always available. My other best friend L doesn't even know I have DID so I can't really talk to her about this stuff. *sigh*

It does feel good to write out my thoughts on here, though. It's just hard sometimes because I feel alone when I don't see the people I am actually talking to.

T also mentioned that she really wants to have a session with my parents - soon. I almost had a full-on panic attack. I really don't want to do it. It would be too much for me to handle. Neither one of them will understand me, no matter if we have a special session or not. I also don't want to tell them about my abuse. I have already tried to and what they know from the little I have told them has done no good. I'm still freaking out about it...

Wake Up, Mom

Today has been pretty okay I guess. I woke up in less pain than the morning before, so that's good. I only got about 45 minutes of sleep, though, so I've been extremely exhausted.

I'm still switching like crazy, so my memory is shot and I have no clue if I've eaten today. I feel like I'm not even living right now. It's like I'm floating through different worlds, not really choosing to land in any of them but rather to see them pass by. It's a very surreal experience.

And I am currently fed up with my mom. She doesn't understand that I'm going through some really hard things right now. She is in her own world where everything is neat and perfect and nothing could possibly go wrong - and I am the perfect daughter who doesn't have DID or any history of abuse. I just want to say WAKE UP MOM! I freaking have DID and I was abused! A lot! Gosh, I wish she would just open her eyes and see what's in front of her!

So no, I haven't tried talking to her again... I really need to but I also feel like I need to be in the right mindset to talk to her. Right now things are too crazy and I don't even know what is going on inside of my head. I don't think the splits know either.

I have a really difficult project to complete that is due in two or three weeks. I don't even know where to start... I cannot wait until summer. Then I can focus on work and writing my novels. Just three more weeks. Just three more weeks...


-Bee*

Crazy Days

Wow it has been a crazy couple of days. I have been dissociating like crazy and I can't figure out how to stop switching so much.

Thursday at work I was so scatterbrained and so switchy that I don't remember much. I do remember, however, how hard it was to remember everything I had to do and sometimes I would come back and not even realize I was still at work. Not good...not good at all.

Friday was a little better but not by much. I was switching like crazy all morning long but by the afternoon I wasn't switching as much. I feel like I have no control over when I switch - none whatsoever. It's a horrible feeling when you really are trying to be out more.

Friday night was my date! He is super nice and pretty funny. He got me laughing quite a few times. We went to this big singles event (about 2000 singles from the valley) - it was like a sports night. We played volleyball and ultimate Frisbee. I am pretty decent at volleyball. I have a killer serve that I am quite proud of. And the rest of the time (while not serving) I can hit it back over the net. The only weird thing is, is that I get really bad looking bruises on the insides of my arms after playing for any amount of time. Right now, I have really bruised up arms. It's a pretty cool souvenir. Ultimate Frisbee was definitely interesting. I had never played before - mainly because I can't throw or catch a Frisbee to save my life. One of the other guys that was playing with us threw the Frisbee straight at my forehead. It hurt. Today I have a nice bruise right above my eye. I probably look like I was beaten up last night! We had so much fun though and we got to talk quite a bit. Afterward, we went to Bahama Bucks and got smoothies. It was sooo yummy. I can't remember the last time I went there. (Later I got really sick from it, but it was worth it :) )

After we were done with our smoothies, he took me home and gave me a hug on my porch. I had a lot of fun. Even if we don't go out again, I would like to be friends. He is a pretty good guy.

And today, Saturday, I went on a huge shopping spree with my sisters, Brooke and Bri. I had to borrow a shirt from Bri for my date because I haven't gone shopping in almost a year so I told them I had to get some new clothes. I ended up getting 6 new shirts, 2 dresses (so not like me since I HATE wearing dresses but these ones were just so cute!) and a new pair of shoes. It was a GREAT day! I got something at every store and I tried on so many things I liked that I decided not to get because I didn't want to go broke.

Now I have to catch up on the butt load of homework that has accumulated over the week. I haven't had a chance to do it because I have been so busy! Only three weeks left of the semester - thank goodness! I am so ready for a long summer break, even if I will be working full time.

I have also been extremely exhausted. I haven't been sleeping very much. I was so tired this morning that it took me about three hours to get myself out of bed. I missed going running because I was way too tired to even think straight. It has been strange... I think with all the switching going on, no one is able to sleep and it is not good. I'm hoping to be able to sleep tonight so I won't be completely dead tomorrow.

I hope you all are having a good weekend!

-Bee*