I really need some opinions about this...
I felt like I was being attacked in therapy today, but not in a bad way. Usually when I feel like that, it means we're getting to the "bottom" or the "root" of a problem and I'm being "called out" on it - which I don't like. I don't think anybody really does. We talked a lot about boundaries in general, but especially my boundaries with my mom and Grandma C. We worked on how I should set up my boundaries with them. I felt so small...
We talked a little bit about my mom and my post from last Wednesday. She said a lot of it has to do with boundaries. She pointed out that I had hardly any boundaries with my mom on that trip. I think that is because I didn't know I could. I guess on that trip I felt like my mom had a right to know, just because she was my mom. But now that I look back on it, if I don't want her to know something about me then I can say it's none of her business. Last year, I didn't know I had that kind of power.
So now I have this new sense of safety. If my mom starts questioning me now, I can just say "it's none of your business". I don't have to explain myself. I don't have to feel like a victim. I don't have to tell my mom anything I don't want to. I can feel safe. I can feel in control. It's a really good feeling.
My T also talked to me about setting boundaries with Grandma C. Whenever she says something that is totally out of line, I can say to her "Grandma, that was uncalled for" or "Grandma, that was out of line" or "Grandma, it is none of your business" or "Grandma, please don't talk to me like that or say those things to me" ... etc. I don't feel as comfortable telling it to my Grandma C, but I still have something to say when she does talk to me.
My T kept telling me all throughout the session "the possibilities are endless". She told me that anything was possible for me. She suggested that I make a list of all of my dreams. A bucket-list, if you will. I thought it was a good thing for me to start working on. I need to be looking forward to more things in my life.
It reminds me of something she told me about 4 years ago during a session: "If it is important to you, you will make it happen." I have never forgotten that quote. It lets me know that there is always hope - that there is always something I can do to make my life better.
This session today was really hard for me. We were switching like crazy, so T kept having to re-explain things to me or re-tell me things. It was very frustrating on my end, just because I couldn't stay out long enough to really grasp most of what we were talking about.
My T also brought up my sleep issue. I haven't slept in like 3 weeks, I think she said. She wants us to try something new - and quite honestly, I think it is near impossible in my situation. Tell me what you think...
My T wants us to try integrating, ONLY AT NIGHT. She wants everyone to meld together as one person and then we go to sleep. When we wake up, we separate again. She wants to see if this type of integration would help with my sleeping problems. If it does, she thinks it will be answer to all of us multiple's out there who have difficulty with sleeping.
Now, this is why I think this will be nearly impossible, if not entirely impossible. I have a few of my splits that are terrified of the word "integration" or "melding together". Upon hearing that word they go ballistic, pretty much like it is the end of the world. I just don't see any way they would agree to being integrated or "melded together" just at night.
Also, we have kind of tried this in the past. When we integrate before everyone is ready to be integrated, it is hell. Everyone's emotions, feelings, past abuse, pain, etc all gets jumbled up together and it creates mass chaos and anxiety levels go up for everyone. We end up having horrific nightmares and all kinds of problems. So this is why I do not think that "integrating just for sleeping" is a good idea.
I tried to tell my T this, but she is convinced that I haven't tried this before. She thinks it is a completely new thing and that we must try just in case it is the "cure" for my sleep issues. After I halfheartedly fought her on this, I gave up. I will try it just so I can say I have, and then move on.
I am afraid to try it though... I just cannot see how this may be positive - except for the fact that "it could cure all multiples" according to my T.
What do you guys think about "integrating just at night" for better sleeping outcomes?