Saturday, June 23, 2012

Silent Session - Part Two

You can read part one here.

My T and I sat and cried for a while. She would occasionally hold my hand but that seemed to make her sob even harder. Eventually – I’m not sure how much time had passed – she told me that she had to get to her next appointment. She told me that I would be physically exhausted and that I should go home and sleep the rest of the day. She also told me that I would be drained emotionally and mentally, and that I would most likely feel very ill later on. At this point, she was still crying.

I knew I couldn’t drive home – I could barely function. My T called my best friend to come pick me up. She then told me that she would call me later that day to check on me. 

My best friend stayed with me until dinner time. I didn’t sleep much, I didn’t eat – I mostly just cried and couldn’t stop thinking about the memories that had come up. My T called and talked to me very briefly. I don’t remember what she said.

***Trigger Warning***

Once my friend left, I didn’t feel safe. I buried myself in the far corner of my room and didn’t move for several hours. 

Late that night, I noticed something inside had changed. I suddenly had access to a part of my mind that I must of blocked from myself. A part of my mind that held memories surrounding events around what was brought up during the session. 

I immediately started panicking. I barely had time to process through what had just happened during my session earlier that day! There was no way in hell I was ready to start processing through even more memories around those events.

Panic attack after panic attack, continuous sobbing, pleading to whatever God above could hear me - I just wanted to feel safe in my own house.

So many things were starting to make sense; fragmented memories were piecing themselves together. I wanted this and hated it all at once. The entire night I fought against the monsters I had been trying to bury for the last 15-20 years.

The next morning I texted my T to ask if we could meet again that week. I had to be able to talk to someone about all of this. I needed to process through these memories. I needed her support. I needed to feel safe.

Her reply - "I can't this week, possibly next week?"

I stared at the text message.

She had just learned about one of my biggest secrets and she replies with "possibly"? Am I worth anything to her? Does she realize that I spent an entire night of hell by myself, scared to death, an inch away from suicidal thoughts, and she tells me "possibly"?

To be continued...

1 comment:

  1. Hi Bee,

    I just stumbled upon your blog and read this entry and also part 1. I could not simply leave without saying how deeply sorry I am for what you ahve endured. I am also sorry that your T seems a bit on/off being there for you during this time. I know what it is like to have my heart ripped open unexpectedly and watch everyone go on with their business as if nothing ever happened. Please take gentle care. I am "listening" when you want to share more. I care, for whatever that is worth.