I'm not sure where to start... I guess I'll just write.
Last week I went in for a "normal" session with my T - whatever normal is. I hadn't seen her for over 5 weeks so our plan was to just check in with everyone, set goals for the next session, work through some light issues, etc. Instead, the session turned into my T getting this overwhelming feeling that I had something I needed to share with her.
This caught me off-guard. There were several things I had been keeping from her for years - secrets that I didn't want anybody to know, but lately they had been so burdening and scary that I didn't know what to do. I was faced with the fear of "are these memories truth or fiction?"
All I could do was stare at my hands. I didn't say a word - no sounds, no tears. I just sat there.
After some time, she decided we should do some energy work. I was fine with that.
As soon as she started to pull energy off me, I started to feel very dizzy. Typically I don't feel this way and I immediately pointed this out to her. She said she also felt a little different and had me try to ground myself as best I could by placing my hand on her knee. This seemed to help a great deal, surprisingly, and I started to feel better. She, however, began to feel a bit worse.
I then started to feel an overwhelming joy - something I have very little experience with. It was like this moment of freedom. Freedom from all pain, hurt, sorrow, sadness, anger, frustration. My heart seemed to open up and embrace this amazing joyous feeling. That's when I noticed my T was sobbing, uncontrollably.
At first I was confused... I was feeling this incredible feeling of joy and happiness, and here was my T who seemed to be experiencing pain and agony. I didn't understand. All I could do was look at her and wait for her to say something... to say anything.
The energy coming off of my body was so powerful - nothing like I had ever felt before. I was releasing something huge... something I had held onto for a long time. My T finally spoke, asking me a question that I never thought anyone would ever ask me... "Were you used as a breeder during SRA rituals?"
***End Trigger Warning***
I didn't even have to answer her, because out of no where the tears finally came. The emotions I have locked inside myself for so long, the secrets, the lies, the hiding, the guilt, the shame, everything... it all came out. All I could do was sob for the younger version of me - the part of me who has held onto this secret for so long.
I have never seen my T cry so hard. She kept whispering, "Bee, I am so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry you had to go through this..." over and over again.
But the most powerful thing of the whole experience was... I didn't tell her anything.
I believe in a God - I've been struggling with religion my whole life and I currently don't claim to be a part of any specific religion... but in that moment, I don't know how else to explain how she would know something so specific. I have never talked about it. Never. No one in my life knows, except for the people who were involved and I can guarantee they didn't share this information with my T.
To be continued...