Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Fighting My Demons

I'd like to say that I'm okay, but I'm very far from being okay.

I don't know what is causing my world to come crashing down around me, but here it comes crumbling down and I can't do anything but watch it shatter around me.

A couple weeks ago I went to a normal scheduled session with my T, and I had a full blown meltdown - I had curled up into a ball in the corner of the couch and was crying. I couldn't stop. My life was too much, work was too much, all the physical pain and emotional pain was too much. I cried for two hours. My T told me that I had to choose between taking a leave of absence from work or being admitted to inpatient. I wanted neither...but decided the leave of absence would be the better route.

I went to my doctor the following day and he recommended short-term disability because my pain levels were off the charts. He told me I would not be returning to work for several weeks. I went to my other doctor and he also said short-term disability. They decided to move up my surgery.

I thought that maybe the break from work would relieve the depression and suicidal thoughts, but it has only gotten worse. I am home alone all day, causing me to become more depressed. I am on heavy duty pain medications that cause me to have even more horrific nightmares. I wake up so panicked and stressed that it causes me to be very upset, even more depressed, and suicidal. I try everything I can to erase the nightmares from my mind but they still haunt me.

I am scared to death to go to inpatient because I know that will be the worst option for me. It will destroy me and my system. That thought alone is keeping me from acting on my thoughts, but I'm still scared to death.

My best friend and my roommate know I am struggling a lot right now and they have been super supportive. But they both of them work full time and cannot always be there. I hate that I feel like I need to have someone with me all the time.

I keep hoping and praying that this will pass. I know I struggle the most during this time of the year, but I feel like this has been going on since February/March and has just been getting worse and worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not the kind of person who gives up, but if there's nothing to live for anymore, what do you do?

I don't want to freak any of you out. I don't have any plans and I have gotten rid of anything that could potentially be dangerous in my possession. There are people in my "real life" world who know and are aware of my severe depression. I am simply writing what I'm feeling on here because I feel so so so awful and upset. I just want to know I'm not alone.



  1. Sweet Bee, I'm sorry things have come to this right now! I hope you'll be able to find rest for your body and peace for you mind while you're taking this break from work. I'm glad you've gotten rid of dangers in your home and have no plans to leave us. I know personally how chronic pain and severe mental health issues can be a horribly rough combo. Hold tight, Bee!

    Sending peace and light and gentle, safe hugs!
    Kali (Michelle)

  2. We're here and listening. You know you can make it; you know you want to. Three months from now, today won't be the horrible thing it is right now. Just push through.

  3. I hate that you are going through this. I also totally understand the feeling of not wanting to go inpatient. You are not alone. I know how difficult this time of year is. It is for a lot of us out here. Please know I am thinking of you. Healing.

  4. I'm glad you were able to get a break from work, but also understand the concentration on some of the negative things while at home with more time to think/be with less structure. I had overwhelming problems when working about a year ago and have been home since. Adding structure back in the day helps. We can't do anywhere near the perfection we try to in holding a schedule, but I like the idea that if one of the parts ask what to be doing ... there is something slated for that hour like reading blogs, quilting, or catching up on social media. I'm also thinking you're in a bit of crises mode ... so thinking these thoughts aren't particularly helpful now, but maybe once you get past this onslaught of feelings - it will help you regain direction and composure. With that ... It's a matter of living out what is going to happen. Keep running toward safe!

    Always our best,


  5. Bee, I am truly sorry for your pain all around. I wish I could be there and just sit with you. Know that I am virtually doing that and listening. Safe hugs.

  6. Thank you, to each of you, for taking the time to read and post your thoughts and comments. I have read and reread them over the past two weeks and they help me remember that I'm not alone, that people are listening, and that people do care. All of you hold a special place in my heart.