Running With Mom

Mom convo Part 1
Mom convo Part 2

I went running again this morning (I can't remember if I mentioned yesterday that I am going running in the mornings again) and well...my mom was up when I was about to leave - so she asked to tag along.

Some of you know that I HATE talking in the mornings. It doesn't matter who I am talking to, I just don't like it. My splits know that, my sisters know that, my friends know that, so they know not to talk to me until I say something.

Apparently my mom doesn't remember that little quirk about me, and to make things a little more irritating was her asking if she could go running with me. I go running because it really helps me and my splits to bond. It is our special "alone time" in nature. It is our time to heal with each other and to do something we all love. If someone is with us, it just doesn't have the same effect.

So I let my mom come this morning. I stuck in my ipod headphones and started running.

Of course, my mom being who she is, started talking to me. It started out with the normal day to day things "so and so did this yesterday" and "I have to take so and so to the doctor" and "Grandma found another article for you about health" and so on. Nothing triggering, but I don't like talking in the morning or hearing someone talking in the morning.

About a mile into it, she started asking me about my splits. Instead of freaking out about it, I told myself "you can be in control of this situation. Mom is not trying to bully you, she just wants to know more. You don't have to answer her questions if you don't want to. You don't have to make it a big deal out of it. Stay calm. If you feel threatened or unsure, tell her you don't want to talk about it anymore."

And surprisingly, IT WORKED! I felt very in control of the situation. I didn't let her questions offend me or bother me. When she asked something I didn't feel comfortable answering, I would tell her that. It was a very good conversation. I felt so proud of myself!

We finished our run and I went on with my day, but it just felt so good to finally have a conversation with my mom that didn't end badly. I think these boundaries are working :)

My last final was today. I think it went well. I felt really confident on the first 60 questions, and then I just had this feeling of wanting to be DONE so I didn't really give it my best on the last 15 questions... Oh well. I just hope I pass it!

I am so incredibly tired today... I took two naps - that's how tired I am! I never sleep and I took TWO naps! Hopefully tonight I will actually get some sleep and be at a functioning level tomorrow.

I see my T in the morning (she was sick today so she rescheduled for tomorrow). This past week was one of those weeks where I didn't feel like I really needed to see my T, but I like the consistency and the support she provides so I will go anyway. Who knows, something completely random could pop up in our session.

I hope you all are having a fabulous week!

-Bee

What Would It Be Like?

When I was 3 years old, I came to the horrifying realization that I would never know what it was like to be another person.

I would never see out of another person’s eyes.

I have always wanted to know everything that people were thinking, feeling, seeing, wanting, needing, etc. The first person I really wanted to know that well was my mom, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t be her. I couldn’t know what she was thinking, feeling, seeing, wanting, needing, etc. And it scared me so badly.

I first started out by watching other people very intensely. I would observe their actions, their reactions to things, their emotions. I had to know everything I could about people, especially the people closest to me – either by proximity or by relation.

It got to the point where I would need that control to function. I had to know how to act around people so I wouldn’t get hurt. If my dad was angry or upset, I had to learn how to pick up on it before he could hurt me really bad. I also had to figure out how to act around him in these kinds of situations.

I needed to know how to sense my abusers emotions when they would come around. I had to know how badly I was going to be hurt – how badly I was going to feel afterward. If there was any possibility of getting away.

I had to sense when I would be taken in the night to a ritual. I had to be able to function after I was drugged. I had to be able to sense how to act, how to be, how to hide inside myself.

This is my need to be in control of every situation. It is my want to be a people pleaser. I realize hardly anything is in my control, but I like to feel like it is. It is probably why I am very OCD about everything and why I try so badly to please the people around me.

This post was really hard for me to write. I feel like I didn’t finish writing everything I needed to...

The Motions

I've been having a really rough couple of months because the dissociating has been so horrible for all of us lately. I haven't been able to figure out what is causing it to be so bad, but I think it may be the new medication I started in late February. I don't know what to do about it though... I can't just stop taking it because I am on so many different things and it may just be one of the meds. And they are actually helping me to get better and to feel better, and I am afraid that if I stop taking them then I won't feel too good. I don't know when I can get in to see the doctor again...hopefully soon.

Anyway, this song has been playing through my mind a lot the past two months and I wanted to share it...

The Motions by Matthew West



The Motions by Matthew West

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

Take me all the way (take me all the way)
Take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
Take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

Take me all the way (take me all the way)
Take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
Take me all the way (through the motions)
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Date #2 = Iron Man 2

It has been a long day... I was up until 4am talking to my ex-best friend. I got less than an hour of "rest/sleep" until I had to get up. We showed our house again today so I spent the majority of the day cleaning. Then in the afternoon the guy who asked me out on a date a couple of weeks ago asked me out again for tonight! We ended up going with a small group of people to see Iron Man 2 (my sister Bri and her date were in the group as well). I have never seen the first Iron Man, and I know nothing about it so I was very confused throughout the movie but I still had fun. Afterward we all went to our house and played games. It was really fun :)

But the dissociating and switching is getting much worse. I don't know if it is getting worse because I am so tired lately or what but it is bad... I don't know if I should worry about it or not. I have never had a problem with it for this long before. I don't know what I can do about it though. It takes all I have just to be around people. It's like I don't have enough energy to act "normal" in reality.

I'm going to bed now since I am exhausted. I hope everyone is having a good weekend so far!

-Bee

Ex-Best Friend

Tonight I had a really difficult conversation with my ex-best friend. Let's call her Rae.

Our history:
We met in college. We were both first semester freshman and we were paired up as roommates with 14 other girls. (We lived in a dorm room with four bedrooms and a common room). We instantly became best friends and did everything together. Everyone thought we were twins and had a hard time telling us apart. The funny thing is, we looked nothing alike. I have blond hair, she has brown. I have blue eyes, she has brown. I am about 5'10", she is 5'7". And so on... People just couldn't tell us apart.

We remained roommates for two years, moving from the dorms to a duplex, and later from the duplex to a house. We graduated from the two year college and moved back home (our families had lived about 2 miles from each other and we had never met!) About two months after moving back, I got a nasty text message from her saying she wanted to end our friendship.

We didn't talk for a whole year. Randomly one morning last July, I got a text from her. We have been texting back and forth ever since - not frequently, but often. I have seen her in person three different times at church functions and a baby shower. We haven't really hung out yet or really talked in person because things are still awkward.

Anyway, tonight we had been texting back and forth for a few hours when she randomly brought up that she felt like she was avoiding the reasoning for ending our friendship. She asked me if I wanted to get together to talk about what all happened between us.

I really want to talk to her about it, but it scares me to death. I think I am afraid to become close friends with her again. I trusted her so much and then she basically left me behind with no intention of coming back. Both of us have changed so much in the last two years since the "break up", but part of me really wants to be friends again.

We texted for a few hours about how we felt about talking in person. About bringing up all the reasons and mistakes that were made. I told her I wasn't quite ready to talk, but that I felt like we really need to before whatever we have now can turn into a true friendship.

I feel emotionally drained and at a total loss for what to do. I really want to try to make things right between us because we had the greatest friendship. Everyone was so jealous of how close we were. I really want that back, but I don't know if I am ready to trust that much again. It was hard enough the first time...

*Sigh* I think I need some more time to think about all of this.


-Bee

Sleeping Issues

As I posted a couple of days ago, my T wants us to try to sleep all at the same time at night. Well, we tried it on Tuesday night...

Wednesday my brain was on overdrive ALL DAY LONG. OH. MY. GOSH. Talk about CRAZY!

I could not sit still for the life of me. I was constantly moving. I got nothing done. My stress levels rose so high I thought I was going to be ill. I couldn't focus on anything. I was talking a mile a minute. My splits were going crazy because we had so much energy. It was NOT GOOD.

So I am NEVER going to have us all sleep at the same time again. Ever.

Now I'm not quite sure what to do. I wish I kept track of what we did differently on those rare nights I would actually get a good night sleep, but it has been so long that I can't even remember. I guess we will just have to keep experimenting.

But after my experience yesterday, I don't want to try anything for a few days. I can't be on overdrive like that or else one of my splits becomes suicidal. Weird, I know. I figured this out a few years ago when one of my doctors put me on a new medication (can't remember the name of it...) but it was h*ll for the fourteen hours it was in my system. Everything we saw or thought of or came in contact with was an object or an idea for suicide. I honestly didn't think I would survive from it it was so bad. I tried to tell my doctor how bad the side effects were (without mentioning the DID) and he didn't believe me. So I haven't gone back to him since. It's not worth the risk.

Wow my brain is still on that overdrive mode I guess because I am still having trouble thinking and concentrating.

I hope you all are doing well.

-Bee

I Hate Goodbyes

“Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now.” – Airplanes by B.o.B.

This song has played on the radio seven times today.

I forgot to mention in my last post that my last night of classes was on Monday. Tonight we had our class party. My teacher (she makes my favorites list which only has 3 other teachers on it) pulled me aside after everyone else had left and told me how proud of me she was and that she was so excited for me to start student teaching next semester. She told me that I am going to be a great teacher and she can’t wait for me to start teaching. I was her favorite student this semester and last semester and she said I better keep in touch with her. She heard that my story was published in a literary journal and so she wants me to send it to her so she can read it. She is just so awesome. I am going to miss seeing her every week.

Today was hard for me and I think it is because I really hate goodbyes. “Goodbye” just seems so final… I avoid the word as often as I possibly can. Tonight when the party was wrapping up and everyone started to leave, I felt this overwhelming sadness. This teacher has been such a huge part of my life for the past year and she has been so amazing for us. I hope I can work with her again in the future.

I'm too emotionally drained right now, so I'm going to stop this short. I will post more tomorrow - about sleeping.

Much Better!

I had my session with T today and I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

I guess the whole "integration at night" thing was a big misunderstanding.

The first thing I said when we started our session was how much I was against integration at night. We talked about it for a good 15 minutes and I still wasn't feeling comfortable with it. So I asked her to explain to me exactly what she was wanting me and my splits to try.

Apparently she didn't explain it well last week because it has nothing to do with integration at all. She said that she shouldn't have used the word "integration" because it clearly caused so much confusion, but she didn't know what else to call it.

She basically wants all of us (me and my splits) to designate a time we all settle down and fall asleep together. I know some of you suggested this to me in comments and in e-mails. She wants us to all sleep as a whole - not integrated, but as if we were all one person. And then when we wake up, we carry on like normal. It took me a while to finally understand what she was saying, but now I feel so much better about it. It is going to be hard and I will have to work at it with my splits, but I really hope it can be accomplished and actually work so I can sleep better.

We also talked about mixed messages between parents and their children. My parents send so many mixed messages to me and my sisters. I am constantly trying to figure out what my parents are saying and most of the time it just doesn't work. My T suggested that from now on, whenever my parents say a mixed message that I call them out on it by asking "what are you really saying?" It's funny how something to simple can totally change communication. I just hope it works.

We talked about some other things that I don't want to go into right now, but I did want to update all of you on the integration at night issue. I cannot express how much better I feel now that I have clarified it and understand what she was trying to say.


Today has been very eventful. I woke up at 5 am to go running and then went to see my T. Right after our session I headed to a small town (about 2.25 hours away) where I attended my first two years of college, to visit friends and go through a Mormon temple that was recently built there. I had a blast! I got to see and hang out with so many old friends which was just so good for me and my splits. It was also nice to have a road-trip with just me and the splits. We always have so much fun together when we take road-trips alone. And the temple was amazing! It was very beautiful on the inside and the outside. The artwork was pretty incredible. I spent the majority of the day down there in town with friends. I got to visit with my old biology teacher who is my all time favorite teacher - ever. He was so supportive of me and I was able to talk to him about things I was going through at the time I was taking his classes (I took four of his classes within two semesters). He is just so amazing and I have missed him since I moved back home! He was very happy to see me and it just totally made my day to be able to see him again. This whole trip was just so great. And it was completely spontaneous, which is SO not like me...but it was good for me anyway.

I feel like this post doesn't make much sense...Hopefully it does make sense and it just appears to not make sense because I am so wiped out from driving and running around everywhere.

I hope your week is going good so far!

-Bee

A Huge Blessing

I have been thinking lately about how lucky I was to find this DID blogging world. I came across it by complete accident and ever since then I have felt like I belong somewhere. Like someone else cares besides my T. Like I can express my true feelings for once without being mocked or misunderstood. This whole new world has been such a huge blessing to me.

So I just wanted to take the time to thank all of you who read my blog, leave me comments, e-mail me, have their own blog, follow me on twitter, etc. It has had such a huge impact on my life and I am so grateful for all of you!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and are ready for a new week!


-Bee

Deep Cleaning

I woke up covered in hives. I'm not sure what the allergic reaction was. I kinda think one of the splits ate something that we are allergic to...if that is the case I think I know who that could be... She tends to get very upset or angry and then goes straight for the foods we are allergic to (which is basically everything, but still, she knows better).

I spent the majority of the day cleaning out my closet. This has been on my "to do" list for almost a year now. I pulled every box off the shelf and set them up side by side in my room and I went through each one. I found all kinds of stuff! Old school papers and projects, drawings, stuffed animals, old toys, journals, etc. I found so many things that I had done with my splits when I was younger. Now that I look at it and know it was me and my splits, it's funny to think that I didn't know about them at the time I was diagnosed with DID.

I found many things that I don't ever remember having or don't remember doing. Going through all of my things today just seemed to reaffirm that I do in deed have DID. There were times in the past few years where I would doubt it but today definitely cleared up any doubt!

My brain feels like it is on over-drive today. All my thoughts are going by so fast that I can't type them out at the same speed. So if this post isn't making much sense, that is probably why!

I still haven't slept in almost 4 weeks. I'm not sure how much longer I can go before we finally crash and sleep. I am hoping it is soon because I am soooo tired!


-Bee