I Didn't Know... I'm So Sorry...

Last night I was talking to my sister, Renee, after I got home from hanging out with some friends. She came into my room looking concerned – I could tell she had something on her mind that she wanted to tell me.

This is normal. Renee always comes to me whenever she needs to vent about anything, talk to someone who will listen, rant and rave when she’s upset or angry, or just plain ramble on about whatever comes to her mind. I love listening to her because she is so animated and her memory is almost perfect. She remembers every detail and I often wish I could remember things as well as she can.

I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom putting some stuff away in a bin under my bed and she came in and sat down next to me. She started talking about her day and what she’s been up to this past week. Then the conversation took a turn...

I’m used to my sisters asking me if I remember doing certain things. It’s their way of asking me if I was out or not during a certain time, without offending me or causing an upset within my system.

But I didn’t know that they were aware of every time I switch.

Renee began to tell me all the times I have switched when I’ve been around them (my sisters). When one of them notices I am not “out”, they signal to each other so everyone is aware that it isn’t me.

I had no idea.

I had no idea that I switched that much. I had no idea they were all aware of how often I switch. I had no idea how much it affects them daily. I had no idea how long they had been aware of all of this.

I wasn’t sure how to respond at first. Part of me was glad that they could tell when I wasn’t out, because I hate when my splits do things I don’t approve of, etc. But I didn’t know it scared them. I didn’t know it was so hard for them to not see me as often. I didn’t know that it made some of them upset, sometimes to the point of crying, because of things my splits have said or done in their presence. I didn’t know how aware they were of me and my splits.

We talked for three hours about all of this. We came to the conclusion that if one of my splits offends her (or any of my sisters) that she/they should tell me when she/they know I am out, so I can work with the splits on what had happened.

After she left to go to bed, I sat and thought about my mom – how she cannot tell when I switch and how she doesn’t understand my DID. And then there are my five sisters who know every time I switch and who ask me questions daily about DID so they can understand me better. It is such a huge contrast.

I had no idea that they knew… I don’t even know what to do.