It's a miracle I'm even here - out right now. I was gone for a few days, maybe a week? I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm back and I don't want to be.
Why? I'm depressed - like deep, dark, down in the dirt depressed. I'm upset. I'm crying all the time. I don't know where I am half the time. Reality is so disjointed that I keep getting really dizzy and my internal reality seems foreign and far away. I'm in this really weird "between place" that I don't know how to get out of.
We've found two therapists close to my house. One has had 3 DID patients in the past (I don't know if she has any currently because she can't tell me that...). I am going in on Tuesday to interview her. We'll see how that goes... The other therapist has years and years of experience with trauma and PTSD. I don't know if she has experience with DID or dissociation but she was highly recommended from the coordinator I talked to and he said she would know how to help me. I haven't talked to that therapist at all yet, just researched her online. I'm hoping to get in touch with her this week to schedule an interview appointment.
I am severely struggling with this. I don't want to switch therapists. I like mine way too much and I am really scared to see how my splits will react. I know some of them will give me hell and I can't deal with that right now. I just want to get through my student teaching!
On a funnier note, I've been filling out paperwork for the different therapists and I keep running across the question that says, "Please mark/check all that apply: What feelings and thoughts have you had in the past week?" Below it lists several feelings and thoughts that would be interesting to the therapist. I however don't know if I should just put my feelings and thoughts down? Or include everybody's? After starring at it for over 10 minutes, I moved on and left it blank. What do you do when you're asked that question?
I also wanted to know what are some key things I should ask these new therapists when I'm interviewing them? I only have about 30 minutes with the first one so I don't want to waste my time with a bunch of nonsense questions.
*Bee
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Bee is Gone
Hi guys. We wanted to inform you that Bee has disappeared, most likely to be gone until November. If you aren't sure what we mean by that you can read this post.
We will still be reading your blogs just as we always do but we may not post comments just depending on the situation. We don't like to do too much while Bee is gone in that regard.
We are still researching therapists. So far we haven't had much luck, save it be the therapist we found whose office is about 15 - 20 minutes from our house. We still have yet to talk to her on the phone or in person. We don't have high hopes for her, since some of the things she has told us already don't quite sit right with most of us.
We will post occasionally while Bee is gone depending on what is going on. Suggestions are highly welcome as to how to bring her back. As of now we have no idea where she is.
~The Beehive
We will still be reading your blogs just as we always do but we may not post comments just depending on the situation. We don't like to do too much while Bee is gone in that regard.
We are still researching therapists. So far we haven't had much luck, save it be the therapist we found whose office is about 15 - 20 minutes from our house. We still have yet to talk to her on the phone or in person. We don't have high hopes for her, since some of the things she has told us already don't quite sit right with most of us.
We will post occasionally while Bee is gone depending on what is going on. Suggestions are highly welcome as to how to bring her back. As of now we have no idea where she is.
~The Beehive
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Wednesday Session
I still cannot believe what transpired yesterday in my session with my T.
I went to the appointment, talked with her a little before we started, sat where I normally sat - all the usual things. Then my T sat down right in front of me and said, "I need to tell you something, but I don't want you to be offended or to take this the wrong way."
Me: "Okay."
T: "Lately I feel like I haven't been doing enough for you. I feel like we have made no progress, or very little progress lately. With my other clients who do not have DID, I always know what to do next to progress so we are always working towards something. But with you, I have a hard time always knowing where to go next, because I'm dealing with 23 different people versus just one person."
Me: *trying so hard not to smile*
T: "I'm just.... so frustrated! I've been wracking my brain all week trying to figure out what to do. I've thought about helping you find a new therapist, but then I thought if you went to a new therapist then we would have to transfer everything over and make sure they understand where you are at and then they have to get to know you and the splits and that could take 6 - 12 months or more. That wouldn't be helping you progress either."
Me: *still trying so hard not to smile*
T: "I would even be very willing to meet with the new therapist and help her get started with you, but as I thought more about it I just don't know if that would be good for you. Obviously it would depend on the therapist. And then the thought came to me, what if I start meeting with the individual splits one by one and work with them to work through their stuff. That would be making progress. What do you think?
Me: *me thinking - I've wanted to try this all along!* "I think that would be very beneficial to me and the splits."
T: "The only thing is, it would be like seeing one person only twice a year."
Me: "I think we could make it work."
I'm not going to put the rest of the conversation, but basically she brought up ALL the concerns and more that I have been having for the past several months. And guess what? I didn't have to bring up anything at all!! I really feel that now we can start working toward something. We spent most of the session talking about what we can do to start working on progressing. Next week we will try one of the things we came up with.
Something that really made me feel special was the fact that she not only remembered that I disappear this time every year (and have an extremely hard time in general during these next couple of months), but she is having me e-mail her daily. I have to let her know who has been out and what emotions I am feeling, plus any other information I think is relevant to my triggers. She also wants to call me several times during the week to check up on me and she also told me that if things get really bad I can just call her and she will have me come right over. It doesn't matter what time of day or night, she will be there for me.
Wow. Can you say "I care about you, Bee." ? I definitely feel like my T and I are on the same page now.
I am still researching other therapists just in case, but I really feel like this is a new step towards some great progress and healing.
I went to the appointment, talked with her a little before we started, sat where I normally sat - all the usual things. Then my T sat down right in front of me and said, "I need to tell you something, but I don't want you to be offended or to take this the wrong way."
Me: "Okay."
T: "Lately I feel like I haven't been doing enough for you. I feel like we have made no progress, or very little progress lately. With my other clients who do not have DID, I always know what to do next to progress so we are always working towards something. But with you, I have a hard time always knowing where to go next, because I'm dealing with 23 different people versus just one person."
Me: *trying so hard not to smile*
T: "I'm just.... so frustrated! I've been wracking my brain all week trying to figure out what to do. I've thought about helping you find a new therapist, but then I thought if you went to a new therapist then we would have to transfer everything over and make sure they understand where you are at and then they have to get to know you and the splits and that could take 6 - 12 months or more. That wouldn't be helping you progress either."
Me: *still trying so hard not to smile*
T: "I would even be very willing to meet with the new therapist and help her get started with you, but as I thought more about it I just don't know if that would be good for you. Obviously it would depend on the therapist. And then the thought came to me, what if I start meeting with the individual splits one by one and work with them to work through their stuff. That would be making progress. What do you think?
Me: *me thinking - I've wanted to try this all along!* "I think that would be very beneficial to me and the splits."
T: "The only thing is, it would be like seeing one person only twice a year."
Me: "I think we could make it work."
I'm not going to put the rest of the conversation, but basically she brought up ALL the concerns and more that I have been having for the past several months. And guess what? I didn't have to bring up anything at all!! I really feel that now we can start working toward something. We spent most of the session talking about what we can do to start working on progressing. Next week we will try one of the things we came up with.
Something that really made me feel special was the fact that she not only remembered that I disappear this time every year (and have an extremely hard time in general during these next couple of months), but she is having me e-mail her daily. I have to let her know who has been out and what emotions I am feeling, plus any other information I think is relevant to my triggers. She also wants to call me several times during the week to check up on me and she also told me that if things get really bad I can just call her and she will have me come right over. It doesn't matter what time of day or night, she will be there for me.
Wow. Can you say "I care about you, Bee." ? I definitely feel like my T and I are on the same page now.
I am still researching other therapists just in case, but I really feel like this is a new step towards some great progress and healing.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Update On My Search...
In my last post I mentioned that I have been searching for a new therapist. I really appreciate all of the comments and e-mails I have gotten regarding this issue. It has really helped me so much.
I got one e-mail reply from a therapist who is pretty close to where I live. She informed me that she has a lot of experience working with dissociation, and a little bit of experience with DID. She said we can talk more about what my needs are and if I feel comfortable she wants to do an interview. I haven't e-mailed her back yet because I'm still thinking about all of this. I'm also hoping for the other two therapist to write me back as well.
I decided to be brave and talk to my sister, Brooke, about all of this. I really wanted to get someone's opinion about it who knows me really well and who knows my t as well. I explained to her the situation - how I really like my t but I feel that I'm not progressing anymore and the things my t has said or done in the past few months. After I explained it all to her, she told me that it would be best if I looked for a new therapist.
I am really struggling with this decision. I am terrified of how my splits will react. I am terrified to talk to my t about all of this. I am terrified of having to leave my comfort zone and go to a new therapist, if I choose to do so. I am just plain terrified.
I am thinking about talking to my friend Rae about it because she knows me very well too. I have a feeling she will also tell me to look for a new therapist but I still want to hear her opinion.
Man, this is just so complicated... I wish I knew what to do...
*Bee
I got one e-mail reply from a therapist who is pretty close to where I live. She informed me that she has a lot of experience working with dissociation, and a little bit of experience with DID. She said we can talk more about what my needs are and if I feel comfortable she wants to do an interview. I haven't e-mailed her back yet because I'm still thinking about all of this. I'm also hoping for the other two therapist to write me back as well.
I decided to be brave and talk to my sister, Brooke, about all of this. I really wanted to get someone's opinion about it who knows me really well and who knows my t as well. I explained to her the situation - how I really like my t but I feel that I'm not progressing anymore and the things my t has said or done in the past few months. After I explained it all to her, she told me that it would be best if I looked for a new therapist.
I am really struggling with this decision. I am terrified of how my splits will react. I am terrified to talk to my t about all of this. I am terrified of having to leave my comfort zone and go to a new therapist, if I choose to do so. I am just plain terrified.
I am thinking about talking to my friend Rae about it because she knows me very well too. I have a feeling she will also tell me to look for a new therapist but I still want to hear her opinion.
Man, this is just so complicated... I wish I knew what to do...
*Bee
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Searching...And Feeling Guilty About It
Over the past few months I've really been thinking about my current relationship with my T.
I have been seeing her for the past 5 1/2, almost 6, years. She knows me very well, knows most of my family, and knows my splits. She knows my splits better than anyone else ever will, besides me. She has done things for me that I don't think any other therapist every would. She has been my rock, my mentor, and my support. She has done many positive things for me and my system.
But lately I feel as if she can't help me as much. Sometimes she seems distant, other times she seems frustrated. Sometimes she just doesn't know what to do, and it scares me. Sometimes she does things that offend me or my splits, and sometimes she doesn't answer when I call or e-mail - and those are the times I really need her.
I've been struggling with the idea of possibly switching to a new therapist. I have spent countless nights worrying about it and trying to find a solution. I really want to stay with my T, but if there is another therapist out there that can help me, shouldn't I be looking for them?
This weekend I have spent a few hours researching therapists around my area. I have found three that may specialize in DID. Two of the three had a website that said they specialize in dissociative disorders. I e-mailed all three of them so now I'm just waiting for their replies.
This is really upsetting me and my system... But I feel like my T doesn't know how to help me anymore. I just don't have the courage or the guts to tell her all of this.
Our next appointment is on Tuesday. She is going to know something is wrong... and I can't lie to her. But I can't tell her the truth either. I'm not ready to....
*Bee
I have been seeing her for the past 5 1/2, almost 6, years. She knows me very well, knows most of my family, and knows my splits. She knows my splits better than anyone else ever will, besides me. She has done things for me that I don't think any other therapist every would. She has been my rock, my mentor, and my support. She has done many positive things for me and my system.
But lately I feel as if she can't help me as much. Sometimes she seems distant, other times she seems frustrated. Sometimes she just doesn't know what to do, and it scares me. Sometimes she does things that offend me or my splits, and sometimes she doesn't answer when I call or e-mail - and those are the times I really need her.
I've been struggling with the idea of possibly switching to a new therapist. I have spent countless nights worrying about it and trying to find a solution. I really want to stay with my T, but if there is another therapist out there that can help me, shouldn't I be looking for them?
This weekend I have spent a few hours researching therapists around my area. I have found three that may specialize in DID. Two of the three had a website that said they specialize in dissociative disorders. I e-mailed all three of them so now I'm just waiting for their replies.
This is really upsetting me and my system... But I feel like my T doesn't know how to help me anymore. I just don't have the courage or the guts to tell her all of this.
Our next appointment is on Tuesday. She is going to know something is wrong... and I can't lie to her. But I can't tell her the truth either. I'm not ready to....
*Bee
Friday, September 3, 2010
Opinions Greatly Appreciated
Your opinions are greatly appreciated on this post. It is okay if you disagree with me, but please tell me why. And if you agree, please tell me why! I want some other opinions/thoughts on this because right now I feel outnumbered and I want some kind of valid reason either way.
For those of you who have been following my blog at least for the past month or two, know about me going to the new therapist and the new t releasing all of my splits. For those who haven't been reading, you can go to this post and catch up.
My t and I have been able to bring the majority of my splits back but now I'm having the issue of all of their emotions. Basically it's a bunch of individuals who have been abused their whole lives who were suddenly released from me with no warning, no permission, no anything whatsoever. Now that they are back, most of them are pretty upset and are trying to adjust back to what they remember as "normal" but they are afraid of being released again.
I tried explaining this to my t and she told me that she understands that the younger alters are upset and having a difficult time, but she believes that the older ones (like 11 years old and older) shouldn't be having a problem with it and should just "get over it and move on".
Now, I have splits who are upset ranging from 5 years old to about 24 years old. If they were separate people, who had their own bodies and who had "normal" singleton lives, I would understand my t saying "get over it and move on." BUT these are my alters, who have seen and experienced horrific things and who were released from their purpose/duty in life - everything they have ever known - without any warning or anything. I think they have a right to be upset and angry and depressed and having an overall hard time with it.
Is that valid? Don't they have that right to be upset and afraid? Even if they are 24 years old?
I think they do have a right to be upset and to be afraid and to be having a hard time. It really bothered me that my t said that the older ones should just "get over it and move on." I'm not okay with that. I feel like she should know and understand how hard it has been for them and for myself. I don't know... Am I totally irrational in my thinking? Or do they have a right to be upset and afraid?
Your opinion is most helpful at this point. It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree, I just want to know what other people think about this....
For those of you who have been following my blog at least for the past month or two, know about me going to the new therapist and the new t releasing all of my splits. For those who haven't been reading, you can go to this post and catch up.
My t and I have been able to bring the majority of my splits back but now I'm having the issue of all of their emotions. Basically it's a bunch of individuals who have been abused their whole lives who were suddenly released from me with no warning, no permission, no anything whatsoever. Now that they are back, most of them are pretty upset and are trying to adjust back to what they remember as "normal" but they are afraid of being released again.
I tried explaining this to my t and she told me that she understands that the younger alters are upset and having a difficult time, but she believes that the older ones (like 11 years old and older) shouldn't be having a problem with it and should just "get over it and move on".
Now, I have splits who are upset ranging from 5 years old to about 24 years old. If they were separate people, who had their own bodies and who had "normal" singleton lives, I would understand my t saying "get over it and move on." BUT these are my alters, who have seen and experienced horrific things and who were released from their purpose/duty in life - everything they have ever known - without any warning or anything. I think they have a right to be upset and angry and depressed and having an overall hard time with it.
Is that valid? Don't they have that right to be upset and afraid? Even if they are 24 years old?
I think they do have a right to be upset and to be afraid and to be having a hard time. It really bothered me that my t said that the older ones should just "get over it and move on." I'm not okay with that. I feel like she should know and understand how hard it has been for them and for myself. I don't know... Am I totally irrational in my thinking? Or do they have a right to be upset and afraid?
Your opinion is most helpful at this point. It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree, I just want to know what other people think about this....
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Disappearing Act
Yeah, it's coming...
Every year sometime in the beginning of September, I disappear. I don't know where I go. For two months I'm just gone. I come back somewhere towards the end of November. Every year without fail I'm just gone. Poof. Bye-bye. One or more of my splits take over for me and my body-life goes on but I am somewhere else.
My t first realized this last year, when I came back in November. My whole life I thought that there were only 10 months in a year. "There's 12?!?!" Yes...yes there is.
So September started today and I'm starting to wonder if I will disappear again. I don't know why I disappear and I don't know what triggers it, but alas...it happens anyway. Sometimes I wish I could find out somehow but part of me is scared to death. I don't know if I want to know. But what if I could prevent myself from disappearing?
I'm not sure what to do about it, except to just let what happens to happen. Maybe this will finally be the year I can actually experience October.
*Bee
Every year sometime in the beginning of September, I disappear. I don't know where I go. For two months I'm just gone. I come back somewhere towards the end of November. Every year without fail I'm just gone. Poof. Bye-bye. One or more of my splits take over for me and my body-life goes on but I am somewhere else.
My t first realized this last year, when I came back in November. My whole life I thought that there were only 10 months in a year. "There's 12?!?!" Yes...yes there is.
So September started today and I'm starting to wonder if I will disappear again. I don't know why I disappear and I don't know what triggers it, but alas...it happens anyway. Sometimes I wish I could find out somehow but part of me is scared to death. I don't know if I want to know. But what if I could prevent myself from disappearing?
I'm not sure what to do about it, except to just let what happens to happen. Maybe this will finally be the year I can actually experience October.
*Bee
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
What Is Reality?
I see you, but no one else can.
I hear you, but no one else will.
I talk to you, but others think I'm crazy.
I know you, but others think you're a lie.
I've really been struggling lately with reality. I don't know if it is from a severe lack of sleep or a severe increase of dissociation. Whenever I talk about my splits (which isn't too often...) I feel like it's a lie - like I'm making them up. Only, I KNOW they are there and I KNOW they are very real. It's a horrible feeling, though, to feel like I'm lying.
My T called me on Sunday, apologizing for forgetting about our session on Thursday. She told me that she was coming home early from her trip and that she would meet with me Monday (yesterday). So after I got done at the school yesterday, I drove down there.
Our session wasn't normal though... I mean, we met in the same place and sat in the same spots we always do, but something was just off. I don't know if I was having trouble communicating things to her or if she just wasn't understanding what I was saying. Either way, there was a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding going on. By the end, I felt like we didn't get anything accomplished. But then again, it could be because I'm really struggling with reality right now.
Student teaching is going better than I ever dreamed it would. I love teaching and I love the students I am working with. I feel very accepted and comfortable there and I'm just happy. I'm actually excited to get up every morning - it gives me something to look forward to. It does wear me out, however, and by the time I get home I am so dead tired that I hardly do anything productive. My pain has also been pretty severe. I've learned how to survive through it and tolerate it while at school, and then once I get home I just cry it off. I down pain killers and hope the pain will subside.
Enough rambling... I better get to sleep (or to bed, since I don't sleep) so I can be refreshed for the school day tomorrow. I hope you all had a good start to your week!
*Bee
I hear you, but no one else will.
I talk to you, but others think I'm crazy.
I know you, but others think you're a lie.
I've really been struggling lately with reality. I don't know if it is from a severe lack of sleep or a severe increase of dissociation. Whenever I talk about my splits (which isn't too often...) I feel like it's a lie - like I'm making them up. Only, I KNOW they are there and I KNOW they are very real. It's a horrible feeling, though, to feel like I'm lying.
My T called me on Sunday, apologizing for forgetting about our session on Thursday. She told me that she was coming home early from her trip and that she would meet with me Monday (yesterday). So after I got done at the school yesterday, I drove down there.
Our session wasn't normal though... I mean, we met in the same place and sat in the same spots we always do, but something was just off. I don't know if I was having trouble communicating things to her or if she just wasn't understanding what I was saying. Either way, there was a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding going on. By the end, I felt like we didn't get anything accomplished. But then again, it could be because I'm really struggling with reality right now.
Student teaching is going better than I ever dreamed it would. I love teaching and I love the students I am working with. I feel very accepted and comfortable there and I'm just happy. I'm actually excited to get up every morning - it gives me something to look forward to. It does wear me out, however, and by the time I get home I am so dead tired that I hardly do anything productive. My pain has also been pretty severe. I've learned how to survive through it and tolerate it while at school, and then once I get home I just cry it off. I down pain killers and hope the pain will subside.
Enough rambling... I better get to sleep (or to bed, since I don't sleep) so I can be refreshed for the school day tomorrow. I hope you all had a good start to your week!
*Bee
Friday, August 27, 2010
Stood Up...
This week has been long...
Student teaching has its great days, and then not so great days. Luckily three out of the five this week were great. The other two... well... they could have been better.
I love my placement; I love (most) of the kids I work with and I am in a really good rhythm there. But those of you who have been following my blog know that I'm in a tough mental state right now, what with the releasing of my splits and all.
I do have 23 of them here with me now, so that has been good for me. I had a big meeting with everyone on Saturday and again on Sunday and things started to get better. But then I got so busy once the school week started, that I haven't had any time to myself, no meetings with the splits, and no down time whatsoever. I'm up at 5am and I'm constantly going going going until 9:30pm - 10pm at night. It's just hectic.
I have been telling my family each day that I have to have alone time or else I will crash. I cannot keep going like this without my time to myself. I just can't function without that time. And this week it was nonexistent.
So I was really looking forward to meeting with my T on Thursday afternoon - our new session time because that's the only day and time our schedules align with each other. Well, I drive the 20-25 minutes out there. I'm already a little bit late because I left the school later than normal, so I waited around about 5 - 10 minutes. I thought it was weird that she still wasn't there so I called her cell phone.
She picks up and says, "Bee? What's going on?"
"Oh nothing, I was just wondering where you are."
(T) "You were? Why?"
(Me) "Well, aren't we meeting today?"
(T) *audible gasp* "Oh my gosh I completely forgot to call you! I'm in California right now, visiting a friend."
(Me) "Oh..."
(T) "Don't we meet on Fridays?"
(Me) *slight pause* "No... we meet on Thursdays."
(T) "Wow I am so sorry. Let's reschedule for next Wednesday."
Next Wednesday?!?!? I don't think I will make it to Wednesday. Of course I didn't tell her that. I switched and someone told her it was okay that she forgot to call and that we would see her Wednesday.
Most of you - if not all of you - know that when your T leaves, it is expected of them to at least give you some kind of notice. Especially when your patient/client has DID. Some of my splits are really upset because my T didn't inform us of her trip. We didn't need to know where she was going, just that she would be gone. But we were all so focused on "make it to Thursday, make it to Thursday" that when Thursday came and we didn't see her, we fell apart. Today was really rough for everyone, including me.
And to make matters worse...
I had a doctors appointment on Monday. I'm really close with this doctor and she listens to me when she's checking up on me and making sure I'm not going to collapse from lack of food. I call her my "pseudo therapist". She knows about my abuse history and about my DID. But when I went to her office on Monday, I waited about 30 minutes in the waiting room. Then a nurse came out and told me that my doctor was sick and we would need to reschedule the appointment. I was a little irritated that they made me wait but nonetheless, I made an appointment for Friday (today) and went home.
I show up today, and I wait for 45 minutes. I ended up having to leave because I had to go to a seminar for student teaching, so I didn't get in to see her AGAIN. We rescheduled for Tuesday.
I feel so unimportant this week. Like someone to be thrown under the rug when things get too busy or there's not enough time. I really needed someone to be there for me this week and I just haven't gotten that... Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm needy, maybe I'm just overreacting... I don't know. But I feel awful and left behind and lost.
I just wanted someone to care, at least a little.
Student teaching has its great days, and then not so great days. Luckily three out of the five this week were great. The other two... well... they could have been better.
I love my placement; I love (most) of the kids I work with and I am in a really good rhythm there. But those of you who have been following my blog know that I'm in a tough mental state right now, what with the releasing of my splits and all.
I do have 23 of them here with me now, so that has been good for me. I had a big meeting with everyone on Saturday and again on Sunday and things started to get better. But then I got so busy once the school week started, that I haven't had any time to myself, no meetings with the splits, and no down time whatsoever. I'm up at 5am and I'm constantly going going going until 9:30pm - 10pm at night. It's just hectic.
I have been telling my family each day that I have to have alone time or else I will crash. I cannot keep going like this without my time to myself. I just can't function without that time. And this week it was nonexistent.
So I was really looking forward to meeting with my T on Thursday afternoon - our new session time because that's the only day and time our schedules align with each other. Well, I drive the 20-25 minutes out there. I'm already a little bit late because I left the school later than normal, so I waited around about 5 - 10 minutes. I thought it was weird that she still wasn't there so I called her cell phone.
She picks up and says, "Bee? What's going on?"
"Oh nothing, I was just wondering where you are."
(T) "You were? Why?"
(Me) "Well, aren't we meeting today?"
(T) *audible gasp* "Oh my gosh I completely forgot to call you! I'm in California right now, visiting a friend."
(Me) "Oh..."
(T) "Don't we meet on Fridays?"
(Me) *slight pause* "No... we meet on Thursdays."
(T) "Wow I am so sorry. Let's reschedule for next Wednesday."
Next Wednesday?!?!? I don't think I will make it to Wednesday. Of course I didn't tell her that. I switched and someone told her it was okay that she forgot to call and that we would see her Wednesday.
Most of you - if not all of you - know that when your T leaves, it is expected of them to at least give you some kind of notice. Especially when your patient/client has DID. Some of my splits are really upset because my T didn't inform us of her trip. We didn't need to know where she was going, just that she would be gone. But we were all so focused on "make it to Thursday, make it to Thursday" that when Thursday came and we didn't see her, we fell apart. Today was really rough for everyone, including me.
And to make matters worse...
I had a doctors appointment on Monday. I'm really close with this doctor and she listens to me when she's checking up on me and making sure I'm not going to collapse from lack of food. I call her my "pseudo therapist". She knows about my abuse history and about my DID. But when I went to her office on Monday, I waited about 30 minutes in the waiting room. Then a nurse came out and told me that my doctor was sick and we would need to reschedule the appointment. I was a little irritated that they made me wait but nonetheless, I made an appointment for Friday (today) and went home.
I show up today, and I wait for 45 minutes. I ended up having to leave because I had to go to a seminar for student teaching, so I didn't get in to see her AGAIN. We rescheduled for Tuesday.
I feel so unimportant this week. Like someone to be thrown under the rug when things get too busy or there's not enough time. I really needed someone to be there for me this week and I just haven't gotten that... Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm needy, maybe I'm just overreacting... I don't know. But I feel awful and left behind and lost.
I just wanted someone to care, at least a little.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Acceptance, Teaching, Recovering, Moving, & Such
Sooo much has happened in the past week.
I have been sicker than a dog. I have only been able to eat rice - breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Rice rice rice. Nothing else. Just rice. Get the picture? I thought so...
Student teaching is going wonderfully! I am now teaching two class periods starting today and it has been going great! I just love the students I have and everything seems to come so easily and naturally. I do not get nervous at all and everything I say is clear and easy to understand. All the kids love coming to me for anything - school or personal. I feel like I am finally in the right place.
Since going to the evil new therapist who killed me mentally, I have been struggling with communicating with my splits. On Thursday night I had a session with my T and we brought back some more of my splits. I know have 23 total, and I think that's where it will stay - at least for a while.
On Saturday morning I held a big meeting with my splits that lasted about 3 or 4 hours. We talked everything through, set up new assignments, paired up buddies, assigned numbers and letters, made an internal schedule and a drafted external schedule. Every day we have at least one meeting (most of the time it is more like 2 - 5) a day. That has worked so well! I'm finally starting to feel like I'm getting some of my knowledge and things back mentally.
My title is not in the order of my post, which I should probably change it but most likely won't. After seeing the new therapist, my mom and I became closer than we have ever been. Because of this, my family (parents and sisters) have been much more accepting of my DID diagnosis. They are now FINALLY starting to realize why I am the way I am, why I do certain things, why I'm not always aware or present. Some of them have even picked up on my switching at times. It is more openly discussed in our house now and I feel much more comfortable about it.
My mom seems to be more aware of how my splits react to things - especially changes. On Sunday my mom pulled me aside and told me that we are definitely moving. Someone made an offer on our house and we are waiting to be approved. My mom knows how upset my splits can get about any big changes, like moving, and she was very kind enough to let me know before she told the rest of my sisters. Because of that, my splits are not as freaked out as they would have been. It's really nice to finally be able to be treated right.
My sister Brooke (twin) and I have been spending so much time together lately. Since our birthday was on Wednesday and I was student teaching and she was working, we decided to postpone our birthday celebrations to Saturday. We went out to lunch at Panda Express, our favorite fast-food place, then we went clothes shopping at all our favorite stores. We went and got our hair done - I needed new highlights and she wanted to get her's cut. Then we went out to dinner at PF Chengs - our FAVORITE restaurant. After dinner we went and saw Inception. I LOVED it! Soooo good! And then we drove to our favorite park down by our old house and swung on the swings for a while and just talked. It was probably one of my favorite birthdays :)
To follow up on Caly... I finally e-mailed her back. I just said "It went both ways but consider the hatchet buried." She replied a couple hours later and said "This was something I knew that needed to be done." I waited a day and then replied, "So...what now?" Her reply, "I haven't the foggiest." That's where we are now. I haven't replied back to her yet...
Wow this post ended up way longer than I thought it would... I hope you all have had a good start to your week!
*Bee
I have been sicker than a dog. I have only been able to eat rice - breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Rice rice rice. Nothing else. Just rice. Get the picture? I thought so...
Student teaching is going wonderfully! I am now teaching two class periods starting today and it has been going great! I just love the students I have and everything seems to come so easily and naturally. I do not get nervous at all and everything I say is clear and easy to understand. All the kids love coming to me for anything - school or personal. I feel like I am finally in the right place.
Since going to the evil new therapist who killed me mentally, I have been struggling with communicating with my splits. On Thursday night I had a session with my T and we brought back some more of my splits. I know have 23 total, and I think that's where it will stay - at least for a while.
On Saturday morning I held a big meeting with my splits that lasted about 3 or 4 hours. We talked everything through, set up new assignments, paired up buddies, assigned numbers and letters, made an internal schedule and a drafted external schedule. Every day we have at least one meeting (most of the time it is more like 2 - 5) a day. That has worked so well! I'm finally starting to feel like I'm getting some of my knowledge and things back mentally.
My title is not in the order of my post, which I should probably change it but most likely won't. After seeing the new therapist, my mom and I became closer than we have ever been. Because of this, my family (parents and sisters) have been much more accepting of my DID diagnosis. They are now FINALLY starting to realize why I am the way I am, why I do certain things, why I'm not always aware or present. Some of them have even picked up on my switching at times. It is more openly discussed in our house now and I feel much more comfortable about it.
My mom seems to be more aware of how my splits react to things - especially changes. On Sunday my mom pulled me aside and told me that we are definitely moving. Someone made an offer on our house and we are waiting to be approved. My mom knows how upset my splits can get about any big changes, like moving, and she was very kind enough to let me know before she told the rest of my sisters. Because of that, my splits are not as freaked out as they would have been. It's really nice to finally be able to be treated right.
My sister Brooke (twin) and I have been spending so much time together lately. Since our birthday was on Wednesday and I was student teaching and she was working, we decided to postpone our birthday celebrations to Saturday. We went out to lunch at Panda Express, our favorite fast-food place, then we went clothes shopping at all our favorite stores. We went and got our hair done - I needed new highlights and she wanted to get her's cut. Then we went out to dinner at PF Chengs - our FAVORITE restaurant. After dinner we went and saw Inception. I LOVED it! Soooo good! And then we drove to our favorite park down by our old house and swung on the swings for a while and just talked. It was probably one of my favorite birthdays :)
To follow up on Caly... I finally e-mailed her back. I just said "It went both ways but consider the hatchet buried." She replied a couple hours later and said "This was something I knew that needed to be done." I waited a day and then replied, "So...what now?" Her reply, "I haven't the foggiest." That's where we are now. I haven't replied back to her yet...
Wow this post ended up way longer than I thought it would... I hope you all have had a good start to your week!
*Bee
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)