Searching...And Feeling Guilty About It

Over the past few months I've really been thinking about my current relationship with my T.

I have been seeing her for the past 5 1/2, almost 6, years. She knows me very well, knows most of my family, and knows my splits. She knows my splits better than anyone else ever will, besides me. She has done things for me that I don't think any other therapist every would. She has been my rock, my mentor, and my support. She has done many positive things for me and my system.

But lately I feel as if she can't help me as much. Sometimes she seems distant, other times she seems frustrated. Sometimes she just doesn't know what to do, and it scares me. Sometimes she does things that offend me or my splits, and sometimes she doesn't answer when I call or e-mail - and those are the times I really need her.

I've been struggling with the idea of possibly switching to a new therapist. I have spent countless nights worrying about it and trying to find a solution. I really want to stay with my T, but if there is another therapist out there that can help me, shouldn't I be looking for them?

This weekend I have spent a few hours researching therapists around my area. I have found three that may specialize in DID. Two of the three had a website that said they specialize in dissociative disorders. I e-mailed all three of them so now I'm just waiting for their replies.

This is really upsetting me and my system... But I feel like my T doesn't know how to help me anymore. I just don't have the courage or the guts to tell her all of this.

Our next appointment is on Tuesday. She is going to know something is wrong... and I can't lie to her. But I can't tell her the truth either. I'm not ready to....

*Bee