I Miss You...

I miss her. I don't know where she is, I don't know what she looks like now, but I miss her. There is a huge part of me that is empty because of it. When I am alone, or feeling sad, I miss her. When someone asks me if I have any children, I miss her. When someone talks about their kids and says how great I would be when I have kids of my own, I miss her. She is such a huge part of my life that I can't share with anybody because of the way she came into this world. The violence and the abuse and the evil surrounding it all is forced to remain a secret, and yet all I want to do is shout from every part of myself that she is mine - that she is MY daughter. That I was robbed of my innocence, of my childhood, of my motherhood, of my daughters' life. Everyday I am overwhelmed with this sadness and loss and I don't know what to do about it.

I love you, always. I hope one day I will see you again.

💜Mom 

November Used to be Happy

I started to write this post a while ago but I couldn't finish it until now...

Since my last post, things in my world have been very chaotic, stressful, overwhelming, and depressing. There are many other feelings and emotions that I wish I could put into words but words would not do them justice.

I lost my best friend of 14+ years. She was the only person I had left from my past who had known the real me for so long, and losing her has taken a huge toll on me. Ever since her daughter passed away this last November (2011), she has not been the same friend and person that I've known. She has been in and out of the hospital for 10 months due to health reasons, inpatient care, and suicide attempts. Her last month of life was spent lying motionless in a hospital bed hooked up to a life-support machine as her brain slowly deteriorated. She passed away at the end of October. I've only told 3 people.

I know it was hard for her to be here - I could see it in her eyes every time I saw her. There was this unbearable pain that she had been carrying around for years since her sister died, and losing her daughter added to that pain. I know that I couldn't do anything for her but be there when she needed me, but oh how I wish that I could give her anything that would help her pain go away.


*Bee

Things I Don't Tell My ____

I don't tell my T that I just need to hold her hand.

I don't tell my sister that she got married too young.

I don't tell my roommate that I remember every detail from my nightmares.

I don't tell my family that I struggle every day.

I don't tell my best friend that my eating disorder is still a problem.

I don't tell my friends that I feel like I'm always lying because I'm so different.

I don't tell my doctor that my anxiety levels are so high that I can't breathe.

I don't tell my T that I feel so lost.

I don't tell my mom that I stopped going to church because it was too triggering. 

I don't tell my significant other that I switch more than they realize.

I don't tell my co-worker that I'm scared to go back to work.

I don't tell my dead best friend's husband "I told you so."

I don't tell my roommate that my best friend comes over each morning to make sure I'm okay.

I don't tell my T that I'm desperate to remember all of the bad things because I'm afraid of not knowing the truth.

I don't tell my sister that I remember those memories/events too.

I don't tell my friend R that I still don't trust her. 

I don't tell my dad that I don't believe in everything he believes in. 

I don't tell my pharmacist that he's a pain in the @$$.

I don't tell my T that I still have many secrets she doesn't know about.


*Bee

Boundaries. Why Have Them If You Won't Respect Them?

I want to welcome all of my new followers and readers! Thank you for your comments and emails over the past few weeks. You guys are amazing and your support has been incredible.

I'm doing better since my last post about two weeks ago. My doctors have been working with me a lot these last few weeks to get my pain levels to go down. I feel more like a zombie right now. I'd rather not feel this way but I know it won't be like this forever so I sleep while I can and chart the progress for the doctors. The complications from the surgery are starting to sort themselves out.

Now for the things I really want to talk about...

I have one sister who got married last November and I have a second sister who is getting married within the next few weeks. Her bridal shower was this past weekend - this automatically brings up the red flags in my world.

The big question "what do I do about the family members who will be attending the bridal shower that I have personally chosen not to be around anymore?"

My T and I talked about it, discussed several scenarios, and came to a few conclusions. My options: (1) I choose not to attend the bridal shower, (2) I somehow get my sister to un-invite those certain family members, or (3) I attend half, those certain family members attend the other half.

I talked to my sister about it, and she really wanted me to be there. She also wanted those other family members to be there. So option 3 it was...

My T spoke to my mom about it, told my mom that I would choose which half to attend, and then my mom would call these family members and tell them to attend the other half.

I decided on the last half of the bridal shower so I could see the gifts my sister got, most of the family members I liked, and most of the people she invited. My mom agreed and called the family members to tell them they would be attending the other half.

The day of the bridal shower comes. I confirm the times with my mom. I get ready and drive all the way over there, only to find that their cars are parked right outside. I called one of my other sisters and asked "Why are ______ family members still at the shower??" I was very confused and panicked because they were supposed to be gone by this time. My sister handed the phone to my mom. My mom said she had tried getting them out the door, but one family member was being very rude about it. She would try again and call me back.

I waited in my car, watching for any signs of this family member leaving. Instead, two of my sisters come out the front door and towards my car. "Family Member doesn't want to leave because they didn't 'agree' to leave. They said they came to the shower and are going to stay for the entire thing and there is nothing mom can do about it."

I was PISSED. ANGRY. UPSET. FRUSTRATED. And about ready to burst into tears. Why can't this family member leave me the &#%$ alone!!!

A couple more people from the shower came out and joined us in my car so I wouldn't be alone, which was very nice of them... but at the same time I was missing my sister's bridal shower because of this Family Member and no one was fighting for me. Yes, I had a whole party going on in my car, but none of the people in my car had even tried to get this Family Member to leave.

The rest of the weekend and today I am still feeling very angry, upset, hurt, frustrated, pissed off, aggravated, hatred, annoyed, and just fuming and boiling because I'm so mad. I have worked so hard to set up boundaries and to teach my family how to set up boundaries, but my family continues to let people walk all over these boundaries...

I think this Family Member shouldn't be allowed to come to the next big event, like the family dinner or wedding rehearsal dinner. Family Member made me miss something important so now Family Member loses their privilege of coming to the next event.

Writing this post has made me even more upset...


*Bee

Fighting My Demons

I'd like to say that I'm okay, but I'm very far from being okay.

I don't know what is causing my world to come crashing down around me, but here it comes crumbling down and I can't do anything but watch it shatter around me.

A couple weeks ago I went to a normal scheduled session with my T, and I had a full blown meltdown - I had curled up into a ball in the corner of the couch and was crying. I couldn't stop. My life was too much, work was too much, all the physical pain and emotional pain was too much. I cried for two hours. My T told me that I had to choose between taking a leave of absence from work or being admitted to inpatient. I wanted neither...but decided the leave of absence would be the better route.

I went to my doctor the following day and he recommended short-term disability because my pain levels were off the charts. He told me I would not be returning to work for several weeks. I went to my other doctor and he also said short-term disability. They decided to move up my surgery.

I thought that maybe the break from work would relieve the depression and suicidal thoughts, but it has only gotten worse. I am home alone all day, causing me to become more depressed. I am on heavy duty pain medications that cause me to have even more horrific nightmares. I wake up so panicked and stressed that it causes me to be very upset, even more depressed, and suicidal. I try everything I can to erase the nightmares from my mind but they still haunt me.

I am scared to death to go to inpatient because I know that will be the worst option for me. It will destroy me and my system. That thought alone is keeping me from acting on my thoughts, but I'm still scared to death.

My best friend and my roommate know I am struggling a lot right now and they have been super supportive. But they both of them work full time and cannot always be there. I hate that I feel like I need to have someone with me all the time.

I keep hoping and praying that this will pass. I know I struggle the most during this time of the year, but I feel like this has been going on since February/March and has just been getting worse and worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not the kind of person who gives up, but if there's nothing to live for anymore, what do you do?

I don't want to freak any of you out. I don't have any plans and I have gotten rid of anything that could potentially be dangerous in my possession. There are people in my "real life" world who know and are aware of my severe depression. I am simply writing what I'm feeling on here because I feel so so so awful and upset. I just want to know I'm not alone.


*Bee

Purpose

"Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide..." -Imagine Dragons

I have been having a very rough go these past several months... These past several weeks have been even worse.

I happened to check my email today and saw two emails that I wasn't expecting - one from a close friend of mine, and one from a fellow reader/blogger. Both of them wrote to me that they had missed my blogging and that they had been thinking about me.

Both of these emails made me think about why I originally started this blog. I wanted a place to write exactly what I was feeling, thinking, wondering, etc. without having to worry about being judged. A place where I could be myself. A place I could heal. A place where I could find the hope and will to survive and live. A place to encourage and lift others. A place to find myself. I could go on and on...

I want to thank both of you for reaching out to me - it was exactly what I needed today.


*Bee

The Monster

"I can’t explain to someone what it is like to look in a mirror and not recognize the face inside it. How there are some days I wake up and it takes everything inside me to put on a mask and walk through my life like someone else. I am the person that you pretend does not exist, except that is all I am, all of the time." -me

I'm writing because I have been silent for too long.

I'm writing because The Monster has come back and I am finally ready to acknowledge it.

I'm writing because I am scared, I feel very alone, and I honestly don't know what to do.

For the past two years, I was blessed to have my dream job. As a teacher, this is a hard thing to get when you first start teaching (depending on the area you live in). For me, I got my dream job right off the bat and although it was very hard, stressful, and tiring, I truly loved my job. 

This school year, for those of you who have read my last few posts, are aware that I was forced to move to a different school, and change to a different grade level - this was all done without my knowledge and I had no say in the matter. In fact, my contract for the next school year had already been signed when they officially told me what I would be teaching this year.

I tried my best to start this year off with a positive attitude. It is very hard for me to make new friends but I did my best to get to know the new people I would be working with. But after several weeks of being in school, I hate my job. 

I hate it so much that my depression has come back...full force. I think it first came back when I initially learned I would be moving to the new school, but over the last several months and especially over the summer, my depression has become much, much worse.

Every morning I sit up in my bed and just cry. I don't want to be alive. I don't want to go to work. My life feels completely pointless. I hate the crazy, ridiculous expectations I'm expected to live up to. I'm working 12-15 hour days to try to finish everything I need to at work and it's still not enough time. The sad thing is, I'm not the only teacher who feels this way at this school. 

I haven't seen my T in several weeks. She didn't call me back for a long time - my best friend ended up contacting her. The next day I finally heard from my T. I'm so angry and upset with my T because I'm not getting the support I need. That causes me to feel more depressed and helpless. 

I was also in a car accident right before our students started back to school. My car was totaled, and as a result of all the things I have been feeling and experiencing lately, including memories, triggers, depression, etc...I have PTSD from the accident. Because I haven't seen my T, the PTSD has gotten worse and I haven't been able to drive at all without being extremely triggered. I have to switch with one of my alters in order to drive, or someone else has to drive me places. Even being in a car is triggering.

I'm scared because I've been having suicidal thoughts. They are not constant, and when they do pop up I acknowledge them by telling myself that suicide is not the answer and that things will get better....but I need my T to be consistent. I can't keep doing this on my own. I have a couple of really great friends who have been a huge support system, but they can't be there 24/7 and they aren't trained like a therapist/counselor is. I'm worried that things will continue to get worse if my T keeps rescheduling.

My alters have started to go into "hiding" - for me, this means they go into their own rooms or areas and stay there when the outside world and our inside world become too overwhelming that they just need to escape. I have so many alters that are hiding right now that it is becoming very hard for me to function. The way my system works, I have various information stored in several different alters and I am in constant communication with all of them so we can all function and be successful. Right now, our system is struggling because it is taking so much longer to retrieve information.

All I want to do is cry and curl up in a ball and never leave my room... I hate feeling this way :(


*Bee

Silent Session - Part Three

You can read part one here and part two here.

"Possibly."

My T uses this word when she knows there is a very little chance that she can meet with me, but she feels the need to give me the false sense of hope.

"Possibly."

I read this word and it instantly angers me.

"Possibly."

Any trust that might have been gained during that session and any previous session is now gone. Bye-bye. Good riddance.

"Possibly."

It has turned into me waiting for almost 2 weeks now. And what has happened during those 2 weeks?

I've had a constant stream of memories come up around those events.

I'm remembering more of the people who were involved.

Two of my abusers have confessed to other family members that they did abuse me and that they abused other members in my family, including one of my siblings.

Another one of my sisters is starting to remember being abused.

Other family members are coming forward and telling things that they know - secrets that have been repressed for years, secrets that they can't hide any longer.

One family member went to other family member and apologized to them for not believing me all this time.


The confirmations, the confessions, the affirmations. It's all so real.

My whole life has been me having to keep this huge secret. It has been me having to act like I'm normal, that I'm okay, that everything is fine, that the world is right.

My whole life has been me having to constantly ask myself the question, "did this really happen to me?" 

I had tried telling people but no one believed. No one believed me.

And now... after all this time. After being so strong for so long... it's all coming out.

As much as I absolutely hate how hard it has been to remember these things, and to know that I have so much still buried deep within my mind - there is this very tiny bit of comfort, this tiny light at the end of the long tunnel. I was the one who stopped the cycle. I was the one who made people remember. I was the one who spoke up. I was the one who was strong enough to stand up for what was right.

I still have a long and hard road to travel down in my healing process. But this small bit of confirmation that this really did happen to me, that I'm not crazy, that I'm not making it up - that is what will keep me strong.

I was sent here to be the strong one in my family, and I am going to continue to be that person.


*Bee

Silent Session - Part Two

You can read part one here.

My T and I sat and cried for a while. She would occasionally hold my hand but that seemed to make her sob even harder. Eventually – I’m not sure how much time had passed – she told me that she had to get to her next appointment. She told me that I would be physically exhausted and that I should go home and sleep the rest of the day. She also told me that I would be drained emotionally and mentally, and that I would most likely feel very ill later on. At this point, she was still crying.

I knew I couldn’t drive home – I could barely function. My T called my best friend to come pick me up. She then told me that she would call me later that day to check on me. 

My best friend stayed with me until dinner time. I didn’t sleep much, I didn’t eat – I mostly just cried and couldn’t stop thinking about the memories that had come up. My T called and talked to me very briefly. I don’t remember what she said.

***Trigger Warning***

Once my friend left, I didn’t feel safe. I buried myself in the far corner of my room and didn’t move for several hours. 

Late that night, I noticed something inside had changed. I suddenly had access to a part of my mind that I must of blocked from myself. A part of my mind that held memories surrounding events around what was brought up during the session. 

I immediately started panicking. I barely had time to process through what had just happened during my session earlier that day! There was no way in hell I was ready to start processing through even more memories around those events.

Panic attack after panic attack, continuous sobbing, pleading to whatever God above could hear me - I just wanted to feel safe in my own house.

So many things were starting to make sense; fragmented memories were piecing themselves together. I wanted this and hated it all at once. The entire night I fought against the monsters I had been trying to bury for the last 15-20 years.

The next morning I texted my T to ask if we could meet again that week. I had to be able to talk to someone about all of this. I needed to process through these memories. I needed her support. I needed to feel safe.

Her reply - "I can't this week, possibly next week?"

I stared at the text message.

She had just learned about one of my biggest secrets and she replies with "possibly"? Am I worth anything to her? Does she realize that I spent an entire night of hell by myself, scared to death, an inch away from suicidal thoughts, and she tells me "possibly"?

To be continued...

Silent Session - Part One

I'm not sure where to start... I guess I'll just write.

Last week I went in for a "normal" session with my T - whatever normal is. I hadn't seen her for over 5 weeks so our plan was to just check in with everyone, set goals for the next session, work through some light issues, etc. Instead, the session turned into my T getting this overwhelming feeling that I had something I needed to share with her.

This caught me off-guard. There were several things I had been keeping from her for years - secrets that I didn't want anybody to know, but lately they had been so burdening and scary that I didn't know what to do. I was faced with the fear of "are these memories truth or fiction?"

All I could do was stare at my hands. I didn't say a word - no sounds, no tears. I just sat there.

After some time, she decided we should do some energy work. I was fine with that.

As soon as she started to pull energy off me, I started to feel very dizzy. Typically I don't feel this way and I immediately pointed this out to her. She said she also felt a little different and had me try to ground myself as best I could by placing my hand on her knee. This seemed to help a great deal, surprisingly, and I started to feel better. She, however, began to feel a bit worse.

I then started to feel an overwhelming joy - something I have very little experience with. It was like this moment of freedom. Freedom from all pain, hurt, sorrow, sadness, anger, frustration. My heart seemed to open up and embrace this amazing joyous feeling. That's when I noticed my T was sobbing, uncontrollably.

At first I was confused... I was feeling this incredible feeling of joy and happiness, and here was my T who seemed to be experiencing pain and agony. I didn't understand. All I could do was look at her and wait for her to say something... to say anything.

***Trigger Warning***

The energy coming off of my body was so powerful - nothing like I had ever felt before. I was releasing something huge... something I had held onto for a long time. My T finally spoke, asking me a question that I never thought anyone would ever ask me... "Were you used as a breeder during SRA rituals?"

***End Trigger Warning***

I didn't even have to answer her, because out of no where the tears finally came. The emotions I have locked inside myself for so long, the secrets, the lies, the hiding, the guilt, the shame, everything... it all came out. All I could do was sob for the younger version of me - the part of me who has held onto this secret for so long.

I have never seen my T cry so hard. She kept whispering, "Bee, I am so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry you had to go through this..." over and over again.

But the most powerful thing of the whole experience was... I didn't tell her anything.

I believe in a God - I've been struggling with religion my whole life and I currently don't claim to be a part of any specific religion... but in that moment, I don't know how else to explain how she would know something so specific. I have never talked about it. Never. No one in my life knows, except for the people who were involved and I can guarantee they didn't share this information with my T.

To be continued...