Saturday, February 19, 2011



This is a word I have grown to hate my whole life.

It's hard enough when you're different from all of the other kids.
Your parents compare you.
Your teachers compare you.
Your classmates compare you.

Now add an identical twin sister.

Who's prettier? Who's funnier? Who can run faster, throw better, lift more, speak faster, think quicker, learn easier, earn better grades?

The comparing never stops.

Add abuse into the mix and it only gets worse. Especially when you're identical twin sister wasn't abused...

Compare, compare, compare.

I have been struggling to stay out. Right now my life is really hard. I have been on survival mode for weeks. There have been times where I thought I wouldn't keep living. Not in a suicidal way. I thought that things were so hard that I would literally die because of how bad things were.

With DID, in my case, I don't have to be out all the time to function. My splits carry on just fine without me running the show. Some of them even prefer it. With that said, I have been really struggling to stay out because I don't feel like I'm very good at living anymore. I have sunk down to the level of people who have been comparing me my whole life.

I have started to compare myself against my splits.

They can talk better, think faster, teach more effectively...and the list goes on. Why do I need to be out if they are so much better at living my life than I am?

Therapist's answer: because it's your life and your body.
My answer: ...

Well...I don't have an answer.

My therapist always says that I'm really the one who created my alters. Granted, I was so young I can't even remember it happening so I feel like that shouldn't even count. I really hate it when she tells me that though. It makes it sound like I am making up my DID. I already have a hard enough time with the fact that I have other people living in my head, I don't need the added pressure of "well, you created them dear."

I'm just so frustrated, exhausted, mentally drained, physically worn out, and emotionally spent....



  1. If your splits are excellent, so to are you, for they live within in and each one carries a piece of you. I understand though. I have wished that I could be more like some of my best alters and be like that genuinely all the time. I can tell you that it does come with increased integration, but it is not something you can make happen or speed up. It just happens in its own time. Hang in there and appreciate that you have those parts of you.

  2. Lothlorien,

    Thank you so much. That is exactly what I needed to hear.


  3. I also went thru the comparison thing with my alters. It took a long time for me to realize that they - are me. Eventually, I started to relax and rely on them to, well, do their job. I figured if they were part of the mix, they could carry their weight. They do all the hard work for me at my job, which is dealing with crazy coworkers and crazy clients. It works out. I hope you find your way to realizing that "they" are, indeed, you. If you think they are great, then you are great. It's a symbiotic relationship: you rely on them and they rely on you; you need each other.