Thursday, May 27, 2010

Tomorrow is Friday!

I'm still working on the posts I want to start doing. Right now the title is "Becoming Friends With Your Alters". It's kind of interesting to see how they turn out - definitely not how I thought they would when I started!

Today was long and really hard for me. My pain levels are sky high right now and I'm downing pain killers every two hours or so. My stomach is screaming at me in protest. I just hope it subsides before my insides are eaten away by the meds...

I cannot wait for the three-day weekend! I will have the house to myself and it will be glorious.

Tomorrow is Friday!!


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'm Still Here

I'm still here, I promise. I just haven't felt like writing the past couple of days - which is not like me at all but that's the trend these days with me. I'm not really sure what is going on.

My pain levels have been so high these past couple of days. My doctor told me he would not prescribe me any medications, so I have resorted to looking for herbal muscle relaxers. I have tried five different ones so far and none have done a thing. My gramma found half of a Diazepam last night that I took before I went to bed. It did nothing... I feel like I am going to die. When I think the pain can't get any worse, it does. My whole body is almost to the point of being totally numb with pain.

So that is why I haven't felt like writing. I have been thinking about writing though. I have decided to do a couple posts on one topic. I was going to do just one simple post on it but as I was thinking and writing it out, I found that I want to make it a chain of posts. So I will do that. Hopefully I will post the first one by the end of this week.

Well, that is all for now. I am still reading all of your blog posts, I just may not be posting as often while I am in this much pain.

I hope it will subside soon...


Sunday, May 23, 2010

All Done!

I have just finished making all of my alters an avatar! That was so much fun :) You can see them all here.

I leave in a couple hours to go back to my grandparents house. I am very glad, too, because my two youngest sisters - Raena and Ruthie - are driving me insane! I know they are at that "awkward stage" in life where you're trying to figure out who you are and your hormones are drastically changing and you have to be 'perfect' all the time, but it gets old... And my mom has been especially clingy lately and I really can't deal with that right now. I need to be able to focus on myself and my alters because we're having a really difficult time right now. I will miss Bri and Brooke though. We usually end up texting or talking on the phone constantly throughout the week.

Making those avatars was really fun though. I got to spend a little time with each alter as we created their avatar and there wasn't any pressure or negative feelings. We just enjoyed being with each other and creating something. That is really rare for me and some of the alters who like to stir up trouble. It was nice to see a better side of them.


Saturday, May 22, 2010


I have nothing new to report today. I've been in bed for most of the day because I have been so sick.

But while I was lying in bed, I came across this really cool website where you can create avatars for free. So I have been making an avatar that looks like each one of my alters and I have been adding them to "My Splits" page. If you have some time, go take a look! Since I can't draw, I thought this was pretty close to the next best thing :) For now anyway.



Friday, May 21, 2010

Power vs Force

What is the difference between the two?

T and I talked about this during our session today. She asked me how power and force were different. I said when I think of force, I think of "push" and when I think of power, I think "pull".

She then asked me if I created my splits out of power or force. I thought about it for a minute, and then I said "force".

'Why did you say that?' she asked.

'Because,' I said, 'I forced myself to split so I didn't have to deal with the hurt and the pain and the abuse anymore.'

'You are right on,' she said. 'What do you think the splits use now? Power or force?'

I wasn't quite sure how to answer this question. When I think of power, I think of control. When someone has power, they have control. When I think of my splits, I don't necessarily see them as having power - or control - right now, because of the rapid switching, dissociating, and major loss of, well, control. I didn't think they used force either, because if that were the case then I would be in a very bad state right now. And although I feel like I am crashing down hard and fast, I don't think it is because they are forcing that upon me. So I answered, 'Power. Except, I don't think they have either right now.'

'You are right on.'

We then talked about regaining that power for myself and the splits. Someone needs to be in control - in a good way. There needs to be healthy decisions going on, a secure and safe system, a way to deal with simple and hard things. We need to be able to sleep at night to function during the day. We need to be able to focus and remember things. We need to get better physically. Right now we are not in that place, so we need to find our way back.

T and I then talked about my need for control.

We try so hard to be in control. On the outside, we make it look like we are normal, and possibly as far from in control as possible so no one knows that we are in control. Even though deep down in us somewhere we know we can never be in control, which seems to push us to want to be in even more control. And that vicious cycle just keeps going round and round until we break.

She told me that this will cause us to self-destruct and completely fall apart. I agree with her.

So my assignment this week is to let it go. Don't try so hard to control everything and just let it go. Part of my assignment is to write down the things that I feel I have a need to control and why I feel I need to control them. I have two weeks to do this since we cannot meet next week due to Memorial Day weekend.

I also brought up with her about how I feel that she has been acting different and how I don't feel that she is really hearing me (see post). She told me she had had a couple of rough weeks but it is over now and she is back on track. She showed me all of her notes from our more recent sessions and I am surprised at how good of a note taker she is. I feel so much better about the whole situation. When I walked in right before our session, I could just tell she was doing so much better and she looked happy. It was such a huge comfort after such a rough couple of weeks.

And also you can see that I did not leave town to go be with K for the weekend. I talked to Rae last night and this morning and we decided that it would be better if we stagger our visits so that K can have support for a longer period of time instead of all in one weekend. I agreed with this and I am actually very relived. I really needed to see T and I was under way too much stress. I am hopefully going to be going to visit K next weekend.

I also got my student teaching assignment this afternoon! I am very excited and I will actually be student teaching in one of my old elementary schools, so that should be interesting. I was assigned 4th grade which is a HUGE relief! I really want to teach 5th - 9th grades and I was so worried that I was going to get K-3 or something, but 4th is great. I am very excited! I still don't have my other student teaching assignment. Since I am a dual major (Special Ed and Elementary Ed) I will do 8 weeks regular ed and 8 weeks special ed, so I am still waiting on my special ed assignment. I am hoping for a junior high placement so we'll see!

Okay this post is long enough. I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Shaking From the Stress

I want to cry/scream/run/break down all at the same time.

This morning my best friend K called me. Her mom passed away. (Her dad passed away when she was younger, so she has no parents, no grandparents, and one great grandma left and K is only 23).

I had the most horrible nightmare last night - I woke up covered in blood, puke, and urine which hasn't happened to me since I was ritually abused.

A new alter popped up today. Her name is Kamry and she is 2.

I have four doctor's appointments tomorrow after work that are over an hour away.

I have been switching so much today, I'm not sure which way is up.

And K really really wants me to go stay with her this weekend - she lives three hours away.

So I have to decide which doctor's appointments to cancel, how I am going to avoid going back to my parents house so I only have to drive 3 hours instead of 5, and how I am going to make myself okay enough to be there for her one hundred percent.

I am VERY stressed out right now.

I am breathing and focusing on calming myself down. Everything will be okay and everything will work out if this is what needs to happen right now.

**Trigger warning**
My dream was so horrible. I was stuck in this tiny room, backed up against a wall. I felt like I was about 10 or 11 years old. Three of my past abusers were there (my uncle, and two of my Grandma C's ex husbands). They took turns raping me for what felt like hours. They were saying disgusting and demeaning things to me. I felt like I was going to die. And no matter how hard I tried, I could not get them off of me. I could not hurt them. I could not scream. I could hardly move. And I couldn't wake up. I have never had a dream feel so real before.

I woke up not knowing how old I was or where I was. And then I saw the blood and vomit and urine - I started bawling.

It took me two hours to calm myself down and realize where I was, how old I was, and that my abusers were no where near me.
**End of triggers**

So my day has been pretty rough. Luckily I only have a half a day at work tomorrow due to all of the doctor appointments.

I have a feeling I won't be sleeping tonight...

And if I do end up going to stay with K for the weekend, I don't plan on taking my laptop so I may be offline for the next couple of days.


P.S. Did I mention that if I go see K this weekend that my ex-best friend Rae will be there also? Ya...I'm freaking out.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Counting Down to Friday

I am currently debating whether or not to post today. Obviously if you are reading this then I ended up posting after all.

Today was a little bit better. I managed to sleep for 45 minutes and it apparently did something good for me.

My whole body was completely swollen all day and I felt horrible. I told my mom to call the doctor and hopefully I will get in this Friday. If not, I will have to wait a while.

T finally e-mailed me back this morning. She's planning on seeing me Friday afternoon.

I am counting down the days until Friday.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Dissociating Like Mad

I am beyond exhausted today - I was falling asleep at my desk this morning for the first 3 to 4 hours. I have had so many things trigger memories for me today that I am mentally and emotionally exhausted as well. I'm surprised I haven't started crying yet.

I really want to see my T. Things are getting so much worse for me right now and the dissociating is getting so bad that not only do I not remember most things, but my splits aren't able to remember much either - which means they are dissociating as well. Great...

Going running in the mornings doesn't seem to help me like it used to, but I'm not going to stop. I'm hoping that eventually it will start to help all of us clear our mind and become more in tune with one another.

I'm too foggy/dissociated right now to write anymore.

Monday, May 17, 2010

It's Only Monday

Today was very long and exhausting. I have been up since 3 am - not by choice - and after two hours of trying to fall back asleep, I decided to get up and go running. All day was very slow at work and I was stuck doing the same thing for 8 hours straight. My brain feels numb and I'm dissociating like crazy today.

I'm still in a lot of pain, which is probably why I feel so foggy right now. I'm thinking I will go to bed early tonight and pray that I sleep long enough to recover somewhat.

I love being with my grandparents. They are amazing and I feel so safe and protected here. I don't have to worry about any of my abusers coming over or anything of the sort. I am finally able to breathe and relax.

It has been hard going for so long without having a session with my T. I still haven't heard back from her if Friday is good for her or not. I really hope it is because if it isn't, it will be a couple more weeks until I can see her again (she will be out of town and then I will be out of town). Crossing my fingers on this one.

I hope all of you had good starts to your week! And thank you so much for reading and your comments. They mean so much to me :)


Sunday, May 16, 2010


My whole life has revolved around pain - both physical and emotional. I have many physical problems - TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint disorder - (severe pain in jaw)), Fibromyalgia, severe food allergies, severe allergies in general, head migraines, abdominal migraines, collapsed foot, and the list goes on... I am constantly being prescribed pain meds and muscle relaxers just so I can get out of bed in the morning. Most of these things will get worse over time and are not treatable.

For the past week I have been having severe TMJ pain so I have been taking Ibuprofen (which I am very allergic to). It helps with the pain enough to tolerate it, but the ibuprofen just totally eats up and destroys my stomach - causing a whole new severe pain. Every day I contemplate if I want severe jaw pain and a little stomach pain or severe stomach pain and a little jaw pain. Neither is preferred, and both result in me not being able to eat. I just want to cry.

Today I have been trying so hard not to take the ibuprofen, but right now my jaw is screaming at me and it is causing a lovely head migraine which is also starting to scream at me. I want to cave in a just take the ibuprofen but I know my stomach will be so upset. I wish I could find a doctor who could help me with my TMJ. I have tried so many doctors with only temporary relief. Surgery is not an option for me because of how severe my TMJ is. The doctors are afraid I will be worse off with surgery. Right now I want my jaw to be removed completely.

Tomorrow I start working full time, which means I will be partially moving in with my grandparents so I don't have to drive an hour to work and an hour back home. I'm really looking forward to this arrangement because it will give me a much needed break from my family and it will allow me to spend time with my grandparents. I absolutely love them and they are such an amazing example to me.

I am going to take some ibuprofen now. Maybe I can sleep through the stomach pain....

Friday, May 14, 2010

What Happened, T?

Today has been so hard... I can't remember anything at all. I think I'm dissociating so badly at this point that I don't even know if "I" am actually out.

I have been holding back these feelings about my T for a few weeks now, hoping that things would straighten out and turn out to be nothing but they seem to be getting worse.

Lately, I feel like my T is having memory problems. We talk about something really big or important in a session, and then the next week it will come up again and she will act like it is completely new and I am sitting there telling her that no, it is not new - we just talked about it last week. But she will have no memory of it. She proceeds to tell me that it is a "breakthrough" and so on. This has happened so many times over the past two or three months that I am beginning to wonder what is going on with her...

Then there are things that we have worked on in the past that I am done working through and I have healed and moved on, but she proceeds to bring them up over and over and wants me to keep working on them. Sometimes she brings up things from so long ago that I have completely forgotten about them. She isn't purposely bringing up old stuff - it is like she has totally forgotten what we have done and she really wants me to be able to work through them. Only problem is, I've already done it!

She has never had a problem like this before. She usually has a much better memory than I do. I don't know if I should be worried about this or what. I tried talking to her about it about two or three weeks ago but she didn't seem to understand how concerned I was about it. And then the next session it was like we never had talked about it at all. Is this totally weird? Or am I reading way too much into things?

Sometimes I wonder if she is actually writing things down on her notepad that I am saying or if she is just scribbling nothing. She tells me she will e-mail me after our session - like a specific assignment for me or the splits, or things she wants me to bring to the next session, or things to start thinking about, etc - but she never e-mails me. And when I show up at the next session, she doesn't even mention the assignments she was suppose to e-mail me! It's just so confusing... She's not even old - she's about 42 or 43. I don't know. I just really don't know.

I didn't get to see her on Tuesday because her daughter was really sick and I thought I would be okay with it but today has just been so hard for me that I am really wishing I had seen her. Now I have to wait until next Friday because I start working full time on Monday, and that's only if her schedule works out.

And that's another thing. In our last session I told her that I would be switching to working full time during the summer and that I would need to start meeting with her on either Monday mornings or Friday afternoons. She told me that Friday afternoons would be perfect for her and to plan on that for the summer. So today I e-mailed her to confirm next Friday, and she told me that she didn't know if it would work and she would get back to me. Um...what?! She had just said that she could!! I am so confused....

I'm not sure what to do with this whole situation. I really love my T and I don't want to stop going to her, but I feel like something is going on with her that is starting to affect our sessions and my getting better. Should I bring it up with her again and see if we actually get somewhere with it? I just don't know...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Work + No Sleep = Not Good

I wanted to give a little update on my ex-best friend Rae from my post a couple of days ago. We have talked every single day since then and things seem to be getting less awkward. I actually ended up running into her at Walmart TWICE on Saturday afternoon, so that was weird. I still don't know when we are going to have the big conversation, but I'm fine with putting it off for a little while longer.

Today has been really tough for me. I'm not sleeping so I am beyond exhausted. I was so tired today at work that I kept forgetting where I was, and then I would have to figure out what I was in the middle of doing. It was like before I was diagnosed with DID and having to constantly figure out my life (not that it is any different now with the diagnosis, but still...).

And some girls at work today were making fun of a lady who kept calling the office. She gave them five different names so the girls were saying she had multiple personalities. They then proceeded to make fun of her by imitating her and cracking rude jokes. I wanted to cry. They don't know that I have DID and if they did, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have done that. But there is no way that I will ever tell them so I just sat in my office and let them carry on. I was too shocked to say anything about it.

I sure do hope I sleep tonight. It seems that the more I try to find a way to sleep better, the harder it is for me to sleep. Sleeping used to be my favorite activity, and if I could sleep it would still be my favorite activity.

I might possibly being going on date #3 tomorrow night. I guess we'll see what happens!


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Running With Mom

Mom convo Part 1
Mom convo Part 2

I went running again this morning (I can't remember if I mentioned yesterday that I am going running in the mornings again) and mom was up when I was about to leave - so she asked to tag along.

Some of you know that I HATE talking in the mornings. It doesn't matter who I am talking to, I just don't like it. My splits know that, my sisters know that, my friends know that, so they know not to talk to me until I say something.

Apparently my mom doesn't remember that little quirk about me, and to make things a little more irritating was her asking if she could go running with me. I go running because it really helps me and my splits to bond. It is our special "alone time" in nature. It is our time to heal with each other and to do something we all love. If someone is with us, it just doesn't have the same effect.

So I let my mom come this morning. I stuck in my ipod headphones and started running.

Of course, my mom being who she is, started talking to me. It started out with the normal day to day things "so and so did this yesterday" and "I have to take so and so to the doctor" and "Grandma found another article for you about health" and so on. Nothing triggering, but I don't like talking in the morning or hearing someone talking in the morning.

About a mile into it, she started asking me about my splits. Instead of freaking out about it, I told myself "you can be in control of this situation. Mom is not trying to bully you, she just wants to know more. You don't have to answer her questions if you don't want to. You don't have to make it a big deal out of it. Stay calm. If you feel threatened or unsure, tell her you don't want to talk about it anymore."

And surprisingly, IT WORKED! I felt very in control of the situation. I didn't let her questions offend me or bother me. When she asked something I didn't feel comfortable answering, I would tell her that. It was a very good conversation. I felt so proud of myself!

We finished our run and I went on with my day, but it just felt so good to finally have a conversation with my mom that didn't end badly. I think these boundaries are working :)

My last final was today. I think it went well. I felt really confident on the first 60 questions, and then I just had this feeling of wanting to be DONE so I didn't really give it my best on the last 15 questions... Oh well. I just hope I pass it!

I am so incredibly tired today... I took two naps - that's how tired I am! I never sleep and I took TWO naps! Hopefully tonight I will actually get some sleep and be at a functioning level tomorrow.

I see my T in the morning (she was sick today so she rescheduled for tomorrow). This past week was one of those weeks where I didn't feel like I really needed to see my T, but I like the consistency and the support she provides so I will go anyway. Who knows, something completely random could pop up in our session.

I hope you all are having a fabulous week!


Monday, May 10, 2010

What Would It Be Like?

When I was 3 years old, I came to the horrifying realization that I would never know what it was like to be another person.

I would never see out of another person’s eyes.

I have always wanted to know everything that people were thinking, feeling, seeing, wanting, needing, etc. The first person I really wanted to know that well was my mom, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t be her. I couldn’t know what she was thinking, feeling, seeing, wanting, needing, etc. And it scared me so badly.

I first started out by watching other people very intensely. I would observe their actions, their reactions to things, their emotions. I had to know everything I could about people, especially the people closest to me – either by proximity or by relation.

It got to the point where I would need that control to function. I had to know how to act around people so I wouldn’t get hurt. If my dad was angry or upset, I had to learn how to pick up on it before he could hurt me really bad. I also had to figure out how to act around him in these kinds of situations.

I needed to know how to sense my abusers emotions when they would come around. I had to know how badly I was going to be hurt – how badly I was going to feel afterward. If there was any possibility of getting away.

I had to sense when I would be taken in the night to a ritual. I had to be able to function after I was drugged. I had to be able to sense how to act, how to be, how to hide inside myself.

This is my need to be in control of every situation. It is my want to be a people pleaser. I realize hardly anything is in my control, but I like to feel like it is. It is probably why I am very OCD about everything and why I try so badly to please the people around me.

This post was really hard for me to write. I feel like I didn’t finish writing everything I needed to...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Motions

I've been having a really rough couple of months because the dissociating has been so horrible for all of us lately. I haven't been able to figure out what is causing it to be so bad, but I think it may be the new medication I started in late February. I don't know what to do about it though... I can't just stop taking it because I am on so many different things and it may just be one of the meds. And they are actually helping me to get better and to feel better, and I am afraid that if I stop taking them then I won't feel too good. I don't know when I can get in to see the doctor again...hopefully soon.

Anyway, this song has been playing through my mind a lot the past two months and I wanted to share it...

The Motions by Matthew West

The Motions by Matthew West

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

Take me all the way (take me all the way)
Take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
Take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

Take me all the way (take me all the way)
Take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
Take me all the way (through the motions)
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Date #2 = Iron Man 2

It has been a long day... I was up until 4am talking to my ex-best friend. I got less than an hour of "rest/sleep" until I had to get up. We showed our house again today so I spent the majority of the day cleaning. Then in the afternoon the guy who asked me out on a date a couple of weeks ago asked me out again for tonight! We ended up going with a small group of people to see Iron Man 2 (my sister Bri and her date were in the group as well). I have never seen the first Iron Man, and I know nothing about it so I was very confused throughout the movie but I still had fun. Afterward we all went to our house and played games. It was really fun :)

But the dissociating and switching is getting much worse. I don't know if it is getting worse because I am so tired lately or what but it is bad... I don't know if I should worry about it or not. I have never had a problem with it for this long before. I don't know what I can do about it though. It takes all I have just to be around people. It's like I don't have enough energy to act "normal" in reality.

I'm going to bed now since I am exhausted. I hope everyone is having a good weekend so far!


Friday, May 7, 2010

Ex-Best Friend

Tonight I had a really difficult conversation with my ex-best friend. Let's call her Rae.

Our history:
We met in college. We were both first semester freshman and we were paired up as roommates with 14 other girls. (We lived in a dorm room with four bedrooms and a common room). We instantly became best friends and did everything together. Everyone thought we were twins and had a hard time telling us apart. The funny thing is, we looked nothing alike. I have blond hair, she has brown. I have blue eyes, she has brown. I am about 5'10", she is 5'7". And so on... People just couldn't tell us apart.

We remained roommates for two years, moving from the dorms to a duplex, and later from the duplex to a house. We graduated from the two year college and moved back home (our families had lived about 2 miles from each other and we had never met!) About two months after moving back, I got a nasty text message from her saying she wanted to end our friendship.

We didn't talk for a whole year. Randomly one morning last July, I got a text from her. We have been texting back and forth ever since - not frequently, but often. I have seen her in person three different times at church functions and a baby shower. We haven't really hung out yet or really talked in person because things are still awkward.

Anyway, tonight we had been texting back and forth for a few hours when she randomly brought up that she felt like she was avoiding the reasoning for ending our friendship. She asked me if I wanted to get together to talk about what all happened between us.

I really want to talk to her about it, but it scares me to death. I think I am afraid to become close friends with her again. I trusted her so much and then she basically left me behind with no intention of coming back. Both of us have changed so much in the last two years since the "break up", but part of me really wants to be friends again.

We texted for a few hours about how we felt about talking in person. About bringing up all the reasons and mistakes that were made. I told her I wasn't quite ready to talk, but that I felt like we really need to before whatever we have now can turn into a true friendship.

I feel emotionally drained and at a total loss for what to do. I really want to try to make things right between us because we had the greatest friendship. Everyone was so jealous of how close we were. I really want that back, but I don't know if I am ready to trust that much again. It was hard enough the first time...

*Sigh* I think I need some more time to think about all of this.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Sleeping Issues

As I posted a couple of days ago, my T wants us to try to sleep all at the same time at night. Well, we tried it on Tuesday night...

Wednesday my brain was on overdrive ALL DAY LONG. OH. MY. GOSH. Talk about CRAZY!

I could not sit still for the life of me. I was constantly moving. I got nothing done. My stress levels rose so high I thought I was going to be ill. I couldn't focus on anything. I was talking a mile a minute. My splits were going crazy because we had so much energy. It was NOT GOOD.

So I am NEVER going to have us all sleep at the same time again. Ever.

Now I'm not quite sure what to do. I wish I kept track of what we did differently on those rare nights I would actually get a good night sleep, but it has been so long that I can't even remember. I guess we will just have to keep experimenting.

But after my experience yesterday, I don't want to try anything for a few days. I can't be on overdrive like that or else one of my splits becomes suicidal. Weird, I know. I figured this out a few years ago when one of my doctors put me on a new medication (can't remember the name of it...) but it was h*ll for the fourteen hours it was in my system. Everything we saw or thought of or came in contact with was an object or an idea for suicide. I honestly didn't think I would survive from it it was so bad. I tried to tell my doctor how bad the side effects were (without mentioning the DID) and he didn't believe me. So I haven't gone back to him since. It's not worth the risk.

Wow my brain is still on that overdrive mode I guess because I am still having trouble thinking and concentrating.

I hope you all are doing well.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I Hate Goodbyes

“Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now.” – Airplanes by B.o.B.

This song has played on the radio seven times today.

I forgot to mention in my last post that my last night of classes was on Monday. Tonight we had our class party. My teacher (she makes my favorites list which only has 3 other teachers on it) pulled me aside after everyone else had left and told me how proud of me she was and that she was so excited for me to start student teaching next semester. She told me that I am going to be a great teacher and she can’t wait for me to start teaching. I was her favorite student this semester and last semester and she said I better keep in touch with her. She heard that my story was published in a literary journal and so she wants me to send it to her so she can read it. She is just so awesome. I am going to miss seeing her every week.

Today was hard for me and I think it is because I really hate goodbyes. “Goodbye” just seems so final… I avoid the word as often as I possibly can. Tonight when the party was wrapping up and everyone started to leave, I felt this overwhelming sadness. This teacher has been such a huge part of my life for the past year and she has been so amazing for us. I hope I can work with her again in the future.

I'm too emotionally drained right now, so I'm going to stop this short. I will post more tomorrow - about sleeping.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Much Better!

I had my session with T today and I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

I guess the whole "integration at night" thing was a big misunderstanding.

The first thing I said when we started our session was how much I was against integration at night. We talked about it for a good 15 minutes and I still wasn't feeling comfortable with it. So I asked her to explain to me exactly what she was wanting me and my splits to try.

Apparently she didn't explain it well last week because it has nothing to do with integration at all. She said that she shouldn't have used the word "integration" because it clearly caused so much confusion, but she didn't know what else to call it.

She basically wants all of us (me and my splits) to designate a time we all settle down and fall asleep together. I know some of you suggested this to me in comments and in e-mails. She wants us to all sleep as a whole - not integrated, but as if we were all one person. And then when we wake up, we carry on like normal. It took me a while to finally understand what she was saying, but now I feel so much better about it. It is going to be hard and I will have to work at it with my splits, but I really hope it can be accomplished and actually work so I can sleep better.

We also talked about mixed messages between parents and their children. My parents send so many mixed messages to me and my sisters. I am constantly trying to figure out what my parents are saying and most of the time it just doesn't work. My T suggested that from now on, whenever my parents say a mixed message that I call them out on it by asking "what are you really saying?" It's funny how something to simple can totally change communication. I just hope it works.

We talked about some other things that I don't want to go into right now, but I did want to update all of you on the integration at night issue. I cannot express how much better I feel now that I have clarified it and understand what she was trying to say.

Today has been very eventful. I woke up at 5 am to go running and then went to see my T. Right after our session I headed to a small town (about 2.25 hours away) where I attended my first two years of college, to visit friends and go through a Mormon temple that was recently built there. I had a blast! I got to see and hang out with so many old friends which was just so good for me and my splits. It was also nice to have a road-trip with just me and the splits. We always have so much fun together when we take road-trips alone. And the temple was amazing! It was very beautiful on the inside and the outside. The artwork was pretty incredible. I spent the majority of the day down there in town with friends. I got to visit with my old biology teacher who is my all time favorite teacher - ever. He was so supportive of me and I was able to talk to him about things I was going through at the time I was taking his classes (I took four of his classes within two semesters). He is just so amazing and I have missed him since I moved back home! He was very happy to see me and it just totally made my day to be able to see him again. This whole trip was just so great. And it was completely spontaneous, which is SO not like me...but it was good for me anyway.

I feel like this post doesn't make much sense...Hopefully it does make sense and it just appears to not make sense because I am so wiped out from driving and running around everywhere.

I hope your week is going good so far!


Sunday, May 2, 2010

A Huge Blessing

I have been thinking lately about how lucky I was to find this DID blogging world. I came across it by complete accident and ever since then I have felt like I belong somewhere. Like someone else cares besides my T. Like I can express my true feelings for once without being mocked or misunderstood. This whole new world has been such a huge blessing to me.

So I just wanted to take the time to thank all of you who read my blog, leave me comments, e-mail me, have their own blog, follow me on twitter, etc. It has had such a huge impact on my life and I am so grateful for all of you!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and are ready for a new week!


Saturday, May 1, 2010

Deep Cleaning

I woke up covered in hives. I'm not sure what the allergic reaction was. I kinda think one of the splits ate something that we are allergic to...if that is the case I think I know who that could be... She tends to get very upset or angry and then goes straight for the foods we are allergic to (which is basically everything, but still, she knows better).

I spent the majority of the day cleaning out my closet. This has been on my "to do" list for almost a year now. I pulled every box off the shelf and set them up side by side in my room and I went through each one. I found all kinds of stuff! Old school papers and projects, drawings, stuffed animals, old toys, journals, etc. I found so many things that I had done with my splits when I was younger. Now that I look at it and know it was me and my splits, it's funny to think that I didn't know about them at the time I was diagnosed with DID.

I found many things that I don't ever remember having or don't remember doing. Going through all of my things today just seemed to reaffirm that I do in deed have DID. There were times in the past few years where I would doubt it but today definitely cleared up any doubt!

My brain feels like it is on over-drive today. All my thoughts are going by so fast that I can't type them out at the same speed. So if this post isn't making much sense, that is probably why!

I still haven't slept in almost 4 weeks. I'm not sure how much longer I can go before we finally crash and sleep. I am hoping it is soon because I am soooo tired!