I wrote out a whole detailed blog post of what has been going on but the more I wrote, the more I realized that I really didn't need all the details. So here are the main points...
1. I have found my true best friend (post). She is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. She has not only accepted me and my alters, and gotten to know me and each of them individually, but has also played a significant part in my healing process these past few months.
2. Back in November, I had two very severe allergic reactions that put me in the hospital. Fast forward to February, I am still trying to recover from both of these reactions.
3. A very good friend of mine's 6 year old daughter passed away at the end of November. That same friend ended up in the hospital a week later and has been there since.
4. My new T has become very flaky and strange things seem to be happening with her. I see her about once every 3-4 weeks and I'm supposed to see her weekly.
5. I still love teaching and I have the best students this year. I have had the amazing opportunity to touch so many lives. These kids really look up to me because they can see that my life is different from most other people (my many allergies and pain is known throughout the school now because of my hospital stay back in Nov). They see that even though I have things going against me and preventing me from doing certain things, I still make the best out of what I can. And that drives me to stay positive for them.
It's good to be back :)
*Bee
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Hello, to the Old and the New!
I have been away from my blog for a few months now, very unexpectedly and unintentionally. I apologize and hope to start writing again much more frequently. I'm so happy to see that I have my same followers still reading and even more followers who have joined while I have been away! Welcome to all of you and I hope you have found at least a little bit of what you were searching for.
I'm currently working on a post to update everyone on what has been going on in my crazy life/world and will be posting it shortly. Thanks again to all of your comments, emails, tweets, messages, texts, etc over the past few months. You guys are amazing and a big part of my healing. I hope I am able to do the same for you too. See you all around :)
*Bee
I'm currently working on a post to update everyone on what has been going on in my crazy life/world and will be posting it shortly. Thanks again to all of your comments, emails, tweets, messages, texts, etc over the past few months. You guys are amazing and a big part of my healing. I hope I am able to do the same for you too. See you all around :)
*Bee
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Best Friend
My whole life, I've always wanted that person I could call my true "best friend".
You know what I'm talking about - the kind of friend you read about in a book or see in a movie. They are always there 100%, never judging, say encouraging words, hold you when you're sad, celebrates when you're happy, and is just an all-around great person. I've always wanted that... I've wanted to be able to trust another person completely so I could have a friendship that strong, but I guess I've just always assumed I would never have something that great.
I work with a girl (let's call her M) who I met back in the beginning of August. She teaches in the same hallway I do and we ended up working together quite a bit. Over the past month and a half, we have been spending more and more time together because of work - naturally, we started to get to know each other better and started hanging out together more and more outside of work.
Over the past few weeks, we've spent as much time as we can at work together, as much time outside of school together, and texting/talking on the phone the rest of the time. We ended up hanging out one night and pulled an all-nighter and talked for about 14 hours straight. It was one of the best nights of my life because I was able to share with her things I've never told anybody else and she was able to do the same with me.
I was also able to share my DID with her and what really impressed me was the first question she asked me after I told her. She said, "Bee, I would really like to get to know your other personalities if that's okay with you guys?"
No one has ever asked me if they could get to know my alters. I told her heck yes!
*Bee
You know what I'm talking about - the kind of friend you read about in a book or see in a movie. They are always there 100%, never judging, say encouraging words, hold you when you're sad, celebrates when you're happy, and is just an all-around great person. I've always wanted that... I've wanted to be able to trust another person completely so I could have a friendship that strong, but I guess I've just always assumed I would never have something that great.
I work with a girl (let's call her M) who I met back in the beginning of August. She teaches in the same hallway I do and we ended up working together quite a bit. Over the past month and a half, we have been spending more and more time together because of work - naturally, we started to get to know each other better and started hanging out together more and more outside of work.
Over the past few weeks, we've spent as much time as we can at work together, as much time outside of school together, and texting/talking on the phone the rest of the time. We ended up hanging out one night and pulled an all-nighter and talked for about 14 hours straight. It was one of the best nights of my life because I was able to share with her things I've never told anybody else and she was able to do the same with me.
I was also able to share my DID with her and what really impressed me was the first question she asked me after I told her. She said, "Bee, I would really like to get to know your other personalities if that's okay with you guys?"
No one has ever asked me if they could get to know my alters. I told her heck yes!
*Bee
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Things I Wish I Could Say
I had a session with my T on Monday. Instead of telling her all the things that I have been struggling with the past few weeks, I let one of my alters be out for the time with her.
These are the things I wish I could have said to her...
I'm so overwhelmed by my anxiety that my weight has dropped far below the normal range - it is starting to become a major concern. It's even more frustrating because the people around me make comments about how they wish they could lose weight as fast. I wish I could tell them that this is NOT a good thing...
Some of my alters are constantly screaming. Nothing I do soothes them or makes them stop.
My pain levels are starting to rise again. Some are really high and it's a struggle to do simple things - even just getting out of bed in the morning.
We're all struggling with sleep again and it's starting to effect us during the day - major loss of focus, no attention span, major dissociation/switching, memory loss, fainting spells, exhaustion, etc.
Side effects from new medications are becoming a major concern.
I'm feeling like a total fake and a liar because my roommates don't know about my DID or my alters. I feel like I can't be myself and I feel like I'm constantly hiding something. I hate that.
I hate my job because my principal is forcing me into situations that put me in a position that could potentially get me fired. But at the same time I don't want to quit because I love my students and the teachers I work with and it's a job. How in the world am I supposed to deal with that?
I feel incredibly overwhelmed by life because I feel like I have to hold in all of these secrets because of my DID, and because of my job, and because of my health issues, and because of this and that and etc etc etc. I hate secrets. I hate feeling like I'm hiding things from people. I don't want to hold everything in anymore. I want it gone. I want to be done with it.
There is so much more I need to say and write but I can't...at least not right now.
The things I wish I could say...
These are the things I wish I could have said to her...
I'm so overwhelmed by my anxiety that my weight has dropped far below the normal range - it is starting to become a major concern. It's even more frustrating because the people around me make comments about how they wish they could lose weight as fast. I wish I could tell them that this is NOT a good thing...
Some of my alters are constantly screaming. Nothing I do soothes them or makes them stop.
My pain levels are starting to rise again. Some are really high and it's a struggle to do simple things - even just getting out of bed in the morning.
We're all struggling with sleep again and it's starting to effect us during the day - major loss of focus, no attention span, major dissociation/switching, memory loss, fainting spells, exhaustion, etc.
Side effects from new medications are becoming a major concern.
I'm feeling like a total fake and a liar because my roommates don't know about my DID or my alters. I feel like I can't be myself and I feel like I'm constantly hiding something. I hate that.
I hate my job because my principal is forcing me into situations that put me in a position that could potentially get me fired. But at the same time I don't want to quit because I love my students and the teachers I work with and it's a job. How in the world am I supposed to deal with that?
I feel incredibly overwhelmed by life because I feel like I have to hold in all of these secrets because of my DID, and because of my job, and because of my health issues, and because of this and that and etc etc etc. I hate secrets. I hate feeling like I'm hiding things from people. I don't want to hold everything in anymore. I want it gone. I want to be done with it.
There is so much more I need to say and write but I can't...at least not right now.
The things I wish I could say...
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Introducing My Alters
Fall and spring are typically very tough times of the year for both me and my alters, especially fall. I've noticed over the past few years that talking to our T is just not enough for us to express what is going on and we're often left feeling depressed and alone with no one else to talk to between sessions. I've been thinking of ways to fix this problem and the only thing I've come up with so far is sharing my blog with them. We've kind of done this in the past but now I want them to make themselves known and really express what's going on for them. I hope it will not only help them individually and all of us as a whole person but each of my readers as well and maybe even their alters.
I know some of you already share your blog with your alters so any ideas or tips or anything would be greatly appreciated!
Have a great week :)
*Bee
I know some of you already share your blog with your alters so any ideas or tips or anything would be greatly appreciated!
Have a great week :)
*Bee
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I Am Ready! Bring It On!
I have had the amazing opportunity to move in with some beyond amazing girls who have changed and are changing my life for the better. I have never been so happy all the time in my entire life. No matter what kind of day I've had, as soon as I walk into my house a smile appears on my face simply because the energy is so good and happy and I feel loved. I feel accepted. I feel at peace and safe. For the first time in my life, I know what "home" feels like.
The three times I have had to go back to my parents house (for whatever reason - borrowed/returned something, birthday, etc) since I've moved out, I've hated the feeling/energy in their house and I just wanted to leave it. All of my friends and co-workers have been commenting on how much happier I've been and how happy I look all the time. Even my twin sister says she can tell that my whole life has turned around in these last 3 weeks.
This is probably the best thing I could have ever done for myself and my alters. I am so blessed to have found this house and these amazing girls to be my roommates. We have all instantly become really good friends and I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now. I am so excited to finally be able to do some serious work in therapy so I can heal and really move on in life.
I AM READY! BRING IT ON!
*Bee
The three times I have had to go back to my parents house (for whatever reason - borrowed/returned something, birthday, etc) since I've moved out, I've hated the feeling/energy in their house and I just wanted to leave it. All of my friends and co-workers have been commenting on how much happier I've been and how happy I look all the time. Even my twin sister says she can tell that my whole life has turned around in these last 3 weeks.
This is probably the best thing I could have ever done for myself and my alters. I am so blessed to have found this house and these amazing girls to be my roommates. We have all instantly become really good friends and I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now. I am so excited to finally be able to do some serious work in therapy so I can heal and really move on in life.
I AM READY! BRING IT ON!
*Bee
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Who Art Thou, Imposter?
My new T and I have been working through some things that my old T had really upset me about in the past. I have been sending my new T some of my old emails to her - (conversations between me and my old T). I came across one particular email that really hit me hard...at first I tried to put it aside and forget it but it kept nagging me in the back of my mind.
At the time, I had been pretty much on bed rest because of my severely high pain levels. I was about 19 years old, on morphine, and basically stuck in bed all day except for when I had my college classes. My old T was convinced that my alters were sabotaging my life and I kept defending them, telling my old T that they weren't making me sick. This is what I wrote to my old T late one night...
“You don’t know what it’s like. There are theories from people who know nothing about having voices in their head. There are things I just know. I can’t prove them, but I know them. I know they are true. I know I have alters who lie and do things I hate, but this is me talking. I live with this disorder every moment of every day. I know things about it that nobody else would know - unless they have alters. There are things I can never tell. Never explain. Never be able to prove. But I know. I know...
At the time, I had been pretty much on bed rest because of my severely high pain levels. I was about 19 years old, on morphine, and basically stuck in bed all day except for when I had my college classes. My old T was convinced that my alters were sabotaging my life and I kept defending them, telling my old T that they weren't making me sick. This is what I wrote to my old T late one night...
“You don’t know what it’s like. There are theories from people who know nothing about having voices in their head. There are things I just know. I can’t prove them, but I know them. I know they are true. I know I have alters who lie and do things I hate, but this is me talking. I live with this disorder every moment of every day. I know things about it that nobody else would know - unless they have alters. There are things I can never tell. Never explain. Never be able to prove. But I know. I know...
I know it sounds weird when I say that I know when I can eat or drink certain things, or when certain things make me feel better or worse. It probably sounds like I’m crazy or that I’m making it up, but I swear I’m not. There is something going on and I can’t figure out what it is. It is frustrating and tiresome and ridiculous but I’m willing to fight for it.
You don’t know what it’s like to live like this. To be afraid of things most people cannot see. To talk to people who are only talking to you. To never sleep; instead, you see things and call them dreams because you don’t know what else to call them. Supposed memories that come to you, and people telling you it’s from your life but you don’t ever remember living it. You go weeks without eating anything and yet you look the exact same – as if no matter how much pain you have to suffer through from starving to death it never shows the effects on the outside.
I can’t explain to someone what it is like to look in a mirror and not recognize the face inside it. How there are some days I wake up and it takes everything inside me to put on a mask and walk through my life like someone else. I am the person that you pretend does not exist, except that is all I am, all of the time.
I feel like I’m always trying to give people what they want or expect, but I’m always falling short. Somehow I end up being the disappointment.
People I thought I knew, I really don’t know at all. Just like they don’t really know me, either."
I know I have come a long way from that point in my life, but there are still times when I feel like that person. I often wonder if I will ever stop feeling like an imposter in my own body?
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Big Changes
So many changes have taken place since I have last had a chance to sit down and blog. Big changes - both good and bad.
Being a teacher is very hard. Oftentimes I work 10 to 12 hour days (or more) because there are just simply not enough school hours to get everything done - and I'm not the only teacher who is staying this long. At least half of the other teachers are pulling crazy hours like this too, sometimes even more. Unexpected things pop up, meetings run long, prep hours disappear, emergencies, etc. Pretty soon you find yourself chained to your desk hidden behind a mountain of papers, wondering how far away the weekend is. I don't want my job to be like that. I want to love my job. I want to look forward to going to work. I love my students and I want to have a positive attitude so when I am working with them I can have a positive influence in their lives.
I moved. I got myself some roommates and moved out of my parents house (yay!) and it is awesome! I forgot how much better I do when I live on my own away from family. It has been a nice change.
I have been struggling. This time of year is always really rough for me and stays rough until after Thanksgiving/Christmas. I'm hoping this year things will be better because I will have a healthy escape (my house) to go to when my family and extended family become too overwhelming or triggering. I also have a new T that is amazing and has already done so much for me and my alters.
*Bee
Being a teacher is very hard. Oftentimes I work 10 to 12 hour days (or more) because there are just simply not enough school hours to get everything done - and I'm not the only teacher who is staying this long. At least half of the other teachers are pulling crazy hours like this too, sometimes even more. Unexpected things pop up, meetings run long, prep hours disappear, emergencies, etc. Pretty soon you find yourself chained to your desk hidden behind a mountain of papers, wondering how far away the weekend is. I don't want my job to be like that. I want to love my job. I want to look forward to going to work. I love my students and I want to have a positive attitude so when I am working with them I can have a positive influence in their lives.
I moved. I got myself some roommates and moved out of my parents house (yay!) and it is awesome! I forgot how much better I do when I live on my own away from family. It has been a nice change.
I have been struggling. This time of year is always really rough for me and stays rough until after Thanksgiving/Christmas. I'm hoping this year things will be better because I will have a healthy escape (my house) to go to when my family and extended family become too overwhelming or triggering. I also have a new T that is amazing and has already done so much for me and my alters.
*Bee
Monday, August 22, 2011
Wow. That Session Was Amazing!
For those of you who have been following my blog, you know that I've been having some major issues with my T. I ended up finding a therapist that I first met with about a week and a half ago - it was that initial "interview" session. Right away I felt this connection to her. Things just felt so right and there was a very powerful energy in the room.
Today I had my first official session with her - wow. That session was AMAZING!
On my way home from my session, I called my T (who I have been seeing for over 5 years) and told her that I wasn't going to be seeing her anymore. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!
Anyway, back to my new T!!
I have an alter who is under the age of 10, and who is always so so angry. She comes out and breaks things, tears things apart, sets fires, bangs her head, yells and screams, ruins anything she can get her hands on. Lately she has been having memories surface and it has been a real struggle for everyone in the system. My old T was afraid to work with her so that alter never came out during our sessions.
Well, today she came out during our first session with new T and WOW! Words cannot describe how amazing this T is. Not only did she meet this alter - new T talked with her the entire 60 minutes, and was so great with her that this alter didn't want to leave. For those of you who have an alter like this, you know how rare this is. This alter, who has hated everything and everyone for as long as I can remember, left today's session with a smile on her face. A SMILE!
Today's session had that same powerful energy - warm, encompassing, friendly, calming. My alters and I pick up on that so fast. I can't believe I've never been able to find her before.
Wow...I'm still just totally baffled and it has been several hours now since the session. I wish everyone could have a therapist who is this amazing.
I'm still "WOW"-ing in my head, over and over again!
*Bee
Today I had my first official session with her - wow. That session was AMAZING!
On my way home from my session, I called my T (who I have been seeing for over 5 years) and told her that I wasn't going to be seeing her anymore. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!
Anyway, back to my new T!!
I have an alter who is under the age of 10, and who is always so so angry. She comes out and breaks things, tears things apart, sets fires, bangs her head, yells and screams, ruins anything she can get her hands on. Lately she has been having memories surface and it has been a real struggle for everyone in the system. My old T was afraid to work with her so that alter never came out during our sessions.
Well, today she came out during our first session with new T and WOW! Words cannot describe how amazing this T is. Not only did she meet this alter - new T talked with her the entire 60 minutes, and was so great with her that this alter didn't want to leave. For those of you who have an alter like this, you know how rare this is. This alter, who has hated everything and everyone for as long as I can remember, left today's session with a smile on her face. A SMILE!
Today's session had that same powerful energy - warm, encompassing, friendly, calming. My alters and I pick up on that so fast. I can't believe I've never been able to find her before.
Wow...I'm still just totally baffled and it has been several hours now since the session. I wish everyone could have a therapist who is this amazing.
I'm still "WOW"-ing in my head, over and over again!
*Bee
Saturday, August 20, 2011
The Waves Keep Coming...
I apologize for the choppy-ness of this post and any triggers it may cause. I've been severely dissociated lately and it's hard to be grounded enough to type clearly.
It all started with the first days back to work with the other fellow teachers - no students. Only a couple of the teachers were here last year with me, all the rest are new. The chemistry is beyond fantastic. It's going to be an amazing year.
One teacher in particular, a male, has taken interest in me. Not in a bad way; he is a really great guy! We're able to joke around with each other at any given moment and it's nice to have someone like that. We've hung out quite a bit over the past few weeks. I'll call him L.N.
The end of the first week of school, with students, some of the teachers went to a restaurant after school to unwind, drink, talk, whatever. I don't drink - I'm very allergic to alcohol - but I went for the social part of it. My boss over my particular department got very drunk. More drunk than I've ever seen at a place like this.
******TRIGGER WARNING********
He ended up hitting on me at first, then talking about his dick - how big it was, how "pleasing" it was. I immediately started freaking out, internally, because externally I had to appear normal. I wanted to get out of there and just go home. L.N. volunteered to take this guy home but I could tell he really didn't want to. L.N. turned to me and asked if I could go with him to take this other guy home. I agreed because I trust L.N. (wow, did I just say that out loud??) but as soon as we got in the car, I regretted it.
The entire 30 minute car ride was my boss talking about how attractive and sexy I was. How big his dick was and how it didn't matter in the end. How I needed to find a good and honest guy to marry and have a family. How much he liked my body and my mind. I was frozen in the backseat, not able to say anything or even move. Absolutely terrifying.
***End Triggers***
We finally got him home and the car ride back was a little better. L.N. kept apologizing over and over again. He could tell I wasn't doing so good.
Ever since that night, I've been extremely dissociated. This whole week has been hell.
I've had several different parents attack me personally. One set of parents yelled at me for 5 minutes until the principal told them that I wasn't their student's teacher last year.
I woke up with a black eye one morning because my alters had been fighting with each other all night long. I've had yelling, screaming, fighting, etc going on in my head while teaching. I honestly don't understand how hell can be going on in your mind but on the outside look so "normal". It's a freaking miracle I haven't had an emotional breakdown yet.
Dissociation is my worst enemy and my best friend.
I got into a huge fight with my best friend - we've been friends for over 13 years now, more than half of my life. It was big and loud and ugly.
Then my sister Bri was yelling at me all week for who knows why!
My sister R called me a jerk and blamed me for not doing something SHE was responsible for.
My sister Ruthie is being taken from our family and will be living somewhere else - no one will tell us how long she'll be gone.
I'm so anxious and stressed out that I can't breathe. I've hardly ate anything. I haven't been sleeping.
I keep all my secrets deep inside of me. When I finally get to a point where I'm ready to talk about one of them, but there is no one to tell, that secret buries itself even deeper and the chances of it coming back up is slim to none.
I'm too exhausted to type anymore...
*Bee
It all started with the first days back to work with the other fellow teachers - no students. Only a couple of the teachers were here last year with me, all the rest are new. The chemistry is beyond fantastic. It's going to be an amazing year.
One teacher in particular, a male, has taken interest in me. Not in a bad way; he is a really great guy! We're able to joke around with each other at any given moment and it's nice to have someone like that. We've hung out quite a bit over the past few weeks. I'll call him L.N.
The end of the first week of school, with students, some of the teachers went to a restaurant after school to unwind, drink, talk, whatever. I don't drink - I'm very allergic to alcohol - but I went for the social part of it. My boss over my particular department got very drunk. More drunk than I've ever seen at a place like this.
******TRIGGER WARNING********
He ended up hitting on me at first, then talking about his dick - how big it was, how "pleasing" it was. I immediately started freaking out, internally, because externally I had to appear normal. I wanted to get out of there and just go home. L.N. volunteered to take this guy home but I could tell he really didn't want to. L.N. turned to me and asked if I could go with him to take this other guy home. I agreed because I trust L.N. (wow, did I just say that out loud??) but as soon as we got in the car, I regretted it.
The entire 30 minute car ride was my boss talking about how attractive and sexy I was. How big his dick was and how it didn't matter in the end. How I needed to find a good and honest guy to marry and have a family. How much he liked my body and my mind. I was frozen in the backseat, not able to say anything or even move. Absolutely terrifying.
***End Triggers***
We finally got him home and the car ride back was a little better. L.N. kept apologizing over and over again. He could tell I wasn't doing so good.
Ever since that night, I've been extremely dissociated. This whole week has been hell.
I've had several different parents attack me personally. One set of parents yelled at me for 5 minutes until the principal told them that I wasn't their student's teacher last year.
I woke up with a black eye one morning because my alters had been fighting with each other all night long. I've had yelling, screaming, fighting, etc going on in my head while teaching. I honestly don't understand how hell can be going on in your mind but on the outside look so "normal". It's a freaking miracle I haven't had an emotional breakdown yet.
Dissociation is my worst enemy and my best friend.
I got into a huge fight with my best friend - we've been friends for over 13 years now, more than half of my life. It was big and loud and ugly.
Then my sister Bri was yelling at me all week for who knows why!
My sister R called me a jerk and blamed me for not doing something SHE was responsible for.
My sister Ruthie is being taken from our family and will be living somewhere else - no one will tell us how long she'll be gone.
I'm so anxious and stressed out that I can't breathe. I've hardly ate anything. I haven't been sleeping.
I keep all my secrets deep inside of me. When I finally get to a point where I'm ready to talk about one of them, but there is no one to tell, that secret buries itself even deeper and the chances of it coming back up is slim to none.
I'm too exhausted to type anymore...
*Bee
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