Monday, September 27, 2010

It Hurts Too Much...

***Possibly Triggering***Possibly Triggering***

Eating is like a punishment.

Abuse I get at least three times a day.

No matter what I eat, it hurts like hell. I'm literally putting myself through hell because I have to eat to live.

I'm doing all I can to not be in so much pain but it doesn't matter. It always hurts like hell. I'm always sick. I'm always in pain. I'm always fighting this losing battle.

And when I don't eat, I finally start to feel better but then my body thinks I'm starving myself and it ends up making it worse when I do start eating again.

I can't handle this anymore.

It's too much!

It hurts too much....


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It's Like...

It's like grading your fingers like cheese.

It's like sticking bamboo shafts in your eye sockets.

It's like cramming 100 different radio stations in your head at once - all on the same volume LOUD.

It's like feeling too much pain and not enough pain.

It's like falling down a 30+ story building with nothing soft to land on.

It's like screaming to be heard but all that comes out is a faint whisper.

It's like appearing to be okay when internally you're clearly not.

It's like wanting water but all you get is ice.

It's like trying to describe what salt tastes like but all you can do is compare it to something that is not like it at all.

*will add more later

10 Signs You're Dealing with a Sociopath

I received an e-mail today asking me to share this article 10 Signs You are Dealing with a Sociopath. It definitely describes a couple of my abusers...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


"It's a mysterious sort of pride in being unsolvable."

My sister Brooke said this to me the other day and I have been thinking about it ever since.

I have DID. Sometimes it can be a blessing, and sometimes it can be h*ll. But despite all the crap I have to put up with now regarding DID, I am glad I have it. Not only because it helped me survive through horrific abuse but because it makes me unique. You have to be pretty d*mn smart to have DID, and knowing that makes me feel incredible.

Every session with my T, I feel like we are piecing together a puzzle. Every day is challenging, in both good ways and bad. But I like the challenge. I love solving things. I love trying to shift things around until they are perfect. I love figuring out how to make things better for me.

With that said, because I like most of my life to be challenging, I find it very unsatisfying when something comes too easily or someone figures out what is wrong with me too quickly. It's almost like a huge disappointment because it wasn't more challenging.

Anyway...enough rambling from me. I just wanted to share this quote because I love it so much!

I love being unsolvable!


Saturday, September 18, 2010

It's A Miracle

It's a miracle I'm even here - out right now. I was gone for a few days, maybe a week? I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm back and I don't want to be.

Why? I'm depressed - like deep, dark, down in the dirt depressed. I'm upset. I'm crying all the time. I don't know where I am half the time. Reality is so disjointed that I keep getting really dizzy and my internal reality seems foreign and far away. I'm in this really weird "between place" that I don't know how to get out of.

We've found two therapists close to my house. One has had 3 DID patients in the past (I don't know if she has any currently because she can't tell me that...). I am going in on Tuesday to interview her. We'll see how that goes... The other therapist has years and years of experience with trauma and PTSD. I don't know if she has experience with DID or dissociation but she was highly recommended from the coordinator I talked to and he said she would know how to help me. I haven't talked to that therapist at all yet, just researched her online. I'm hoping to get in touch with her this week to schedule an interview appointment.

I am severely struggling with this. I don't want to switch therapists. I like mine way too much and I am really scared to see how my splits will react. I know some of them will give me hell and I can't deal with that right now. I just want to get through my student teaching!

On a funnier note, I've been filling out paperwork for the different therapists and I keep running across the question that says, "Please mark/check all that apply: What feelings and thoughts have you had in the past week?" Below it lists several feelings and thoughts that would be interesting to the therapist. I however don't know if I should just put my feelings and thoughts down? Or include everybody's? After starring at it for over 10 minutes, I moved on and left it blank. What do you do when you're asked that question?

I also wanted to know what are some key things I should ask these new therapists when I'm interviewing them? I only have about 30 minutes with the first one so I don't want to waste my time with a bunch of nonsense questions.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Bee is Gone

Hi guys. We wanted to inform you that Bee has disappeared, most likely to be gone until November. If you aren't sure what we mean by that you can read this post.

We will still be reading your blogs just as we always do but we may not post comments just depending on the situation. We don't like to do too much while Bee is gone in that regard.

We are still researching therapists. So far we haven't had much luck, save it be the therapist we found whose office is about 15 - 20 minutes from our house. We still have yet to talk to her on the phone or in person. We don't have high hopes for her, since some of the things she has told us already don't quite sit right with most of us.

We will post occasionally while Bee is gone depending on what is going on. Suggestions are highly welcome as to how to bring her back. As of now we have no idea where she is.

~The Beehive

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Wednesday Session

I still cannot believe what transpired yesterday in my session with my T.

I went to the appointment, talked with her a little before we started, sat where I normally sat - all the usual things. Then my T sat down right in front of me and said, "I need to tell you something, but I don't want you to be offended or to take this the wrong way."

Me: "Okay."

T: "Lately I feel like I haven't been doing enough for you. I feel like we have made no progress, or very little progress lately. With my other clients who do not have DID, I always know what to do next to progress so we are always working towards something. But with you, I have a hard time always knowing where to go next, because I'm dealing with 23 different people versus just one person."

Me: *trying so hard not to smile*

T: "I'm just.... so frustrated! I've been wracking my brain all week trying to figure out what to do. I've thought about helping you find a new therapist, but then I thought if you went to a new therapist then we would have to transfer everything over and make sure they understand where you are at and then they have to get to know you and the splits and that could take 6 - 12 months or more. That wouldn't be helping you progress either."

Me: *still trying so hard not to smile*

T: "I would even be very willing to meet with the new therapist and help her get started with you, but as I thought more about it I just don't know if that would be good for you. Obviously it would depend on the therapist. And then the thought came to me, what if I start meeting with the individual splits one by one and work with them to work through their stuff. That would be making progress. What do you think?

Me: *me thinking - I've wanted to try this all along!* "I think that would be very beneficial to me and the splits."

T: "The only thing is, it would be like seeing one person only twice a year."

Me: "I think we could make it work."

I'm not going to put the rest of the conversation, but basically she brought up ALL the concerns and more that I have been having for the past several months. And guess what? I didn't have to bring up anything at all!! I really feel that now we can start working toward something. We spent most of the session talking about what we can do to start working on progressing. Next week we will try one of the things we came up with.

Something that really made me feel special was the fact that she not only remembered that I disappear this time every year (and have an extremely hard time in general during these next couple of months), but she is having me e-mail her daily. I have to let her know who has been out and what emotions I am feeling, plus any other information I think is relevant to my triggers. She also wants to call me several times during the week to check up on me and she also told me that if things get really bad I can just call her and she will have me come right over. It doesn't matter what time of day or night, she will be there for me.

Wow. Can you say "I care about you, Bee." ? I definitely feel like my T and I are on the same page now.

I am still researching other therapists just in case, but I really feel like this is a new step towards some great progress and healing.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Update On My Search...

In my last post I mentioned that I have been searching for a new therapist. I really appreciate all of the comments and e-mails I have gotten regarding this issue. It has really helped me so much.

I got one e-mail reply from a therapist who is pretty close to where I live. She informed me that she has a lot of experience working with dissociation, and a little bit of experience with DID. She said we can talk more about what my needs are and if I feel comfortable she wants to do an interview. I haven't e-mailed her back yet because I'm still thinking about all of this. I'm also hoping for the other two therapist to write me back as well.

I decided to be brave and talk to my sister, Brooke, about all of this. I really wanted to get someone's opinion about it who knows me really well and who knows my t as well. I explained to her the situation - how I really like my t but I feel that I'm not progressing anymore and the things my t has said or done in the past few months. After I explained it all to her, she told me that it would be best if I looked for a new therapist.

I am really struggling with this decision. I am terrified of how my splits will react. I am terrified to talk to my t about all of this. I am terrified of having to leave my comfort zone and go to a new therapist, if I choose to do so. I am just plain terrified.

I am thinking about talking to my friend Rae about it because she knows me very well too. I have a feeling she will also tell me to look for a new therapist but I still want to hear her opinion.

Man, this is just so complicated... I wish I knew what to do...


Sunday, September 5, 2010

Searching...And Feeling Guilty About It

Over the past few months I've really been thinking about my current relationship with my T.

I have been seeing her for the past 5 1/2, almost 6, years. She knows me very well, knows most of my family, and knows my splits. She knows my splits better than anyone else ever will, besides me. She has done things for me that I don't think any other therapist every would. She has been my rock, my mentor, and my support. She has done many positive things for me and my system.

But lately I feel as if she can't help me as much. Sometimes she seems distant, other times she seems frustrated. Sometimes she just doesn't know what to do, and it scares me. Sometimes she does things that offend me or my splits, and sometimes she doesn't answer when I call or e-mail - and those are the times I really need her.

I've been struggling with the idea of possibly switching to a new therapist. I have spent countless nights worrying about it and trying to find a solution. I really want to stay with my T, but if there is another therapist out there that can help me, shouldn't I be looking for them?

This weekend I have spent a few hours researching therapists around my area. I have found three that may specialize in DID. Two of the three had a website that said they specialize in dissociative disorders. I e-mailed all three of them so now I'm just waiting for their replies.

This is really upsetting me and my system... But I feel like my T doesn't know how to help me anymore. I just don't have the courage or the guts to tell her all of this.

Our next appointment is on Tuesday. She is going to know something is wrong... and I can't lie to her. But I can't tell her the truth either. I'm not ready to....


Friday, September 3, 2010

Opinions Greatly Appreciated

Your opinions are greatly appreciated on this post. It is okay if you disagree with me, but please tell me why. And if you agree, please tell me why! I want some other opinions/thoughts on this because right now I feel outnumbered and I want some kind of valid reason either way.

For those of you who have been following my blog at least for the past month or two, know about me going to the new therapist and the new t releasing all of my splits. For those who haven't been reading, you can go to this post and catch up.

My t and I have been able to bring the majority of my splits back but now I'm having the issue of all of their emotions. Basically it's a bunch of individuals who have been abused their whole lives who were suddenly released from me with no warning, no permission, no anything whatsoever. Now that they are back, most of them are pretty upset and are trying to adjust back to what they remember as "normal" but they are afraid of being released again.

I tried explaining this to my t and she told me that she understands that the younger alters are upset and having a difficult time, but she believes that the older ones (like 11 years old and older) shouldn't be having a problem with it and should just "get over it and move on".

Now, I have splits who are upset ranging from 5 years old to about 24 years old. If they were separate people, who had their own bodies and who had "normal" singleton lives, I would understand my t saying "get over it and move on." BUT these are my alters, who have seen and experienced horrific things and who were released from their purpose/duty in life - everything they have ever known - without any warning or anything. I think they have a right to be upset and angry and depressed and having an overall hard time with it.

Is that valid? Don't they have that right to be upset and afraid? Even if they are 24 years old?

I think they do have a right to be upset and to be afraid and to be having a hard time. It really bothered me that my t said that the older ones should just "get over it and move on." I'm not okay with that. I feel like she should know and understand how hard it has been for them and for myself. I don't know... Am I totally irrational in my thinking? Or do they have a right to be upset and afraid?

Your opinion is most helpful at this point. It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree, I just want to know what other people think about this....

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Disappearing Act

Yeah, it's coming...

Every year sometime in the beginning of September, I disappear. I don't know where I go. For two months I'm just gone. I come back somewhere towards the end of November. Every year without fail I'm just gone. Poof. Bye-bye. One or more of my splits take over for me and my body-life goes on but I am somewhere else.

My t first realized this last year, when I came back in November. My whole life I thought that there were only 10 months in a year. "There's 12?!?!" Yes...yes there is.

So September started today and I'm starting to wonder if I will disappear again. I don't know why I disappear and I don't know what triggers it, but happens anyway. Sometimes I wish I could find out somehow but part of me is scared to death. I don't know if I want to know. But what if I could prevent myself from disappearing?

I'm not sure what to do about it, except to just let what happens to happen. Maybe this will finally be the year I can actually experience October.