Monday, May 30, 2011

The Silence is Screaming

I don't have words, just a whole bunch of feelings. I'm warning you now, don't read on if you're easily triggered today. It's triggering me just thinking about what things I could write about today...

It feels like I'm constricted and suffocating. Sinking and drowning. Trapped. Anxious.

There's too much going through my head. Memories of abuse, torture, sexual monstrosities, murder. How did my fragile little self even survive this horror?

I am finally seeing whole faces of the main people involved, and I've been throwing up ever since. People I knew, and at one time possibly loved, people who were supposed to protect me, love me, nurture me. Now I see them as evil. Now I am afraid to be living in this house.

I so badly need my T right now. I need her support in this because I'm falling apart and I'm so so scared. I don't understand these things and I desperately need her guidance on finding the truth. Did these things really happen? because I don't believe I could ever make up something this bad.

All I can hear is their voices, their threats, their chants, their authority. My silent prayers, silent whispers, silent pleadings, silent pain.

I don't understand why people are involved in such horrible things.


Saturday, May 21, 2011

I'm Strong Enough To Do This

For those of you who have been following my blog, especially my last few posts, know that I've been having issues with my T. We were supposed to meet earlier this week - she cancelled. We were scheduled to meet today...she never showed up. I called her 5 times, left 3 voice-mails, and waited for over half an hour. She still hasn't called me back.

I left her office feeling like I had been abandoned and I felt so alone. I'm so sick of being treated like this every single time. I was so angry at her that I called another T that I had wanted to meet with a few months back. This new T answered right away and remembered who I was. I asked her if I could schedule to meet with her, and she happened to have a cancellation today. I said I'd be right over.

I ended up meeting with her today. I like her so far. She has worked with another DID patient before, although it has been a few years. This DID patient was not high-functioning and ended up stopping therapy after only a couple years into it. The new T told me she has worked with RA survivors before, one of them is currently still in therapy with her. She does not believe that integration is the answer for every DID patient, which I totally agree with! She is willing to work with me and is excited to work with me.

This seems all very new to me. I've had the same therapist for over 6 years now, so I feel very out of practice in finding a new one. I haven't told my current T about this new therapist... and I haven't told the new therapist about my current/old T. It's going to be a really hard thing for me to do.

It's been a very long day... I can't wait for the summer break, but at the same time I dread it.

Just one more week.

I'm strong enough to do this.


Saturday, May 14, 2011

Strength of Millions

(This blog post was supposed to be for Thursday, but Blogger was having issues)

I've always had to be strong.

I feel like I never had the choice to be anything other than strong.

I couldn't cry. I couldn't show that I was in pain.

I couldn't show that I was weak.

I couldn't write about it or talk about it.

Instead, I created people inside of me to carry the burden of always being strong.

Today, I felt as if I couldn't be strong anymore.

I found myself wanting someone to take care of me - someone to protect me so I didn't have to be so strong.

But there is no one. I sat in my car, driving around aimlessly, and crying my soul out.

I cried until I couldn't feel anything but numbness.

And now I build up my wall, stronger than ever, so tomorrow I can be strong again.

Never shall I ever show anything but strength. Because without this, I would break...


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Red Lines

I don't know where I am today. I haven't dissociated this bad in long time. By the way, half of those words had that cool little red squiggly line under them because I can't even manage to spell. And some more red lines. Hopefully I picked the right words.

Not seeing my T is real bad...she helps me stay grounded. 6 1/2 weeks with not seeing her has not been good. More red lines as I write. I hope this makes sense.

I tried to drive home from work today - it usually takes me about 10 minutes. it took me over an hour because I kept getting lost. I couldn't remember where my house was. By the time I got home I felt very awkward in my body and I kept falling over and tripping as I walked through my house. My dad asked me if I was drunk.

I've never had the experience of being drunk, but I imagine it feels a little like this.

I tried all the grounding things that usually work at least a little for me but nothing really stuck. I hope I can function tomorrow.

Nothing is processing. I hope this makes sense.

If not, I may delete it in the future.

Lots and lots of red lines I must fix...

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A Letter to my T

Dear T,

In the last 6 weeks, I have seen you once.

6 weeks ago, we had the most difficult and rough session I've ever experienced. I was supposed to see you the following week, but you canceled. For the next three weeks, you canceled 5 more times. We were supposed to have a session so I could talk to you and process what we worked through. When we finally did have a session, it was three weeks and one day later. The session was rushed and in no way included a way for me to process through what happened.

I went to my pain doctor the next day and that is when he accused me of using THC. I called you as soon as I got to my car. Your response to this accusation was, "who have you been with in the last 3 weeks who would have access to THC?" I was so shocked by your response that all I could muster was the few names of people I had been around recently but none of them would do that. You told me that you would "think on it" and call me back the next day. I received no phone call from you.

Another three weeks has gone by and I have not seen you, talked to you, or received an email from you or any other form of communication. I've emailed 11 messages and called 3 times - leaving 2 voice-mails.

I'm angry with you. You know that I have a really tough time trusting people, including myself and my splits. You also know that I recently really began to trust my splits. I trusted them enough to know that none of them would ever do something to compromise that trust or all the hard work we have been doing, especially lately. None of them would put us, as a whole, at risk. Apparently you don't trust me or any of my splits.

I'm sick and tired of having to defend them because of your false accusations. At this time I cannot provide you specific examples, but whenever something goes "wrong" for me, you automatically accuse them. If I'm sick, you accuse them. If I can't sleep, you accuse them. If I've suddenly lost 15 pounds, you accuse them. The list goes on and on.

It has taken me years to be able to trust you with myself and to trust you with my splits. Right now, we all have lost our trust in you. We're seriously contemplating finding a new therapist - one who trusts us until we do something to lose it.

This is a very difficult decision to make, but at this time we feel it is vital to our healing process. We still have not decided if we should attend our session scheduled for this week. I'm sure if we wait long enough you'll cancel it anyway.