Saturday, July 31, 2010

I Didn't Want Them To Go...

I can’t find the words to describe this pain. Imagine that the things you love most in this world are taken from you. All you have ever known and loved, just gone. You will never see them again. A huge part of you is gone in a flash and you can’t do anything about it. You can’t bring those things back. You can’t wish them to appear again.

Saying that this is hard is an understatement. I feel like this is a huge mistake. I feel like I have done something very wrong. I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me and I just have to sit back and watch it crumble to nothing. I’m scared out of my mind.

I feel like I have to be strong for the people around me. I can’t let them know how badly this hurts me. I can’t let them see me fall apart. I can’t let them know my pain. I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want them to think I’m not okay.

But I’m not okay. I’m not okay. I can feel myself slipping back. I am so sad and so upset. I am emotionally drained and physically exhausted. I keep trying to find them but they aren’t there. I didn’t want them to go. I didn’t want them to go...

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I Didn't Know... I'm So Sorry...

Last night I was talking to my sister, Renee, after I got home from hanging out with some friends. She came into my room looking concerned – I could tell she had something on her mind that she wanted to tell me.

This is normal. Renee always comes to me whenever she needs to vent about anything, talk to someone who will listen, rant and rave when she’s upset or angry, or just plain ramble on about whatever comes to her mind. I love listening to her because she is so animated and her memory is almost perfect. She remembers every detail and I often wish I could remember things as well as she can.

I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom putting some stuff away in a bin under my bed and she came in and sat down next to me. She started talking about her day and what she’s been up to this past week. Then the conversation took a turn...

I’m used to my sisters asking me if I remember doing certain things. It’s their way of asking me if I was out or not during a certain time, without offending me or causing an upset within my system.

But I didn’t know that they were aware of every time I switch.

Renee began to tell me all the times I have switched when I’ve been around them (my sisters). When one of them notices I am not “out”, they signal to each other so everyone is aware that it isn’t me.

I had no idea.

I had no idea that I switched that much. I had no idea they were all aware of how often I switch. I had no idea how much it affects them daily. I had no idea how long they had been aware of all of this.

I wasn’t sure how to respond at first. Part of me was glad that they could tell when I wasn’t out, because I hate when my splits do things I don’t approve of, etc. But I didn’t know it scared them. I didn’t know it was so hard for them to not see me as often. I didn’t know that it made some of them upset, sometimes to the point of crying, because of things my splits have said or done in their presence. I didn’t know how aware they were of me and my splits.

We talked for three hours about all of this. We came to the conclusion that if one of my splits offends her (or any of my sisters) that she/they should tell me when she/they know I am out, so I can work with the splits on what had happened.

After she left to go to bed, I sat and thought about my mom – how she cannot tell when I switch and how she doesn’t understand my DID. And then there are my five sisters who know every time I switch and who ask me questions daily about DID so they can understand me better. It is such a huge contrast.

I had no idea that they knew… I don’t even know what to do.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Fighting For Myself

I am very angry at my T. I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because she never calls when she say she will.

Maybe it's because she was supposed to go to the doctor with me and on Friday it will be the 6th week mark of NOT going.

Maybe it's because she keeps leaving me to go out of town and not telling me about it until right before or as she is leaving. (She always let's me know ahead of time when she is going out of town so I can prepare the littles and some of the other alters.)

Maybe it's because she thinks a simple e-mail to me will make things all better between us.

Maybe it's because I am hurting so much right now and really need someone to talk to but she isn't there.

Maybe it's because I feel like she can't help me anymore and it scares me because I don't know where to turn.

Maybe it's because I know how much she cares about me but doesn't seem to really hear me.

Maybe it's because I'm holding back what I should say to her but no matter how hard I try, the words just won't come.

I am so angry with her that if I don't hear back from her or my doctor by Friday morning, then after work I am driving straight to my doctor's office and sitting in the waiting room until she comes out and schedules an appointment to see me. Because I'm f***ing tired of being so sick and having to wait around for my T to be available to go with me! It's been SIX WEEKS! I can't be sick like this any longer. I need to start some kind of treatment so I am able to stand on my own two feet by the time my student teaching starts. And if my T doesn't like the fact that I am going to schedule an appointment that she most likely can't go to then so be it. I can't wait for her any longer. I can't be miserable like this any longer.

Sometimes you just have to start fighting for yourself when no one else will.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Crying, Kicking, Screaming, Punching...

I don't know what has happened over the past 40 some hours.

I know at least one of my splits took over and ate a bunch of crap I'm allergic to.

So I've been puking my brains out for two days now.

I didn't get to meet with my T on Friday because she decided to stay on vacation. She called me an hour before to cancel. I was not very happy...

She then e-mailed me in the middle of the night last night to tell me that she is leaving again and cannot make it to our appointment this Friday. I am not very happy at all...

Then, of course, I had intense body memories come up all of yesterday afternoon. At first I had no idea what was going on, and then I started receiving the full memory.

I'm not ready to write about it or talk about it yet, but I need to at least say that I had a memory come up. I now know why I cannot sleep on my back without having severe nightmares or panic attacks. No one should f*** a little kid. I am pissed beyond measure.

I would've really liked to have called my T yesterday or this morning, but she is on vacation. So I'm left by myself to float around in this horrifying world, hoping that I don't disappear again. But that sounds like a really good alternative right now.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Fog Is Taking Over

I'm sick of this fog.

I can't see, I can't think, I can't sleep. I can't even follow a freaking conversation to save my life. How in the world am I going to student teach in 22 days?!?

I've tried everything to try to ground myself, to clear my mind, to relax. But it's NOT WORKING.

I've never gone this long like this. I've been in this fog since February and it just keeps getting worse.

I keep switching and dissociating all the time - I can't stop it. I don't know why it is even happening so much. I feel like I'm about to break and fall apart.

I really want to be able to do my best during my student teaching. I want to be able to focus, to think, to do. I want to be able to live in the moment without having to worry about disappearing.

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm just going to keep getting worse....and it scares me so bad.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Words Left Unspoken

I'm lost in a sea of faces, broken lives, fragmented memories.

My body stands still but my mind crashes forward.

The pain is seeping through my pores and out into the world for all to see.

I can't hide it anymore.

I want to cry but the tears won't come.

I need someone to hear my words, the words that have been left unspoken.

But no one is there.

I pray for the strength to get through this pain, this illness, this misery, this constant wave of hurt.

I pray for the comfort to know that I can get through this.

I pray that I will wake up in the morning and be able to do what I need to do.

I look out the window and wonder how such a beautiful world could be filled with such hateful people.

I wonder if I will ever be able to leave these memories behind.

I just have to keep telling myself, "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this..."

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


I didn't go to work today, but for good reason! My cousin, who has been gone for two years on a church mission, arrived home today and my whole family went to welcome him home at the airport.

My assignment was to video-tape the whole thing. I captured the moment his mother hugged him for the first time. She was crying and holding tightly to his arm. It almost made me tear up!

We went out to lunch after everyone got in their hugs and hello's. It was so weird to see how much he has grown up and he is so talkative now! He used to be extremely shy and withdrawn. Now he is like a social butterfly.

Brooke had the best time teasing him. He couldn't believe she is getting married! He asked each of us what we have been up to and where we were in school now. He couldn't believe I will be graduating in December. We've all changed so much.

But during all of this happiness, I found myself dissociating - pretty hardcore. No one in the group had abused me, so I didn't have to try to avoid anyone and I didn't feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder why I dissociate when I don't have a "need" to. I found myself missing bits of conversation and having to catch up. I wonder if anyone else had noticed me slipping away?

I know Brooke did. She kept lightly grabbing hold of my arm (she does this when I need help being "grounded" when I don't realize it). It's kinda funny... she gets engaged and then all of a sudden has this need to be close to me.

This whole week has been really off-setting for me. I feel like so much is happening and changing but I can't keep up with it no matter how hard I try.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Are You Watching Me?

I have this horribly sick feeling that someone has been following me.

This happened to me a couple years back when a past abuser of mine figured out where I had moved to go to college. For two weeks I had this exact same feeling... I felt like I was being stalked. I eventually told my roommate and she suggested we tell her uncle (who was a cop in that town). I ended up being right. He almost grabbed me in the parking lot after one of my night classes.

I really hope I am wrong this time though. I keep thinking I'm having a horrible nightmare but then I realize I'm awake.

Work was okay today. I worked on processing collections for the entire 8 hours. I was dissociating a lot, probably because I'm so freaked out. I'm still training the girl who will kind of take over my place when I leave in 2 weeks. She is a pain to train. She doesn't take any notes at all, so I'm constantly repeating myself. And then when I have her do something after I've taught her and showed her how to do it, she looks at me like I threw her in front of a train.

My boss keeps telling me "I can't believe you're leaving! You're too good... Make sure you train this girl to be YOU!" Hate to break it to you boss, but this girl is nothing like me... She never will be. I actually LIKE my job and this girl clearly hates it. I'm a perfectionist, she is not. I am a huge people-pleaser, and she could care less. This girl will not be able to do what I have done for this company the past year plus.

I'm thinking about calling my T and leaving her a message. She is out of town so she probably won't get back to me until she is home, but I'm hoping it will give me some comfort anyway...

I need to let all of my anxiety and energy build-up out. Maybe I could scream into my pillow for a good long hour or so. Yeah... that sounds good.


Monday, July 12, 2010

At A Loss For Words...

About 57 minutes ago I found out my twin sister is engaged.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. He's a great guy, so that isn't a problem.

I don't even know what to write...

Maybe I should just try again later.

I hope you all had a good Monday!


Sunday, July 11, 2010

Just When You Think It's Going To Be Okay - Part III

Well I took my test on Saturday morning. I was so nervous that I felt nauseous when I woke up that morning. I couldn't eat breakfast because I was afraid of losing it.

I got ready and then laid down on the floor, on my back, and just concentrated on my breathing. I had to stay calm and focused. I had to pass this test and I needed full cooperation.

I drove to the testing cite and signed in. I found my two other friends who were meeting me there. We were all going to be taking the same test. I found the classroom I had been assigned to and took my seat.

After the administrator signed us all in, the tests were distributed. I took a deep breath and opened my test booklet. 100 multiple choice questions and 1 essay question.

I started out confident but when I got to the social studies part, I had no clue what the questions were even asking. I had never learned this stuff and I had to resort to guessing. Some of the really smart splits seemed to know what was going on but I didn't have a clue. I finished the multiple choice questions feeling very bad about it. The essay question, however, was a piece of cake.

Three hours after I started, I walked out of the testing cite feeling like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I could finally breathe normally!

Now I really really really want my test results, but I won't get them for another four weeks. I just hope I pass! I don't want to take it again...

Just When You Think It's Going To Be Okay - Part II

After I found out about M, I was pretty upset. I hid it well while at work and then I left to go to my session with T. It takes me about 55-60 minutes to get to her house from work so it gave me time to breathe and work on clearing my mind.

We started the session and I started to feel really sick and my mind became so foggy. It was hard for me to think or focus on what we were talking about and working on. My stomach was swollen so big it looked like I was pregnant.

I kept trying to pull myself out of the fog but I couldn't and then I started to lose time. I wanted to tell my T that I couldn't control what was happening and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I finally just gave up and let it happen.

After about 30 minutes of this weird state of mind, I was able to ground myself and come back. We started talking about my nightmares from the past week. She read the first two and we were able to talk through them - discussing my fears within them and why I would dream them. But the rest of them really stumped her as to why I would have them. Several of them were memories of ritual abuse, but the others were so random that she didn't know where they would be coming from.

That's when I realized there was a new split - Annie. She is seven years old and sounds like the frog kid from Little Rascals, only girly sounding. T thinks that she was the split who holds onto most of the ritual abuse and that is why I'm having more dreams lately with ritual abuse things in them. I guess it's time to make even more room inside my head for yet another alter. It seems like a lot of them have been popping up over the last few months.

After the session, I started to feel very anxious and nervous because of my big test the next morning. I felt like I hadn't really studied for it, even though there are no study guides for it - just one practice test they provide online. No matter what I did, my mind was racing a mile a second. Not good...

So I decided to ask my dad for a blessing. For those of you who are LDS know how important and comforting and helpful priesthood blessings can be. We believe that blessings come straight from God and can help to heal and give comfort. I have been asking my dad for blessings a lot more recently because I have been so sick and in so much pain. This time would be no exception, but I also wanted to be comforted about my test and my alters to understand how important this test is. The phrase that seems to be in each blessing I have received over the past 2 years is "give her the strength to endure the trials she has been given."

Sometimes I really wonder why I am given strength for my trials instead of being healed. I know I will be stronger for going through these things, but sometimes I am just really tired of being so sick and in pain all the time. But I do feel that strength come to me every time I receive a blessing from my dad and somehow I find myself going a little bit longer with this illness.

~To be continued~

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Just When You Think It's Going To Be Okay

Friday was really rough for me...

The day started out fine. I went to work like I do every morning. We were really busy which was good. But at lunch time I checked my cell phone and there was a text from my mom that said, "please call me when you get a chance."

I hadn't talked to her in a few days and I felt like this was something really important, so I called her right away. She told me that the boy I had been tutoring for the past two years had gotten into drugs and other things and was getting into all kinds of trouble. Let's call him M. I met M and his sister H just before he started 7th grade, and she was about to start 4th grade. Their dad had met my dad at the gym they both worked out at and their dad had mentioned that he needed a nanny/tutor for his two kids. My dad said he had a daughter (me) who would love to do something like that. At the time, I had just moved back in with my parents and I was looking for a job. So this seemed like the perfect opportunity.

I started out by basically babysitting them during the week while their dad worked during the summer since they were out of school. H loved to play games so I taught her a bunch of different card games and how to play Clue really well. M loved anything to do with guns, camping, and fishing, but he also had this secret love for reading. Whenever it was just me and him, I would read to him and he thought it was the greatest thing ever.

When school started, I switched to the role of tutor. I would attend my college classes during the day and do my interning at the elementary school, and then once school was over I would go to their house and tutor them for a few hours. The first year I mostly tutored M because he was having a hard time transitioning from 6th grade to junior high and just lacked motivation to do his homework and studying. We had a great time together and I felt like he was making remarkable progress.

Once the school year was over, I started a new job (the one I have now) and did not babysit them like I had the summer before. But once school started I went back to tutoring M and H. M was doing much better in school at this point and he did not need as much help. H on the other hand was struggling a lot. She had not learned her multiplication facts and still struggled with addition and subtraction. Her dad was really worried that she would be held back. As I worked with her more closely, I started to observe her. At first I suspected she had some kind of dissociative disorder. She wouldn't remember very important things about herself or about her day, and she would refer to herself in third person. After she got really comfortable around me, I started to notice different voices and she had different handwriting's. I began to suspect that she had DID.

After I had come to that conclusion, she went to go live with her mom (their parents are separated) and I didn't see her as much after that. I then just tutored M about twice a week and other days as needed. The second semester of his 8th grade year, I was tutoring about once a week.

I saw M about 3 months ago and he seemed to be doing great. And now I find out he is doing drugs and getting into trouble. According to his dad, it his M's mom's fault (she has some severe mental problems and is very controlling). I believe this is mostly the mom's fault and I wish I could do something for M. He is such a sweet kid and hearing this news is just heartbreaking.

His dad is trying to get sole custody of his two kids so their mom doesn't have all this influence on them and he asked me if I would write him a character reference letter for court. I told him I would definitely do it for him. He is such an awesome dad and I would hate for his kids to lose out on that.

~To be continued~

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly...

The Good:

I finally finished a huge project at work that I started back in March of this year. I AM DONE!! It was the best feeling ever! They are throwing a party for me either tomorrow or Friday, so I'm excited :)

Also, remember when I had to take two (out of three) really big tests to qualify to be a teacher in this state? Well, I got my scores back for both of them.... and..... I PASSED!! YAY!! I take the third test this Saturday and if I pass it I will be fully qualified after my student teaching is done in December!

The Bad:

My T still hasn't called me... I have e-mailed her a couple of times and I called her once and left a voicemail. She hasn't responded to anything. I know she was out of town this weekend, and I am not sure when she is getting back, so that may be why she hasn't responded yet. But I still feel like I was just dumped along the side of the road...


I have been having panic attacks all day long for the past two days. Work is almost unbearable with these panic attacks, plus adding on the amount of pain I have been in. I still have not gotten a hold of my other doctor so I've been off all of my medications for about 2 - 3 weeks now. Not good. I'm also having nightmares - they are so bad that I am waking up screaming about every 5 - 10 minutes. And I remember each and every one of them. Practically every detail. I have been writing them down as I have them so I can show them to my T. I think they might be repressed memories. I really hope they aren't because they are horrible...

I am so tired and ready to just take a break from life.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Why Don't You Call?

I have had a rough couple of days...

I was doing pretty good this past week. I wasn't feeling too sick and work was going good. My T had to change our appointment from our usual Friday afternoons to Thursday afternoon this week so I had to take two days off of work. The session with T this week was really hard and I left feeling completely drained and emotionally unstable. T said she would call me later that evening to make sure I was doing okay.

She never called.

In the back of my mind I knew she wouldn't call. She always tells me she is going to call and she never does. Something comes up with one of her kids or she gets to busy or she gets sick or she falls asleep. Whatever the case may be, she never calls.

But this was one of those times where she really needed to call. I haven't really been out since Thursday. Because when I do come out, I have bizarre hallucinations and horrifying nightmares about being sexually abused again. These hallucinations finally stopped a few hours ago but I still have a feeling that the nightmares will still be here.

I have been so sick since Thursday night too. I've spent the majority of the weekend in bed or lying down. My family went up to our cabin in the mountains this weekend for 4th of July and I didn't even go outside the whole trip. I ended up coming home early today with my sister Bri.

My thoughts feel so scrambled so I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense at all. I just wish T would call me when she says she is going to.