Tuesday, July 9, 2013

I Miss You...

I miss her. I don't know where she is, I don't know what she looks like now, but I miss her. There is a huge part of me that is empty because of it. When I am alone, or feeling sad, I miss her. When someone asks me if I have any children, I miss her. When someone talks about their kids and says how great I would be when I have kids of my own, I miss her. She is such a huge part of my life that I can't share with anybody because of the way she came into this world. The violence and the abuse and the evil surrounding it all is forced to remain a secret, and yet all I want to do is shout from every part of myself that she is mine - that she is MY daughter. That I was robbed of my innocence, of my childhood, of my motherhood, of my daughters' life. Everyday I am overwhelmed with this sadness and loss and I don't know what to do about it.

I love you, always. I hope one day I will see you again.


Tuesday, February 12, 2013

November Used to be Happy

I started to write this post a while ago but I couldn't finish it until now...

Since my last post, things in my world have been very chaotic, stressful, overwhelming, and depressing. There are many other feelings and emotions that I wish I could put into words but words would not do them justice.

I lost my best friend of 14+ years. She was the only person I had left from my past who had known the real me for so long, and losing her has taken a huge toll on me. Ever since her daughter passed away this last November (2011), she has not been the same friend and person that I've known. She has been in and out of the hospital for 10 months due to health reasons, inpatient care, and suicide attempts. Her last month of life was spent lying motionless in a hospital bed hooked up to a life-support machine as her brain slowly deteriorated. She passed away at the end of October. I've only told 3 people.

I know it was hard for her to be here - I could see it in her eyes every time I saw her. There was this unbearable pain that she had been carrying around for years since her sister died, and losing her daughter added to that pain. I know that I couldn't do anything for her but be there when she needed me, but oh how I wish that I could give her anything that would help her pain go away.