Saturday, February 19, 2011



This is a word I have grown to hate my whole life.

It's hard enough when you're different from all of the other kids.
Your parents compare you.
Your teachers compare you.
Your classmates compare you.

Now add an identical twin sister.

Who's prettier? Who's funnier? Who can run faster, throw better, lift more, speak faster, think quicker, learn easier, earn better grades?

The comparing never stops.

Add abuse into the mix and it only gets worse. Especially when you're identical twin sister wasn't abused...

Compare, compare, compare.

I have been struggling to stay out. Right now my life is really hard. I have been on survival mode for weeks. There have been times where I thought I wouldn't keep living. Not in a suicidal way. I thought that things were so hard that I would literally die because of how bad things were.

With DID, in my case, I don't have to be out all the time to function. My splits carry on just fine without me running the show. Some of them even prefer it. With that said, I have been really struggling to stay out because I don't feel like I'm very good at living anymore. I have sunk down to the level of people who have been comparing me my whole life.

I have started to compare myself against my splits.

They can talk better, think faster, teach more effectively...and the list goes on. Why do I need to be out if they are so much better at living my life than I am?

Therapist's answer: because it's your life and your body.
My answer: ...

Well...I don't have an answer.

My therapist always says that I'm really the one who created my alters. Granted, I was so young I can't even remember it happening so I feel like that shouldn't even count. I really hate it when she tells me that though. It makes it sound like I am making up my DID. I already have a hard enough time with the fact that I have other people living in my head, I don't need the added pressure of "well, you created them dear."

I'm just so frustrated, exhausted, mentally drained, physically worn out, and emotionally spent....


Wednesday, February 9, 2011


What is pain?
Can you see it?
How does it come?
Why doesn't it go?
Is there such a thing as "painless"?
Who invented pain?
Where did it come from?
When did it start?
Did I do something wrong?

If I wish long enough, will it go away?

Right now I am in so much pain that I'm having a hard time staying awake.
Not the kind of "hard to stay awake" when you're sleep deprived.
It's the kind of "hard to stay awake" because the pain is so encompassing.

I can't even tell if the rest of my body hurts because the pain is so great.

Pain is not a big enough word for what I am physically experiencing and feeling right now.


Sunday, February 6, 2011

I Wish....

I wish the people who are supposed to be helping me would listen to me.

I was diagnosed 5 years ago with DID. Ever since that time, I have spent the majority of my life trying to piece together the puzzle of my splintered, fractured existence. I've researched, read, studied, documented, and experienced everything I could to help me to understand myself, my mind, and my whole life.

I know what works for me and what doesn't.
I know how much I can handle.
I know when I need to do something or stop something.
I know who in my life is safe to be around and who is not.
I know where to go when I'm having a hard time.
I know why some things are triggering and how to keep myself from freaking out.

But because I am not a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, or brain expert, I am dismissed. I am pushed aside.

Trying pain medication after pain medication, and having horrible side effects because of their nature to focus on "fixing" the brain, I am left to endure the horrors of my past over and over again.

If only the people who were trying to help me would listen to me. We wouldn't have to go through this hell and the doctors would feel safer prescribing me things.

I just want someone to listen....for once.