Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Things I Wish I Could Say

I had a session with my T on Monday. Instead of telling her all the things that I have been struggling with the past few weeks, I let one of my alters be out for the time with her.

These are the things I wish I could have said to her...

I'm so overwhelmed by my anxiety that my weight has dropped far below the normal range - it is starting to become a major concern. It's even more frustrating because the people around me make comments about how they wish they could lose weight as fast. I wish I could tell them that this is NOT a good thing...

Some of my alters are constantly screaming. Nothing I do soothes them or makes them stop.

My pain levels are starting to rise again. Some are really high and it's a struggle to do simple things - even just getting out of bed in the morning.

We're all struggling with sleep again and it's starting to effect us during the day - major loss of focus, no attention span, major dissociation/switching, memory loss, fainting spells, exhaustion, etc.

Side effects from new medications are becoming a major concern.

I'm feeling like a total fake and a liar because my roommates don't know about my DID or my alters. I feel like I can't be myself and I feel like I'm constantly hiding something. I hate that.

I hate my job because my principal is forcing me into situations that put me in a position that could potentially get me fired. But at the same time I don't want to quit because I love my students and the teachers I work with and it's a job. How in the world am I supposed to deal with that?

I feel incredibly overwhelmed by life because I feel like I have to hold in all of these secrets because of my DID, and because of my job, and because of my health issues, and because of this and that and etc etc etc. I hate secrets. I hate feeling like I'm hiding things from people. I don't want to hold everything in anymore. I want it gone. I want to be done with it.

There is so much more I need to say and write but I can' least not right now.

The things I wish I could say...

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Introducing My Alters

Fall and spring are typically very tough times of the year for both me and my alters, especially fall. I've noticed over the past few years that talking to our T is just not enough for us to express what is going on and we're often left feeling depressed and alone with no one else to talk to between sessions. I've been thinking of ways to fix this problem and the only thing I've come up with so far is sharing my blog with them. We've kind of done this in the past but now I want them to make themselves known and really express what's going on for them. I hope it will not only help them individually and all of us as a whole person but each of my readers as well and maybe even their alters.

I know some of you already share your blog with your alters so any ideas or tips or anything would be greatly appreciated!

Have a great week :)


Sunday, October 2, 2011

I Am Ready! Bring It On!

I have had the amazing opportunity to move in with some beyond amazing girls who have changed and are changing my life for the better. I have never been so happy all the time in my entire life. No matter what kind of day I've had, as soon as I walk into my house a smile appears on my face simply because the energy is so good and happy and I feel loved. I feel accepted. I feel at peace and safe. For the first time in my life, I know what "home" feels like.

The three times I have had to go back to my parents house (for whatever reason - borrowed/returned something, birthday, etc) since I've moved out, I've hated the feeling/energy in their house and I just wanted to leave it. All of my friends and co-workers have been commenting on how much happier I've been and how happy I look all the time. Even my twin sister says she can tell that my whole life has turned around in these last 3 weeks.

This is probably the best thing I could have ever done for myself and my alters. I am so blessed to have found this house and these amazing girls to be my roommates. We have all instantly become really good friends and I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now. I am so excited to finally be able to do some serious work in therapy so I can heal and really move on in life.