Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Now I'm just packing (to go to the grandparents) and preparing myself for my three classes tonight. I'm crossing my fingers that we get out at a decent time so I'm not driving late at night.
I was thinking earlier today about how everything of mine has a specific place or spot. I have placed each of my possessions/belongings in certain places and I notice if it has even been slightly moved. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just crazy to be like that? I don't know... Most of my things are alphabetical or in numerical order. Like my clothes are alphabetized by brand, my movies are alphabetized by title, my books are alphabetized by author, my class notes are in numerical order. I always know if one of my sisters has taken something of mine or my mom has been searching through my stuff because things won't be in the place I have "assigned" to them. My friend says most of my stuff looks like it was just randomly placed there and she wouldn't be able to tell the difference if something was moved or not. I think I may do this because I had so much taken from me growing up that I now find myself having to control and be aware of everything I have now. I don't know... I've tried to stop this insane habit but I can't help it. I do it subconsciously too. My cousin thinks I have a photographic memory because I can look at something once and remember pretty much everything exactly. It makes studying pretty easy for me. Anyway, I think I'm getting off topic now..haha.
Well I'm sorry if this post was completely pointless!
April Fools Day tomorrow...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Interning was amazing! I got to test three different students and we had so much fun! I got in a lot of good observing time and I also taught a little portion of reading. It was actually the best interning experience so far this semester!
Turns out, my therapy/counseling sessions will NOT be changing to Tuesday nights. Apparently this was just a one time thing and we will be back to Tuesday mornings. Thank goodness for that!
And tonight's session went way better than I thought. Laura was out for the first hour and I assume that went well because she is more "chipper" than usual. I was out for the last 50 minutes while we continued watching the Oprah episode. A LOT of memories and emotions and etc came up and we were able to work through them and release them. I must say I feel like a small weight has been lifted - literally - so that is good. I am feeling really sick though, which is typical after working that hard with past events/memories. I'm hoping I will feel better tomorrow.
And just a question to those of you who also have splits/alters, do you ever find yourself questioning what "time" it really is? Like you're just going about your day and suddenly you feel like you've missed months. Let me explain... Today I was driving to the store to pick up a few things and I happened to glance to the right and out of the corner of my eye I saw a pumpkin. I immediately thought "Oh my gosh! It's October already?!?!" After I calmed down, I checked my phone and it said March 30, 2010. I checked it at least 5 more times after that just to be sure! But does that ever happen? Where you suddenly have this gut-wrenching feeling where you feel like you have missed months when really you haven't? I hate it...it happens to me quite a bit. I know I really do lose time - so I'm not saying that I don't - but sometimes I THINK I lose time, but I really haven't... Ever experience that?
Tomorrow is a new day and I'm looking forward to it! :)
Monday, March 29, 2010
I start interning again because the kids will be back in school from spring break - but I don't think I'm ready to go back.
I start a new time for counseling/therapy and I don't know how I will do or how my splits will do.
My T wants to try something new with us tomorrow and I must admit, I am kind of freaking out about it.
I keep telling myself to take deep breath's and to let it all go... I will be fine and everything will work out. If I have a bad day, my T will be there at the end of it all to talk me through to a good place. Hopefully she won't get after me for hardly being 'out' this week... :/
Funny thing is, I'm actually in a pretty good mood right now! Weird? Yes...haha.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Needless to say, I am still lying in bed but it feels good to just lay around all day - especially when you feel like crap.
Tomorrow is my last day of "freedom" since my internship will start up again on Tuesday. Not sure what I will do... possibly sleep in unless this nap has prevented me from actually sleeping tonight. Maybe Benadryl will do the trick...
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I feel like being a multiple means you are always living in the past - in one form or another. And sometimes I feel there are only two options. Either you integrate everybody, or you have each split work through everything they are holding onto for you. I don't think it's that simple, though. Sometimes I wish it was.
Don't get me wrong, I love being unique. I love having 29 other people who are always there for me. We can do stuff together and I'm hardly ever bored. But like all relationships, you hit your rough patches. There are times when you just need a little space - maybe some time apart. Being a multiple, you can't just have "alone time" or a little space. You're stuck together.
Lately, I have been trying to figure out who I am. And I don't know what that means exactly. Do I find who I am, splits and all? Or is it just me? And who is just "me"? Am I really even my own person? I have always had at least a couple of splits around, even when I was a tiny little thing. So how do I find "me"?
Friday, March 26, 2010
I have had the hardest time today remembering how to do the simplest tasks and what people tell me do to at work. Oh man is it bad! Today was just not a good day for me... I feel like I used to when I was younger - how time would just cease to exist. How I would be in one moment and then suddenly end up somewhere else with little to no clues. All day I have been piecing together the missing puzzle parts and once I finally start to make sense of something, I lose more time. I hope this is making sense.
I'm not sure if this is happening because of lack of sleep, or being so sick, or this certain time of year or a combination of all of these. It's frustrating... and it is bad enough that my mom expects me to be "normal" and that the majority of the people in my life don't even know I'm a multiple. I have been making up excuses all day on why I'm so "scattered" and "lost" and "in my own world". I don't even know if I have eaten today. I'm not hungry, so I assume someone has been eating for us.
Sorry if this post makes NO sense...I just needed to vent to someone who will listen and understand. Maybe this will all be better in the morning...
Thursday, March 25, 2010
It probably doesn't help that I am co-conscious with several alters who are constantly switching...
But at lunch I got an interesting phone call.
Last semester and the semester before, I took a creative fiction writing class because I am working on a few novels and I just wanted to learn a few tips and meet other aspiring writers. Anyway, a lady from my classes called me at lunch, and asked me if I would like to submit one of my stories to a journal her and our teacher are putting together to publish. I said YES! I was so honored that they thought of me and liked my work enough to publish it in their journal. So I will be working really hard the next couple of days to get that all in order. I don't know any of the details yet but I should get them fairly soon. It's so awesome!!
And today is my Gramma's birthday so we are going to celebrate, so I have to cut this short...
I'm so excited!!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Cily, the three year old, is blind. This causes some problems within because she can't see anything. The other splits are trying to get used to being with her almost all the time. They have set up a schedule of who is with her at which times and they rotate. But she is the cutest little thing. She hardly talks at all. She loves to give hugs. She thinks my 17 year old sister is "too loud". Overall, it has been a good experience so far.
Tuesday, the eight year old, has the exact opposite vision prescription as me. Apparently, she was co-conscious with me when I got up this morning. Our eyes could not focus at all and I kept falling over and getting really dizzy. But I couldn't help but laugh! She is very reserved, but smart. She knows her stuff! She tends to hang out with the older splits, and she reminds me of me when I was her age. She can carry on some pretty interesting conversations and she LOVES to doodle. I have been finding random doodles on almost all of my notes and notepads. It's kind of nice to have that little surprise :) I just hope it doesn't annoy me one day.
All in all, this experience has been really good so far. My splits have been working at making the new littles feel welcome and introducing them to things and showing them around. I really hope this continues!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
We were able to talk about my mom. One of my assignments this week is to talk to her about boundaries and what I need to do for myself to heal and to get better. My other assignment is trying to figure out how to tell my parents about my Grandma C. That will be even harder than talking to my mom about my boundaries...
So now I am sitting out home, trying to figure out when I can bring up either subject. Both are going to be so hard for me, but I keep telling myself that if I just do it then I will be better off. At least, I sure as h*** hope so.
Also during the session today, we discovered two new splits: Tuesday (8) and Cily (3) (pronounced "silly", and her full name is Cecilly). We don't know much more about them than that, but I will be trying to get to know them over the week and hopefully I will have some more to post about them! I guess that means we are up to 29 instead of 27... I am hoping and praying it doesn't cause any problems within, because I'm too sick to have to deal with more contention and such.
And I guess next week is the week we change to meeting at night. I think I am more okay with the idea now, even though it still bothers me a little. Something else to get used to I suppose. My T said we are going to have an "Oprah marathon", whatever that means... I'm not sure whether to be terrified or I don't know. I have done really good the past couple of weeks when we watch bits and pieces of the episode and then release what comes up, but I'm not sure about watching a huge chunk all at once. I guess we will just have to see how that goes.
I'm getting sleepy (hooray!) so I'm going to go to bed. Hopefully I will actually sleep tonight!
Monday, March 22, 2010
My friend and I had a blast! We were able to catch up, have several girl talks, go shopping, hang out with other friends, watch movies, and just hang out. At times I felt my splits trying to switch with me but for the most part it went really well. I have been in a great mood, and.... I LAUGHED! Like really laughed, several times! Man did it feel good to just let go and feel happy. It was such a good idea to go.
But now I am back at home...and already hating it. I know I shouldn't be so negative about it, but it just keeps getting worse here and I feel like no one realizes how bad it has gotten. I am now more motivated than ever to move out.
I finally heard from my therapist on Friday night. Apparently her two younger kids had gotten sick that day and by that afternoon she had caught what they had. So she told me that's why she never called back, because she didn't think it would be good to see her and have the possibility of me getting sick. I still think it would have been considerate to have at least called, or even e-mailed, that she couldn't meet. But, nonetheless, we have a session set up for tomorrow morning. I'm sure it will be very interesting...
When I was with my friend this weekend, we kept talking about random things and such and something came up that I thought was rather funny... She had been looking for something for about 30 minutes on Saturday and still could not find it. She turned to me and said "You know when you know you have something but cannot find it?!" I just laughed and said, "You have NO idea..."
It made me think of all the times my splits have used something of ours and placed it somewhere other than its designated area/place and then I spend hours or days or weeks trying to find whatever was misplaced. Sometimes I wonder if I would have such a hard time finding things if I didn't have any splits.
I feel like I have so much more to write, but nothing is flowing out right now so I will end this post for now and I may write another later. Maybe after my classes tonight.
I hope everyone is doing well.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The day started out with me waking from a horrible nightmare that was definitely a memory popping up to remind me of the horrible things I have gone through. Several anxiety attacks later, I began throwing up. My stomach was hurting so badly by the time I normally get up for work and I felt like dying.
I got ready for work anyway, treating it like any other day. I drove to work, arrived at work. And then one of my co-workers asked me how my morning had been.
I almost burst into tears.
I told them I would be okay, as long as I could stay sitting and not move very much. They had me sit up front by the ladies who work the front desk. I was okay with that.
I started working on the computer work and about an hour or so into it, I heard one of the ladies having a very frustrating conversation on the phone. As soon as she hung up, she proclaimed, "I HATE people with multiple personalities!"
Let's just say, it was an awful, awful morning.
By lunch time I was so exhausted and in so much pain, that they sent me home. I managed to sleep for about two hours and now I am feeling a little bit better. I know I shouldn't have gone to work in my fragile mental state and weak physical state, but I don't call in sick to work. Ever. It's just not my thing, even if I am truly very sick.
I'm supposed to go stay with a friend this weekend. We haven't seen each other in about a year so I'm really looking forward to it. I leave in the morning. But I'm starting to worry... I'm afraid of another trigger to a horrible memory, or getting so sick that I spend the whole time lying down. My friend knows I am sick, so I am sure she would understand and we would just be lazy and watch a bunch of movies, but still... I feel like I need to be hyper and happy and bouncy and giddy like two college girls should be.
I shouldn't make such a big deal about it. I know it will be okay. I think I am just stressed from the nightmare and from being so sick all the time. I wish my doctors could figure out what is wrong... They are starting to piece it together - hence all the new medications - but I know they are missing something because I am still not getting any better. Sometimes it feels like I am slowly getting worse.
I feel like I need to have a long, good cry. But no tears have come. My therapist tells me all the time that I need to cry more. But after years and years of abuse, I have taught myself not to cry and now that has backfired on so many different levels because I so desperately need to cry.
My energy levels are so low today. I just want to be alone but I can't be. No one lets be just be alone. With a huge family, there is little time to be alone. That's partly why I need to move out. I need my space and my alone time, or else I'm not going to be able to go on much longer. I have some splits that can only be out when I'm alone because they shouldn't be out around other people. Like Kate. She could maul a bear with no fear and still be just as angry. And Emily; her hallucinations are so bad that she has to be in a controlled and secluded environment to be able to calm down.
I really, really needed to see my therapist this week... I just hope I can make it until Tuesday...
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
It happens to me quite a bit. Especially when I am in pain. Today was no different.
I was at work, lunch time, and I was eating with some co-workers. We were talking, having a good time. All of them left except for one, and she started talking to me. I'm usually the one she talks to about her personal life because she doesn't have anyone else. Today she was telling me about her daughter, but I could not for the life of me keep myself focused and 'out'. I kept switching and I was losing huge chunks of the conversation. By the end of the conversation, I had no idea what she was talking about. I was just nodding and smiling or frowning - which ever seemed appropriate.
Sometimes I get so discouraged in those situations. I never know whether to just allow a switch and trust that a split will keep the conversation going, or if I should fight to stay out? Most of the time, fighting it makes it much worse - like today. But there are those rare times where I can be out and present with no problem - after some major fighting. I don't know... Maybe it was because I was in a lot of pain today.
I drove over to my grandparents house late last night because I couldn't be at my parents house any longer. I cannot even begin to express how much BETTER I feel just by leaving that toxic house. All my splits are functioning so much better than the past couple of days. That's probably a sign telling me that we should move out.
Phew...it's been a long day. Fighting my splits to stay 'out' is really exhausting. Hopefully that means I will actually sleep tonight!
I still haven't been able to see my therapist this week and it is starting to take affect of me and the splits. I think I really needed to see her yesterday and her canceling at the last minute really threw us for a loop. I was up half the night last night with Allie because she was so upset about it. But what can I do? I'm not the kind of person who can just call up her therapist and give her a piece of my mind. I wish I could, I really do, but I just can't. I don't even tell her that I'm upset with her once I do meet with her. It's like I freeze up. Like it doesn't "really" matter, even though it kind of does.
Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I'm not. I feel like I need to be "careful" around my therapist so she doesn't decide to stop seeing us. It's a weird place to be.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
It started off with a call last night at 11pm. Guess who? My therapist. She has never called me that late, EVER.
She first tells me that she cannot meet with me this morning because she is taking her kids to the zoo. I let it process and I told her it was fine. She said she would call me today between 12pm and 1pm.
It is now 4pm and she has not called.
I'm not sure whether to keep waiting or just go on with my week? Right now I'm leaning towards just going on. Hopefully we can meet next week.
My dad has been very stressed out lately. We are trying to sell our house and find a new one to move into. He just sprung this on us last Saturday, so my splits have been freaking out ever since. I'm just trying to hold us all together, so my freaking out hasn't started quite yet. Anyway, he has been yelling a whole lot more lately and it is starting to scare me... He has been doing so good lately by keeping his mood in check and walking into another room if he gets too angry to be around people. But for the last week he hasn't been doing so well with that. I can't even count how many times he has already yelled today.
So I have been hiding out in my room. One of my splits started a project so my room is a little messy...but it looks pretty neat so far.
I woke up with several deep cuts in my arms this morning. That hasn't happened for at least two or three years now. One of them keeps bleeding a little but other than that they aren't bad. I will just have to wear long sleeves for the next couple of days.
I'm so excited to find all these blogs of people who have DID also! It is like I have found a whole new world that I can totally understand and relate to. It feels like I was adopted into a singleton family and I have just found my "birth" family, if that makes sense...
Not much else to report, so I guess I will end today's post.
Monday, March 15, 2010
I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow... I think we are going to do another little segment of that Oprah episode I mentioned a couple of posts ago. I hope it still goes as well as it has the last three sessions.
Last week my T mentioned that we might be switching times...AGAIN. I do not handle my schedule being changed around so much. At the beginning of August, we switched to Monday mornings and we did that for a while. And then suddenly we switched to Tuesday mornings - let me explain the "suddenly".
Every year, without fail, I disappear between the months of September and November. From the beginning of September to the end of November, I am not out at all. I do not know where I go, or what I do, or who is out. For as long as I can remember, those three months do not exist in my reality. My T and I are still trying to figure it out... we haven't even found a reason why.
So apparently between Sept and Nov of last year, we switched from Mon mornings to Tues mornings. I just BARELY got used to that change about a month ago, and now my T wants to switch to Tues nights. You may think, "oh, that's not a big change!" But it is my friend... it IS. I base my whole life around my schedule. I plan everything to the "tee" because that's how I need it to be. My splits (alters) thrive on structure. If they don't have structure, then they make up whatever they want to. And those of you with DID, know that is not always a good thing.
We will probably be discussing this schedule change tomorrow. But I probably won't bring the fact up that it will bother me and throw off my whole routine. Why? Because I feel sorry for my T. Maybe that's not the right word... I feel "bad" for her. That's still not a good word, but hopefully you get my point. Right now I am one of her two patients that she sees. She sees me once a week, and she sees her other patient about twice or less a month. I'm just waiting for the day that she will tell me she can't see me as often, and then it will get to the point where she won't be able to see me at all. I don't really know what to do. I have been going to her for 5 years now. She was the one who diagnosed me with DID. She is the one who has helped me to get to where I am today. All my splits adore her, which is rare for them to all like one specific person. Every other therapist I have tried out, they have hated - or at least most of them hated. I just hope and pray that everything will work out with her.
Well that's all for now I suppose. I may get on and post more about tonight - if I end up going to this singles thing my sister wants me to go to with her. I usually go to a singles thing every Tuesday night, but I am leaving town tomorrow afternoon so I won't be able to go.
I hope everyone has had a good start to their week!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
In my head there lives 27 different people. Their house looks like a dome and we call it "The Beehive".
I want to introduce you to them:
Kylee is the youngest of my alters, she is 5 years old. She is extremely smart and never ceases to amaze me with her intelligence. She is not like most 5 year old's. She doesn't talk much, and is hardly ever 'out'. She doesn't like dolls or dresses or other girly things. Sometimes I wish I could just take her into my arms and give her the love she so desperately needs. She is fluent in ASL (American Sign Language).
Gerew is 7 years old, and is one of the two male alters living in the Beehive. He is extremely shy but seems to charm anyone he is around. He likes to talk about bugs and trucks. His favorite thing to do is watch other little kids play, and wishing that he could join them.
Kate (Kaitlyn) is the one I call the "death child". When I first met her, she terrified me (and to tell the truth, sometimes she still does). She is one of the alter's who holds some of the darkest and evil memories from our past. Like Kylee, she is also very intelligent and she doesn't talk much. She is not allowed to be out unless we are alone and in a safe place, and she uses that time to vent her anger by blacking out blank white pages. She is 9 years old.
Allie (Allison) is my child-like alter. She is 10 years old, but she seems so much younger to me. Her innocence makes me want to cry. She loves to color. She loves dolls and dresses and other girly things. She gets very attached to people - which is hard for me to understand sometimes. She upsets easily which causes a lot of problems for the rest of us.
Presley is a newer alter, 11 years old. I don't know much about her yet, even though she has been around for about two years now. She is quiet but not shy.
Emily is 12 years old. She is mute and does not know English - she has her own made up language. I learned to read this language about 4 years ago, and she writes me notes to tell me things. She is Schizophrenic, which makes some of my days VERY interesting... Most of the time some of the older alters work with her to help her with her hallucinations. Usually, they don't affect me but I do occasionally see her hallucinations. I am able to tell they aren't real.
Hannah is my spiritual alter. She is 13 years old, and is basically in charge of my spiritual well being. She is also sort of the peacemaker among us.
Ariah (Queirriah - Quwee-ar-ee-uh) is the newest alter (surfaced about a year ago) and she is 13 years old. She speaks Chinese fluently, as well as English. When she first popped up, I heard this crazy high pitched sound coming from a girl inside my head speaking Chinese. Let me just tell you, that was one of the craziest things I have ever experienced with an alter! I was at work too! For the most part, she is extremely quiet and I am still trying to get to know her better.
Seri (Seriah - Sir-i-uh) is also 13 years old. She is one of the quiet alters who always has to know everything. She is hardly ever out, but she always seems to be aware of everything. I usually go to her when I have lost time.
Dawnee is 14 years old. She is a pill, in my opinion. Her attitude is that of a 14 year old girl, who thinks she knows everything. If I didn't know better, I would say her hormones were out of whack! She likes to pick fights with the other alters, especially Laura. She also likes to make up ridiculous stories to tell the more gullible alters. Like I said, she is a pill.
Kayle is my writer. She is 14 years old and very observant. She writes poetry, and some short stories. It is so beautiful to read and I am always so amazed by her talent. She is very soft spoken, and is always helping the other alters. I like to talk to her a lot - she doesn't seem like she is only 14. She also speaks German fluently, as well as English.
Kayla is 15 years old. She is in charge of food. Everything that goes into my body, she knows about. Since I am allergic to basically all foods, it is great having her around. I always know what goes in my body. She used to be anorexic back when we were in high school but she is doing much better now.
MaRae is my good news girl. She is also 15 years old and always seems to find the good in everything and everyone. She loves to go to church, so I often let her be out for that - or at least co-conscious. She is very social and likes to make people laugh.
Carsie is my school girl. She is 16 years old, but is definitely more mature than any 16 year old I have ever met. She keeps all my school things organized and is in charge of who can be out at school, etc. Ever since I put her in charge of this, I have done remarkably better in school.
Brie (Brienaly - Brynn-uh-lee) is also 16 years old and she is the brave one that is out for all of my doctor's appointments. For those that don't know me, I go to the doctor a lot and it terrifies me... So she is always right there with me whenever I go. She is always up to date on how I am doing physically and she gives regular updates to my therapist.
Haley is my "goth chic". She is 17 years old and loves the color black. One time I lost time while getting a haircut. Some of the other alters informed me - when I came back - that she almost shaved my head. For that reason, I have banned her from ever coming out again. We'll see if that actually works...
Carly is the social, outgoing, lovable butterfly! She is also 17 years old and loves life. She masks her pain by helping others around her and brightening their smiles. Most of my friends know me as having her personality - which I have no problem with!
Mandy (Amanda) is 17 as well. My therapist says that Mandy is the most like me and that she is the only alter she can't tell who is out because it could be me or her - if that makes sense. She mostly keeps to herself. Her favorite thing to do is document what the other alters are doing/saying. Everyday I find a typed out conversation between some of the other alters that she has recorded. I am grateful for that because the conversations are pretty funny!
Sara is 18 years old and she is one of the alters that feels all the pains I do. I feel terrible because I am in physical pain every day, and it is pretty severe. But she is always there for me and I am grateful for that.
Laura reminds me of Lorelai from Gilmore Girls. Funny, witty, charming, and great to be around. She is 19 years old. She has severe PTSD and so whenever memories surface, she usually has several panic attacks. I also suffer from PTSD so we usually have panic attacks together. She is the one voice in my head who can always make me laugh - and she ALWAYS has a comment for everything. So if you find me randomly laughing, you can bet it was from something Lor has said. She also picks a new word each week to teach to the alters and me.
Lynn is my spunky alter. She is 20 years old and never ceases to be a friend to all. She is so random that I can hardly keep up with her. She loves to spend time with the younger splits, especially Allie and Gerew. Lynn and Laura are best friends and they are quite a riot when they are together! She is also fluent in ASL.
Mallie is my musical alter. She is 21 years old. She plays the piano, violin and string bass. She writes her own music and it is amazing and simply beautiful. I also play the piano, but not as gracefully as she can. Most of the time we are co-conscious while playing the piano so I get to experience what she does. An interesting thing about her though, is that she doesn't feel pain. So when my physical pain gets unbearable, she takes over for me and lets me rest.
Brooke is my "ditsy" alter. She is 23 years old and literally has blond moments 24/7. My mom cannot stand her, which is very upsetting to me and I don't know why. Probably because Brooke is so nice and she doesn't give her a chance. I will admit that she is frustrating sometimes because she can be extremely clueless.
Janelle is 24 years old and is the smartest person I know. She has the most in depth conversations with people and I am always so lost. She is constantly reading and researching to learn all she can. For the most part, we get along fairly well.
Drake (Dracula - Dra-cool-uh) is 30 years old and is my other male alter. He is very kind and gentle and is hardly ever out. I don't know him very well even though he has been with me forever.
Tayela is the main alter, or "host" personality. She is 34 years old and has been with me since a few hours after I was born. She is my structure, my mediator, my rock. I do not know what I would do without her. She is in charge of organizing and making sure everyone is where they should be, doing what they should be doing. She is very responsible and reliable. I can depend on her to do what needs to be done.
Linda is like the mother to all of my alters, and sometimes even me. She is 47 years old and the wisdom to prove it. She is kind and gentle. Caring and loving. It is a comfort just to know that she is there.
These are the people I spend my days with and who have been there for me through it all. I owe my existence to them, because without them, I don't think I could have survived.
I have recently had many memories come up that involve her in some of my past abuse. So far I have seen glimpses of her holding me down or standing off to the side watching it happen.
What I do remember - and have never forgotten - was her abuse with food and body image. I used to spend the night at her house/apartment quite often when I was younger (and now I'm starting to remember all the abuse she exposed me to). Every time I was there, she would always suggest going swimming. I used to love to go swimming because of the way the water felt when I flowed through it. Now, I cannot even look at a swimming pool without feeling dirty or betrayed. While we would be swimming, she would always comment on my body - too fat, too thin, whatever. I was a skinny kid. I should not have had any body image troubles - but my Grandma definitely had them. She had been thin when she was younger and over the past 20 or so years, she has gained a lot of weight. I think she felt the need to take it out on me.
So every time I would be swimming with her, she would always comment on how I ate to much (which wasn't true at all) and that my "baby fat" would never leave. By the time I was ten, I was so convinced that I was fat (even though I was no where near it) that I used to hate eating in front of people - fearing that they would see my 'fat' and scold me for it. So, I began hiding food in my room. I would skimp through every meal I ate so no one would see me eating very much, and then at night I would eat and eat and eat. This was not good, mostly because the food we had that I could hide were sweets, candies, cookies, chips, etc. I started to put on weight, which only encouraged my Grandma more.
Why am I talking about this? Well... over the past few months, I have been having repressed memories surface of her abusing me or watching me be abused by her ex's (she's been married at least 7 different times). And she comes over for dinner at least once a week - usually on Sunday. For the past 12 or so weeks, I have hid out in my room because I am so upset with her for all the things she made me think and do when I was too young to understand and now it is so ingrained into my head that I can't stop thinking horrible things about myself. I don't want to see her ever again. The only problem is... I haven't told anybody about the memories I've remembered.
The last time and only time I have ever shared a memory of abuse with my parents did not go over well. I only told them a tiny fraction of it and they both flipped. My mom denied it, saying there was no way it could have happened. My dad, on the other hand, believed me and stormed off. He was so mad that he couldn't even look at me for over a week. If I tell them about Grandma, I will get the same reaction I'm sure. And I don't want to be the one who kicks her out of my family's life. I know I need to get away from her, but I don't know how to.
I told my therapist what I have remembered about my Grandma when it first happened a few weeks ago. She told me to think about telling my parents. I am scared to death to tell them. I know it is not my fault what she did to me, but I still don't want to be the reason she is kicked out of our house.
I am so torn... I don't want her to do the same thing to my sister's, but I also don't want them to hate me. So here I hide out in my room while she is over for dinner. I just hope she doesn't come find me...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
My mom was bugging me again today. She made a comment about how I am more of a roommate than a member of the family. That made me feel terrific - not. Sometimes I wonder if she really knows what she is saying.
Of course the statement upset some of the splits. Allie is already upset from a memory that came up Wednesday night and now she is more upset because she doesn't think mom loves her. Janelle got pissed off and was taking it out on one of our sister's earlier. Sometimes I feel like I cannot control what they are saying - it just comes out and it looks like I'm the one that said it! That's one of the reason's I hate being co-conscious. I would rather not know...
I have spent the majority of the day in bed, doing homework. Not an ideal way to spend a Saturday, but it's typical for me I guess. I figured I would have less of these days now that the doctor's figured out why I am so sick, but alas, I am still just as sick. I know they told me it would take several months, possibly years, but it's better to hope for the best - even if the best never comes.
Laura didn't make any funny comments today, probably because she doesn't feel good either. It sucks when we all feel sick. Most of the time it is just me and a few others. Today it seemed like everyone felt sick. That's usually a bad sign...
Lately I have been doing a lot more research on DID/MPD and I have found multiple (no pun intended) blogs of other people who have DID. It has been nice to read what they have written. It lets me know I'm not alone in this.
Friday, March 12, 2010
My therapist asked me the other day what I think about when I go running in the mornings. I sat there for a minute or two, really trying to remember, and that's when I realized that I wasn't thinking about anything. I was listening to my splits talking and what they were thinking about. Then I started to realize that I do that a lot... My therapist acted a little worried, like that wasn't normal. But how would she know if it was normal for someone with DID or not? Has anybody actually done research on that? Or done a study on that?
Just something to think about...
Thursday, March 11, 2010
When my therapist first mentioned integration a few years ago, I freaked out. I rejected it immediately. I felt like she could never understand what it would be like to suddenly lose your sole support group. Now, my perspective is still pretty much the same but now I understand why she wanted full integration to be the goal. She wanted to give me a chance to have a "normal" life.
I actually did integrate quite a few of my splits. I originally had 103 and now I have 27. It was way too crowded and confusing with 103. Sometimes it's crazy with 27 but I feel like I know them so well.
I'm not sure where I am going with this post... but even though every day is a challenge with DID, I am glad they are here. And I am glad I am not the only one who has this. I am sad with why myself and others have DID, but I think it shows people how strong our minds can be when we are faced with horrible things.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I don't know how you guys with DID feel about this, but I HATE when someone asks me if "I" am out. My mom CONSTANTLY asks me "Are YOU out?" Like an instant after those words come out of her mouth, my blood starts to boil and I feel all this rage come from no where. I feel hurt and betrayed and I don't know if I am overreacting, but it is really offensive to me. Like she should know if it is "me" or not. And who cares if it is me or one of my splits? All of them make up who I am too. We have all been together for so long that we are basically one, even though we are all so different. They have been there for me through the toughest of times and sometimes I don't think other people realize that and I don't think they can ever understand that.
Anyway, my mom seems to make things worse for me in that sense. She's always asking me "Are you fixed yet?" I think she wants me to be "normal" so badly that she tries whatever pops into her head to make me that way, and it just doesn't work like that. I don't think I will ever be normal. Especially after all I have been through - hence the multiple personalities!
This has turned into me venting and I am sorry... I just wonder if any other multiples have someone like this who just constantly goes after them for having splits?
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
My therapist recorded an Oprah show a couple of weeks ago - the one where Oprah interviews the child molester's. A chill just crawled up my spine. Three weeks ago, she asked me how I felt about watching parts of the show with her and then talking about the memories that would come up from watching it. At first I was kind of freaked out. Who wants to watch child molester's and abusers when you have been abused over and over and over again by people just like them? She told me to think about it and we would talk about it the next week.
Two weeks ago, I decided to give it a try, so during the session we watched about the first 10 - 15 minutes. The entire time I felt frozen and I felt like I was being suffocated...slowly. She kept pausing it, allowing me to breathe and collect myself which I must admit was greatly appreciated. We worked on breathing and releasing the memories that had come up and then she sent me on my way.
I thought I was going to be soooo sick and so dysfunctional for the rest of the day. Much to my surprise, it was almost the complete opposite. I felt amazing, re-energized, and all of the splits were good and happy.
Last week I was actually looking forward to watching more of that Oprah show. Again, the rest of my day was great. I actually was able to cope better with memories that came up during the week.
Today, we watched more of the Oprah show and it was very hard for me. We got to the part where the four of them were talking about how they chose their victims and it just made me feel so sick. It did help me to understand from my many abuser's point of views, but still... I ended up throwing up a bunch when I got home. Not fun... I hope next week isn't as intense.
The splits are doing okay. Some of the little ones aren't allowed to watch the show with us, because it could cause severe problems for me and the others and I don't have much of a support group to lean on if they do freak out. Most of the people who know I have DID don't understand how all my personalities are different ages and that some of them are so young - which means they need extra affection and care from others, and when you are fully grown, it could be awkward.
My therapist also brought something else up today in the session. She asked me if I would be up to having a session with my parents there. Of course my immediate response was NO WAY! But she wants me to think about it. That is one of my assignments for the week.
Monday, March 8, 2010
For the most part, we all get along. They respect my wishes and we all work together to make things work better inside our mind. But there are always those days where it just doesn't seem to flow like it should. I don't know... Maybe I'm just thinking too much about it. Most of the time though it gets frustrating - especially when I have trouble seeing and concentrating when I really need to.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
I will go days without sleeping. I feel wide awake as soon as it gets dark outside. My mind just keeps pumping away.
But when I do eventually sleep, I have horrible nightmares and flashbacks of memories. When I wake up, I have severe panic attacks until there is light outside. Luckily, most of the time I forget my nightmares but I am left with the anxiousness and fearful feelings from those dreams.
My splits don't seem to ever sleep. Is that normal? Sometimes we'll take turns sleeping - we feel safer that way, I guess. I try to take naps during the day because I seem to sleep better during the day than at night. But I don't always have a chance to take naps because I have such a busy schedule.
Friday, March 5, 2010
I have gone from doctor to doctor and have been put through test after test with no luck in finding out what is causing all this pain, confusion, and weird phenomenon. My body would swell up - my face would swell up so much it would look like I had just had all four wisdom teeth removed - my stomach would be so swollen that people thought I was pregnant - my hands and feet would swell - my ribs would swell up. Nobody could find a cause for it. All I knew was that I was in an excruciating amount of pain. This has gone on for years.
Until about 2 1/2 weeks ago. The normal person's liver functions in the 90% range. My liver is functioning at 10%. This means that my body is basically rejecting food - which explains why, over time, I have become allergic to more and more foods. My body simply cannot handle most foods. Because of my liver functioning so low, my spleen and stomach have also not been functioning properly, causing my body to not be able to digest most foods. I have been put on an extremely strict diet and several herbs and medications to repair my liver, spleen and stomach.
So far, my days have been a little better. Although I am still in a lot of pain, I finally have hope that I can be well again. I am starting to have more good days than bad, which has been a miracle in and of itself. I feel like I can finally breathe because I know what is wrong and I don't have to keep trying to figure it out. I am still sick and spend the majority of my time in bed or lying around, but I can feel my body trying to heal itself at long last. It is going to be a long process to get to feeling better but I finally have the hope I have been searching for.
Gerew 7 (pronounced: Jah-rue)
Kaitlyn (Kate) 9
Allison (Allie) 10
Queirriah (Ariah) 13 (pronounced: Quwee-ar-ee-uh)
Seriah (Seri) 13 (pronounced: Sir-i-uh)
Kayle 14 (pronounced: Kay-ul)
MaRae 15 (pronounced: Muh-ray)
Brienaly (Brie) 16 (pronounced: Brynn-a-lee)
Amanda (Mandy) 17
Dracula (Drake) 30 (pronounced: Dra-cool-uh)
Tayela 34 (pronounced: Tay-la)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Thanks for reading!