Saturday, June 23, 2012

Silent Session - Part Two

You can read part one here.

My T and I sat and cried for a while. She would occasionally hold my hand but that seemed to make her sob even harder. Eventually – I’m not sure how much time had passed – she told me that she had to get to her next appointment. She told me that I would be physically exhausted and that I should go home and sleep the rest of the day. She also told me that I would be drained emotionally and mentally, and that I would most likely feel very ill later on. At this point, she was still crying.

I knew I couldn’t drive home – I could barely function. My T called my best friend to come pick me up. She then told me that she would call me later that day to check on me. 

My best friend stayed with me until dinner time. I didn’t sleep much, I didn’t eat – I mostly just cried and couldn’t stop thinking about the memories that had come up. My T called and talked to me very briefly. I don’t remember what she said.

***Trigger Warning***

Once my friend left, I didn’t feel safe. I buried myself in the far corner of my room and didn’t move for several hours. 

Late that night, I noticed something inside had changed. I suddenly had access to a part of my mind that I must of blocked from myself. A part of my mind that held memories surrounding events around what was brought up during the session. 

I immediately started panicking. I barely had time to process through what had just happened during my session earlier that day! There was no way in hell I was ready to start processing through even more memories around those events.

Panic attack after panic attack, continuous sobbing, pleading to whatever God above could hear me - I just wanted to feel safe in my own house.

So many things were starting to make sense; fragmented memories were piecing themselves together. I wanted this and hated it all at once. The entire night I fought against the monsters I had been trying to bury for the last 15-20 years.

The next morning I texted my T to ask if we could meet again that week. I had to be able to talk to someone about all of this. I needed to process through these memories. I needed her support. I needed to feel safe.

Her reply - "I can't this week, possibly next week?"

I stared at the text message.

She had just learned about one of my biggest secrets and she replies with "possibly"? Am I worth anything to her? Does she realize that I spent an entire night of hell by myself, scared to death, an inch away from suicidal thoughts, and she tells me "possibly"?

To be continued...

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Silent Session - Part One

I'm not sure where to start... I guess I'll just write.

Last week I went in for a "normal" session with my T - whatever normal is. I hadn't seen her for over 5 weeks so our plan was to just check in with everyone, set goals for the next session, work through some light issues, etc. Instead, the session turned into my T getting this overwhelming feeling that I had something I needed to share with her.

This caught me off-guard. There were several things I had been keeping from her for years - secrets that I didn't want anybody to know, but lately they had been so burdening and scary that I didn't know what to do. I was faced with the fear of "are these memories truth or fiction?"

All I could do was stare at my hands. I didn't say a word - no sounds, no tears. I just sat there.

After some time, she decided we should do some energy work. I was fine with that.

As soon as she started to pull energy off me, I started to feel very dizzy. Typically I don't feel this way and I immediately pointed this out to her. She said she also felt a little different and had me try to ground myself as best I could by placing my hand on her knee. This seemed to help a great deal, surprisingly, and I started to feel better. She, however, began to feel a bit worse.

I then started to feel an overwhelming joy - something I have very little experience with. It was like this moment of freedom. Freedom from all pain, hurt, sorrow, sadness, anger, frustration. My heart seemed to open up and embrace this amazing joyous feeling. That's when I noticed my T was sobbing, uncontrollably.

At first I was confused... I was feeling this incredible feeling of joy and happiness, and here was my T who seemed to be experiencing pain and agony. I didn't understand. All I could do was look at her and wait for her to say something... to say anything.

***Trigger Warning***

The energy coming off of my body was so powerful - nothing like I had ever felt before. I was releasing something huge... something I had held onto for a long time. My T finally spoke, asking me a question that I never thought anyone would ever ask me... "Were you used as a breeder during SRA rituals?"

***End Trigger Warning***

I didn't even have to answer her, because out of no where the tears finally came. The emotions I have locked inside myself for so long, the secrets, the lies, the hiding, the guilt, the shame, everything... it all came out. All I could do was sob for the younger version of me - the part of me who has held onto this secret for so long.

I have never seen my T cry so hard. She kept whispering, "Bee, I am so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry you had to go through this..." over and over again.

But the most powerful thing of the whole experience was... I didn't tell her anything.

I believe in a God - I've been struggling with religion my whole life and I currently don't claim to be a part of any specific religion... but in that moment, I don't know how else to explain how she would know something so specific. I have never talked about it. Never. No one in my life knows, except for the people who were involved and I can guarantee they didn't share this information with my T.

To be continued...

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Summertime - It's Been a Long Time

It's been a long time. So much has happened.

I moved. I have a second sister engaged. My job was changed three times without my consent. I've had 7 different roommates in the past three months. My health has changed, my family has changed. My life has seemed to spin out of control. Somehow I'm still here, holding on for dear life.

Blogger has also decided to change while I have been away, so it's going to take me some time to get used to things. Since I am on summer break (I love being a teacher!) I will have more time to write. I find myself on Twitter quite a bit now.

My best friend has been incredible. I have never had such an amazing constant in my real life that I could count on and trust so openly. She seems to just know exactly how to help me, even when I'm at a total loss. I am able to do the same for her and it has helped her in so many ways as well.

This post was kind of random, I apologize. I hope to write another very soon and to continually update. I've had computer issues the past few months and that has been my main reason for not being able to post and keep my blog updated. I hope all of you are well. I have been keeping up with your blogs through my phone, so that has been a blessing in my life.

See you soon,