You can read part one here and part two here.
My T uses this word when she knows there is a very little chance that she can meet with me, but she feels the need to give me the false sense of hope.
I read this word and it instantly angers me.
Any trust that might have been gained during that session and any previous session is now gone. Bye-bye. Good riddance.
It has turned into me waiting for almost 2 weeks now. And what has happened during those 2 weeks?
I've had a constant stream of memories come up around those events.
I'm remembering more of the people who were involved.
Two of my abusers have confessed to other family members that they did abuse me and that they abused other members in my family, including one of my siblings.
Another one of my sisters is starting to remember being abused.
Other family members are coming forward and telling things that they know - secrets that have been repressed for years, secrets that they can't hide any longer.
One family member went to other family member and apologized to them for not believing me all this time.
The confirmations, the confessions, the affirmations. It's all so real.
My whole life has been me having to keep this huge secret. It has been me having to act like I'm normal, that I'm okay, that everything is fine, that the world is right.
My whole life has been me having to constantly ask myself the question, "did this really happen to me?"
I had tried telling people but no one believed. No one believed me.
And now... after all this time. After being so strong for so long... it's all coming out.
As much as I absolutely hate how hard it has been to remember these things, and to know that I have so much still buried deep within my mind - there is this very tiny bit of comfort, this tiny light at the end of the long tunnel. I was the one who stopped the cycle. I was the one who made people remember. I was the one who spoke up. I was the one who was strong enough to stand up for what was right.
I still have a long and hard road to travel down in my healing process. But this small bit of confirmation that this really did happen to me, that I'm not crazy, that I'm not making it up - that is what will keep me strong.
I was sent here to be the strong one in my family, and I am going to continue to be that person.