Saturday, June 25, 2011

Dear T

For those of you who have been following my blog know that I've had a rough couple of months with my T. She has been unavailable, cancelling appointments, repeatedly rescheduling appointments, saying and doing things that have hurt me and my alters. Yesterday I had a session with her and I was so angry and upset with her that I could hardly talk to her. I left with hateful thoughts and feelings, which is not like me at all.

Today I wrote her a letter because I can express myself so much better with written words, and I want to share that letter with you guys...

"Dear T,

I’m sorry about yesterday. I know you are there to help me, it’s just really hard for me to vocalize what is going on in my head. Most of the time it is really scary and unpredictable and I just want to be able to talk about it, but it’s hard.

I want so badly to be liked by everybody but I feel like I always fall short. I want at least some consistency to my crazy life so I expect certain things to always be there and when they’re not, I lose it. I break down. I fall apart. I expect you to be there for me for that small block of time every week, and when you’re not it really really hurts me. When you promise you’ll do something and you don’t follow through with it, it really really hurts me. And this week I needed something consistent and nothing was and I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I know that things come up. I know life can throw some pretty wicked curve-balls that no one predicts. I know that even if you want something badly enough that you would kill for it, you still might not get it. I know that you can’t always be there because that wouldn’t be healthy for either one of us but I need to know that you won’t abandon me because so many people have. I really want to be able to work through these awful things and heal. I don’t want to be scared anymore.

I don’t think there is any way for me to help you understand why it is so scary for me but I’ll try… I feel…lost, unimportant, not trusted, frustrated, angry, upset, confused, heartbroken, abandoned. So now what? It doesn’t matter if I lose months at a time and never remember anything? It doesn’t matter if I don’t come out for days at a time? It doesn’t matter that because I’ve been the main person for so long that now it’s someone else’s turn? Yeah, I know I’m still “me” but my whole concept of “me” is so distorted anyway and now I find out that I’m not who I thought “me” was?

Right now I am terrified and scared half out of my mind because I don’t know who I am, but I know I won’t feel like this forever. I just need you to know that that is where I am at right now because I’m freaking out and I can’t talk to anybody else about it. Not H, not K, not R, not B, not anybody. I need you to be there, even if it is through emails, because I am really scared and I have no idea what to do.

You were the person who got me to open up and share what has happened to me and what I’m going through. What I need is for you to listen and to just let me share what I’m feeling or going through at that moment so I can process it, and then let it go. I need that or else I end up holding on to a piece of it and it just comes back up again ten times worse. I have so many secrets bolted up inside of me that I can’t share because I don’t feel safe enough to, but I want to feel safe enough to share them. I’m so tired from carrying them around all the time."


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Goodbye T, I Am SO Done...

I am so sick of so so so so so sick of this.

My T had turned a full 180 degrees - she was returning my calls and emails, she went out of her way to check on me, our sessions were going great, my alters were happy, hell, I was happy! I stuck with my T because I thought she had finally realized what she was doing to me.

I was so wrong.

Why can't my T keep an appointment? Is it really that hard?!?! I mean, come on, seriously?!

I'm literally hanging by a thread, barely keeping it together. I've been going running every day just to feel something and I'm under strict doctors orders not to exercise.

Damn it, I can't keep doing this.

And my T wonders why I have trust issues. Gee, I wonder why?! Maybe if you kept our Goddamn appointments I could actually start making some progress!

We were supposed to meet earlier this week, she called to reschedule an hour before I was supposed to see her. We were supposed to meet tomorrow (Thursday) and she just called me to reschedule AGAIN. How much do you wanna bet that she's going to call again tomorrow to "reschedule"???

Goodbye T, I am SO done.


Thursday, June 16, 2011


The word irritation makes me think of a mosquito bite. No matter where a mosquito bite might be on your body, it can drive you absolutely crazy!

Scratching it provides temporary relief, but then the itch seems to come back ten times worse.
Rubbing it also provides temporary relief, but it still itches.
Smacking it, tapping it, or putting weight on it also provides temporary relief, but it still itches.
Mosquito bites basically irritate you to no end for several days, until they finally disappear.

Today my whole body felt like a mosquito bite. I did not want anyone around me. Don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't touch me, don't do anything to me, for me, or with me. Basically, leave me alone!

Of course, my parents didn't understand this. My mom insisted that I would feel better if I "just tried a little harder". Nope. It just doesn't work like that.

Irritation. I hate the way it feels.


Sunday, June 12, 2011

Thank You, T

For those of you who have been following my blog, you know that lately I've been having a really hard time with my T - she's cancelled on me, stood me up, promised things she didn't keep, etc, etc, etc.

Recently I have had a lot of missing time, and by recently I mean over the past 5 or 6 months. I've tried to talk to my T about it but I have felt like I cannot even come close to conveying what it is like to lose time.

Every session my T tries to tell me that "she understands" or "knows what it feels like". Damn it, I know she doesn't understand! Why can't she just admit that?!?!

Today, I received an email from my T...

I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated. I have no idea how it is to have so much time pass and not know what happened. Write down the questions you have so when we meet next week, I can try to answer them.

I was so shocked that she had admitted this to me - in all of the 6 years she has been my T, not once has she admitted this.

My reply was, "Thank you for acknowledging that you don't know what it's like. That means a lot."


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Power & Balance

Today I bought a Power Balance bracelet...
Why did I do this? My T suggested it.

I'm not sure if I believe that it actually works, but I'm always up for trying new things. What's great about this is that all I have to do is wear it on my wrist. No extra effort, thinking, or time. It either effects me positively or not at all. I might as well try this.

It will arrive in 5 to 7 business days.