Monday, October 15, 2012

Boundaries. Why Have Them If You Won't Respect Them?

I want to welcome all of my new followers and readers! Thank you for your comments and emails over the past few weeks. You guys are amazing and your support has been incredible.

I'm doing better since my last post about two weeks ago. My doctors have been working with me a lot these last few weeks to get my pain levels to go down. I feel more like a zombie right now. I'd rather not feel this way but I know it won't be like this forever so I sleep while I can and chart the progress for the doctors. The complications from the surgery are starting to sort themselves out.

Now for the things I really want to talk about...

I have one sister who got married last November and I have a second sister who is getting married within the next few weeks. Her bridal shower was this past weekend - this automatically brings up the red flags in my world.

The big question "what do I do about the family members who will be attending the bridal shower that I have personally chosen not to be around anymore?"

My T and I talked about it, discussed several scenarios, and came to a few conclusions. My options: (1) I choose not to attend the bridal shower, (2) I somehow get my sister to un-invite those certain family members, or (3) I attend half, those certain family members attend the other half.

I talked to my sister about it, and she really wanted me to be there. She also wanted those other family members to be there. So option 3 it was...

My T spoke to my mom about it, told my mom that I would choose which half to attend, and then my mom would call these family members and tell them to attend the other half.

I decided on the last half of the bridal shower so I could see the gifts my sister got, most of the family members I liked, and most of the people she invited. My mom agreed and called the family members to tell them they would be attending the other half.

The day of the bridal shower comes. I confirm the times with my mom. I get ready and drive all the way over there, only to find that their cars are parked right outside. I called one of my other sisters and asked "Why are ______ family members still at the shower??" I was very confused and panicked because they were supposed to be gone by this time. My sister handed the phone to my mom. My mom said she had tried getting them out the door, but one family member was being very rude about it. She would try again and call me back.

I waited in my car, watching for any signs of this family member leaving. Instead, two of my sisters come out the front door and towards my car. "Family Member doesn't want to leave because they didn't 'agree' to leave. They said they came to the shower and are going to stay for the entire thing and there is nothing mom can do about it."

I was PISSED. ANGRY. UPSET. FRUSTRATED. And about ready to burst into tears. Why can't this family member leave me the &#%$ alone!!!

A couple more people from the shower came out and joined us in my car so I wouldn't be alone, which was very nice of them... but at the same time I was missing my sister's bridal shower because of this Family Member and no one was fighting for me. Yes, I had a whole party going on in my car, but none of the people in my car had even tried to get this Family Member to leave.

The rest of the weekend and today I am still feeling very angry, upset, hurt, frustrated, pissed off, aggravated, hatred, annoyed, and just fuming and boiling because I'm so mad. I have worked so hard to set up boundaries and to teach my family how to set up boundaries, but my family continues to let people walk all over these boundaries...

I think this Family Member shouldn't be allowed to come to the next big event, like the family dinner or wedding rehearsal dinner. Family Member made me miss something important so now Family Member loses their privilege of coming to the next event.

Writing this post has made me even more upset...


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Fighting My Demons

I'd like to say that I'm okay, but I'm very far from being okay.

I don't know what is causing my world to come crashing down around me, but here it comes crumbling down and I can't do anything but watch it shatter around me.

A couple weeks ago I went to a normal scheduled session with my T, and I had a full blown meltdown - I had curled up into a ball in the corner of the couch and was crying. I couldn't stop. My life was too much, work was too much, all the physical pain and emotional pain was too much. I cried for two hours. My T told me that I had to choose between taking a leave of absence from work or being admitted to inpatient. I wanted neither...but decided the leave of absence would be the better route.

I went to my doctor the following day and he recommended short-term disability because my pain levels were off the charts. He told me I would not be returning to work for several weeks. I went to my other doctor and he also said short-term disability. They decided to move up my surgery.

I thought that maybe the break from work would relieve the depression and suicidal thoughts, but it has only gotten worse. I am home alone all day, causing me to become more depressed. I am on heavy duty pain medications that cause me to have even more horrific nightmares. I wake up so panicked and stressed that it causes me to be very upset, even more depressed, and suicidal. I try everything I can to erase the nightmares from my mind but they still haunt me.

I am scared to death to go to inpatient because I know that will be the worst option for me. It will destroy me and my system. That thought alone is keeping me from acting on my thoughts, but I'm still scared to death.

My best friend and my roommate know I am struggling a lot right now and they have been super supportive. But they both of them work full time and cannot always be there. I hate that I feel like I need to have someone with me all the time.

I keep hoping and praying that this will pass. I know I struggle the most during this time of the year, but I feel like this has been going on since February/March and has just been getting worse and worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not the kind of person who gives up, but if there's nothing to live for anymore, what do you do?

I don't want to freak any of you out. I don't have any plans and I have gotten rid of anything that could potentially be dangerous in my possession. There are people in my "real life" world who know and are aware of my severe depression. I am simply writing what I'm feeling on here because I feel so so so awful and upset. I just want to know I'm not alone.


Monday, October 1, 2012


"Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide..." -Imagine Dragons

I have been having a very rough go these past several months... These past several weeks have been even worse.

I happened to check my email today and saw two emails that I wasn't expecting - one from a close friend of mine, and one from a fellow reader/blogger. Both of them wrote to me that they had missed my blogging and that they had been thinking about me.

Both of these emails made me think about why I originally started this blog. I wanted a place to write exactly what I was feeling, thinking, wondering, etc. without having to worry about being judged. A place where I could be myself. A place I could heal. A place where I could find the hope and will to survive and live. A place to encourage and lift others. A place to find myself. I could go on and on...

I want to thank both of you for reaching out to me - it was exactly what I needed today.