Sunday, November 28, 2010

Dreaming the Nightmare I Wish Away

I am in my home. It is not my real home but my family is there and so is all of our stuff, so I assume it is home. My dad is arranging for all of us to make a trip to the prison, where three of my abusers are currently.

At first I am my present age of 22, but then I find myself going back to that scary place when I am a small girl. My dad is taking me to the prison to visit those three abusers.

I cannot speak, my throat is dry. There is panic flooding my entire body. I can't feel my legs.

We are in the waiting room. They call our names. The door opens to the visiting area and I am pushed through.

Fear has encompassed my entire being. I'm trying desperately to disappear. I can't face these men who hurt me so badly.

My insides are screaming but on the outside I am silent. The police officer leads me to a concrete room and closes the door behind me. From the corner, the three abusers emerge. I cannot breathe, I am so scared.

And then I wake up.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Can You Hear Me?

This is how the conversation with my mom went today...

(*We were discussing what to do about our little family trip this weekend for Thanksgiving. One of my abusers was invited by my parents to come with us for the three days.)

Me: I can't be around [abuser] anymore. It really stresses me out and it's very triggering.
Mom: We can't just tell her no. She is family. We're her only family left.
Me: Then I can't go with you guys.
Mom: You need to forgive [abuser] and come with us.
Me: I have forgiven [abuser]. But just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you should be around them.
Mom: You can be around [abuser] for three days.
Me: No, mom, I can't.
Mom: It's not always about you, Bee. Think of how [abuser] would feel all alone on Thanksgiving.
Me: Mom, I know you mean well but I can NOT go if [abuser] will be there. End of story.
Mom: You need to think of other people, not yourself. 

And that's how it ended.

The abuser who was over at our house for dinner last week on Sunday was also over for dinner on Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and today (Tuesday). Why the H*LL is she over ALL THE TIME now?!?!

I honestly don't think anyone in my family takes me seriously except for Brooke and Bri. I swear, no matter how many times I ask my mom to please stop inviting this abuser over, she still invites her. And on the off-chance that my mom doesn't invite her over, my dad does - without telling anybody.

To make things worse, this abuser has been invited to our big family get-together this weekend for Thanksgiving. Three whole f***ing days with this abuser staying in the same house as me. Forget sleeping, eating, and breathing. I'm going to be too focused on not having a full blown panic attack.

I cannot wait until I move out of this house.

And my T wonders why we don't progress in therapy. I'm not only living with an abuser, but I have to constantly see some of my other abusers on a regular basis.

I am seriously fed up with this crap.

Monday, November 15, 2010

One Big Hurricane, Not Waves...

For the past 5 days I have been having memory after memory after memory after memory hit me. Most of them I did not remember but I just know that they happened.

Is it possible to know they happened but not remember them until now?

I was supposed to have a session with my T today but once again she called and canceled. She is supposedly sick, which I get, but I really needed to see her today. These memories are killing me. And to top it all off, one of my abusers was over for dinner last night (see last post).

It was a really tough day at school. Both my mentor teacher and I were beat by 10am.

I feel very disconnected and dissociative today. I'm sorry if my thoughts are scattered and confusing...

I want to cry but I can't. I never cry.

I guess all those years of making myself not cry has made it so it is impossible to do so now.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

It Just...Hurts

I've been having a really rough time these past couple of months. Depression is hitting us like a ton of bricks. Pain levels are sky rocketing. I've been going to doctor's left and right. One wants to send me to a pain specialist. Another is contemplating surgery. They want to put me in braces. Why can't they just wrap me up in bubble wrap and send me on my way?

One of my abusers was over for dinner tonight. We kept having to leave the room to either throw up or cry because the abuser was so triggering. This particular abuser really makes me ill. They pretend like nothing is wrong - that their life is peachy perfect. That they "never did anything wrong". I think that is what makes them extra triggering.

You know why this abuser was over for dinner? Because my parents feel sorry for this person. ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME??!?!!?! Who the h*ll feels sorry for someone who f***ing abused their child! And not just once, several times over a period of 16 years!

I'm sorry, but that is just messed up.

It doesn't matter that I'm 22. My parents still won't listen to me. I tried to tell them back then, too. But they don't listen. They never listen.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Getting to Know "ME"

It has been an interesting couple of weeks regarding therapy.

For those of you who don't know, Oprah did a show back in the first week of October (I think around October 6th) on DID. She had a woman with DID on there and her daughter. They filmed her in a therapy session as different alters came out, and they also filmed her around her house and with her art. It was a very interesting show and I wish there was some way to get a copy of it.

Anyway, I bring that up because my T thought it would be a good idea to have my mom and I come to a session with T and watch this episode. We ended up doing this a little less than two weeks ago and it went surprisingly well. I think it overwhelmed my mom a little because she didn't ask me very many questions (and she usually asks A TON!).

At my next session with T, we talked about how that woman's personalities all knew the daughter and had relationships with her. My T suggested that I try doing that with my mom and my five sisters.

To be honest, I am scared to try this. There are several reasons why, but if I were to type them out then this post would be forever long and I don't want to make you read that much. So, a shortened version will have to do.

1. I'm afraid I will be out far less than I am now.
2. I'm afraid we will lose communication with each other, causing chaos.
3. I'm afraid of losing what little relationships I already have with my sisters.
4. I'm afraid they won't accept some of my splits.
5. I'm afraid that we will all become so individual from each other that we'll forget about each other again.

There are more, but those are my main concerns.

However, on the positive side I also see many benefits.

1. My sisters will get to know all of me, not just parts of me.
2. They will be able to identify when I am out, and when my splits are out.
3. I believe they can add to my healing and my splits healing by forming individual relationships with them.
4. The splits will be able to open up to more people and not just T.
5. We will be able to have a stronger bond as a whole, both inside the system and outside the system.

What I've decided upon with my Splits is that we will take baby steps. We have picked a few of us who will start out by introducing themselves and getting to know my sisters and my mom. The others can acknowledge who they are or can choose not to. We think this will be best to see how things go.

I have been talking to each of my sisters individually about what my T wants us to try and how things will go. I've only talked to three of my sisters and my mom, and all of their reactions were different...

Mom: O.K. Will you tell me who is out? Can you email me every night? Can you write up a list of their names and ages? Can you write up what they like and don't like? ....etc.... You get the picture...

Raena: I've always wanted to get to know them! Can we start now?

Brooke: This will be interesting, but let's give it a try. I already know a couple of them a little bit.

Renee: This is going to be really really hard. I don't want to sound selfish, but it is really hard for me to be around you when you aren't out. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, and I honestly don't want to know. I think this is going to be really hard but I'm willing to try. Maybe it will be better if we do this.

Very different responses but so far no one has objected to giving it a try. I just need to figure out how they can ask who is out or tell who is out without offending anybody. Any suggestions?

This Foreign Place I Cannot Shake

Where ever I go
I must come back,
To this foreign place
I cannot shake.

I must call it home, now
But it feels so far from it.
When I look around
I feel trapped.

It must be a dream,
It must be a trick,
I don't know who
Would do this.

I want to leave,
I have to stay
In this foreign place
I cannot shake.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

I'm Back!

It has been quite a month.

I've moved.
My first 8-week student teaching placement ended.
I started my second 8-week student teaching placement.
I've been helping my twin sister, Brooke, plan her wedding.
I have been applying to several school districts around the state, hoping to find a job for January.
I found out that two of my best friends might be moving out of the state - one to UT, one to CO.
My sister Bri has a boyfriend.
My sister Renee has a boyfriend.
I've been able to work through several very disturbing and horrible memories.

I have been so extremely busy that I am glad I took the month off from blogging, even though I missed it terribly and there were so many times I wished to write down my thoughts and share them. But I stuck to my promise to not blog for a month and looking back, I know it was worth it. I am, however, very glad to be back!