I don't tell my T that I just need to hold her hand.
I don't tell my T that I crave someone who is safe.
I don't tell my T that I remember every detail from my nightmares.
I don't tell my T that I struggle every day.
I don't tell my T that my eating disorder is still a problem.
I don't tell my T that I feel like I'm always lying because I'm so different.
I don't tell my T that my anxiety levels are so high that I can't breathe.
I don't tell my T that I feel so lost.
I don't tell my T that I want to scream because I feel so desperate.
I don't tell my T that I want to hide from everything.
I don't tell my T that I just want somebody next to me who understands.
I don't tell my T that I wish things could change.
I don't tell my T that I don't feel alive.
I don't tell my T that I can't help but push people away.
I don't tell my T that I'm desperate to forget and get rid of all the bad things.
I don't tell my T that I still have a million secrets she doesn't know about.
*Bee
Sorry, Bee. I go thru this, too, in fact, I probably could cut and paste it into my life. If it helps any, my T once read one of my posts about "Things I Don't Say..." and he told me later that for everything we don't say, they realize there is an iceburg of things we are too afraid to say.
ReplyDeleteI have felt almost all of these things...
ReplyDeletehang in there babe, I'm glad you posted this- I don't feel as alone anymore
xoxo
-Lisa
I know it is hard to tell psychologists etc. stuff about how we're really feeling and what's really been happening. But I hope you are eventually able to open up more.
ReplyDeleteCassie x
(((Bee)))
ReplyDeleteI don't tell my T either Bee.
I'm not sure how to get to the point where it feels "safe" enough to trust anyone to share those things.
I understand why you don't tell.
Bee,
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of things that I hide from my T too. I have a mental list of thing that I avoid during sessions. But there is something so freeing about admitting just one thing that you wouldn't tell your T.
Peace, Love & Tacos :)
-sigh- i think we can write a book on things we dont tell r t..sometimes its just hard admitting and asking for help..its hard to know that t is the one safe person we have..
ReplyDeletejust wanted to offer a bit of understanding and caring..
(sorry hi found your blog through another blog hope you dont mind the comment)
Awwww.....sending gentle hugs. I am willing to bet that intuitively your T, in fact, does know some of these things. I also wonder what it would be like for you if you could share this with her.
ReplyDeleteLothlorien
Wow, I can't believe how many comments I got back on this post. Thank you to ALL of you! It is so nice to know that I'm not alone in this.
ReplyDeleteIvory: Thank you for sharing that. I know my T is aware that I don't tell her things and I know she knows when I choose to keep something from her. I have gotten better since I first started seeing her. I used to not talk at all.
Lisa: Thanks. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this.
Cassie- Thanks. I wish and hope the same thing for all of you too.
Grace: Sometimes I wish we all had the courage, even just during one session, to tell our Ts what we truly need to share with someone.
Hope: Thank goodness for Tacos! You're right, admitting that one thing is HUGE.
Unicorn Princess: Welcome! Thank you for leaving a comment.
Lothlorien: Thanks. As I was writing this post this thought popped up from the back of my mind "maybe I should share this with T." Maybe I will now.
I don't tell my T that when I look at him disdain is hidden behind my childlike smile.
ReplyDelete