Sunday, March 27, 2011

Things I Don't Tell My T

I don't tell my T that I just need to hold her hand.

I don't tell my T that I crave someone who is safe.

I don't tell my T that I remember every detail from my nightmares.

I don't tell my T that I struggle every day.

I don't tell my T that my eating disorder is still a problem.

I don't tell my T that I feel like I'm always lying because I'm so different.

I don't tell my T that my anxiety levels are so high that I can't breathe.

I don't tell my T that I feel so lost.

I don't tell my T that I want to scream because I feel so desperate.

I don't tell my T that I want to hide from everything.

I don't tell my T that I just want somebody next to me who understands.

I don't tell my T that I wish things could change.

I don't tell my T that I don't feel alive.

I don't tell my T that I can't help but push people away.

I don't tell my T that I'm desperate to forget and get rid of all the bad things.

I don't tell my T that I still have a million secrets she doesn't know about.



  1. Sorry, Bee. I go thru this, too, in fact, I probably could cut and paste it into my life. If it helps any, my T once read one of my posts about "Things I Don't Say..." and he told me later that for everything we don't say, they realize there is an iceburg of things we are too afraid to say.

  2. I have felt almost all of these things...

    hang in there babe, I'm glad you posted this- I don't feel as alone anymore


  3. I know it is hard to tell psychologists etc. stuff about how we're really feeling and what's really been happening. But I hope you are eventually able to open up more.

    Cassie x

  4. (((Bee)))
    I don't tell my T either Bee.
    I'm not sure how to get to the point where it feels "safe" enough to trust anyone to share those things.
    I understand why you don't tell.

  5. Bee,
    There are a lot of things that I hide from my T too. I have a mental list of thing that I avoid during sessions. But there is something so freeing about admitting just one thing that you wouldn't tell your T.

    Peace, Love & Tacos :)

  6. -sigh- i think we can write a book on things we dont tell r t..sometimes its just hard admitting and asking for help..its hard to know that t is the one safe person we have..

    just wanted to offer a bit of understanding and caring..

    (sorry hi found your blog through another blog hope you dont mind the comment)

  7. Awwww.....sending gentle hugs. I am willing to bet that intuitively your T, in fact, does know some of these things. I also wonder what it would be like for you if you could share this with her.

  8. Wow, I can't believe how many comments I got back on this post. Thank you to ALL of you! It is so nice to know that I'm not alone in this.

    Ivory: Thank you for sharing that. I know my T is aware that I don't tell her things and I know she knows when I choose to keep something from her. I have gotten better since I first started seeing her. I used to not talk at all.

    Lisa: Thanks. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this.

    Cassie- Thanks. I wish and hope the same thing for all of you too.

    Grace: Sometimes I wish we all had the courage, even just during one session, to tell our Ts what we truly need to share with someone.

    Hope: Thank goodness for Tacos! You're right, admitting that one thing is HUGE.

    Unicorn Princess: Welcome! Thank you for leaving a comment.

    Lothlorien: Thanks. As I was writing this post this thought popped up from the back of my mind "maybe I should share this with T." Maybe I will now.

  9. I don't tell my T that when I look at him disdain is hidden behind my childlike smile.