Sunday, April 3, 2011

It Starts With a "D"...

***May be triggering. Please read with caution.***

Depression. It affects about 18 million American's every year.

For most of my life I have had severe depression but I learned to keep it hidden because I didn't want anyone to know.

One night during my junior year in high school, I almost bled to death on my bathroom floor. My best friend was the only other person that knew I was suicidal and the next day she made me go to one of the school counselor's and talk to them. It was the first time I cried in front of someone in a long, long time.

The counselor ended up calling my parents and when I got home that day from school, the look in their eyes made me feel ashamed. How could I do this to them? To my sisters? To my family? My response: Silence.

My mom never let me out of her sight for months. She would check up on my frequently during the night. She would never cease to remind me that she was "just down the hallway." It made me hate my life even more. She didn't listen to me when I was younger so why the h*ll would she listen to me now?

My mom took me to several therapists, church bishops and other leaders, and psychiatrists. I refused to speak. Sitting in silence was something I was a pro at.

I look back at that time in my life and I see how lost I was, how terrified I was, how alone I was.

Right now I'm working through some very real, very heavy stuff with my T. And it is eating me alive this week. I hate to admit it but I'm depressed. As much as I try to hide it, I know it's here. My heart aches, my body is tired, my mind is scared. I just want to be alone but at the same time I am so scared of being alone.

I don't want to go back to how I felt in high school and my entire childhood. I don't want to be afraid of myself. I don't want to have to hide.

My T picked the absolute wrong time to go on vacation...

I better go and try to figure out how I'm going to be the happy, friendly, confident teacher for my students tomorrow. Right now that's what is keeping me afloat.



  1. Here thinking of you, Bee. Keep your head up and know you have support here.

    Take care, Audrey

  2. It sounds like your mom tried to let you know she was there, but just didn't know what to do - since she'd already screwed things up. Try not to think about your T being gone. Think only of your students. Here's what I do: When i'm cratering and my T is out of town, I do some self-talking to make myself realize that he's not at work with me, ever, so when I'm at work, everything is the same as if he were within reach. Then I have to worry about when I go home... But hang in there, you have all of us.

  3. Bee,
    I am sorry that its rough for you right now. But remember that strength that you give me when I'm feeling down has to come from somewhere inside of you. When my T is on vaca I get nervous about not being able to talk to her. I liked what Ivory said a lot and shes totally correct. But I wish my T could go to work with me :) Hang in there <3

  4. I am sorry to hear you are feeling bad. I hope that being in your classroom turns out to be a good distraction for you, and that it helps you escape the heavy stuff of T. Sometimes it is that way for me. I wonder how I will ever teach, and at first it is hard, but soon I am sucked in and immersed in the job. It usually helps.

    Yes, tough time for T to be on vacation. We are here. Write if you like (email is ok).

  5. Sending peace and light, Bee.

    Michelle & Co.

  6. It is amazing how bad we can feel inside and still turn it on for our students. I really love my students for doing that for me. I hope things get better.