Sunday, April 10, 2011

Music Saves Me

To put it simply, this week has been hard.

Monday I had over 20 needles jabbed into my neck, head, shoulders, and jaw. It wasn't as painful as it sounds, it's the after effects of what was injected that truly caused pain. The doctor told me I needed to go to physical therapy to make sure the injections worked properly. My last experience with physical therapy ended rather abruptly when my pain got so bad that I couldn't move for several days. I told the doctor I wasn't going back.

Tuesday my younger sister sat in my classroom with me for three hours telling me all the abuse she has remembered. While I'm grateful that she has someone to talk to, who listens and who believes her, it's still really hard for me. I knew deep down that she was also abused but I always wished that it wasn't true. Now I know without a doubt that we were both abused. There are things I have never told a soul and she knew those things.

Wednesday I woke up extremely depressed like I did Tuesday and Monday as well. I was having horrible body memories all night long and when I did manage to sleep, I had distorted memories flooding through my mind. I was so worn out and exhausted. Teaching was a struggle but my students are so awesome. I am truly blessed to have this job.

Thursday was really strange. I had been battling a cold for a few days by this time but during the first period of the school day, my stomach was in an extremely high amount of pain. I had to sit down at my desk. Two hours later I had not moved and my pain had become worse. My aid told me I needed to just go home. I finally broke down and called my sister to come pick me up. Turns out I had gotten the stomach flu. Add that to the cold I already had and I was very sick. I spent the rest of the day in bed.

Friday I was still in a ton of pain but I forced myself to go to work. It was a good thing I did because my aid ended up having to go home - I guess she caught the stomach flu too.

Saturday I had so many emotions flooding through me that I decided to sit down at my piano keyboard. I had this tune playing over and over in my head that I was manipulating and creating in my mind. I decided to put it together in reality and it was so good.

Sunday I continued to manipulate this tune on the piano and I ended up composing an 8 1/2 minute long song. I keep playing it over and over again and it keeps me going. It is so filled with all of my emotions from this week and past emotions that I've subconsciously held onto. I recorded it onto my cell phone so I can play it for my T. I used to do that for her in the past because she can tell where I'm at from what I create on the piano. My T loves my songs. She wishes she had a piano in her office so I could play live for her.

It's been over two weeks since I've met with my T. I hope she comes back soon...I've really struggled these past two weeks and I desperately need someone to talk to who can help me deal with all of this new stuff. I feel like all of the abuse is becoming raw again with my sister starting to remember things.

I feel like I'm rambling and not really saying anything important... Maybe I should just go to bed and hope for a good day tomorrow.


1 comment:

  1. Bee,
    I am so glad that you use music as an outlet because I know what important the piano is for you. Hope you get to see your T this week.

    Thinking of you-