Saturday, July 16, 2011

Barely Hanging On

I have been struggling a lot lately... I know it is because I'm way over thinking and over analyzing everything. I do this when I have long break periods between things, like my long summer break until school starts back up again in the fall. I have fallen into my old pattern of over thinking and over analyzing...and I'm making myself sick because of it.

I'm afraid that I will fail as a teacher when school starts up again.
I'm afraid that I will have such a major breakdown that I will need to be hospitalized.
I'm afraid that I will go inside and never be able to come out again.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to trust my new T and that my alters will get worse, like before.
I'm afraid that I will fail.

No matter how hard I try to distract myself, these thoughts keep creeping back up into my mind and I am paralyzed with this overwhelming fear that I'm going to be a failure.

I don't know why so many people have told me that I'm amazing. That I'm smart. That I'm extremely talented. That I'm a hard worker. That I'm one-of-a-kind. I don't feel like I'm any of these. I feel like I'm a fake. I feel like I'm pretending to be all these things so people will think highly of me. I feel like I'm going to mess up big time and then all of those people will be so disappointed in me.

Why am I always thinking that I'm going to fail?



  1. Why am I always thinking that I'm going to fail?

    Because you are a survivor! A survivor of some pretty horrific situations. But a survivor you are! Hold on the roller coaster is getting ready to come into the station.



  2. Bee, I can relate with just about everything in my post. There are two sides of me. The side I let everyone see that is hard working, confident, talented, etc. That's what I want people to see... but do I feel those things? No way.

    I'm becoming more aware of my "people pleasing" and taking small steps to not do things for the sake of other people's perception of me. It's very freeing, but not easy!

  3. I understand how tough it can be during the break from teaching, and yes, there is a tendency to get swept up by things in the absence of that structure and activity.

    You referenced a new T....Have you decided to find another therapist?