Response

(This post is a continuation of my last post - here)

I would have written this post sooner but I have been really sick these last few days and I've had no extra energy for anything but sleeping.

After sending my letter/email to my T on Saturday, I spent the weekend feeling very anxious and panicky. I didn't know how my T would respond and I just wanted some indication that she had at least read it. By Monday I had still not heard anything and so I took my emotions and pushed them to some place deep inside me.

Tuesday morning I received a call from my T and she asked if I could come in to see her. She said she wanted to talk to me and clear things up. I was hesitant, very hesitant, to meet with her since I had decided that our previous session would be the last one for a while, but, she said her colleague Dr S would be with us as well. I like Dr S a lot and I knew that having him there would be best in this situation.

During the session my T told me why she has been unavailable, even after she had promised me that she would be there for me. Once she had told me everything that has been going on (soooo much going on!), I asked her why she would share all of this with me. She looked at me for a second and then said, "Bee, I'm not going anywhere. I am here for you one hundred percent. I made a promise to you when I first started seeing you that I would stick with you for the whole ride, the whole journey. No matter what is going on in my personal life, I will make time for you."

While she was telling me this, I felt so special and loved and my anxiety slowly calmed down...

...but...

...I still had that nagging feeling in my gut that this was just another promise she was making that she wouldn't be able to keep...

Is that fair? Should I give her another chance? Should I keep crawling back to her?

As I look at this situation from an outside perspective, pretending that I am not this girl, pretending that I don't know this girl or this T -- I find myself disgusted. I find myself wondering why does this girl keep going back to her T? Why does this girl keep putting herself in the same situation over and over and over again?

I don't know why I keep going back. However, I did tell her that I want to take a break from her. I need to clear my head and figure out what I'm going to do. She set up an appointment with me for a month from that day, but I honestly don't think I'll be seeing her again.

I hope and pray that I am doing the right thing...because it is so, so hard.


*Bee