Things I Don't Tell My T

I don't tell my T that I just need to hold her hand.

I don't tell my T that I crave someone who is safe.

I don't tell my T that I remember every detail from my nightmares.

I don't tell my T that I struggle every day.

I don't tell my T that my eating disorder is still a problem.

I don't tell my T that I feel like I'm always lying because I'm so different.

I don't tell my T that my anxiety levels are so high that I can't breathe.

I don't tell my T that I feel so lost.

I don't tell my T that I want to scream because I feel so desperate.

I don't tell my T that I want to hide from everything.

I don't tell my T that I just want somebody next to me who understands.

I don't tell my T that I wish things could change.

I don't tell my T that I don't feel alive.

I don't tell my T that I can't help but push people away.

I don't tell my T that I'm desperate to forget and get rid of all the bad things.

I don't tell my T that I still have a million secrets she doesn't know about.


*Bee

Is It All A Lie?

I struggle every day. I don’t fit in this world.

I watch people to see how they function and interact but no matter how hard I try I can’t be like them. It might be easy to fake it at first but as time goes on I don’t have what they have.

They try to teach me but I can’t be something I’m not. How do you live in a world that can’t accept you for who you are?

I have been forced into survival mode and I can’t leave it. It’s all I know; it’s all I have. They don’t understand unless they’ve been there.

Growing up I was taught that it’s a sin to lie. So isn’t it a sin to fake your existence in a world you don’t belong in?

It’s hard to live with yourself day after day after day when you feel like it’s all a lie.

Good Day, Good Night

I just wanted to post that today, despite the severe pain, was a pretty good day. It was very productive, and I was actually able to focus long enough to teach effectively all day.

I also had a GREAT session with my T yesterday. I left feeling like we really accomplished some things that I/we've been working on for months (and years) and, dare I say it, energized! I've been in a good mood every since.

Now I'm off to bed because I am exhausted....

I love my job :)


*Bee