For those of you who have been following my blog know that I've had a rough couple of months with my T. She has been unavailable, cancelling appointments, repeatedly rescheduling appointments, saying and doing things that have hurt me and my alters. Yesterday I had a session with her and I was so angry and upset with her that I could hardly talk to her. I left with hateful thoughts and feelings, which is not like me at all.
Today I wrote her a letter because I can express myself so much better with written words, and I want to share that letter with you guys...
I’m sorry about yesterday. I know you are there to help me, it’s just really hard for me to vocalize what is going on in my head. Most of the time it is really scary and unpredictable and I just want to be able to talk about it, but it’s hard.
I want so badly to be liked by everybody but I feel like I always fall short. I want at least some consistency to my crazy life so I expect certain things to always be there and when they’re not, I lose it. I break down. I fall apart. I expect you to be there for me for that small block of time every week, and when you’re not it really really hurts me. When you promise you’ll do something and you don’t follow through with it, it really really hurts me. And this week I needed something consistent and nothing was and I couldn’t handle it anymore.
I know that things come up. I know life can throw some pretty wicked curve-balls that no one predicts. I know that even if you want something badly enough that you would kill for it, you still might not get it. I know that you can’t always be there because that wouldn’t be healthy for either one of us but I need to know that you won’t abandon me because so many people have. I really want to be able to work through these awful things and heal. I don’t want to be scared anymore.
I don’t think there is any way for me to help you understand why it is so scary for me but I’ll try… I feel…lost, unimportant, not trusted, frustrated, angry, upset, confused, heartbroken, abandoned. So now what? It doesn’t matter if I lose months at a time and never remember anything? It doesn’t matter if I don’t come out for days at a time? It doesn’t matter that because I’ve been the main person for so long that now it’s someone else’s turn? Yeah, I know I’m still “me” but my whole concept of “me” is so distorted anyway and now I find out that I’m not who I thought “me” was?
Right now I am terrified and scared half out of my mind because I don’t know who I am, but I know I won’t feel like this forever. I just need you to know that that is where I am at right now because I’m freaking out and I can’t talk to anybody else about it. Not H, not K, not R, not B, not anybody. I need you to be there, even if it is through emails, because I am really scared and I have no idea what to do.
You were the person who got me to open up and share what has happened to me and what I’m going through. What I need is for you to listen and to just let me share what I’m feeling or going through at that moment so I can process it, and then let it go. I need that or else I end up holding on to a piece of it and it just comes back up again ten times worse. I have so many secrets bolted up inside of me that I can’t share because I don’t feel safe enough to, but I want to feel safe enough to share them. I’m so tired from carrying them around all the time."