I apologize for the choppy-ness of this post and any triggers it may cause. I've been severely dissociated lately and it's hard to be grounded enough to type clearly.
It all started with the first days back to work with the other fellow teachers - no students. Only a couple of the teachers were here last year with me, all the rest are new. The chemistry is beyond fantastic. It's going to be an amazing year.
One teacher in particular, a male, has taken interest in me. Not in a bad way; he is a really great guy! We're able to joke around with each other at any given moment and it's nice to have someone like that. We've hung out quite a bit over the past few weeks. I'll call him L.N.
The end of the first week of school, with students, some of the teachers went to a restaurant after school to unwind, drink, talk, whatever. I don't drink - I'm very allergic to alcohol - but I went for the social part of it. My boss over my particular department got very drunk. More drunk than I've ever seen at a place like this.
He ended up hitting on me at first, then talking about his dick - how big it was, how "pleasing" it was. I immediately started freaking out, internally, because externally I had to appear normal. I wanted to get out of there and just go home. L.N. volunteered to take this guy home but I could tell he really didn't want to. L.N. turned to me and asked if I could go with him to take this other guy home. I agreed because I trust L.N. (wow, did I just say that out loud??) but as soon as we got in the car, I regretted it.
The entire 30 minute car ride was my boss talking about how attractive and sexy I was. How big his dick was and how it didn't matter in the end. How I needed to find a good and honest guy to marry and have a family. How much he liked my body and my mind. I was frozen in the backseat, not able to say anything or even move. Absolutely terrifying.
We finally got him home and the car ride back was a little better. L.N. kept apologizing over and over again. He could tell I wasn't doing so good.
Ever since that night, I've been extremely dissociated. This whole week has been hell.
I've had several different parents attack me personally. One set of parents yelled at me for 5 minutes until the principal told them that I wasn't their student's teacher last year.
I woke up with a black eye one morning because my alters had been fighting with each other all night long. I've had yelling, screaming, fighting, etc going on in my head while teaching. I honestly don't understand how hell can be going on in your mind but on the outside look so "normal". It's a freaking miracle I haven't had an emotional breakdown yet.
Dissociation is my worst enemy and my best friend.
I got into a huge fight with my best friend - we've been friends for over 13 years now, more than half of my life. It was big and loud and ugly.
Then my sister Bri was yelling at me all week for who knows why!
My sister R called me a jerk and blamed me for not doing something SHE was responsible for.
My sister Ruthie is being taken from our family and will be living somewhere else - no one will tell us how long she'll be gone.
I'm so anxious and stressed out that I can't breathe. I've hardly ate anything. I haven't been sleeping.
I keep all my secrets deep inside of me. When I finally get to a point where I'm ready to talk about one of them, but there is no one to tell, that secret buries itself even deeper and the chances of it coming back up is slim to none.
I'm too exhausted to type anymore...