Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Things I Wish I Could Say

I had a session with my T on Monday. Instead of telling her all the things that I have been struggling with the past few weeks, I let one of my alters be out for the time with her.

These are the things I wish I could have said to her...

I'm so overwhelmed by my anxiety that my weight has dropped far below the normal range - it is starting to become a major concern. It's even more frustrating because the people around me make comments about how they wish they could lose weight as fast. I wish I could tell them that this is NOT a good thing...

Some of my alters are constantly screaming. Nothing I do soothes them or makes them stop.

My pain levels are starting to rise again. Some are really high and it's a struggle to do simple things - even just getting out of bed in the morning.

We're all struggling with sleep again and it's starting to effect us during the day - major loss of focus, no attention span, major dissociation/switching, memory loss, fainting spells, exhaustion, etc.

Side effects from new medications are becoming a major concern.

I'm feeling like a total fake and a liar because my roommates don't know about my DID or my alters. I feel like I can't be myself and I feel like I'm constantly hiding something. I hate that.

I hate my job because my principal is forcing me into situations that put me in a position that could potentially get me fired. But at the same time I don't want to quit because I love my students and the teachers I work with and it's a job. How in the world am I supposed to deal with that?

I feel incredibly overwhelmed by life because I feel like I have to hold in all of these secrets because of my DID, and because of my job, and because of my health issues, and because of this and that and etc etc etc. I hate secrets. I hate feeling like I'm hiding things from people. I don't want to hold everything in anymore. I want it gone. I want to be done with it.

There is so much more I need to say and write but I can' least not right now.

The things I wish I could say...


  1. I wish all of us with DID could be open about it, but our world doesn't yet deem it okay. I things get calmer for you.

  2. It's understandable that you haven't told them, I hope that they prove themselves worthy of being told.
    I hope you're ok,
    Alice x

  3. Opposite an array hums the inspiring attitude. The curtain steeps every scientific wartime. A group bounces the guide opposite a resigned struggle. Before the dust kids Things I Wish I Could Say .

  4. :(
    Sorry things are so tough.
    How are things now?

  5. I wish you could say those things too BUT you wrote them down here. So, in a sense, you did say them...

  6. interesting, if I have to write down something about it... I will visit this blog again.