Monday, May 30, 2011

The Silence is Screaming

I don't have words, just a whole bunch of feelings. I'm warning you now, don't read on if you're easily triggered today. It's triggering me just thinking about what things I could write about today...

It feels like I'm constricted and suffocating. Sinking and drowning. Trapped. Anxious.

There's too much going through my head. Memories of abuse, torture, sexual monstrosities, murder. How did my fragile little self even survive this horror?

I am finally seeing whole faces of the main people involved, and I've been throwing up ever since. People I knew, and at one time possibly loved, people who were supposed to protect me, love me, nurture me. Now I see them as evil. Now I am afraid to be living in this house.

I so badly need my T right now. I need her support in this because I'm falling apart and I'm so so scared. I don't understand these things and I desperately need her guidance on finding the truth. Did these things really happen? because I don't believe I could ever make up something this bad.

All I can hear is their voices, their threats, their chants, their authority. My silent prayers, silent whispers, silent pleadings, silent pain.

I don't understand why people are involved in such horrible things.



  1. "Hugs" it sounds like you are remebering "S R A" by family members :( if so this is usually generational through familys :( sorry bee "Hugs"
    It happens more than people realize :(

  2. bcse "cults' are usually family members/and people generation/after generation :( sorry :(

  3. Stay strong Bee. We're all rooting for u.


  4. Here reading/listening....

  5. Thank you all for your support and hugs.

  6. Bee,
    I am sorry that you are struggling so much with this. This is where I finally landed after all of the questions and wondering if I was making it up, Why would I make it up? These things do happen and I believe you. You will believe you when you are ready.

    For me I have been much safer and felt so much better since I cut ties with my parents. Not associating with those who hurt me really really helped. I wish you all that you need.


  7. I relate. Finding out more truth about my abuse and my abusers left me reeling at times. It was scary and I was concerned for my safety. I hope you can find a place where you can feel safe.