I'm Still Here, Somewhere...

My last post was written in anger, but this post will be written with the strength that I have received from the people around me this week.

This past week was the hardest week of my life. On Friday morning, I was wishing I had never been born.

I have lost almost 20 lbs in the past week and a half. Not good...

I haven't been able to eat or sleep. My stress and anxiety have been through the roof.

I did find out, however, that the raised anxiety and stress levels are from the new meds I was given. Thankfully I went off of them on Wednesday and they are slowly making their way out of my system.

I have had the honor to get to know a person over the past few months. Even though we've never met in person, I consider this person to be a very dear friend of mine. She has been so great these past few days during a time that I needed a friend the most. I want to thank her for being such a great person and for being there for me.

I wish I could write more but there is just too much. I am still struggling but I can now see a light at the end of this dark, long, and difficult tunnel.

This week will be good. This week I am going to make sure it is a good week.

Thank you to all who have left comments, who have emailed me, and texted me over this past week. It has helped so much.

*Bee

The Venom Got to Me

***Read at your own risk***

I just want to say that I love my new teaching job and that it is going very well. I couldn't have asked for a better school, staff team, and community.

But my personal life has been suffering and I've tried so hard this week to hide it from everyone else because I hate being upset. Especially in front of people.

Today was the worst. Horrific. Unthinkable. Screaming. Crying. Pain.

And then...

I come home and find out from a dear friend/reader of my blog that another blogger is taking my thoughts and words from my blog and posting them on hers without my permission and without citing me.

Normally I would act calmly and respectively. Normally I would peacefully work things out. Not today. I just wrote a really nasty comment on there because I was so upset. Not because my friend informed me of it and not necessarily because this blogger had the post. I was upset because this blogger knowingly took something of mine without permission for her own gain. Just like every abuser I've known and heard about. This week has been really tough for me, and this day has been one of the hardest days yet, and I couldn't take it anymore. It's people like her who keep people like me and you from healing properly and completely.

I want to f***ing punch out my walls and tear down everything from the walls, the ground, the roof, the street, I want to kick, scream, bite, punch, cry, slam and jerk every last piece of anything on this earth.

This post isn't doing me justice. I cannot even express how f***ing angry I am right now!

I Love My Job

I truly and whole-heartedly LOVE my job! I look forward to waking up in the mornings, even though I'm not a morning person. I love my students. I love the school. I love the principal. I love the staff. I love the teachers I work with. I love the programs I have decided to purchase and use in my classroom. I just love it!!

I never thought I would make it to this point. But I did and I feel so incredibly blessed.

I LOVE my job!!!


*Bee

My First Day

I cannot believe all of the comments and emails I have received from all of you. Thank you so much! It means more than you can imagine. Maybe you can imagine. Anyway, thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I really appreciate it.

My first day of teaching went so well! Things ran so smoothly and I was able to keep my head clear and focused. My students had a great time and I could tell they were learning. I am amazed everyday at how much I love teaching. I'm not a morning person at all, but I am looking forward to waking up early and preparing for my students.

It's funny to go from student teaching to teaching. I compare it to getting your permit to drive a car. When you're learning to drive it's fun and new, but it's also frustrating and annoying because you have the "experienced" adult in the seat next to you telling you a bunch of things that you would rather not hear! But once you get your license, it's such a great feeling! You finally feel like you really can drive and follow the laws and do your own thing.

That's how today felt. I am the one in charge. I am the one making the decisions. I am the one responsible for the students learning. I don't have to constantly ask my mentor teacher for the "right answer". I'm the one who comes up with the right answer. It just felt so great to make a plan and then implement it. It felt so damn good!

Anyway...that's all for now. I'm super exhausted from today. But I'm definitely looking forward to tomorrow. :)

*Bee

Tomorrow Is The Day I Start My Life

Tomorrow is the day I start my life. Tomorrow I begin my first teaching job. Tomorrow I am in charge of students' learning. Tomorrow I am one step closer to moving out and being fully independent.

I never thought this day would come. I have wanted to become a teacher since I was 4 years old. Everyone Sunday after church, my sisters and I would play School. I was always the teacher. I would teach them what I was currently learning in school - mostly math and spelling since those were my favorite subjects.

I loved school. It was an escape from my abusers, from my house, from my family. I wasn't very good at it because of all the lost time. I didn't know I was losing time when I was younger - all I knew was that I would randomly appear in places and be expected to do work and I would have no clue how to do it. I spent my entire school career in figuring things out on my own.

Tomorrow I start teaching. Wow. Words cannot express how excited I am.

Tomorrow.

*Bee