Friday, June 18, 2010

I'm So Scared

Let me start out by explaining my day (and a little of the past two weeks) so there is some background knowledge.

I have been sick for the past two weeks because of the new medication my doctor put me on. I have been in bed for almost the full two weeks. I have been in an excruciating amount of pain and have not been able to go to work. Those of you who have been following my blog know that I do not miss work, even when I am sick. So missing two weeks worth of work is a huge deal for me. That's how sick I have been.

I managed to get in to see my doctor today. I told my T before I went in to see my doctor that I had been really sick and experiencing pain that I haven't felt since I first started treatment with this doctor back in February. My T told me to tell my doctor that I have DID. My T felt that the doctor would be able to help.

I had my mom go with me to the doctor because I didn't feel well enough to drive, and I felt like I needed her there to make sure my doctor understood the amount of pain I have been in these past two weeks. When I got there I explained my symptoms, when they first started occurring, and everything else I could think of. She started doing some simple tests and the results were not coming up right. She kept redoing each test and each time she would get different results.

She then started asking if I was having nightmares or panic attacks or hallucinations from the medications. I started to get worried because I experience these all the time and they had been no worse or better within the past two weeks. So I answered no, because I believe the medications were not doing that. She then looked straight at me and said "then I don't know why your results are not consistent." That's when someone within blurted out that I have DID.

The doctor asked, "Are you sure?" I instantly felt helpless. I do not do well when I have to defend myself. I know I have DID. My T knows I have DID. My mom knows I have DID. I answered kind of shakily, "Yes. I have DID." She then asked if she could muscle test me to make sure. I felt humiliated.

She muscle tested me and sure enough, I have DID. She then asked if I knew when my first alter was created. I told her that my T and I figured out that it was before I was 1 years old. The doctor said, "You can't even talk at 1 years old. How could you have created an alter?" By that point I was not doing well. I felt like she was attacking me. I felt sick and was in a ton of pain and I didn't have the energy to fight her on this. Nevertheless, I answered "The first alter came before I was 1 years old."

She then muscle tested me to see if I was correct. She started out with my age and worked her way down to five years old. Then 4. 3. 2. At 1 years old she looked surprised and my body revealed that sure enough, the first alter came before I was 1 years old.

I felt like I should have been confident at that point, because I had told her two things she didn't believe and then she was proved wrong. But no, I felt like I was going to pass out and have a very intense panic attack.

She looked to my mom and then at me and said, "You need to see a specialist to work through your emotional things." She said I needed to be balanced out so that she could start working on healing me physically. She called up this specialist and made an appointment for me on Monday morning.

I am terrified.

This specialist went to school for several years to learn how to rid the body of "entities" and "hitchhikers". Entities are evil spirits, and hitchhikers are alters. Basically my doctor is signing me up for an integration session. I almost fainted on the spot. Even my mom was uncomfortable with this idea. MY MOM! The woman who wants me to be normal was uncomfortable with this idea. Never in my life have I been so grateful for my mom to be on my side.

My doctor went on and on about how this specialist will help me to bring up all my emotions from my past and release them so I can heal. All of the times I was victimized, abused, involved in ritual abuse, other evil things, etc.

Basically, it will be hell opening up and swallowing me whole - and then taking away all of my alters.


The doctor kept saying how I will be like a new person. Light will be shining from me. I will be happy. I will be able to heal physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. My alters will be gone - cast away. I won't even be recognized. It will be a whole new me.

Why do I feel like I'm about to be buried alive?

I have called my T several times since the doctor appointment but she won't answer. There is no way she will be okay with me doing this. My mom is freaking out because she doesn't feel like it is a good idea. I have been having panic attack after panic attack ever since we left. I'm afraid for when my splits realize what is going on. I want to cry but I'm so freaked out that I can't even do that.

The doctor kept saying how God didn't create me with alters. That alters are not supposed to be with me. It is not natural. It wasn't meant to be this way.

My alters have always been there for me.
They are the reason I am here.
I would not be alive right now if it weren't for them.
No one has the right to take them from me.

I don't even know what to do. I have no one to talk to about it because no one understands this. No one in my life knows except for my T and she isn't answering her damn phone!

I need some perspective on this. If you agree or disagree - it doesn't matter. I need someone who understands to hear me.

I am so so so scared...


  1. How do you feel about your doctor, who is not (I believe) a trained psychotherapist, a DID or trauma specialist, bringing religion into your healing process? Do you believe that your DID can be "cured" by an exorcist? Are you comfortable with that?

    It just seems very inappropriate for a doctor to suggest a religious solution. Unless of course that's where you are coming from.

    It's your decision of course. You do not have to see this specialist if you don't want to. It's your right to question or disagree with anyone, even a doctor.

    I'm afraid I've never heard of the muscle test for DID. Is there a name for it?

    How do the alters feel about this? If my alters were gone I think I would be lost. It would be like losing the only friends who really understand me.

    What your doctor suggested sounds very medieval to me, but that's just my opinion. I prefer to keep science and religion separate. I think I'm angry, too. I would hate to see you get bulldozed into something if you really didn't feel 100% about it.

    What do you think you will do?


  2. I would be looking for a new doctor. God created you, and the mind that God gave you created your alters so that you could survive your childhood - so how does the doctor even know what part God had in the creation of your alters.

    I wouldn't go along with seeing a doctor or therapist that I didn't feel comfortable with.

    My positive thoughts are with you. Make the decision that feels right to you.


  3. There is no magic pill for recovery, it is not an event but a process and anyone who tells you otherwise is out to lunch. I encourage you to talk to your T before you do anything...

  4. I have learned this the hard way, you don't have to go. Just because a Dr prescribed something does NOT mean you have to go. Call and cancel and give any excuse you want, say you can't get off work, whatever. you don't sound comfortable and I don't like how the Dr sounded, don't go unless YOU want to go. It will do more harm than good.

    Curiousity- what's the "muscle test" is it like a lie detector thing? I've never heard of such. I am VERY VERY VERY dr picky and when I am ready and believe they will get it I tell them. I have found my drs to be very great with the knowledge, because i've sought out understanding drs. The only one I haven't told was my ENT, he's the first surgeon I haven't told, but all went well and I'm almost done with him.

    I really don't like to give advice but your post screams don't go.

  5. Ok, I gotta say it. Your Dr sounds like a quack. I hate to sound rude and overly dramatic but this is truly nuts. While I strongly believe that a lot of physical symptoms and illnesses can be DID related and that with proper therapy/treatment sometimes they resolve on their own...this Dr has no right to send you to basically be 'exorcised' of your alters. That is not how DID works, they aren't spirits, they aren't demons. It's parts of your brain with dissociative barriers. They are all you, just different sides and stages and experiences. They are all individually important, but they are all you.

    I know that God wouldn't have created the possibility of brains being able to dissociate if he didn't intend for it to be helpful and protective. It was a gift for when you were a child to survive horrific things. The things that happened to you as a child are things most people cannot even think about, let alone experience. So DID is there to help you cope and survive.

    I am really curious about the muscle tests she was performing. Currently, the APA only has a few different psychological exams approved to screen for DID and I imagine anything that involves touching a patient would be strictly forbidden in the case of diagnosing DID as it's a trauma disorder. This Dr sounds like she is doing things that she shouldn't do. From what I know, anything that physically tries to test DID wouldn't be all that helpful because each persons DID experience is different. Each person has different traumas and different reasons for creating alters and it's not accurate to say that all patients would respond to a physical test the same way. I would hate to think she is using this and could tell someone they didn't have DID when they truly did.

    I dunno Beehive, I wouldn't go to this other appointment.

  6. I wonder how sane both doctors are. I don't think I would go to the appointment, although I don't see how they can just "make" your alters disappear after one visit. I wouldn't want to see any doctor who would try.

    I don't always get along with my alters, but I would never want to be without them. They are the reason I'm here, alive.

  7. Wow! I totally get why you are scared!

    I agree with do NOT have to do anything you do not want to do. I have a feeling, though, that you won't get much help from your doc if you don't. will probably have to get a new doctor.

    I am very wary of people who think they have found a quick fix solution to major problems. Life typically does not work that way.

    Never heard of muscle testing confirming DID. I'm curious about that.