Sunday, December 26, 2010

21 months 1 week 1 day 3 hours...

It must be the emotional pain eating me up inside that drove me to do this.

I haven't seen my T in two weeks. It's usually okay when I know she is going to be gone but this time she told me she wasn't going anywhere for Christmas. She canceled our last appointment and hasn't called me back to reschedule. Normally I am okay with this since it has only been two weeks, but right now I really need to talk to someone but I have no one to talk to.

My twin sister is getting married 2 1/2 weeks.
I have sexual abuse memories coming up 24/7 - I can't even think straight.
There are several of my abusers coming over to our house randomly "because it's the holiday's" and nobody seems to notice that I'm losing it.
One of my abusers had the audacity to feel me up in my f***ing kitchen with several other people in there. 
My nightmares have gotten so bad that I'm waking up screaming many times during the night shaking, sweating, panicking, and praying that I don't go crazy.
My splits are freaking out because there is too much going on for us to handle.

I just need someone to talk to who isn't a family member and who understands how traumatic things are for me right now.

It has been 21 months, 1 week, 1 day, and 3 hours since I last self-harmed/self-injured, until about 15 minutes ago when the emotional pain got to be too much to handle on my own. It's not bad enough for me to go to the ER, but it's bad enough that people are going to notice and I don't want them to.

They don't notice me anyway.


  1. I'm so sorry. I understand this and I'm sorry no one was there for you to talk too.

  2. Sending warm, comforting thoughts....
    Holidays can be very tough with all the family contact. Difficult, too, having not seen your T in awhile. Be gentle with yourself. Sometimes we fall, but it doesn't me we fail.
    Sending hugs, if ok....

  3. Oh! I'm so sorry my post didn't show up!

    Before I left for church I popped in here
    and saw this. I was letting you know I'd
    be praying for you and would send angles
    to minister to you....

    Bless you hear my new friend ((hug))

  4. I'm sorry *hugs*
    Could you call up your therapist and tell her that you're really having a hard time of it all?
    You deserve so much better and for someone to notice.

  5. Oh, man. I hear how hard that is. What did you do when the person felt you up? Were you able to push him/her away? I don't know how I would react to something like that. I know what I would want to do, but don't know if I actually would/could.

    I offer safe hugs. I agree with deserve better and for someone to notice.

  6. Man, what is wrong with people? I'll never understand why family can't, or won't, stand up for the safety and security of their children. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

  7. Oh, Bee, so sorry about all of this! I'm so angry at your abuser! So sorry you had the SI slip too. That's so frustrating, especially after so long. (((((Bee))))) Hang in there, sweetie!

  8. Thank you to all of you - it means so much that you took the time to read and respond to my post.

    Cassie- My T hasn't been answering her phone or her emails. I normally don't call her because I hate being a burden to people but it seems like whenever I call her she doesn't answer...

    OS- I froze as soon as she touched me, almost like I went into shock, and then I was able to snap out of it and get away from her. Like you, I also have these ideas of how I would react in the situation but I wasn't prepared and I froze.

    Ivory- I wish people did stand up for the safety and security of children.


  9. Thank you for your blog on DID. Hope you are all right over the holidays.