Thursday, December 30, 2010

Invisible To The Human Eye

Things are just horrible.

I had a minor surgery on Monday morning that I was put under for. It took them 3 hours to get me sedated and then I woke up during the surgery. I freaking WOKE UP in the middle of the procedure.

I was in a total daze but I was feeling huge amounts of pain. I couldn't get myself to make any noises. I ended up having a panic attack and that's when they realized I had woken up.

So I've been in bed the last few days, trying to recover from this traumatic experience.

My T called me this morning. I thought she was returning my calls or my emails, but once the conversation was over I knew she hadn't listened to my voice mails or read my emails. She wants to meet next week... I honestly don't think I'll make it that long without seeing her. It will be over three weeks by then since our last appointment.

My T asked how we were doing and I told her that things were not good at all. We're having trouble coping and surviving right now. She didn't acknowledge it or dismiss it - it was more of a "I'll ask this question to fulfill my counseling duties but I'm not really listening for the answer" type of thing. 

My little 7 year old alter is freaking out because she thinks our dad will become abusive again. He has been really angry and upset lately so I don't blame her for thinking this. It is just hard to help her realize that he wouldn't hurt us anymore - at least that's what I'd like to believe.

I just hope I make it until the session.


  1. your therapist doesnt seem to be very reliable. I hope you feel better soon :(

  2. {{{{{{{{Bee}}}}}}}}

    You are not invisible to me.

  3. How incredibly tough to wake during the surgery! I know! I get it! The same thing happened to me at age 4. It was that event that propelled me, I think, from just plain old dissociative to DID. It is awful, and not a whole lot of people really get it. I hope that you can see your T soon.